HIT – Lamborghini Aventador

A V12, 700hp supercar with a shape and details that can only have come from the mind of a hyperactive child on an Ribena drip. 0-62 in 2.9 seconds. A fantastic lunatic.

MISS – Skoda Vision D

Hmmm. Don’t get cocky, Skoda. Don’t blow your chance to run with your ‘People’s Champion’ baton. As well as revealing their new rather stern looking logo, Skoda showed off this equally stern, cold and featureless Octavia sized thing. Doesn’t look like as friendly or happy as the Skodas we’ve grown to love.

HIT – Alfa Romeo 4c

A horny looking coupe, which seemed to be painted in crushed red velvet. Likely to cost £40k and do a sub-5 second 0-62 bolt, it sounds like a TT and Cayman rival – but can Alfa really put together a tight enough drivetrain and chassis to even get near to the mark? Nah. Looks nice though.

MISS – Jaguar XKR-S

Yes, with 542bhp it does have more power than an Aston Martin V12 Vantage… but there’s no disguising the fact that the XK is ancient. A186mph top speed is enormously fast, but give the old girl some dignity. And by dignity we don’t mean a stupid paint job and fussy splitters.

HIT – Ford B-Max

A Fiesta sized mini-MPV with sliding doors and a range of turbocharged tiny engines? Without the overly fussy face of the Focus and the still slightly too Nursing Home friendly vibe of the C-Max? Yes please and thank you. On sale from next year… just don’t mention the word ‘Fusion’

MISS – Subaru Impreza Concept

Oh. Most people didn’t notice this appear at the LA show in November last year. Even less people will have noticed it at Geneva. How long can Subaru keep going?

HIT – Renault Captur

You’d never guess that Nissan and Renault are the best of friends. One has the Juke and the Qashqai, and the other has a Koleos. This ballsy, Juke sized Captur shows that Renault at least have ambitions of closing the style/desirability gap to their Nissan chums.

MISS – Aston Martin Virage

Evolution is a good thing. Part-sharing also fine. But Aston’s ‘new’ Virage, which features the same V12 and same chassis as the rest of their cars is a step too far. As a facelifted DB9, the Virage would be awesome – as a brand new car, it’s a disappointment.

HIT – Ferrari FF

Yes, we’ve seen the pictures already… but look how big the boot is! And it’s not some achingly clever hybrid, it’s just a hulking great 4WD chest wig with a V12 up front. Just so Ferrari’s customers can go skiing. Awesome.

MISS – Toyota FT-86 II

The thought of a rear wheel drive Scirocco rival is exciting. But Toyota have teased us with that thought for so long now that it’s now become boring. And it looks messier than a branch of WHSmith. After a robbery.

STILL NOT SURE – Pagani Huayra

The Huayra should leave us in awe. Reeling at its other-worldly face. But it still hasn’t… does that make it underwhelming? Does that suggest it’s going to be timeless? Nobody knows. But next to an Aventador, it looks like a miserable fish. Judgement is being reserved until we see it for real.

The cream of the week’s news in just 60 words

Pagani released teaser videos for their unpronounceable Huayra hypercar. Vauxhall tried to distract us from their ASA TV ad wrist slapping by announcing that their Lifetime Warranty applies to used cars as well as new ones. Ford unveiled a 3-4 hour charge, 100-mile range, 84mph electric Focus, on sale in 2013. And three Renault bosses were accused of industrial espionage.

Ginger hair, NHS specs and buck teeth. That’s what the Renault Wind would be blessed with on its first day at school. Such an easy car to bully.

Mocked for having a hunched back. Teased for its ridiculously flatulent name. Giggled at for its piddly 1.2 or 1.6 petrol engines. But, much like the best victims of bullying, the Wind has a few tricks that help fend off the cussing and let it start pulling punches of its own.

For a start, the roof is brilliant. Like the Ferrari Superamerica, it’s a one-piece flip top that hinges at the back window – in 12 seconds it emerges from under its cover on top of the boot, swings over the seats and attaches to the windscreen. You’ve got to close the final latch yourself, but unlike every other folding hard top, the roof doesn’t bulge into the boot when it’s down. Smart, quick and practical… easily outsmarts the bullies.

