Yes. We know. It’s mechanically indistinguishable from a SEAT Ibiza Cupra or Skoda Fabia vRS. Do you know quite how BORED the world is of that fact? Jaysus.

What The Most Repeated Car Fact of the 21st Century So Far neglects to mention is that the minutiae of a car’s execution is just as critical as its gearbox, engine and chassis. Which is why the Polo GTI is better than two cars that are the same as it.

The extra sheen of the Polo’s interior is just the start – the biggest difference between the three cars is on the road. Seriously.

A Fabia vRS feels like a cheap car with a very expensive engine – fast, but also a bit tall and imprecise. The Ibiza Cupra by comparison gives the impression that it’s trying too hard… all shouty, darty and hard without much charm or feel. Blame it on the height of their bodies, sound proofing and weight distribution.

In comparison, the Polo feels like a perfectly judged hot hatch marvel. It’s the last of the three to go on sale, but the GTI gives the impression that it was designed first – the ideal calibration of a shared platform that Skoda and SEAT had to cheapen and differentiate themselves from.

The ride is fractionally less busy… the induction noise slightly richer… the steering infinitesimally meatier… you’ve got to be a real hot-hatch loser hell-bent on finding tiny traces of tweaked tactility to feel the difference, but that’s what we are. Give us a good hot hatch in Wales over anything else on the road. And the Polo GTI is a very good hot hatch.

Blame it on witchcraft, blame it on mysterious mechanical alchemy… but we honestly think the difference is big enough to avoid blaming our own exaggerated memories of the other two cars.

And yes. We also know that the fizzy brilliance of a Renaultsport Clio makes praising the tactility of a Polo GTI sound a bit overwrought. The best of the three is still second best to the Renault.

HIT – Lamborghini Aventador

A V12, 700hp supercar with a shape and details that can only have come from the mind of a hyperactive child on an Ribena drip. 0-62 in 2.9 seconds. A fantastic lunatic.

MISS – Skoda Vision D

Hmmm. Don’t get cocky, Skoda. Don’t blow your chance to run with your ‘People’s Champion’ baton. As well as revealing their new rather stern looking logo, Skoda showed off this equally stern, cold and featureless Octavia sized thing. Doesn’t look like as friendly or happy as the Skodas we’ve grown to love.

HIT – Alfa Romeo 4c

A horny looking coupe, which seemed to be painted in crushed red velvet. Likely to cost £40k and do a sub-5 second 0-62 bolt, it sounds like a TT and Cayman rival – but can Alfa really put together a tight enough drivetrain and chassis to even get near to the mark? Nah. Looks nice though.

MISS – Jaguar XKR-S

Yes, with 542bhp it does have more power than an Aston Martin V12 Vantage… but there’s no disguising the fact that the XK is ancient. A186mph top speed is enormously fast, but give the old girl some dignity. And by dignity we don’t mean a stupid paint job and fussy splitters.

HIT – Ford B-Max

A Fiesta sized mini-MPV with sliding doors and a range of turbocharged tiny engines? Without the overly fussy face of the Focus and the still slightly too Nursing Home friendly vibe of the C-Max? Yes please and thank you. On sale from next year… just don’t mention the word ‘Fusion’

MISS – Subaru Impreza Concept

Oh. Most people didn’t notice this appear at the LA show in November last year. Even less people will have noticed it at Geneva. How long can Subaru keep going?

HIT – Renault Captur

You’d never guess that Nissan and Renault are the best of friends. One has the Juke and the Qashqai, and the other has a Koleos. This ballsy, Juke sized Captur shows that Renault at least have ambitions of closing the style/desirability gap to their Nissan chums.

MISS – Aston Martin Virage

Evolution is a good thing. Part-sharing also fine. But Aston’s ‘new’ Virage, which features the same V12 and same chassis as the rest of their cars is a step too far. As a facelifted DB9, the Virage would be awesome – as a brand new car, it’s a disappointment.

HIT – Ferrari FF

Yes, we’ve seen the pictures already… but look how big the boot is! And it’s not some achingly clever hybrid, it’s just a hulking great 4WD chest wig with a V12 up front. Just so Ferrari’s customers can go skiing. Awesome.

