‘Hello? HELLO? What’s that dear? A new hoover in the paper? Oh, a new Rover… well that does look smart. The back’s just like that nice P4 I had when I first met you dear. If I could go half an hour without needing a wee, I’d definitely have one of those. Never mind, we’ll be fine on the Ring and Ride. Now, must get the milk out the oven. Where are my slippers…’

But enough of that. Despite the biddy-pleasing chrome and 1950s shoulder-line, the 75 was actually quite revolutionary for Rover – it was a car with a proper development budget. While the original plan had been to make a new car by re-skinning the 600, BMW’s big cash pot enabled Rover to design and build the 75 from scratch.

And the Brummies done good. Class leading ride, an incredibly safe and rigid chassis, near-Rolls Royce levels of serenity… its styling looked backwards, but the engineering was totally up-to-date.

In the end, not even the 75 could save Rover from decades of mis-management and under-investment, so along with the company as we knew it, production ended in 2005. And what happens when a manufacturer goes bankrupt? Used value free-fall!

After years of depreciation that would make a Vel Satis wince, Rover 75 values have hit rock bottom. Yours from just £1,000, the classy Rov is now the best value wafter in the world. Which means you want one, and, therefore, you need to know how to buy a good one.

Firstly, try to avoid cars with black sills. Only found on pre-2001 cars that were built in Cowley, they rust quicker and aren’t built as solidly as Longbridge-made cars with body coloured sills. If you’re going to buy a Rover, get a proper Longbridge one. It’s basically law.

Secondly, avoid non-turbocharged 1.8 litre engines. Engines are the 75’s weak point and these K-Series units are the worst – underpowered, undesirable and with the all the head gasket misery you’d expect. The petrol V6 engines are smooth but thirsty, while the BMW-sourced diesels are economical but occasionally coarse. The 2.5 V6 suits the car perfectly, but the best compromise is the 1.8 turbo, which replaced the 2.0 V6 in 2002 – just watch the coolant like a hawk to avoid head gasket woe.

Thirdly, make sure the cambelt has been changed – especially on V6s. The 90,000-mile/6 year interval is reassuring, but thanks to the 75’s engine bay being tighter than a nun’s purse, changing the belt is a very expensive job. Especially as said job actually involves changing three different belts, two of which can only be reached by small boys who used to work in Victorian cotton mills.

Overall though, they’re strong old oxes with all the dignified grace of a good period drama. Find yourself a 2.5 V6 with service history and the cambelt done, pay less than £1,500, buy some string backed driving gloves and lollop about the black country with a hamlet on the burn. A fitting tribute to the band of Brummies that made the 75 a car to be proud of.

Ironed Socks

A few months ago, the Paris Motorshow sounded like it was going to be feeble. An Audi A7 (pictured), a BMW X3, a front wheel drive Freelander and a fictional KIA that sounded like a fizzy drink. Dull, tedious, anodyne. Then news broke that Chevrolet were planning to exhibit a five door Cruze. Bloody hell. Watching a nun play solitaire in the dark sounded more exciting.

But then… KERPOW!! Some exciting things were announced. Paris 2010 is going to be a belter. So here are five good reasons to face the French capital’s traffic between the 2nd and 17th of October. Five door Cruze not included.

A Mystery Lamborghini

The Murcielago is dead. Long live whatever Lambo give us at Paris. It’s likely to be called the Jota, will no doubt come with a hulking great V12 engine that’s more powerful than the Merci’s but 20% MORE ECONOMICAL…and, according to internet fiction-mongers, it might even have scissor doors. Leading up to the show, Lamborghini are going to release six teaser pictures of the car, of which this is the first…

Lotus Going Mental

UK Lotus PR bossman, who we’ll call Flo-Rida, has got himself into such a tizz about the countless new Lotus products that he’s forgotten to actually tell anyone what they are… so we’ll mainly have to guess. The only thing we know for sure is that Flo-Rida is taking a 1970s Esprit to the show, so we can safely expect Lotus to reveal the long awaited 21st Century Esprit – complete wth mid mounted, turbocharged V8 engine.

We also know that the Evora has been given a supercharger, hiking power to around 400bhp (that’s no real secret. Might have seen one driving around Millbrook…). They’ll also show off an Evora with an auto-box, made especially for Americans that suffer from muscle wastage in their fat left leg.

On top of that, there’s likely to be a 21^st Century re-imagination of the iconic Lotus Seven sports car, as well as two brand new cars with hybrid powertrains – one a GT, the other closer to the Lotus philosophy of performance through lightweight, but possibly front wheel drive. Details are thin on the ground (and possibly non-existent), but with two new Evoras, an Esprit, a new Seven and two hybrids, expect Lotus to be the centre of attention.

Some French Cars

Being as the show’s in Paris, Citroen, Peugeot and Renault want to get lots of attention. Citroen and Renault might actually get some. New cars with a double chevron badge will include the handsome DS4 (pictured), the ‘well proportioned’ new C4 as well as their nutty electric concept cars the RevoltE and Survolte.