It’s even better when you drive it. The Wind uses RenaultSport Twingo running gear, which in turn means it shares a lot of bushes, bolts and funlinks with the goosebumpingly lovely Clio 182. Roof up, there’s no noticeable body shimmy – just massive clumps of grip, a tweakable rear end and a snuffly front. It’s the most chuckable front wheel drive convertible I’ve ever driven.

There’s some scuttle wobble with the roof down, and the steering’s not the most granular, but it wazzes in the eyes of Tigras, 207CCs and other such drivel wagons. A ninja’s roundhouse kick to the teasing fatties.

Starting at £15,500, the Wind is cheaper than its comparatively terrible rivals too. It’s worth paying a grand extra to upgrade from a 100bhp 1.2 to the ferociously revvy 133bhp 1.6 from the Twingo Cup, but matching its performance in a 207CC would cost another two grand on top. And the Peugeot drives like a soggy tissue in comparison.

So… any reasons to tease the Wind at all? Well yes. The interior is made of melted down Smartie lids. You can’t see anything over your shoulder. And no matter how hard you press the clutch, the gearbox occasionally snags its cogs. But that’s it.

If tedious twazbags hadn’t started referring to everything from eating a Wispa to watching Wheeler Dealers as a guilty pleasure, then that’s what I’d call the Wind. But I won’t. It might be an unusual car to like, but it’s not going to make you feel as guilty or happy as snorting cocaine off a French prostitute’s left breast. Although it could probably go topless in about the same time as her.

The moral of the story? Don’t be a bully. Or you’ll be attacked by a ferocious little fart.

A few months ago, the Paris Motorshow sounded like it was going to be feeble. An Audi A7 (pictured), a BMW X3, a front wheel drive Freelander and a fictional KIA that sounded like a fizzy drink. Dull, tedious, anodyne. Then news broke that Chevrolet were planning to exhibit a five door Cruze. Bloody hell. Watching a nun play solitaire in the dark sounded more exciting.

But then… KERPOW!! Some exciting things were announced. Paris 2010 is going to be a belter. So here are five good reasons to face the French capital’s traffic between the 2nd and 17th of October. Five door Cruze not included.

A Mystery Lamborghini

The Murcielago is dead. Long live whatever Lambo give us at Paris. It’s likely to be called the Jota, will no doubt come with a hulking great V12 engine that’s more powerful than the Merci’s but 20% MORE ECONOMICAL…and, according to internet fiction-mongers, it might even have scissor doors. Leading up to the show, Lamborghini are going to release six teaser pictures of the car, of which this is the first…

Lotus Going Mental

UK Lotus PR bossman, who we’ll call Flo-Rida, has got himself into such a tizz about the countless new Lotus products that he’s forgotten to actually tell anyone what they are… so we’ll mainly have to guess. The only thing we know for sure is that Flo-Rida is taking a 1970s Esprit to the show, so we can safely expect Lotus to reveal the long awaited 21st Century Esprit – complete wth mid mounted, turbocharged V8 engine.

We also know that the Evora has been given a supercharger, hiking power to around 400bhp (that’s no real secret. Might have seen one driving around Millbrook…). They’ll also show off an Evora with an auto-box, made especially for Americans that suffer from muscle wastage in their fat left leg.

On top of that, there’s likely to be a 21^st Century re-imagination of the iconic Lotus Seven sports car, as well as two brand new cars with hybrid powertrains – one a GT, the other closer to the Lotus philosophy of performance through lightweight, but possibly front wheel drive. Details are thin on the ground (and possibly non-existent), but with two new Evoras, an Esprit, a new Seven and two hybrids, expect Lotus to be the centre of attention.

Some French Cars

Being as the show’s in Paris, Citroen, Peugeot and Renault want to get lots of attention. Citroen and Renault might actually get some. New cars with a double chevron badge will include the handsome DS4 (pictured), the ‘well proportioned’ new C4 as well as their nutty electric concept cars the RevoltE and Survolte.

Renault will be distracting people away from the tedium of a facelifted Laguna with their swoopy work of fiction, the DeZir. As a funky platform for new designer Laurens van den Acker to show off his craft, the DeZir suggests that the next generation of Renaults will ditch daintiness in favour of more muscular lines and…blah. Just use your eyes. Your imagination is as good as anyone else’s.