MISS – Toyota FT-86 II

The thought of a rear wheel drive Scirocco rival is exciting. But Toyota have teased us with that thought for so long now that it’s now become boring. And it looks messier than a branch of WHSmith. After a robbery.

STILL NOT SURE – Pagani Huayra

The Huayra should leave us in awe. Reeling at its other-worldly face. But it still hasn’t… does that make it underwhelming? Does that suggest it’s going to be timeless? Nobody knows. But next to an Aventador, it looks like a miserable fish. Judgement is being reserved until we see it for real.

It’s the time of year when the world’s men-folk indulge in one of their Top 5 Favourite Activities – making and reading lists. So as a Christmas present to you loyal reader(s), we’re going to write a list all of our own. Lady and Man, we present The Top Five Cars We’ve Driven in 2010.

5. Mitsubishi Evo X FQ400

When we bagged the keys to Mitsubishi’s window-licking hyper-saloon, we were immediately stunned. This wasn’t just a creaky jap-box being kept alive with a huge iron lung of a turbo, but an incredibly well set-up and easy to drive weapon. Even in the hands of ham-fisted amateurs like ourselves, it danced, whooshed, raced and destroyed. Simultaneously flattering and brutal.

Yes it looks daft, has a tacky interior, costs £50k and won’t do 20mpg – but that’s why it’s only at number 5. For being brilliant as well as preposterous, the Fahk-You-400 makes the list.
Read our original review here.

4. Citroen DS3

Not long ago, Citroen showrooms resembled branches of Lidl – cheap stock piled high to shift quick. To mums and dads after a bargain C4 Picasso, it was great. But everybody else wanted to shop in Waitrose. Which is where the DS3 came in.

Suddenly, Citroen had a posh little car that was genuinely desirable instead of apologetically affordable. The styling was sharp and different, the engines were consistently strong and even the chassis could flick its skirt like a saucy French maid. To our senses, it doesn’t quite match the dynamic ability of a Mini… but in every other respect, it’s better. One of very few new cars we’d actually buy with real-life monies.

Read our original review here.

3. Skoda Superb Estate

The car that took Skoda from plucky underdog to class-leader. While the previous Superb never quite had the gumption to live up to its name, this one wears it with pride. You know the bullied kid at school who goes away for a year, comes back buff and kicks the giblets out of everyone? That’s the Superb. Only it’s far less angry.

Priced from less than £18k, you get the second biggest boot of any estate car in the UK (only beaten by the Merc E-Class), a faultless interior, the best of VW’s current engines and more rear leg-room than anything this side of a Rolls Phantom. It ticks boxes that don’t even exist. There’s even a brolly in the door.
Read our original review here.

2. Honda CR-Z

Shock! ‘The World’s First Sporty Hybrid’© actually is! But strangely, most of its endearing features have little to do with the combination of electricity and combustion under its skin. What stands out for us is the design and engineering that have gone into making it fun to drive.

A snicky six speed manual gearbox. A rorty-on-request exhaust note. Beautifully judged spring and damper settings. A sci-fi-tastic digital hub of a dashboard. Grip and balance that are tweakable on the road. An 80s wedge shape that also nods to the obligatory eco-car steam iron aesthetic. A super-strong chassis with the torsional rigidity of a Civic Type-R. The CR-Z is an incredibly well resolved little car. That it’s cheaper than a Scirocco, C-Charge exempt, costs peanuts to tax and is as economical as a stodgy diesel is a bonus.
Read our original review here.

1. Ford Focus RS500

By far the most memorable car we’ve driven this year, and not just because we drove 800 miles in 24 hours. It’s impossible to imagine how the RS500 shovels on speed until you’ve driven one – we’d swear that only an M3 or 911 Carrera upwards would be able pull away. Extra brownie points are awarded for its ability to achieve such fierce levels of acceleration while maintaining the standard RS’s gloriously granular steering and sweetly weighted controls.

The RS500 is a heart-on-the-sleeve working class hero… it’s carrying a bunch of flowers while beating someone up with beer barrel biceps. How Ford made a £35,000, FWD, 345bhp hatchback quite so appealing is a mystery. But they have.

