Ginger hair, NHS specs and buck teeth. That’s what the Renault Wind would be blessed with on its first day at school. Such an easy car to bully.

Mocked for having a hunched back. Teased for its ridiculously flatulent name. Giggled at for its piddly 1.2 or 1.6 petrol engines. But, much like the best victims of bullying, the Wind has a few tricks that help fend off the cussing and let it start pulling punches of its own.

For a start, the roof is brilliant. Like the Ferrari Superamerica, it’s a one-piece flip top that hinges at the back window – in 12 seconds it emerges from under its cover on top of the boot, swings over the seats and attaches to the windscreen. You’ve got to close the final latch yourself, but unlike every other folding hard top, the roof doesn’t bulge into the boot when it’s down. Smart, quick and practical… easily outsmarts the bullies.

It’s even better when you drive it. The Wind uses RenaultSport Twingo running gear, which in turn means it shares a lot of bushes, bolts and funlinks with the goosebumpingly lovely Clio 182. Roof up, there’s no noticeable body shimmy – just massive clumps of grip, a tweakable rear end and a snuffly front. It’s the most chuckable front wheel drive convertible I’ve ever driven.

There’s some scuttle wobble with the roof down, and the steering’s not the most granular, but it wazzes in the eyes of Tigras, 207CCs and other such drivel wagons. A ninja’s roundhouse kick to the teasing fatties.

Starting at £15,500, the Wind is cheaper than its comparatively terrible rivals too. It’s worth paying a grand extra to upgrade from a 100bhp 1.2 to the ferociously revvy 133bhp 1.6 from the Twingo Cup, but matching its performance in a 207CC would cost another two grand on top. And the Peugeot drives like a soggy tissue in comparison.

So… any reasons to tease the Wind at all? Well yes. The interior is made of melted down Smartie lids. You can’t see anything over your shoulder. And no matter how hard you press the clutch, the gearbox occasionally snags its cogs. But that’s it.

If tedious twazbags hadn’t started referring to everything from eating a Wispa to watching Wheeler Dealers as a guilty pleasure, then that’s what I’d call the Wind. But I won’t. It might be an unusual car to like, but it’s not going to make you feel as guilty or happy as snorting cocaine off a French prostitute’s left breast. Although it could probably go topless in about the same time as her.

The moral of the story? Don’t be a bully. Or you’ll be attacked by a ferocious little fart.

A few months ago, the Paris Motorshow sounded like it was going to be feeble. An Audi A7 (pictured), a BMW X3, a front wheel drive Freelander and a fictional KIA that sounded like a fizzy drink. Dull, tedious, anodyne. Then news broke that Chevrolet were planning to exhibit a five door Cruze. Bloody hell. Watching a nun play solitaire in the dark sounded more exciting.

But then… KERPOW!! Some exciting things were announced. Paris 2010 is going to be a belter. So here are five good reasons to face the French capital’s traffic between the 2nd and 17th of October. Five door Cruze not included.

A Mystery Lamborghini

The Murcielago is dead. Long live whatever Lambo give us at Paris. It’s likely to be called the Jota, will no doubt come with a hulking great V12 engine that’s more powerful than the Merci’s but 20% MORE ECONOMICAL…and, according to internet fiction-mongers, it might even have scissor doors. Leading up to the show, Lamborghini are going to release six teaser pictures of the car, of which this is the first…

Lotus Going Mental

UK Lotus PR bossman, who we’ll call Flo-Rida, has got himself into such a tizz about the countless new Lotus products that he’s forgotten to actually tell anyone what they are… so we’ll mainly have to guess. The only thing we know for sure is that Flo-Rida is taking a 1970s Esprit to the show, so we can safely expect Lotus to reveal the long awaited 21st Century Esprit – complete wth mid mounted, turbocharged V8 engine.

We also know that the Evora has been given a supercharger, hiking power to around 400bhp (that’s no real secret. Might have seen one driving around Millbrook…). They’ll also show off an Evora with an auto-box, made especially for Americans that suffer from muscle wastage in their fat left leg.