Finally, Peugeot will have the new 508 saloon, which replaces the 407 and 607. Good for them

Ugly Mercedes CLS

When designing the brand new CLS, Mercedes must have frequently asked ‘how on earth do we replace the world’s first four door coupe?’. No matter what they did, the new car would no longer be a world first and therefore lack impact and seem unimaginative.

After countless board meetings where design executives aggressively debated how to follow up such a handsome, groundbreaking car they settled on a tag for the brand new CLS. One they felt would get as much coverage as the original. One with talkability. Impact. They produced The World’s Ugliest Four Door Coupe. You can’t miss seeing this in the flesh.

Jaguar Coupe and Estate

Now that the bread and butter of the XF and the XJ are out and about, Jag can get a jiggle on with expanding their range. At Paris, they’re likely to show off a new XF based coupe and roadster, possibly called the C-Type or XC, as well as an XF estate. It’s unlikely that any new engines will be released, but a small XF based coupe with an angry face and XF-R engine is a lip smacking prospect. Also, let’s not forget that estates are cooler than saloons – so an XF Wagon will be ice cold. Especially with that new 3.0 turbodiesel engine.

So, there you have it. Go to the Paris motorshow… loads of fast, stylish cars and hardly a whiff of a hybrid. Makes a change.

Cliff Bloody Richard. No matter how much abuse critics give him for the drivelly nonsense that oozes from his anodyne musical pores, and no matter how much he looks like a creepy PE teacher, he just won’t stop. It’s the same with coupe convertibles – the fact that critics pan them for having useless boots, floppy dynamics and cramped back seats doesn’t seem to matter… they just keep coming.

So there’s no point in us noting that the new Renault Megane CC has the exact same faults as every other coupe cabriolet in existence – because folk who write about cars clearly know nothing about what makes normal humans like them. To really tell you whether or not the Renault Megane CC is worth buying, we need to find out what makes people ignore the faults of such flawed products and love them anyway. Should be easy. Cliff Richard has been flawed but loved for decades… we’ll just use his qualities as a framework. The Cliff Criteria.

Much of Cliff’s adoration comes from his ability to remind people of their youth, thus making them feel young again. Here, the Megane CC is exceptional. For a start, it feels incredibly large to sit in – this makes the driver think they’re smaller and therefore much younger. Also, because of the Megane’s excellent wind proofing and refinement with the roof both up and down, it also makes the driver feel protected, cocooned and cared for. Like a loved child.

It doesn’t stop there. Thanks to a glass roof and a button that drops all four windows at once, occupants always have the option of bright sunshine and fresh air… much like the option many children had of running round a playground or field or playing hopscotch or catch or something. A hayfever induced snotty nose is also a very real possibility.

Another key element in Cliff’s success is his keenness to embellish his imperfect face with a raft of cosmetic modifications. Again, the Megane CC follows Cliff’s lead. Despite having to hide the sins of a folding roof, the rear of the new Megane CC is styled reasonably cleanly. Just like with Cliff’s face, closer inspection reveals some inconsistencies in the way its lines flow from one end to the other, but the overall effect is pleasant enough.

Cliff is also keen to maintain an aura of athleticism, without ever actually having to exert himself – for example, while he is a fan of tennis, he is definitely not a tennis player. This is perhaps where the Megane follows his lead the closest. With the roof up, the Renault Megane CC is lithe, direct and energetic with a decent impression of agility.

But just like Cliff, this impression of athleticism doesn’t translate to any genuine sporting ability – the Megane’s default gait is one suited to a relaxed, meandering stroll. It’s also worth noting that when it goes topless, it has a tendency to shudder – much like Cliff would if he were to go topless on a cold day.

That awkward image brings us on to the difficult subject of mental aptitude. Despite his progressing years, Cliff has maintained a presence of mind that serves him well during public appearances… but his judgement isn’t perfect. Remember Millenium Prayer? That was NOT the result of an entirely rational mind. Again, the Megane CC treads in Cliff’s footsteps.

The complex 21 second routine that sees the roof fold itself away is completed with great mental agility – the Renault never, for example, forgets where it put the roof only to remember it’s actually sitting in the boot. But, just like Cliff did with the Millenium Prayer, the Megane CC does have some lapses in judgement. Despite being based on excellent Tom Tom software, the sat nav has little logic or sense to its operation, and the stereo is dim witted, slow to respond, always frustrating and often plain confusing.