And there’s a bigger reason to pay respect too. The RS500 marks the end of an era for all the gloriously kinky cars that are being killed because they don’t meet the Euro V emissions regulations: Mazda RX-8, Honda Civic Type-R, VW V10 TDI Touareg and Alfa Romeo 3.2 V6 – it’s a swan song for all of them. Instead of seeming like an over-specced Essex spacker-hatch designed to make some chavs have a wank, it feels like a little chunk of automotive history. It’s etched into our minds… there’s just something about it that gives it an air of importance. A moment in time.

So while Ford could have given the bonkers Focus RS a bolt-gun to the head and packed it off quietly, they didn’t. They made it more powerful, more expensive and more memorable – and that’s why it’s top of the list. Respeck.

Read our original review here.

No. We’re not being drawn into it. The words ‘heritage’, ‘brand’ and ‘sacrilege’ are simply not allowed. Nor the phrase ‘Issigonis would be spinning in his grave’. That’s banned. This is just a car, and shall be judged as just that. Your eyes can decide how it looks, while your focus groups and deep rooted fear of change can decide whether or not it really is a Mini at all. We’ll just talk about the fact that it’s not very good.

The most striking area of ungoodness is its interior. With Mini pushing the Countryman’s apparent practicality and versatility, it’s not unreasonable to expect a re-think of the normal Mini’s fiddly controls. Nothing major, just some chunkier nobs better suited to snowboarders in gloves. But no. What do we get? An interface that’s controlled by a tiny dog’s dick.

Heated rear window buttons smaller than a cat’s nostril. Toggle switches that are even further recessed behind their shiny cowls than normal. Daft. Not even that pretty either.

So that’s a shame. The space in the back goes some way to making up for it, but only in comparison to a normal Mini. Next to a Skoda Yeti or Ford Kuga it’s average.

Perhaps more surprising is that the ungoodness continues when you drive it. Our car is a top spec Cooper S All4, which comes with four wheel drive and – quite interestingly – ‘Sports Suspension’. Here are the facts on that: the Countryman’s ride height is 10mm higher than a normal Mini, but the Sports Suspension lowers it again… by 10mm. Now, I only got a D in A level maths, but I’m pretty sure that means Cooper S Countrymen have the exact same ride height as a normal Mini. So all the downsides of a taller body and higher centre gravity without any extra ground clearance. Hilarious.

With Cooper S trim, you also get 19” wheels – which to be honest look great, but do emphasise the Countryman’s granite edged but cumbersome gait. Not only is the ride hard, it also feels loosely bushed and clonky – potholes ricochet through the cabin as if its bonking up to the bump stops, while the body seems to casually lumber without much control. The electric power steering’s been tuned to keep the dartiness of a normal Mini, but with the extra inertia of a taller body lolloping around, this actually emphasises the Countryman’s lack of real agility.

The engines are the same as in the normal Mini, and therefore excellent – but with an extra 200kg to accelerate, a Countryman needs about a second longer to hit 62mph. The extra weight dulls the fuel economy too, with a Cooper D quoted at 64.2mpg and a Cooper S 46.3mpg. Adding the £1500 option of 4×4 drops the figures by another 10%. And that’s after you’ve paid £3,000 over the standard car. Expensive business, this leg room malarkey.

Upsettingly, there are other niggles that crystallise the Countryman as a bit of a disappointment. If you choose the free option of two separate rear seats instead of a three-wide bench, there’s a smart looking centre rail with moveable storage bins – but their mounting points snap off in your hand.

The optional Harman/Kardon stereo has expensive looking metal tweeters – but the bass is so ponderous and heavy, even when turned down to minimum, that it sounds terrible. The gearchange is short and light – but nobbly and baulky. The brake pedal is nicely weighted – but the clutch is snatchy. The sun visors don’t actually reach the edge of the windscreen. BMW usually engineer simple things like these better than anyone else, but the Countryman just isn’t right. As a premium priced car, it should feel like a perfect jewel in your hands – but it doesn’t.

So, stop worrying about Mini designing themselves into a ditch. Stop looking at the Countryman like it was drawn up in a hall of mirrors. Stop considering its role in the evolution of the Mini brand. The massive Mini shouldn’t have the luxury of being judged on its symbolic and stylistic merits, because the fact that it’s simply not very good is an even bigger disappointment.