On top of that, there’s likely to be a 21^st Century re-imagination of the iconic Lotus Seven sports car, as well as two brand new cars with hybrid powertrains – one a GT, the other closer to the Lotus philosophy of performance through lightweight, but possibly front wheel drive. Details are thin on the ground (and possibly non-existent), but with two new Evoras, an Esprit, a new Seven and two hybrids, expect Lotus to be the centre of attention.

Some French Cars

Being as the show’s in Paris, Citroen, Peugeot and Renault want to get lots of attention. Citroen and Renault might actually get some. New cars with a double chevron badge will include the handsome DS4 (pictured), the ‘well proportioned’ new C4 as well as their nutty electric concept cars the RevoltE and Survolte.

Renault will be distracting people away from the tedium of a facelifted Laguna with their swoopy work of fiction, the DeZir. As a funky platform for new designer Laurens van den Acker to show off his craft, the DeZir suggests that the next generation of Renaults will ditch daintiness in favour of more muscular lines and…blah. Just use your eyes. Your imagination is as good as anyone else’s.

Finally, Peugeot will have the new 508 saloon, which replaces the 407 and 607. Good for them

Ugly Mercedes CLS

When designing the brand new CLS, Mercedes must have frequently asked ‘how on earth do we replace the world’s first four door coupe?’. No matter what they did, the new car would no longer be a world first and therefore lack impact and seem unimaginative.

After countless board meetings where design executives aggressively debated how to follow up such a handsome, groundbreaking car they settled on a tag for the brand new CLS. One they felt would get as much coverage as the original. One with talkability. Impact. They produced The World’s Ugliest Four Door Coupe. You can’t miss seeing this in the flesh.

Jaguar Coupe and Estate

Now that the bread and butter of the XF and the XJ are out and about, Jag can get a jiggle on with expanding their range. At Paris, they’re likely to show off a new XF based coupe and roadster, possibly called the C-Type or XC, as well as an XF estate. It’s unlikely that any new engines will be released, but a small XF based coupe with an angry face and XF-R engine is a lip smacking prospect. Also, let’s not forget that estates are cooler than saloons – so an XF Wagon will be ice cold. Especially with that new 3.0 turbodiesel engine.

So, there you have it. Go to the Paris motorshow… loads of fast, stylish cars and hardly a whiff of a hybrid. Makes a change.

Ask SEAT the time and they’ll have just one infectiously harmonised answer – it’s Eco time! And that’s because they’ve fitted their Altea XL family car with a new super-green 1.6 TDI engine, a stop/start system, energy recuperation technology and called it the Ecomotive! Go eco go eco go!

With a combined fuel economy figure of 62.8mpg, this is the most economical Altea XL ever! And with CO2 emissions of only 119g/km it’s also the least polluting! But does downsizing the engine mean you’ll always arrive late? Is Eco time always five minutes later than planned?

No! While the little 1.6 TDI engine can only punch out 104bhp and a 0-62mph eco-time of 11.5 seconds, it doesn’t feel crippled by greenness! You will need a careful eye on the revs during motorway hills, but as long as you’re not over-eager, the little diesel’s 184lb ft thrump of torque keeps eco-time on time!

And of course, shrinking the engine hasn’t shrunk the interior! Space and eco-time – it’s like a physicists fantasy! A 532 litre boot! Plenty of leg room! Cubby holes in the roof! A hidden boot floor! Hide and seek would take a long time in here! But, what about the Peugeot 3008? We’re glad you asked!

The cunning Puglet is our favourite family car and is the Altea XL’s feircest rival!  So, is eco-time up for the greeny SEAT? Yes and no! Costing between £16k and £19k, the Spaniard is similarly equipped, more economical and a little quicker than a same price Frenchie – but it’s not as clever inside! The Peugeot has chrome flourishes, even more trinket pockets, bigger cubbies and a more flexible boot! The Altea doesn’t have a good time when you compare its insides to the best!

But, as Chico himself said, you can get delirious if you take life too serious! So let’s put the practicalities and frugalities aside! It’s where the SEAT surprises! The small engine makes the front feel light, the steering is accurate, grip is high, body roll is kept in check – and all without making the ride grate and irritate like a perma-tanned pop song! Good times!

So while the interior packaging might not be the best in these competitive times, the green-skills and driving fun make eco-time something to look forward to!