Now to the final Cliff category, his premium price tag – people like to think they’re buying into something special. Tickets for his next concert (Royal Albert Hall on Monday 11th October Cliff fans), start off at the substantial price of £45. For comparison, Cliff’s more fashionable and critically acclaimed contemporary Tom Jones has tickets costing as little as £35.

For the Renault to follow Cliff’s lead it also needs to be more expensive than a more fashionable and critically acclaimed contemporary – which in this case is the VW Eos. And somewhat surprisingly, it is. The Renault Megane CC’s entry level price £21,595, which is actually £900 more than that of the VW Eos. The rest of the Renault’s range is more evenly matched to the VW’s – but for those looking for the cheapest possible way of buying such a car, the VW is the best option. Cliff would be proud of such confident pricing.

All of these similarities to Cliff means that despite the problems the Megane CC shares with all of its rivals, it will be a success. It makes you feel young, has had reasonable cosmetic modifications, feels pleasantly athletic without making you sweat, is intelligently designed but not always perfectly judged and comes with a premium price tag. But there’s one key difference. When it’s raining in Wimbledon, the Megane CC won’t be able to entertain the crowd with some music. Because, out of pure frustration, its driver will have smashed the stereo apart with a mallet.

You’ve no doubt heard about the precocious urban kids of N-Dubz using a Renault Megane Coupe Concept in their latest video. But have you seen the video? Possibly, yes… but not definitely. Have a look here – probably best to skip to 1:20 to avoid a nasty blood/ear situation.

Apparently, if you play it backwards, you can hear Dippy and Freddy spitting shit about Renault’s new, more fluid design direction.

Come on Renault, your RenaultSport cars are better than they’ve ever been – there’s no need to look desperate. Still, at least this one didn’t have OMG and LOL as standard. FFS.

Digesting the news… then spewing it out in 60 words

The first car in Saab’s Spyker era trundled out of the factory in Trollhättan – it was a 9-5 being built for testing. Audi announced their twinkly A1 will cost from £13,145 when it goes on sale in October. And Renault proudly announced that their Megane Coupe Concept features in the latest N-Dubz video, featuring everyone’s favourite hat-wearing textual abuser, Dappy.

Following on from the teaser image they released a few months ago, Nissan have now parped out more info and pics of their new Juke crossover. And it looks completely fucking mental. Gloriously ugly; a genetically modified cross between a Skoda Yeti and a Nissan Murano that’s being viewed through a prism. It’s no beauty, but it’s got the type of brutality and individuality we reckon will work on the street, and appeal to the youthfully trendy men Nissan are aiming for. Anyway, enough subjectivity – on with the fact spew.

Sir Juke will go on sale in October, slotting in under the all-conquering Qashqai in size and cost. No prices have been announced yet, but reckon on an opening gambit of around £13k. Beneath the mental face is a widened, lengthened version of the Micra platform which is available as either a two- or, if you go for the most powerful engine, four-wheel drive.

This top motor is a new 187bhp direct injection 1.6 petrol turbo, which Nissan say offers all the grunt and response of a naturally aspirated 2.5 litre. Beneath that is a naturally aspirated, 115bhp 1.6 petrol and Nissan’s familiar 1.5dCi diesel with 108bhp and 177lb ft of torque. Performance and economy figures haven’t been announced, but expect the 1.6 turbo petrol to be fast and not very economical, with the 1.5dCi being the exact opposite.

The 4wd version is fitted with a trick torque vectoring system that, like in a BMW X6, can shift power left or right across the rear axle as well as forward and back between front and rear – Nissan claim this will reduce understeer. A multi-link rear suspension is also fitted to the 4wd models, instead of the torsion beams on the 2wd drive cars… seems a shame that only the most powerful engine is available with this chassis really.

Three spec levels will be available – the usual Nissan lines of Visia, Acenta and Tekna. Optional kit will include a reversing camera, illuminated door sills and ‘Nissan Dynamic Control System’ which lets the driver fiddle with the car’s dynamic settings as well as boring stuff like the heater and lights. Whether it’s a stunner or a munter is up to you, but if Nissan do price the Juke lower than the Qashqai or Skoda Yeti, you better get used to seeing it around. And because it’s built in Britain you can’t say anything bad about it – or Alistair Darling will kneecap you. You’ve been warned.