‘Dat the new vRS?’, yaps the intricately bearded man waiting at the lights in a lowered 318Ci, ‘I been waiting to see one of dem man’. Fake Armani shades now lifted, his pupils pour over the Kermit paint job and, quite surprisingly, he doesn’t piss himself laughing. ‘Yeah looks sweet, nice rims. Open it up man’. So I do. Leave him for dead and leave me totally bewildered.

With a goopy face, under wheeled profile and self-conscious black roof, I expected the Fabia vRS to hit the streets with a handicap – but sitting at the lights outside a fried chicken shop in Birmingham, it’s the hottest piece of metal around. P Diddy could drive an R8 Spyder straight past unnoticed.

There’s more heckling at a petrol station in Kent, this time from an Accord Type S owner with even finer facial topiary than 318Ci man. ‘Nice car mate… petrol innit, what does it do?’. Being a massive geek, my answer is accurate; ‘7.3 seconds to 60, 139mph top end’. He replies in a tone of disgust, like I’d just told him my favourite hobby was rubbing crude oil into the eyes of rare sea birds ‘yeah, but what about to the gallon mate?’. Right. ‘They say 45mpg combined, but I’m getting mid 30s’ I reply in my politest voice. ‘Nah, I’d rather have the old diesel version then’.

He’s got a point. The first Fabia vRS, this car’s famously diesel predecessor, could be coaxed into hitting 60mpg. Standing in the shadow of a sign that puts petrol at £1.23 a litre, it’s hard to see the sense in replacing it with a car that does half that. That’s not the end of it though – there’s one more spontaneous talking head. Haven’t had this much attention since driving a Bentley Continental GT Speed to ASDA.

‘You see mate, you’ve made a mistake there’ said a Geordie over my shoulder, clearly thinking I’d bought it with my own money. Turning round to put face to voice, he’s wearing a Subaru cap – this man REALLY knows about cars. ‘Same as a Polo GTI that is… and yeah it’s two k cheaper on paper like… but what’s that monthly? Bet it’s nothing man. I’d pay the extra fiver or whatever and have the Dub fella’. Turns out Skoda badge snobbery isn’t completely dead after all… at least not amongst rude Geordies.

Being three potential customers who actually hand over money for their new cars, they are of course all absolutely right. The new vRS is good looking and quick, but has two big problems – it’s not a diesel and it’s not cheap enough.

First, the diesel thing. The Fabia’s 178bhp twincharger petrol engine is a brilliant thing, especially when synced up with the equally brilliant DSG gearbox – but it doesn’t feel as happy in the vRS as it does in the Ibiza Cupra, which to man-on-street is only a fiver a month more to buy. On occasions where you’d slip the SEAT into manual mode and parp about using the paddles, you leave the slightly taller, softer and calmer feeling Skoda in auto, where it upchanges early. The more laidback chassis wants a laidback, and frugal, diesel engine.

Which brings us onto problem two – it’s not cheap enough. At £15,700 it is £1300 less than the Cupra and a couple of grand less than a Polo GTI (both of which, as Subaru hat man pointed out, share a powertrain and a great deal of chassis bolts)… but, to man-on-street with a monthly payment plan, that’s not a big enough incentive to turn down a posher badge – especially when the fuel consumption, tax and insurance will be the same. What he wants is a hot hatch that’s not only cheaper to buy, but cheaper to run. He wants a diesel engine too.

Just imagine Skoda put VAG’s 140bhp 2.0TDI engine into a Fabia and then slapped a vRS badge on that. It’d hit 60 in the mid 8s, do 50mpg and be even cheaper to buy in the first place. It’d be a genuine, economical but still reasonably quick alternative to the Polo GTI and Ibiza Cupra, instead of a cheaper, less desirable version of the same thing.

So, thanks for the help 318Ci man, Accord Type S man and Subaru hat man. You’ve forced us to awkwardly conclude that despite being cheaper than two almost identical cars, and despite being fitted with an engine that’s just been awarded International Engine of the Year 2010, the Skoda Fabia vRS should cost less and have a different engine. Hilarious.

Let’s get the obvious out of the way with first. Skoda haven’t made a rubbish car for a decade, and the Superb name is neither new or inaccurate, so don’t scoff at that either. Alright? Good. Now we can get on.