Car manufacturers make a big deal about their heritage. VW stitch chequered patterns into the seats of brand new Golf GTIs to invoke the ‘spirit of the original’, Peugeot have the nerve to badge a gawpy faced shopping trolley as an S16, and BMW even hi-jacked someone else’s heritage when they celebrated the original Mini’s 50th birthday as their own. But why bother? What does such Tony Robinson history gazing actually prove?

Two things. First, that car companies were more innovative and interesting in the past than they are now. And second, that they think people don’t like change. So when the mk5 Golf GTi came around with a radical new double clutch gearbox, proper handling and 200hp, VW didn’t say ‘it’s completely different’ they said it was ‘the original, updated’. Despite the fact it was totally new. Apart from the pattern on the seats, obviously.

The point of such comforting, stylised references is to encourage brand loyalty; ‘don’t worry, your new car will have all the things you like about your old car… but it’ll be better’. We don’t ever really feel the past seeping through a car’s controls and dynamics – we’re just told it’s there. In the DNA. Invisible, intangible… but there. Outside of seat fabric semiotics though, it’s largely bollocks. Marketing, not engineering.

Which makes the Mazda CX-7 a massive surprise, because it’s the exact opposite: a car without heritage, that somehow manages to feel like its busting at the seems with DNA. Not just any old gene strings either, but straight from their most iconic, heritage packed car – the mk1 MX5. It’s because of something we’re going to call mechanical continuity – the tiny but tangible feats of engineering that give a car its character, and that can make different machines genuinely feel related. A sense of mechanical continuity is exactly what the badge engineered new Minis and Peugeot S16s lack. There’s no tangible relationship to the cars which apparently inspired them.

Drive the CX-7 and MX-5 back-to-back and, despite the enormous differences in their purposes, the similarities are more striking than the differences. Not because of some flaky reference to the spirit of open-topped motoring either, but because of an impression of genuine ancestry. The gearchanges, for instance, could have been made on identical factory lines. Snicky, short, mechanical, deliberate and satisfying – each car’s box rewards a precise left hand.

The steering too, has a closely related manner. Over-assisted around the dead-ahead, quick to react, detailed under load and linear… both systems feel like they’ve come from the same engineer’s workshop. Light, sharp clutches which punish lapses in concentration. Brakes which bite with little effort but can be modulated easily. Interiors with circular vents, clear dials and stubby gear levers. Bodywork that doesn’t feel as if it’s got class leading torsional rigidity. The cars are separated by 15 years, 750kg, drivetrain layouts, transmissions, purposes and even number of seats… but there’s a clear ancestry pinning them together.

So why don’t Mazda say call it ‘the MX-5… but off-road’ or something? Why don’t they peddle the past to sell the future? They’d got reasonable grounds to do so after all – the CX-7 feels more closely related to an MX-5 than a 207 S16 does to a 205 S16 after all. They could have given it pop-up lights and everything.

It’s probably because they think the car buying public aren’t stupid. They don’t expect us to fall for the marketing spiel… they know that seat fabrics don’t give a new car the spirit of an old one. It’s a commendable, respectable way of dealing with car buyers. Treating them respect, and an assumption that we’re not all susceptible to pretty pictures and break dancers with Gene Kelly’s head. And when was the last time you saw a CX-7? Exactly. Never. We’re too stupid to give it a chance. If it was called the MX-4×4 they’d be all over the place.

Handling handling handling. Think of any great Peugeot, and an ability to dance on tippy toes will be what defines it. Brittle interiors, moody electrics and Rizla-thin panels are all forgiven if the Pug can cock a wheel and shimmy a tail. All memorable Peugeots handle better than they look.

Which puts a massive weight of pressure on the brand new RC Z – because it looks amazing. The double bubble roof, an Olympic swimmer’s shoulders and the peachy rear of a keen female jockey manage to distract the eye from the genetically flawed Lesley Ash gob. And that’s not the only pressure. Seeing as the top spec RC Z (the only one you need care about) is a 200bhp turbocharged coupe costing about £25k, it’s heading for a flouncy cuffed fist fight with the VW Scirocco and Audi TT. So, that handling we were on about…

70mph, spread eagled over both lanes of a Spanish A-Road with a clean line of sight for at least half a mile… 10 corners of handling indulgence. Gingerly into the first left-hander, not braking but lifting, touching the apex and easing away. Already there’s a sense of weight, an impression of width to the RC Z that builds your trust. Accelerate back to a right that’s a mirror of the first left. Don’t lift this time. Steering develops more weight… a few nudges as it kicks back over ridges. Hydraulically assisted, consistent and linear – not overly chatty but the tyres aren’t loaded up yet. There’s still time for it to shine.