Digesting the news… then spewing it out in 60 words

Renault gave fans of fart jokes a late Christmas present, showing off their new Twingo based Wind convertible – it’ll go on sale this June, costing about £16k. Spyker-Saab announced they’ll release a new 9-3 model in 2012, and the 9-4X next year. And Felipe Massa’s head proved itself to be fixed, as he was quickest in today’s F1 testing.

Digesting the news… then spewing it out in 60 words

The Mini range was tweaked with all models getting a slight increase in power and decrease in emissions. GM won’t sell the new 9-5 and 9-3 as rebadged Buicks, and will just bin them should Saab die. And MOT pass rates were released for cars taking their first test in 2007 – Megane was the worst and Corolla the best.

Yes, we know it’s now Monday so this is old news… but we went to the pub on Friday and have only just left. So, for the sake of continuity, here’s Friday’s news on Monday:

Digesting the news… then spewing it out in 60 words

Some Formula 1 news happened: Renault sold 75% of its team to an unnamed buyer, keeping 25% for itself; and the points system was changed with 25 points for 1^st place, down to 1 point for 10^th. There were rumours of Kia making a rear-drive coupe, based on the Hyundai Genesis. And pictures of Honda’s CR-Z leaked onto the internet.

Owners of the last shape Mazda3 MPS spent just as much time defending their cars against cynical mates as they did driving them. Banging on about the 256bhp power output, 6.1 second 0-62mph time and 155mph top speed, they were adamant that because it had better stats than a Golf GTi, the MPS was a better car. Sadly, their mates knew otherwise. The old car looked bland, felt synthetic and squirmed its power away with embarrassingly premature wheelspin. So, perhaps this new one can redress the balance and give its owners some more sophisticated grounds to argue on.

Encouragingly, all the key numbers have stayed exactly the same. Power, acceleration and top speed benchmarks are all identical to the last one, from the same 2.3 litre turbocharged four cylinder engine. All the work has gone into making it lighter and more rigid. So, in not worrying about making it look more impressive on paper, have Mazda made it more impressive on tarmac?

Being based on the current Focus, it’s got a crisp balance, a well-judged blend between roll control and pliancy, and decently chatty steering. It feels better resolved, more sophisticated and smarter than the last one – but it’s still not as accomplished as a Megane, Golf or Focus hotty. The better ride and awesome speed do mean we’d have an MPS over a Civic Type-R though.

And there’s still no getting away from the insanity going on at the front wheels. Any camber, rut or grease will be sniffed out and followed like a hunting hound to fox piss. On dry country roads it’s fun chasing the car down the route it wants to take, but on anything damp it’s a pain – even on what look like straight roads, you’ll be tugging against the torque as the boost comes in at 2,500rpm. Despite having limited torque output in first and second gears, and despite an LSD and torque-sensing software that adjusts the grunt depending on your steering inputs, it too often shows exactly why Ford invented Revoknuckle.

But the new MPS doesn’t rely on paper stats anywhere near as heavily as the previous car – despite the common faults, it comes closer to feeling like a well-rounded, controllable and dynamically talented hot hatch than before. Add an enormous kit list with parking sensors, bi-xenon lights, a cracking Bose hi-fi, leather everything and sat nav to a low £21,500 price and it starts to look like a sensible buy. The looks, even though it’s only available in practical but uncool 5dr, finally do the frenetic power delivery justice.

So, while even new MPS owners will need to defend their car to their mates, they’ll be able to put up a much stronger argument. It’s still no class leader, but offers incredible value, is incredibly quick and  much of the time frantic fun. If you’re the type who likes to end an argument with an arm wrestle, it could be just what you’re looking for.

Digesting the news… then spewing it out in 60 words

Aston Martin revealed that their Panamera-embarassing Rapide four-door will cost £139,950 when it goes on sale in March 2010. Nissan’s Cube pricing was also announced – starting from £14,000 when it hits shelves in January. And in motorsport, Raikkonen signed up as a 2010 Citroen WRC driver, while Renault’s F1 carcass was fought over by Prodrive and some bankers from Luxembourg.