Based on last year’s all new saloon, this is the first ever Superb Estate – and it’s proper, genuinely, 100% totally bloody amazing. Not in a ‘oh yeah… that Skoda’s really brilliant… I mean, ha, fancy Skoda making a good car’ way. Not in a ‘I suppose it’s an impressive achievement considering its price’ way either. But in a ‘Shit. Really. Where an earth did that come from? Wow’ way. If you want an analogy, this is their iPhone – a product that does absolutely everything, redefining the brand all over again.

Seeing as sycophantic reviews always sound rubbish, we’ll stay factual, measured and objective… and being as it’s an estate, we’ll start with the boot. The Superb’s rear measures 633 litres with the seats up and 1865 litres with the seats down – massive. But unless you frequently carry around fresh air or litre bottles of water, that’s all meaningless. So have some reference points:

Volvo’s biggest current estate is the V70 – with the seats up it’s got a 575 litre boot, rising to 1600 when they’re down. So the Superb Estate has a bigger boot than the biggest Volvo. Fact. That also makes it bigger than an A6 Avant, new BMW 5 Touring, Ford Mondeo Estate, Vauxhall Insignia Sports Tourer and VW Passat Estate. In fact, the only estate on sale today with a bigger boot is the new Mercedes E-Class.

So we’ll use the big-E as a reference point for price, interior quality and equipment – a Mercedes is a tough benchmark for a Skoda to match after all. The cheapest Superb Estate is the 1.4 TSI at £18k, rising to the most expensive £30k 3.6 V6. The very cheapest E-Class Estate is also £30k, in the shape of the E200 CGI 4-cyl petrol. A handy comparison.

The interior of the Skoda is better to look at, nicer to touch and more intuitive to use than the Merc’s. Less tacky, better damped, more ergonomic. There’s more kit in it too, including the best touch screen entertainment system of any car on sale anywhere, standard fit sat nav and the flawless DSG gearbox from VW. If you want sat nav and auto in the Merc, you’ll need to spend another £2,500.

But you still won’t have the Skoda’s performance – the V6 has 260bhp and cracks 62mph in just 6.6 seconds. Through the gears, using the massive 258lb ft hunk of torque that’s spread right across the middle of the rev range, you’ll outrun most hot hatches that bother to try. The £30k Merc is 80bhp and 60lb ft down as well as two seconds slower to 62mph… a Merc with similar performance and similar kit costs over £40k. Crikey.

Of course though, you’d be a little mad to buy a brand new V6 car with an mpg figure in the 20s when petrol costs £1.20 a litre. As quick as it might be, it’s not worth the pleasure. What you should really get is the sensible 140bhp diesel which, even when you’ve added the DSG box, costs less than £25k in top-spec Elegance trim.

With the double clutch set-up, the diesel Superb is just as smooth as the V6, barely noisier, cracks 60mph in 10 secs and is still effortlessly torquey – but it’s quoted at 51.4mpg combined. The most economical, cheapest Merc estate diesel is over £6,000 more expensive, 5mpg worse off and only 1 second quicker to 62mph. Its auto box isn’t as smooth as the Skoda’s automated manual either.

Bored of the praise yet? Sorry. It’s nearly over. We’re labouring the point just to make sure you don’t under-estimate quite how brilliant the Skoda is. The E-Class Estate hasn’t been used because it’s an easy benchmark to beat and prove a point – it’s been used because it’s currently the best premium estate on sale, and because it therefore gets the closest to matching the Skoda’s ginormous spread of talent.

So, bad points then. Erm… literally? No. Space, refinement, speed, price, economy, ergonomics, equipment, quality and even styling are all beyond criticism. This is a real second coming for Skoda. After the revelation at the beginning of the last decade that they can make cars as good as anyone else, they’ve now gone and shown that they can actually make cars better than anyone else.

If you can think of another estate that can do everything the Superb does, please let us know. If not, then let’s all form a loyal band of disciples and worship the new Messiah of Estates. If Apple geeks can call the iPhone the Jesus phone, can’t us car geeks call the Superb Estate the Jesus car? You don’t get a brolly in the door of an iPhone anyway.

Nissan have announced prices for their brilliantly gawky Sonia Jackson look-a-like, the Juke. And while the looks split opinion like Cassidy splits mirrors, we want one even more than we did before. The range starts at a Fiesta scaring £12,795, which gets you a 1.6 petrol engine, 16″ alloys and air con alongside the bag-of-smashed-crabs face.