Approaching a downhill corkscrew. Taking the first right-hander on the brakes to shed speed before the tighter left that follows. Car’s led by the front, with understeer at the limit – but the back will shimmy under braking. Not what you’d call oversteer, not something you’d deliberately provoke but satisfying to feel all four tyres doing some work, even if the rears seem like passengers.

Right, left, right all dispatched in 2nd, barping off the limiter with the final corner left behind. Not overly sharp or too quick and fidgety – just agile but easy, accurate but flattering. Three corners to go. Sounds awesome. Crunch time.

Massively egged on by the meaty noise now. 3rd gear into a right hooker that’s sensibly 4th, just for the rort. Outside wheels loaded up as the RC Z leans on its springs, front tyres starting to have their sidewalls nibbled away as they succumb to understeer… but it won’t be thrown off line. Hanging on, riding the humps, keeping its feet on the ground, lift as the bend straightens out for the left that follows. Turn in, carrying too much speed, ABS rattles the front wheels on a damp patch and tightens their line – good steering feel now, rubbery, grippy, connected. Blast out of the bend, still in third, into 4th for the final sweeper… car banks in, sits on its springs, holds its line and is away. Still holding onto each gear to make the most of the noise, only easing off to spare being hexed by the approaching villagers.

That was fun – not electrifying, but fun. The RC Z is no dynamic scalpel, no overly focussed track addict. But it’s balanced, fluid, softer than you’d expect and satisfyingly physical to chuck about. Perhaps not as tight, tactile or adjustable as a Scirocco, but definitely more fun than an Audi TT. Easily the best handling Peugeot since the 106 GTI disappeared in 2002.

But, somehow, it’s not the way it corners that defines the Peugeot. There’s more to it than that.

The ride is better than a Scirocco or TT – still firm, but not crashy. The interior, while very clearly related to the 308, feels special. You’ll need a GT spec car to get the leather-trimmed seats and dash but it makes it feel a cut above. Also, despite the roofline, the RC Z has also got a decent boot – long and flat as opposed to short and upright like a Scirocco’s. The back seats are as useless as you’d expect, but if you need better you should be buying a 3008 anyway. And while the 200bhp version’s 0-62mph of 7.5 seconds might not sounds amazing, it never feels underpowered and should do nearly 40mpg. Go for the 156bhp version of the same engine or the 163bhp 2.0HDI diesel and you can bump that up to 40.9 or 52.3mpg. It’s all incredibly convincing.

Compromise is usually a dirty word. It makes cars comfortable instead of fun, frugal instead of fast, practical instead of stylish – but the compromises in the Peugeot RC Z are actually what make it so easy to like. A Scirocco might be a better handler, but it’s not as pretty, satisfying, economical or enjoyable. Instead of sacrificing any aspect for another, Peugeot have given the RC Z a perfect blend of them all. It’s a Peugeot that’s memorable not just for handling, but for everything else as well.

Digesting the news… then spewing it out in 60 words

Peugeot showed off their new ‘5’ concept – a 200bhp, 99g/Km Co2, 74.3mpg diesel-hybrid which previews the pleasant shape and clever tech of the upcoming 508 saloon. Subaru announced that they’ve persuaded Cosworth to breathe on their Impreza STI, making a special edition that will arrive next month. And more F1 testing happened, with Hamilton getting the boasters prize for fastest time.

Digesting the news… then spewing it out in 60 words

Virgin Racing unveiled their VR-01 F1 car, although not with the online digital extravaganza they’d hoped for because of technical difficulties. Which bodes well. Peugeot invoked unanimous disappointment with their new £14,695 207 S16, which only has 120bhp but loads of stickers. And Kia released pictures of their dashingly handsome Sportage, which will go on sale this September from £15,500.