Digesting the news… then spewing it out in 60 words

Volkswagen were reported to be thinking about supplying Formula One engines from 2012. The Phoenix Four Rover ruiners returned £3,000,000 to MG, after an out of court discussion about how treacherous they are. And the Russian government announced they’d pump £1billion into Lada’s parent company Avtovaz, in exchange for Renault (who own 25% of the company) providing some new technology.

Digesting the news… then spewing it out in 60 words

GM announced 9,000 jobs cuts across Europe – 60% will come from Germany, with the rest spread between the UK, Belgium, Spain and Poland. Mercedes and Renault announced that they’re working together to produce a rear-engined city car platform, ready by 2013. Renault also revealed the Gordini Twingo Renaultsport, the first of a range of specials reviving the historic Gordini name.

If you’re like us, you’ll have a habit of equating hot hatches with various genres of dance. The art of choreographed leaping shares a lot with the art of making shopping cars go quickly: an appreciation of rhythm; the visceral sense of power; the demand for agility… and, if you’re really doing it right, an emotional twinge. So, lets find out what the Ibiza Cupra Bocanegra is dancing to.

Could it be ballet? The daintiest and most technically nuanced discipline, mastered by the Seat’s Renaultsport Clio 200 rival. Warming up in pink tights, the Ibiza looks good – at £16,695 it’s a few hundred quid cheaper than the Clio, even after the £700 face-job of this Bocanegra edition. It looks meaner as it enters the dance floor too… but a flat-footed plie reveals an early unwillingness to ping around on Clio tippy toes. It looks nervous.

After some perseverance, the Ibiza livens up – but never quite matches the Renault’s dainty flair. The chassis has fallen victim to its own uptight stiffness; there’s so much rigidity that it can’t show off with the fluid rhythm of the quick Clio. Despite an electronic diff controlling the footwork, it ain’t no ballerina. Far too hard for all that flouncing about.

So, seeing as it’s too rigid for ballet, does it prefer a more regimented line dance? Thankfully not – it’s got too much energy. With a super- and turbo-charger strapped onto the little 1.4, the 178bhp Ibiza is an addictively meaty dance partner, with 184lb ft of torque twisting your hips from just 2,000rpm. It’s muscly, grunty and keen – a 7.2 second 0-62mph time is too quick for line dancing, so let’s move on before a biddy has a heart attack and spoils it for everyone.

Flamenco? A bit of gregarious hand-clapping and shouting seems right up the Ibiza’s street, and not just for lazy Spanish metaphors. While a Clio 200 would sneer at the castanets and nylon strung guitars for not being highbrow enough, the Ibiza is happy to get stuck in, grabbing you by the shirt frills and plying you with sangria. Tune into the dance and you’ll note the tactile steering and grinning enthusiasm as it sticks to the floor with grippy dancing shoes.

But still, even flamenco’s not quite right… there’s too much precision from the DSG gearbox – it wants to dance to something tighter. The double clutch system perfectly choreographs the Ibiza’s routine – whether in flappy paddle manual or subtle auto, there’s a chunky momentum to progress as everything works together and draws you in. The meaty sound, torquey pull and tactile steering make it feel like a mini-Scirocco. A proper grown-up.

And it’s the visceral, grunty nod to the Scirocco school of dance that reveals what the Cupra has been thumping along to all night. It might not be the most refined or dainty discipline – but balls to the bloody ballet. The Ibiza is having a laugh on a West End stage, banging bin lids and smacking broomsticks in shouty unison – the Cupra Bocanegra is dancing to the hard, visceral and addictive… Stomp the Musical.

Digesting the news… then spewing it out in 60 words

Volvo revealed the gloopy faced but nicely proportioned S60 saloon, set to politely woo 3 Series buyers next autumn. Nissan gave current GT-R owners a rare reason not to be ecstatic, by improving the chassis on new cars. And Citroen unveiled the C-Zero, an electric car based on the Mitsubishi i-MiEV, which looks a bit staid next to Renault’s Twizy.

Garçon Martin

Vans. You probably think they’re just for plumbers, coppers and kidnappers – but that might not be the case. We’ve got a hunch that they’re hiding some tremendous track-day potential. Think about it. Some of them, like the Punto-derived Fiat Fiorino we’ve spent a week in, are based on squirty little superminis, and have already had the hard part of track preparation done. They could be the ultimate stripped out, two seat, VAT free track-weapons.