The model your brain will tell you to want is the middling £15,145 1.5 dCi Acenta, where you get climate control, Bluetooth, a USB hole and 17″ rims. The model your heart will want is the top of the range, £19,995 190hp turbocharged 1.6 with four wheel drive. Best compromise is probably the turbo charged engine in 2WD form, which costs from £15,595. Less than £16k for a mad looking, British built odd-box with 190hp? Yes please.

Reasons for not buying a Juke are the excellent Skoda Yeti – a touch pricey and bland by comparison, and the agile Fiesta – on the nose for price, but smaller. So, while the face may have a whiff of sausagemeat Cassidy to it, we reckon it’s an interesting, good value, decently equipped wedge of geometric spunkiness. Nissan will take deposits from June, with deliveries starting in September. Like.

Digesting the news… then spewing it out in 60 words

Lexus facelifted the IS, adding an F-Sport model with IS-F cosmetics, dropping the CO2 and fuel consumption and improving the sat-nav and stereo. The average CO2 emissions of cars sold in Britain dropped to 149.5g/km. Brabus shoved a 789bhp, twin turbo V12 into the E-Class coupe. And Skoda announced their tweaked Fabia and Roomsters will cost from £9,330 and £11,260.

MISS – Nissan Micra

As frog faced and squidgy looking as the current Micra is, and as much as that might have scared away some core grannies, surely the Nissan Micra should look more interesting than this?

HIT – Skoda Fabia vRS

There’s something unpretentiously desirable about a quick Skoda – especially when it’s running the same 177bhp twincharger engine as the excellent Ibiza Cupra. There’s even going to be an estate version of this £16k hot hatch.

MISS – Alfa Romeo Giulietta

A lot of people were making inappropriate sexual noises as they walked passed Alfa’s new Focus rival – we can only assume it was because of the models. Promises of Golf rivalling quality aside, we think the Giulietta looks a bit awkard. Like a pigeon with piles.

HIT – Vauxhall Meriva

Now based on the Zafira, the Meriva has gone posh with a smart interior and trick suicide doors. Gimmick or not, Rolls Royce style entry apertures are what car buying humans like to show off to their mates – it’s a smart move.

MISS – Every Porsche Panamera There

So many naff tuning firms decided to further butcher the Porsche Pigs Ear it actually got a bit funny. A personal favourite was the hilariously named ‘Fab Design’ who accidentally shat all sorts of glass fibre pebble dashed mess all over the place.

HIT – Mini Countryman

There. We’ve said it. The Mini Countryman wasn’t that bad in the flesh – not perfect, but not an complete face disgrace. In real life it looked quite muscular and chunky, and, as you’ll note by the amazing photo below – there’s room for a human with knees in the back.

Knees, fitting in behind our own 6ft driving position. Never seen before in a Mini.

Digesting the news… then spewing it out in 60 words

Pictures of the new Lexus CT 200h hybrid leaked onto the interweb, ahead of the car’s official launch at Geneva. Skoda facelifted the Fabia and Roomster. Fiat showed off the 138bhp 500C Abarth, which does 62mph in 7.9secs and goes on sale later this year. And Tata announced that their massive Aria will go on sale in the UK in 2011.

Digesting the news… then spewing it out in 60 words

Today, many cars were revealed. Nissan thrust their striking Yeti rivalling crossover upon us. VW showed off the new Touareg – now with a 34mpg, 375bhp hybrid that can run on just electricity. Kia bandied around their plug-in hybrid Ray concept, which hints at what a Kia Prius rival would be like. And Audi unveiled official pics of their new A1.

Digesting the news… then spewing it out in 60 words

Mazda released details of the new Mazda5 seven seat MPV – officially unveiled at Geneva, on sale in the UK this autumn and bearer of a funny swoop. Skoda announced a 1.4% rise in sales in 2009, and showed off piccies of the belting Superb Estate 4×4. And the head of Fiat said Lancia and Chrysler will merge together by the end of the year.

Digesting the news… then spewing it out in 60 words

Renault owned Romanian budget-meisters Dacia unveiled their new and erotically utilitarian Duster – a Yeti sized wagon that might yet come to the UK. A group of old Ford executives put together a bid to buy Volvo, rivalling current favourite purchaser Geely. And news of another wrecked supercar did the rounds, as some chap stuffed his Zonda in Hong Kong.