Seems that during the last decade, Japanese manufacturers weren’t being as tight with the QC as they’d have us believe. In the last few days, both Honda and Toyota have recalled enormous quantities of motors to make sure they’re not going to drive off randomly or catch fire. And, because of the shared platforms of the Toyota Aygo, Citroen C1 and Peugeot 107, PSA had to call some back too. Seeing as it’s all over the news and people are getting in a bit of a tizz, we thought we’d do the sensible thing and put all the recall details in one place:

Toyota

The problem

Certain accelerator pedal mechanisms may, in rare instances, mechanically stick in a partially depressed position or return slowly to the idle position.

The symptom

Car gets faster when you don’t really want it to.

The solution

1.8 million cars across Europe are being recalled, to have a strengthening plate fitted to the accelerator mechanism that stops it from sticking.

Affected cars:

Aygo (Feb 2005 – Aug 2009)

iQ (Nov 2008 – Nov 2009)

Yaris (Nov 2005 – Sep 2009)

Auris (Oct 2006 – 5 Jan 2010)

Corolla (Oct 2006 – Dec 2009)

Verso (Feb 2009 – 5 Jan 2010)

Avensis (Nov 2008 – Dec 2009)

RAV4 (Nov 2005 – Nov 2009)

Toyota will contact all customers effected, but if you want to pester them call Toyota GB Customer Relations on 0800 1388 744. The parts needed for the fix are expected to arrive in the UK early next week, with customers being contacted at around the same time.

Honda

The problem

Electric window switches may short circuit if exposed to water.

The symptom

The electric window switch catches fire.

The solution

A global recall of 646,000 Jazz’s, 171,372 of which are from the UK, to either have a new electric window switch fitted or a waterproof skirt fitted to the current one.

Affected cars

Honda Jazz 2001 – 2008.

Citroen and Peugeot

The problem

The Citroen C1 and Peugeot 107 are made in the same Czech factory as the Toyota Aygo and could suffer the same sticking accelerator.

The symptom

Accidentally starting a race with a Toyota Aygo.

The solution

PSA are recalling up to 100,000 C1s and 107s to have the same modifications to their accelerator mechanisms as the Toyota Aygo.

Affected cars

All Peugeot 107s and Citroen C1s.

So now you know.

Digesting the news… then spewing it out in 60 words

Toyota announced a pedal reinforcing remedy to the 1.8million European cars it’s recalling for sticking accelerator pedals, Peugeot and Citroen confirmed they’re recalling C1s and 107s to fix the same problem and Honda recalled the Jazz from 2001-2008 to fix a dodgy electric window switch. Meanwhile, F1 cars were testing in Valencia, with Schumacher being quicker than his teammate Rosberg.

Because there isn’t any time for self-indulgent road-test guffiness, the Christmas holidays are perfect for testing a car. Instead of pondering steering feedback and other trivialities that most people don’t care about, there are countless opportunities to hear feedback from the real life humans who ride shotgun. So to find out if Peugeot’s 3008 is any good, we just listened to what its passengers said. Like a turkey chomping automotive focus group.

Normally, we’d start off by putting the 3008 in its Nissan Qashqai baiting crossover context. But we’re not going to. Our humans live too far from a Nissan dealer to bother with a Qashqai, and they don’t care what a crossover is. So, onto the all important first impression: ‘it’s massive’. Bugger. An enormous stumbling block, which leads to a very final sounding ‘I’d never be able to drive this’… before being immediately overruled by ‘actually it’s nice to be able to step in… especially at my age.’ Our 3008’s first passenger drives a Mini Cooper and thoroughly loves it – but, unlike in the Mini, she doesn’t need to squat to get into the 3008, so it’s immediately a better car. ‘I’d get used to the size, because I wouldn’t do my back in getting out of it’. Don’t think the Peugeot 3008 and Mini Cooper are rivals? Well, humans think otherwise. And the Peugeot wins.

The next passenger’s observation is a simple one: ‘oooh, it’s lovely’. Right. Admittedly, our £21k Exclusive model is frothing with spec, but the heads up display, sat nav and heated seats are irrelevant because ‘lovely’ actually translates to ‘soft without being sicky’. Clearly the human passenger is complimenting Peugeot’s chassis team on developing something called Dynamic Roll Control – a rear axle set-up where the rear dampers are basically linked, allowing them to be soft but still resist body roll. It’s only available on models with the most powerful of each petrol or diesel engine – but that still means you can have it fitted, as well as a panoramic roof, climate control and alloys, for less than £19k. Only plugging in a phone and making it play music through the car speakers is a bigger revelation.

