And the award for ‘Most Gut-Wrenching Depreciation Suffered By An Early 2000s Sports Car’ goes to… the Mazda RX-8! Speech! Speech! Speeeeeech!

Oh, he’s gone to the bar for a top-up. The crazy bastard drinks like he’s at Shane McGowan’s wake.

Alcoholism aside (and partly thanks to the drink habit), the RX-8 thoroughly deserves its depreciation award. Because while £5,000 Honda S2000s and £6,000 Nissan 350Zs are wallet-twitchingly tempting, the Mazda RX-8’s value has dropped quicker than a D-lister’s knickers. You can now buy an RX-8 for LESS THAN £3,000. Why on earth wouldn’t you?

Well, inevitably, we’re back at fuel consumption. The RX-8’s fizzy Wankel engine might rev to the moon and give you the other-worldly thrill of not having pistons, but even driving sensibly on a middle-lane motorway run, you won’t break 30mpg – around town, you won’t even do 20. Even in Mazda’s own pictures, the RX-8 is barely a quarter full…

Its reputation for oil use is similarly deserved, although perhaps not as petrifying. As the oily bits of the engine aren’t separated from the exploding bits by piston rings or such rubber-sealy goodness, the oil gets burnt. It was all part of Mr Wankel’s design – and other than being annoying, is nothing to worry about. Check the level every-other time you fill up (so, quite often), and expect consumption of no more than 1 litre per 1,500 miles.

Anything else to be aware of? Well, yes. Mr Wankel’s rotary engine doesn’t like cold starts – the RX-8’s instruction manual even tells you to not switch off the engine unless it’s had time to reach temperature. While you’re all intelligent enough to follow this advice, previous owners may not have been – so cars with incredibly low mileage that never reached temperature aren’t necessarily good news. Make sure you ask the owner if they do lots of short trips.

At the other end of the spectrum, make sure the car starts when it’s warm – if it struggles, the problem could be anything from coil packs to spark plugs to a dodgy starter motor or low compression. Hot starting problem = not a good one.

But other than avoiding short journeys, tolerating the fuel consumption, checking the oil and making sure it starts when hot, the RX-8 handles and thrusts well enough to be a pleasure to own. If you can ignore the handbrake, which always looks like it needs adjusting and gets in the way when changing gear. Bloody RHD conversions.

Now you know the basics, you can choose between the 192 and 231bhp versions – and it’s not as simple as just going for the gruntier one. The 192bhp version actually has a smidge more torque (162lb ft versus 156) and a 5-speed gearbox to the pokier version’s 6-speed, giving it a slightly longer legged gait. It’s best to ignore the power and just buy on condition, history and the geeky enthusiasm of the owner.

So. The RX-8 does demand more of you than a barrel chested 350Z or ballet loving S2000, but handles just as well and costs over £2,000 less. It’s got to be the sportscar bargain of the year – and just think how many Nectar points you’ll get from your local BP.

Can you imagine having nearly £40,000 to spend on a brand new car? It’d be like waking up with two willies. Some of the finest cars on sale vying for your attention, luring you in with their glowing reviews. Porsche Boxster, BMW 525d Touring, Land Rover Discovery 4… the list of class leading stunners could coax up a chubby.

And for the same price, you could buy the updated Nissan Murano.

So, what does it do to tempt that £40,000 from your lucky-git fingers? Well, erm… I was always told that if I haven’t got anything nice to say I shouldn’t say anything at all. So here’s a picture.

As I haven’t got anything nice to say about the ride, handling, styling or performance, I won’t talk about them. Certainly won’t mention the steering. And I can’t really discuss the qualities of the new 2.5 turbodiesel engine either – because struggling to do 30mpg is only a nice thing when compared to the V6 petrol Murano… which struggled to do 20.

I can, however, comment on the high equipment levels, including side and rear parking cameras, a good sat nav, Bluetooth and heated seats. Probably shouldn’t go into how the driver’s seat looks and feels like a dentist’s chair though.  Can’t mention the rest of the interior either. Especially not the plastic around the lever of the standard 6-speed auto-box. Or the brightness controls for the dials. Or the electric mirror switches.