The Car of the Year 2010 gong has been handed to the VW Polo, sparking a raging debate over what’s less imaginative – the car, or the decision to give it victory. The little Volkswagen pipped the thoroughly interesting Toyota iQ into second place by 10 points, with many pundits claiming Toyota ‘was robbed’, and that the whole scenario is almost as unfair as Ireland not qualifying for the World Cup because of Thierry Henry’s hand ball. Obviously VW didn’t cheat (corruption and bribes have definitely never played a part in the judgement process), but they have got bloody lucky.

Closer inspection of the results shows that the Polo was voted the best car by 25 of the 59 judges, and received a total score of 347 against the iQ’s 24 win votes and 337 points. Here’s a run down of the total scores:

1. Volkswagen Polo 347 points

2. Toyota iQ 337 points

3. Vauxhall Astra 221 points

4. Skoda Yeti 158 points

5. Mercedes-Benz E-class 155 points

6. Peugeot 3008 144 points

7. Citroen C3 Picasso 113 points

Readers with unusual memories, or the ability to click here, will no doubt be keen to point out that the Citroen C3 Picasso which we expected to be fighting the iQ for the top spot actually came last. We’d still have voted iQ first and C3 Picasso first. So there.

The 7 finalists for the award that has been awarded the ‘most promoted award that bears no relevance to the buying public’ award were today announced. Because none of them are Italian, it’s very hard to predict a winner – a problem that isn’t helped by the COTY website’s description of each car, which appears to have been written as part of an English exam by a French schoolboy.

So, to better introduce the finalists, and help predict which car will win, on the sidewalls kindly offers its own translation and betting odds service:

Citroen C3 Picasso

COTY website: ‘The Picasso saga has been a success for Citroën since 1998, and the new model with a fresh style will likely continue it. The anticipation of the future C3 family is the entry offer in the Citroën line of MPVs with real capabilities for family use’.

Translation: The Picasso sold by the bucketload in 1998 because it was so bloody cheap, and even though this one’s more expensive, people in their 30s think it looks cool so it’ll probably do just as well. Other than that, it doesn’t do anything new… erm, oh, right… there’ll be a bigger one at some point.

on the sidewalls odds: 3/1

Mercedes-Benz E-Class

COTY website: ‘Even now, when M-Bs occupy every market niche, E-class keeps on being the backbone of its model line. The wide range comprises an elegant saloon, a sleek coupe and an estate with about the biggest cargo space in the market.’

Translation: Despite the fact that Mercedes now have almost as many models as there are letters in the alphabet, they still remembered to build a car for taxi drivers who don’t like the 5-Series. There’s a saloon, a coupe and an estate that might have the biggest boot in the class – but we haven’t checked yet.

on the sidewalls odds: 5/1

Vauxhall/Opel Astra

COTY website: ‘Mixing Insignia’s blades and wings styling theme in a different way, Opel has shaped an appealing, almost muscular, Astra. A 5-door car also much bigger, therefore heavier. There’s no much space gain in the cabin, yet the interior improves a lot in perceived quality, with layout and looks also similar to big brother.’

Translation: The Insignia won last year, and the Astra looks a bit like it – so it goes through. Despite it being bigger and heavier than the last one, there’s not actually that much more room inside… oh, hang on, that’s not a good thing is it? Erm, did we mention it looks similar to its big brother?

on the sidewalls odds: 4/1

Peugeot 3008

COTY website: ‘The 3008 is the most original Peugeot creature in years, mixing shapes and features usually related to hatchbacks and SUVs, as the tall seating or the split tailgate. Interior has functionality, but also lots of light with the panoramic roof, and a sporty cockpit that appeals drivers.’

Translation: The 3008 is a bit odd, but because it doesn’t immediately look like an SUV you don’t feel arrogant driving it. With a glass roof, posh interior and split tailgate, it manages to tick all the boxes while remaining slightly pointless.

on the sidewalls odds: 7/2

Skoda Yeti

COTY website: ‘Skoda had already used an AWD system with a Haldex clutch in its Octavia range. Fresh-looking Yeti takes the relay with a body style and a taller ride height more identified with the function of getting occasionally off tarmac, what can be satisfactorily accomplished.’