But, we could be wrong… maybe they’re just rattly, flimsy, underpowered cart-horses. To find out, we’re twin-testing the Fiat Fiorino 1.3 Multijet diesel van against our favourite track-ready hot hatch car – the recently departed Renault Megane R26.R. Just out of curiosity really. You never know, we might unearth a miracle. So, let’s begin.

Price + Spec

The first step in buying a track-car is deciding how much you can spend, and what you want for your money. In producing the R26.R, Renault stripped the air con, CD player, back seats and sound deadening from a normal R26 and replaced a lot of the glass with Perspex – spec wise, it’s thread bare. And so is the Fiorino. The evolution from Punto to Fiorino has seen similar kit chucked out, but crucially, you still get a CD player – and no matter how focused you are, a road car needs a stereo. For that reason, as well as the fact that the Fiat costs less than half the Renault’s £23k, the Fiorino wins.

Handling + Performance

Again the Fiorino impresses, being 130kg lighter than the Megane. It’s also free from ESP constraints, having nothing more than a throttle pedal and skinny Pirellis applying horse to course. The Punto chassis is well balanced, and without any weight over the back wheels is delighted to offer some three wheeled tail shimmying around squirmy little hairpins. Unladen, it’s a bouncy affair, but it’s a tight, responsive bounce instead of a loose springy one, so we won’t complain. We will moan however about the lack of steering feel and the weediness of the 75 bhp 1.3 litre turbo-diesel engine.

The Megane R26.R shares the Fiorino’s balance, agility and willingness to shimmy round hairpins, but adds an infinitely bigger dose of slap and tickle, with more power and a lot more feel. The slap comes from the standard R26’s 226bhp turbocharged two litre four pot, which whooshes and screams through the barely insulated cabin. It’s a noise unique to the R26.R – get past 4,000rpm and you’ll swear a Ghostbuster is sucking up baddies through the titanium exhaust. Frightening and tremendous – possibly the weirdest, brilliantest noise to come from a four cylinder car.

But the tickle far outweighs the slap. With the optional roll-cage and sticky Toyo track tyres, the R26.R is as agile as a kitten in a hot bath; turn in, grip, feedback and all the other things track cars should do well are top of the class. Perhaps the steering is a little too light, perhaps the gear-change too closely related to a mum’s Megane, but let’s be honest – it’s tighter to drive than a Focus RS, so it’s miles better than a van.

Practicality + Ownership

This is where the Fiorino does rather well. While both machnes are lacking rear seats, they deal with the problem in different ways. The Megane refuses to raise a smile about the situation, remaining intensely focused on the track-day task in hand. Welded across the back is a full roll cage, which takes up the whole of the boot. What you gain in rigidity, you lose in not being able to take a spare set of tyres to the track.

In the Fiorino however, all the space is given over to track-day essentials like wheels, oil, cambelts and brake discs. The R26.R might think it’s a track car for the road, but you’ll be buggered if you try and drive it home on threadbare tyres after a hard session. The Fiat? It might not be quite as much fun when you’re there, but at least you won’t be stranded at Castle Combe on a rainy Sunday.

Conclusion

So, there you have it. The Fiat Fiorino 1.3 Multijet diesel is a better overall track-day proposition than the Renault Megane R26.R. It’s cheaper to buy, easier to exploit and more practical to run. Which makes it perfect.

Except obviously that’s all bollocks. Because a track-day car should be marriage wreckingly expensive. It should be near impossible to explore the limits of, and so impractical that every minute that isn’t spent clipping apexes and hitting rumble-strips feels like a life sentence in stupidity. You don’t get oily hands, calloused fingers and a stiff neck from a van. If you can get a flat pack Ikea bed in the back of your track car, it doesn’t matter how good you think it handles, you’re just not doing it properly. In fact, get off the computer and go and buy a Caterham.

Digesting the news… then spewing it out in 60 words

Toyota put their hands up and said ‘we tried our best, we were rubbish… so we give up’ as they quit Formula One, with Renault thinking about following suit. Fiat announced many changes to Chrysler, including the most sensible thing – stop selling them in the UK altogether. And the SEMA show cracked on with a variety of ludicrous American metal.