In fact, the nicest thing I can say about the Murano is how it should make us feel very lucky. The big Nissan isn’t dangerous or even anything worse than mediocre in every way – yet it’s about as wide of the mark as brand new cars get. So thanks, Murano. Thanks for reminding us just how excellent every other car on sale is.

Spent some time in the brand new ‘global’ Micra recently – a car Nissan will sell in 160 countries across the world. In place of a traditional road test, may we introduce the second in our fledgling series of ‘Review… in a Limerick’.

The global Micra won’t make you giddy

And its styling won’t please the kiddies

But with soft springs, space and kit

It’s not completely shit

Suppose it’ll do for old biddies

Don’t quite understand why ‘global’ means ‘bland’, especially when the excellent Fiesta is equally global but incredibly enjoyable. You do get a thorough splat of equipment, but the nobs and blueteeth are just distractions that keep the price frighteningly close to the Ford’s – we reckon it’d make more sense with fewer gadgets and a cheap as chips, Lidl-spec price tag.

Geek Table

Price: £9,250 – £12,350
Engine: 1.2l 3-cylinder
Power: 79bhp @ 6,000rpm
Torque: 81lb ft @ 4,000rpm
Combined mpg (claimed): 56.5
CO2 emissions (claimed): 115
0-62mph: 13.7 secs
Top speed: 106mph

Greatest Hits albums are generally tragic affairs. Bought as presents by clueless Aunties, they’re compiled by record labels in a bid to scrape cash from artists who can’t be arsed to write anything new. Or are dead. Tacky, unimaginative and cynical… you’d never be daft enough to buy one yourself.

So the fact that the Juke is styled as some kind of compilation is a worry. Yes, first impressions are that it’s a totally original, barking mad mentalist with lines that are as challengingly cock-eyed as Natalie Cassidy’s face… but look closer.

It’s just a Greatest Hits album. A 370Z’s rear lights. A Qashqai’s chunkiness. A Murano’s techo-oddness. The top spec Juke even has GT-R DNA in its torque vectoring 4×4 system. As excellent as the ingredients are, they’re not new. It may as well be called ‘Nissan’s Best: The 21st Century So Far…’

So. Does that mean it’ll just be bought as a present by your Auntie? And does it just warrant the response ‘I’m sure it’s great… but I’d prefer some new songs actually.’? No. Because thanks to some weird aesthetic alchemy, the Juke is the first ever Greatest Hits that feels box fresh.

Dynamically, the Juke pulls off a smart trick – ‘semi-command’ loftiness without too much wobble and thunk. The way it mixes ride height, agility and comfort is no revolution, and it can’t match the exquisitely damped balance of the lower-down Ford Fiesta, but it still feels fresh under your bum. Different, fun and good.

It’s tidy inside too. While the Juke doesn’t have door cards made of natural sponge or seats trimmed with albino bison leather, the flashes of colour and motorbike-petrol tank style transmission tunnel make it look like something new instead of a Nissan ‘Best Of’ re-hash.

The Juke even does tedious things like making sense as an affordable, practical car. Costing from £13k to £20k, it’s well priced to take on alternative superminis like the Mini, Citroen DS3 and Audi A1. And as the Juke’s basic shape is just a square box, it’s actually more spacious to sit in than any of them.

Despite no single part of it being revolutionary, the Juke still feels sparkly and exciting. So while its Audi A1 rivalling price lumps it into the ‘premium supermini’ class of cars that are posher but objectively no better than a Fiesta, its actually unpretentious enough to cut a dash all of its own.

Nissan have made something very unusual – a greatest hits album you actually want to buy.

Nissan have announced prices for their brilliantly gawky Sonia Jackson look-a-like, the Juke. And while the looks split opinion like Cassidy splits mirrors, we want one even more than we did before. The range starts at a Fiesta scaring £12,795, which gets you a 1.6 petrol engine, 16″ alloys and air con alongside the bag-of-smashed-crabs face.