Renault will be distracting people away from the tedium of a facelifted Laguna with their swoopy work of fiction, the DeZir. As a funky platform for new designer Laurens van den Acker to show off his craft, the DeZir suggests that the next generation of Renaults will ditch daintiness in favour of more muscular lines and…blah. Just use your eyes. Your imagination is as good as anyone else’s.

Finally, Peugeot will have the new 508 saloon, which replaces the 407 and 607. Good for them

Ugly Mercedes CLS

When designing the brand new CLS, Mercedes must have frequently asked ‘how on earth do we replace the world’s first four door coupe?’. No matter what they did, the new car would no longer be a world first and therefore lack impact and seem unimaginative.

After countless board meetings where design executives aggressively debated how to follow up such a handsome, groundbreaking car they settled on a tag for the brand new CLS. One they felt would get as much coverage as the original. One with talkability. Impact. They produced The World’s Ugliest Four Door Coupe. You can’t miss seeing this in the flesh.

Jaguar Coupe and Estate

Now that the bread and butter of the XF and the XJ are out and about, Jag can get a jiggle on with expanding their range. At Paris, they’re likely to show off a new XF based coupe and roadster, possibly called the C-Type or XC, as well as an XF estate. It’s unlikely that any new engines will be released, but a small XF based coupe with an angry face and XF-R engine is a lip smacking prospect. Also, let’s not forget that estates are cooler than saloons – so an XF Wagon will be ice cold. Especially with that new 3.0 turbodiesel engine.

So, there you have it. Go to the Paris motorshow… loads of fast, stylish cars and hardly a whiff of a hybrid. Makes a change.

Xerox Deluxe

Daubentonia Madagascariensis

Seriously. They make more videos than cars. Bentley have released what must be the final video in the series that has shown the world how their new Mulsanne makes it into the world.

Yup, it’s another one of these Bentley videos featuring regional accents, men who live near Crewe and interesting details about their forthcoming super-saloon monster. In this one, they get all kinky talking about wood, leather and stitching. Phwoar.

So, you’re minted. More money than Monaco minted. More oil than BP. More gold than… Elizabeth Duke. But you’ve sprouted some kids and need a car to get them to boarding school. They won’t fit in the Veyron, so what do you get? Porsche Panamera? Too ugly. Aston Martin Rapide? Too slow. Maserati Quattroporte? Too old. Bentley Flying Spur? Too common. All four? Too cheap.

If those are your answers, meet your new favourite car – the £900,000 Bugatti Galibier. Eight exhausts indeed.

It was actually at Geneva a few weeks ago, but the world’s press (and us) were too busy talking about hybrid supercars and Aston Martin iQs to pay much attention. So Bugatti have released some more pictures… just to ram home quite how ostentatious their new four-door car is.

While production isn’t confirmed, the Galibier has appeared too often and looks too finished to be a pointless show car, so expect it to go on sale in a couple of years. Up front is a twin-supercharged, 800bhp version of the Veyron’s W16 engine that they claim will shove the Galibier to 217mph.

The Veyron’s 7 speed DSG gearbox is thought to have been swapped with an 8 speed standard auto, while four wheel drive will do its best to put the power down and ceramic brakes will be tasked with shedding speed in the event of stray camels. 16 cylinders draped over the front wheels? The Galibier has the potential to completely redefine understeer.

But understeer or not, you’re now convinced. Kids in the back of a Veyron. Done. In fact, there’s only one question… does it come in white with bullet proof glass and a humidor?

It might still look like it went to the opticians without taking a friend for style advice, but that shouldn’t distract from the facts – the new Bentley Mulsanne is a Bentley. It’s still crafted, in parts, by real humans. It’ll smell amazing. Thanks to a twin-turbo 505bhp V8, it’ll shift. It’s got a a 2,220W Naim Audio stereo. Inside it’s got 24 leather hides and 9 wood veneers.

And, according to this video, it’ll also have bloody shiny paint. If you like programmes along the lines of ‘How It’s Made’ as well as posh cars, you’ll enjoy this. Basically, if you’re someone’s dad, this is your kind of thing.

Digesting the news… then spewing it out in 60 words

BMW announced their subtle new 5 Series Touring will go on sale in September, from £30,380. Fiat revealed their saccharine 500C Pink, which will set exhibitionists back £13,500. Nissan slipped a 187bhp, 2.5 litre turbocharged diesel into their quietly desirable Murano crossover. And Kia released more pictures of their handsomely tiger-faced, Mondeo-rivalling Magentis, which comes to the UK in 2011.

Digesting the news… then spewing it out in 60 words

Mercedes revealed their F800 Style Concept, which hints at the face of the next CLS and previews new plug-in hybrid technology. Kia showed off a sketch of their new Magentis which will go on sale early next year. And Audi confirmed production of the RS5, which features a tweaked version of the RS4’s V8 with 444bhp, and a DSG gearbox.

When you’re part of a big family, hand-me-downs are a way of life. Your older brother’s school trousers, your dad’s tools, your uncle’s Haynes manuals, your 2nd cousin’s wife – the usual stuff. It’s a lot cheaper to recycle than buy new, which is why the VAG family have reused the previous Audi A4 to make the new Seat Exeo.