The wide-eyed disbelief continues with a new passenger, who immediately switches off the heated seat because ‘if I wanted to feel like I’d pissed myself, I’d stay at home’:

‘It’s not a diesel. I can hardly hear it’.
‘It is… it’s got 250lb ft of torque and will theoretically do 50mpg so it’s not going to be a petrol.’
‘Don’t blind me with science, let me have a go.’
‘OK, you drive…’
‘…It’s got some go. What does it do 0-60mph in? About 10 seconds?’
‘Erm, yes actually. Now give me the keys back.’
‘No… let me go round these corners, then we’ll swap.’
‘Fine.’
‘Doesn’t feel wobbly, but the steering’s too light… suppose it’s for women though.’
‘Yes. It’s for women. Because their arms aren’t strong enough to steer a normal car.’
‘Exactly.’
‘I was sort of joking actually.’
‘About what?’
‘Never mind… pull over here.’

That’s the driving settled then; quick and quiet, taut but light. Spot on. But the next passenger doesn’t even need to get in to be won over – they’ve discovered the boot. ‘That’s bloody clever’. The back seats are flipped down using levers inside the 512-litre rear – a nice touch that avoids faffing with doors, latches and seatbelts. Next, the bottom half of the tailgate is ‘lowered like a castle’s drawbridge’. But that’s not the peak of the praise. Oh no. The boot floor is an adjustable shelf. The world is a different place. Gaping chasm? Check. Flat surface with the folded seats? Check. False floor to hide stuff under? Check. ‘Well, if only we’d had this when we had prams.’

Next to be slotted in are two half-size humans with attention spans even shorter than their sticky little fingers. Without a headrest mounted Wii or Disney back catalogue, the 3008 doesn’t immediately seem set up to keep kids amused – until you press the little lever in front of the handbrake. The whole of the sky is revealed, making anyone from Patrick Moore to little kids look up, shut up and become immediately impressed. ‘I can see the moon’. Five minutes of silence is won… before they bicker over whether it’s actually Mars. Roof closed, Miley Cyrus on. Pretty good stereo too.

Then, as quickly as they landed, the humans have gone. We’re back in sensible-headed review land, wondering if all the praise is justified. Is it time to explain how they’re naïve and too easily pleased?  Time to come across as condescending and superior? Well no. Because they’re completely right. Without giving a rat’s crack about what anybody else thinks, the real life humans have quite rightly discovered that the Peugeot 3008 is the smartest family car on sale. Most other cars have got one killer app to suck in buyers; a glass roof, cool tech, plush interior, nice ride, big boot or cracking engine – the 3008 has got all of them. You’d have to be inhuman not to like it.

Boom Boom Pow! Peugeot have finally come up with a 7 seater MPV to take on the likes of Zafira! 5008? It’s so 5,000 and late! The question on every contraceptionally-challenged person’s lips is this; is it better late than never or bettered by Picasso? Auto Exclamation finds out!

First things first – even the third row of seats are usable by humans with limbs! It’s an achievement! And they easily fold flat into the boot floor when your limb-heavy human friends are at home! Double achievement! Immediately there’s more space than the S-Max, Picasso or Zafira brethren! 5,000 and great!

And the rest of the cabin doesn’t inspire any 5,000 and hate either! In between the front seats is a cubby so big you could hide a baby in it! The chrome trinkets and neat clickability of the buttons are also something to 5,000 and rate – it’s got the quality of an interior that isn’t French! The only irritation that could 5,000 and grate is how the rakishly sloped dash can make some switches tricky to reach – it’s not a car for the short of arm!

On the black-top it’s smooth, light, accurate and bright – especially with the optional panoramic roof! Hurl it about with a lackadaisical regard for the kids and you’ll feel its 5,000 and weight, but it’s a nicer steer than a Picasso or Zafira, and not far off the S-Max! Engine power comes from 1.6 or 2.0 sizes of petrol or diesel; the diesel motors are £1,500 dearer than the petrols, but you’ll be glad about buying the extra torque with a van full of sprogs! We’d have the 150bhp HDi; 250lb ft, 0-62mph in 10 secs and 48.7mpg sounds good for a bus!