The model your brain will tell you to want is the middling £15,145 1.5 dCi Acenta, where you get climate control, Bluetooth, a USB hole and 17″ rims. The model your heart will want is the top of the range, £19,995 190hp turbocharged 1.6 with four wheel drive. Best compromise is probably the turbo charged engine in 2WD form, which costs from £15,595. Less than £16k for a mad looking, British built odd-box with 190hp? Yes please.

Reasons for not buying a Juke are the excellent Skoda Yeti – a touch pricey and bland by comparison, and the agile Fiesta – on the nose for price, but smaller. So, while the face may have a whiff of sausagemeat Cassidy to it, we reckon it’s an interesting, good value, decently equipped wedge of geometric spunkiness. Nissan will take deposits from June, with deliveries starting in September. Like.

Boiled Sweets

Digesting the news… then spewing it out in 60 words

BMW announced their subtle new 5 Series Touring will go on sale in September, from £30,380. Fiat revealed their saccharine 500C Pink, which will set exhibitionists back £13,500. Nissan slipped a 187bhp, 2.5 litre turbocharged diesel into their quietly desirable Murano crossover. And Kia released more pictures of their handsomely tiger-faced, Mondeo-rivalling Magentis, which comes to the UK in 2011.

Digesting the news… then spewing it out in 60 words

The sale of Volvo to Chinese company Geely nudged towards completion, with Geely securing the £1.4bn loan it needs to pay Ford. Porsche boss Michael Macht told Autocar that they’re fully committed to producing the 718bhp, twin electric motored and V8 engined 918 Spyder, which is good. And Nissan said that producing the Juke at Sunderland will save 1,000 jobs.

MISS – Nissan Micra

As frog faced and squidgy looking as the current Micra is, and as much as that might have scared away some core grannies, surely the Nissan Micra should look more interesting than this?

HIT – Skoda Fabia vRS

There’s something unpretentiously desirable about a quick Skoda – especially when it’s running the same 177bhp twincharger engine as the excellent Ibiza Cupra. There’s even going to be an estate version of this £16k hot hatch.

MISS – Alfa Romeo Giulietta

A lot of people were making inappropriate sexual noises as they walked passed Alfa’s new Focus rival – we can only assume it was because of the models. Promises of Golf rivalling quality aside, we think the Giulietta looks a bit awkard. Like a pigeon with piles.

HIT – Vauxhall Meriva

Now based on the Zafira, the Meriva has gone posh with a smart interior and trick suicide doors. Gimmick or not, Rolls Royce style entry apertures are what car buying humans like to show off to their mates – it’s a smart move.

MISS – Every Porsche Panamera There

So many naff tuning firms decided to further butcher the Porsche Pigs Ear it actually got a bit funny. A personal favourite was the hilariously named ‘Fab Design’ who accidentally shat all sorts of glass fibre pebble dashed mess all over the place.

HIT – Mini Countryman

There. We’ve said it. The Mini Countryman wasn’t that bad in the flesh – not perfect, but not an complete face disgrace. In real life it looked quite muscular and chunky, and, as you’ll note by the amazing photo below – there’s room for a human with knees in the back.

Knees, fitting in behind our own 6ft driving position. Never seen before in a Mini.

Geneva 2010 was a cracking show for actual cars that human people will soon be driving in the real world. So good in fact, that we’ve had to make a list just so you can take it all in. We’ve supplemented our shitty iPhone snaps with press pics to help you see too.

Nissan Juke

Yeah yeah, it’s just a small crossover… but look at it. The Juke is proper mental. Nissan have already proved their ability to judge what people want to buy when they released the Qashqai – it appealed to everyone from Focus to 4×4 to Mondeo buyers.

The Juke is going to slot under the Qashqai when it goes on sale in October at around £13k. And don’t forget that these days, that’s the price of a mid-spec Fiesta or Polo, so there’s every chance that the Juke could ‘do a Qashqai’ to the supermini market. Seeing as it’s being built in Sunderland by the good men of the North, hopefully it’ll do well.