Translation: First things first – the technology under the silly name is old. But, it looks good in a rugged-utilitarian way and isn’t actually that bad when you get stuck in a boggy car boot sale.

on the sidewalls odds: 11/2

Toyota iQ

COTY website: ‘Toyota has solved an almost impossible equation of size, room, functionality and safety in the iQ, a city car not addressed to massive sales. It has done so by cleverly engineering tricks in transmission, steering and interior, with thin seat backs and a non-existent dashboard/glovebox in the front occupant side… and a record number of airbags.’

Translation: Toyota have created the world’s first four seater car that only three people can sit in – and then priced it so high that it’s not getting any sales. The technology behind it is far too clever to explain in a second language, so we’ll just put it down to magic tricks… although we do know it’s got an airbag across the back window which is pretty cool.

on the sidewalls odds: 3/1

Volkswagen Polo

COTY website: ‘You may say new Polo is just a scaled-down Golf. So what? The Volkswagen spirit of excellence is integrated into the structure and looks of this model that plays the role of not being as big as other cars in this segment.’

Translation: Even we’re not going to suggest that the styling isn’t anything other than a Golf photocopied on 75% scale. Pretty lazy we know, but it does feel bloody posh inside, it’ll probably outlast a cockroach and it doesn’t weigh 2 tonnes.

on the sidewalls odds: 5/1

So, there you go – time to make your mind up. In our humble opinion, it should be a toss up between the thoughtfully designed and very useful C3 Picasso or the staggeringly designed but actually-not-that-useful Toyota iQ. Which means the Peuegot 3008 will inevitably win.

The winner will be announced on November 30th. Place your bets… NOW.

Precise Translation

Today in 60 words… it’s all you need to read.

Toyota spewed out even more pictures of its FT-86 Subaru mash-up, just to make sure we’re sick of it before its even unveiled in Tokyo next week. The Skoda Superb Estate galvanised its reputation as ‘most liked car ever’ by the British motoring press. And Renault showed us the billionth hot hatch of the month – the melty-faced £22k Megane 250.

‘That’s a nice touch – hooks for your shopping bags. And look at that, they’re adjustable.’ They’re not words you’d expect to fall out the mouth of a twenty-something, but fall they did. And they’re very revealing about the new Skoda Yeti’s character. No matter how old you are, or how radical your haircut and hobbies, it’s got the power to strip you of pretentious cool and suck you into its practical sense.

Despite being the newest member of the bafflingly popular crossover genre (raised ride-height cars, sold to people who imagine having dangerous lifestyles), the Yeti doesn’t have ‘ski hooks’, ‘rock-boot drawers’ or ‘hair gel cubbies’. Instead it’s got a big boot, adjustable and removable rear seats, lots of space and high quality thunkability. It’s easy to get into if you’re wearing a parachute and crash helmet, but doesn’t make you feel bad if you’re wearing old jeans and a Led Zep t-shirt.

But don’t mistake this passive attitude for laziness. Being based on a Golf, it goes round corners with reasonable agility, has a rubbery texture to the steering and a much steadier ride than you’d expect from a Skoda on stilts. Want to race to the beach before the tide? Let’s cane it. Want to cruise about with a slipped disc? I’ll be gentle sir.

The most popular Yeti is likely to be fitted with the 110bhp variant of VW’s slightly gruff 2.0 TDI motor, with a 6-speed manual gearbox. The 206lb ft of torque will help slug it away from any inconvenient mountains, while a combined mpg of around 50mpg means it will make it back for Eastenders without stopping for a top-up.

At £18k, this sensibly specced model isn’t cheap, but it doesn’t have to be. The aim of the game is to take on Nissan’s Qashqai and win – and because Skoda know it’s better than a Qashqai, they priced it at the same level. Let’s not forget that the Qashqai has enjoyed such massive sales figures that Nissan stopped bothering to make the Primera.

So, time for the nation’s collective personality to decide what’s more important – pretending to go up mountains, or admitting that shopping bag hooks are very useful. Skoda must be hoping that the down-to-earth people who answer honestly haven’t already got a Qashqai. They’ll be missing out if they have.

Numbly Fraudulent