It’s time to talk readies! How much is on the 5,000 and slate? The cheapest needs just £16,895 to coax from the Pug man’s hands – but you’ll have plastic wheel trims and no panoramic roof! Don’t fret though! The roof is a £350 option for Sport spec and comes for free in top Exclusive trim – £21k will get you the best engine, Sport spec and big glass! It’s no more expensive than the rivals!

What to say to the original question then – is it better late than never or bettered by Picasso? We say it’s better late than never! The 5008 might not be the most punctual of the MPV class, but it’s certainly a fast learner with an interior that gets a gold star! If you’re a daddy in need of a baby caddy, you should canter down the Pug shop Boom Boom Now!

Who MiEV?

The Car of the Year 2010 gong has been handed to the VW Polo, sparking a raging debate over what’s less imaginative – the car, or the decision to give it victory. The little Volkswagen pipped the thoroughly interesting Toyota iQ into second place by 10 points, with many pundits claiming Toyota ‘was robbed’, and that the whole scenario is almost as unfair as Ireland not qualifying for the World Cup because of Thierry Henry’s hand ball. Obviously VW didn’t cheat (corruption and bribes have definitely never played a part in the judgement process), but they have got bloody lucky.

Closer inspection of the results shows that the Polo was voted the best car by 25 of the 59 judges, and received a total score of 347 against the iQ’s 24 win votes and 337 points. Here’s a run down of the total scores:

1. Volkswagen Polo 347 points

2. Toyota iQ 337 points

3. Vauxhall Astra 221 points

4. Skoda Yeti 158 points

5. Mercedes-Benz E-class 155 points

6. Peugeot 3008 144 points

7. Citroen C3 Picasso 113 points

Readers with unusual memories, or the ability to click here, will no doubt be keen to point out that the Citroen C3 Picasso which we expected to be fighting the iQ for the top spot actually came last. We’d still have voted iQ first and C3 Picasso first. So there.

It’s been destruction derby day at EuroNCAP, with the release of their latest crash test ratings – we see it as our duty to bring you what we learnt from today’s findings.

Well… we learnt that there need to be more stars.

Out of the 12 cars tested, only two didn’t receive the top 5 stars overall. The Mazda3, Infiniti FX, Citroen DS3, Mercedes GLK, Vauxhall Astra, Peugeot 5008, Mercedes E-Class, VW Scirocco, Chevrolet Cruze and BMW X1 all got the full quota.

The dunces were the Toyota Urban Cruiser with 3 stars and Chevrolet Spark with 4. In fairness, Toyota are having a stern word with EuroNCAP as they think there might be some discrepancies. The dropped marks come from a poor performance in the ‘pole side impact’ test.

Anyway, we know that what you really want is to see some crashes – so here’s the 5 star Mercedes E-Class and the 3 star Urban Cruiser… it’s like a morbid spot-the-difference.

If you’d like to see the full test results in a more thorough manner, then get clicking on these yellow words.

Digesting the news… then spewing it out in 60 words

Hyundai unveiled a facelifted Santa Fe SUV with a better engine, less enviro-poison and a lower price – starting at £21,495. Peugeot confirmed that they’ll join Citroen in releasing an electric Mitsubishi i-MiEV clone next year, which they’ll call the iOn. And a Spanish newspaper said that Schumacher won’t be advising Ferrari F1 next year. It was a slow news day.

Digesting the news… then spewing it out in 60 words

VW’s tactic of buying every car maker in the world finally paid off, as they officially overtook Toyota as the world’s largest manufacturer. Peugeot doubled the value of their last decent hot hatch, the 306 GTI-6, by announcing they’ll never make a GTI again. And Ariel ‘did a Lexus’ by pricing their new Atom V8 at £120k for Spring 2010.

The 7 finalists for the award that has been awarded the ‘most promoted award that bears no relevance to the buying public’ award were today announced. Because none of them are Italian, it’s very hard to predict a winner – a problem that isn’t helped by the COTY website’s description of each car, which appears to have been written as part of an English exam by a French schoolboy.