Citroen DS3 Racing

All of Citroen’s new cars were actually bloody interesting – but amongst the fictional concepts, the DS3 Racing was the quiet star. When was the last time Citroen made a car that made you want to drive it? We can’t remember either.

Despite the fact they’ve been building up a cracking rally reputation for a good few years, Citroen have taken a while to cash in on it – which is what the DS3 Racing comes in, being tweaked by the same chaps that build Loeb’s company car. It’s got a 200bhp 1.6 Turbo, wider track, stiffened and lowered suspension and twiddled ECU to make it quick… probably quick enough to hit 60mph in less than 7 seconds.

It’ll go on sale in the summer, and Citroen man didn’t disagree when we suggested it would cost just shy of £20k. Citroen man also told us that because only 1,000 will be made, the DS3R might not be available with the level of customisation found on the standard car – if they’re all grey and orange with the wheels of the show car, that won’t be a bad thing. It’s not just the Audi A1 that’s going to bother the Mini Cooper S.

Aston Martin Cygnet

In a radical move of assertion, we asked a man at Aston Martin if they were actually going to build the Toyota iQ based luxury city car – the man said ‘we are intending to produce the Cygnet before the end of the year’. He also commented how the chassis of the iQ will remain 100% intact as the Toyota becomes an Aston, without even changes to bushes, dampers or spring rates. The Aston Martin Cygnet will drive exactly like a Toyota iQ. Gosh

Prices are speculative at the moment, but Aston Martin didn’t dismiss us when we said we’d heard they’d start at £30k – Aston man also said it was more than likely that the car would initially be sold to current customers, with the aim to put it on general sale.

The interior of the show car wasn’t anywhere near to production finish, but the architecture and style reflected how the final car will look – and, to be honest, wasn’t impressive. While the outside of the car at least has a nod towards an Aston face with token styling cues, the architecture of the iQ interior remains – which simply doesn’t feel like enough effort to justify the extra cost over the Toyota. Final judgement has to wait until we’ve all seen a final car, but we’re more worried than ever that the Cygnet could really tarnish Aston’s good name.

Audi A1

Swiss motoring journalists couldn’t get enough of the little Audi, which shows just how subtly mature the well resolved styling is. It looks even smarter and well proportioned in the flesh with a stocky stance and beautiful headlight jewellery. Bizarrely, we stood staring at the A1 for longer than we did the Pagani Cinque Roadster.

We’ve always had a worry that the A1’s smart exterior could be let down by a less impressive, built to a price interior – but if the show car’s anything to go by, that won’t be a problem. While some of the materials and buttons weren’t quite as intricately damped as those in a bigger, pricier Audi it still had more than enough quality and tactility to make the starting price of £13k seem like ruddy good value.

Options will be key though – the daytime running lights, swooping roof line and smart wheels all need paying extra for, or the A1 will look drab and be worth nothing come resale. Bloody hell, what sensible advice. Goes on sale this Autumn.

Ford Focus

This could be the world’s biggest selling car when it goes on sale in the US, China and Europe next year. It’s fairly important. The styling of the outside was still raising eyebrows, with smart details like the triangular front grilles and funky fuel filler flap looking good, but perhaps one too many creases down the side and awkward rear lights. Shouldn’t every Focus ever have upright rear lights?

The interior is a much happier place – smart and premium looking, as well as being a lot more interesting than the current car. There were some rough edges on the pre-production show car, but the smart centre joystick and climate/radio layout already felt familiar and ergonomically sound. Nice leather dash top with bright yellow stitching all over too.

Perhaps more interestingly than the interior is the fact that Ford man told us that the next hot Focus, which won’t necessarily be called the RS, won’t come with a 5 cylinder engine as the current RS engine isn’t Euro V compliant so will be dropped. It was more than hinted that the top hot 2011 Focus would be running a 2.0 litre turbocharged four cylinder engine – perhaps a tuned version of the new car’s new Ecoboost motor. They’re already claiming that the new Focus is a sportier drive than any previous model, and that it’ll be even more of a revelation than the current Fiesta is. Which is good.