But it’s not just a straight recycling job – the Exeo has been given the automotive equivalent of taken up hems. Seat have tweaked the A4’s damper and spring settings, grafted on a new face that meets current crash regulations and used the VW Group’s new common rail diesel engines – in 118, 140 and 168bhp states of tune. There’s also the 2.0 TSI petrol engine that was in the previous A4.

And it does feel like a different car. Because the interior is lifted from the old A4 cabriolet, there’s at least the suggestion that you’re not sitting in an old Audi saloon. It might not be gleamingly modern, and it still suffers the cramped back seats of the A4, but the precision and quality of the controls prevent it from seeming obviously recycled.

The tweaks to the chassis have helped the Exeo seem quicker witted round bends too. The nose-heavy Audi gait remains when really stuffed into a twist, but it’s got a more alert character than the A4, with sharper turn in, decent grip and even a muted hint of steering feedback. You’d struggle to get that from an old shape A4.

It does share a similarly rigid approach to dealing with bumps though – although our 17” alloys and lower Sport spec suspension will have shown the Exeo in its hardest guise. It relaxes at speed, with a slightly smoother motorway ride than an old A4 on similarly sized wheels, but the drive never manages to match either the agility or suppleness of a Mondeo.

And it’s the Mondeo rather than any Audi comparisons that cause the Exeo the biggest problems. For all the hand-me-down cost cutting, it still costs between £18,755 and £23,285. A middle of the range 140bhp TDI in SE spec will set you back £21k – only a couple of grand less than a similarly specced and equally powerful Mondeo. Next to the £25k you’d need for a new A4, the Exeo makes more sense – but despite the old Audi gubbins, the Seat just isn’t premium enough to compare.

Ultimately, it’s a tricky car to justify. As an improved, lower price version of a premium car that only went off sale a couple of years ago, it seems to offer decent value. But it’s not cheap enough to look enticing next to the more talented Mondeo. If you can afford a new Exeo, it’s only a small stretch to get the Ford – if you want an excellent value A4, go to the used section of the Audi dealer and save even more cash. Sounds harsh to what is an intelligently engineered, thoroughly decent car – but as every younger brother will confirm, you always get stick for wearing hand-me-downs.

After what felt like 40 days and 40 nights of straight-faced pre-amble, the brand new Audi A8 was released to the world last night, in a live-streamed event from Miami.

With so much build-up it was tricky to avoid the feeling of an enormous anti-climax when the car was released… it looks… just like… an Audi A4… but bigger… and, oh God… with even brighter daytime running lights. But now, in the cold light of day, we’ll give you a quick run down of the facts and pictures.

An 8 speed tiptronic box and Quattro 4wd will be standard on the launch models, with two engines available when it goes on sale in March – a 372bhp V8 4.2 FSI petrol and a 350bhp V8 4.2 diesel with a stonking 590lb ft of torque. Perhaps most impressive is the front wheel drive 201bhp V6 TDI which will arrive at the end of the year, as it puts out just 159 g/CO2 per km – it’ll also be the cheapest, costing from £53k.

It’s smartly techy too. As with the previous A8, it’s made of aluminium, and despite being bigger than the previous car (and bigger than an S-Class or 7-Series), it actually weighs around 30kg less. The MMI interface has been tweaked and given a touch-pad for writing commands on.

The headline technology though, is the pre-sense safety system. In its most basic form, it’ll automatically shut the windows and sunroof, tension the seatbelts and put the hazards on when it detects an emergency stop. In progressively snazzier, pricier versions it can also assist the brake force, automatically apply the brakes and even shift the front seat forwards to help prevent the rear passengers smacking their bonces in a crash.

More modesty, more safety, less weight, less pollution…and absolutely no surprises. Still, we bet the buttons feel a-may-zing.

The Car of the Year 2010 gong has been handed to the VW Polo, sparking a raging debate over what’s less imaginative – the car, or the decision to give it victory. The little Volkswagen pipped the thoroughly interesting Toyota iQ into second place by 10 points, with many pundits claiming Toyota ‘was robbed’, and that the whole scenario is almost as unfair as Ireland not qualifying for the World Cup because of Thierry Henry’s hand ball. Obviously VW didn’t cheat (corruption and bribes have definitely never played a part in the judgement process), but they have got bloody lucky.

Closer inspection of the results shows that the Polo was voted the best car by 25 of the 59 judges, and received a total score of 347 against the iQ’s 24 win votes and 337 points. Here’s a run down of the total scores:

1. Volkswagen Polo 347 points

2. Toyota iQ 337 points

3. Vauxhall Astra 221 points

4. Skoda Yeti 158 points

5. Mercedes-Benz E-class 155 points

6. Peugeot 3008 144 points

7. Citroen C3 Picasso 113 points

Readers with unusual memories, or the ability to click here, will no doubt be keen to point out that the Citroen C3 Picasso which we expected to be fighting the iQ for the top spot actually came last. We’d still have voted iQ first and C3 Picasso first. So there.

Turning Germapanese

Bipolar Bedlam

Guilded Tissues