So, to better introduce the finalists, and help predict which car will win, on the sidewalls kindly offers its own translation and betting odds service:

Citroen C3 Picasso

COTY website: ‘The Picasso saga has been a success for Citroën since 1998, and the new model with a fresh style will likely continue it. The anticipation of the future C3 family is the entry offer in the Citroën line of MPVs with real capabilities for family use’.

Translation: The Picasso sold by the bucketload in 1998 because it was so bloody cheap, and even though this one’s more expensive, people in their 30s think it looks cool so it’ll probably do just as well. Other than that, it doesn’t do anything new… erm, oh, right… there’ll be a bigger one at some point.

on the sidewalls odds: 3/1

Mercedes-Benz E-Class

COTY website: ‘Even now, when M-Bs occupy every market niche, E-class keeps on being the backbone of its model line. The wide range comprises an elegant saloon, a sleek coupe and an estate with about the biggest cargo space in the market.’

Translation: Despite the fact that Mercedes now have almost as many models as there are letters in the alphabet, they still remembered to build a car for taxi drivers who don’t like the 5-Series. There’s a saloon, a coupe and an estate that might have the biggest boot in the class – but we haven’t checked yet.

on the sidewalls odds: 5/1

Vauxhall/Opel Astra

COTY website: ‘Mixing Insignia’s blades and wings styling theme in a different way, Opel has shaped an appealing, almost muscular, Astra. A 5-door car also much bigger, therefore heavier. There’s no much space gain in the cabin, yet the interior improves a lot in perceived quality, with layout and looks also similar to big brother.’

Translation: The Insignia won last year, and the Astra looks a bit like it – so it goes through. Despite it being bigger and heavier than the last one, there’s not actually that much more room inside… oh, hang on, that’s not a good thing is it? Erm, did we mention it looks similar to its big brother?

on the sidewalls odds: 4/1

Peugeot 3008

COTY website: ‘The 3008 is the most original Peugeot creature in years, mixing shapes and features usually related to hatchbacks and SUVs, as the tall seating or the split tailgate. Interior has functionality, but also lots of light with the panoramic roof, and a sporty cockpit that appeals drivers.’

Translation: The 3008 is a bit odd, but because it doesn’t immediately look like an SUV you don’t feel arrogant driving it. With a glass roof, posh interior and split tailgate, it manages to tick all the boxes while remaining slightly pointless.

on the sidewalls odds: 7/2

Skoda Yeti

COTY website: ‘Skoda had already used an AWD system with a Haldex clutch in its Octavia range. Fresh-looking Yeti takes the relay with a body style and a taller ride height more identified with the function of getting occasionally off tarmac, what can be satisfactorily accomplished.’

Translation: First things first – the technology under the silly name is old. But, it looks good in a rugged-utilitarian way and isn’t actually that bad when you get stuck in a boggy car boot sale.

on the sidewalls odds: 11/2

Toyota iQ

COTY website: ‘Toyota has solved an almost impossible equation of size, room, functionality and safety in the iQ, a city car not addressed to massive sales. It has done so by cleverly engineering tricks in transmission, steering and interior, with thin seat backs and a non-existent dashboard/glovebox in the front occupant side… and a record number of airbags.’

Translation: Toyota have created the world’s first four seater car that only three people can sit in – and then priced it so high that it’s not getting any sales. The technology behind it is far too clever to explain in a second language, so we’ll just put it down to magic tricks… although we do know it’s got an airbag across the back window which is pretty cool.

on the sidewalls odds: 3/1

Volkswagen Polo

COTY website: ‘You may say new Polo is just a scaled-down Golf. So what? The Volkswagen spirit of excellence is integrated into the structure and looks of this model that plays the role of not being as big as other cars in this segment.’

Translation: Even we’re not going to suggest that the styling isn’t anything other than a Golf photocopied on 75% scale. Pretty lazy we know, but it does feel bloody posh inside, it’ll probably outlast a cockroach and it doesn’t weigh 2 tonnes.

on the sidewalls odds: 5/1

So, there you go – time to make your mind up. In our humble opinion, it should be a toss up between the thoughtfully designed and very useful C3 Picasso or the staggeringly designed but actually-not-that-useful Toyota iQ. Which means the Peuegot 3008 will inevitably win.

The winner will be announced on November 30th. Place your bets… NOW.