A little while ago, we had the pleasure of driving about and reviewing a UK spec Nissan Cube – we quite liked it. By utter fluke, some chap with specs seems to have got hold of the same car and made a video of it. You can watch it here:

Following on from the teaser image they released a few months ago, Nissan have now parped out more info and pics of their new Juke crossover. And it looks completely fucking mental. Gloriously ugly; a genetically modified cross between a Skoda Yeti and a Nissan Murano that’s being viewed through a prism. It’s no beauty, but it’s got the type of brutality and individuality we reckon will work on the street, and appeal to the youthfully trendy men Nissan are aiming for. Anyway, enough subjectivity – on with the fact spew.

Sir Juke will go on sale in October, slotting in under the all-conquering Qashqai in size and cost. No prices have been announced yet, but reckon on an opening gambit of around £13k. Beneath the mental face is a widened, lengthened version of the Micra platform which is available as either a two- or, if you go for the most powerful engine, four-wheel drive.

This top motor is a new 187bhp direct injection 1.6 petrol turbo, which Nissan say offers all the grunt and response of a naturally aspirated 2.5 litre. Beneath that is a naturally aspirated, 115bhp 1.6 petrol and Nissan’s familiar 1.5dCi diesel with 108bhp and 177lb ft of torque. Performance and economy figures haven’t been announced, but expect the 1.6 turbo petrol to be fast and not very economical, with the 1.5dCi being the exact opposite.

The 4wd version is fitted with a trick torque vectoring system that, like in a BMW X6, can shift power left or right across the rear axle as well as forward and back between front and rear – Nissan claim this will reduce understeer. A multi-link rear suspension is also fitted to the 4wd models, instead of the torsion beams on the 2wd drive cars… seems a shame that only the most powerful engine is available with this chassis really.

Three spec levels will be available – the usual Nissan lines of Visia, Acenta and Tekna. Optional kit will include a reversing camera, illuminated door sills and ‘Nissan Dynamic Control System’ which lets the driver fiddle with the car’s dynamic settings as well as boring stuff like the heater and lights. Whether it’s a stunner or a munter is up to you, but if Nissan do price the Juke lower than the Qashqai or Skoda Yeti, you better get used to seeing it around. And because it’s built in Britain you can’t say anything bad about it – or Alistair Darling will kneecap you. You’ve been warned.

Digesting the news… then spewing it out in 60 words

Today, many cars were revealed. Nissan thrust their striking Yeti rivalling crossover upon us. VW showed off the new Touareg – now with a 34mpg, 375bhp hybrid that can run on just electricity. Kia bandied around their plug-in hybrid Ray concept, which hints at what a Kia Prius rival would be like. And Audi unveiled official pics of their new A1.

Analogue clocks are generally a sign of good taste, subtle style and nuanced craftsmanship. They grace some of the best interiors in the world, from Bentley to Rolls Royce to Range Rover. Even the VW Phaeton, one of the most carefully considered cars ever made, has one. So to find one in what is essentially a Nissan made for Americans is a bit of a shock. It’s not just a clock – it’s a statement of classy intent.

Because while Infiniti are owned by Nissan, and while they have been making cars for Americans for years, they’re now intent on making us tasteful Brits take them seriously. Everything from the dealer network to the chassis has been specially prepared for us; walk into an Infiniti shop and you won’t get heckled by a thug in a nylon suit, you’ll be offered your own ‘account manager’ who will see you through sale and aftersale for the entire time you own the car. But is their EX37 worthy of the analogue clock?

Moving from the clock outwards, it starts well. The interior sees soft leather meet sharp technology – a bird’s eye view 360º camera system, adaptive cruise control and decent touch screen sat nav are bedded into the European standard materials. Wearing brown and black together might break Trinny and Susannah’s rules but it doesn’t creak, is ergonomically sound and feels tightly glued together. The ambience is in keeping with the timepiece.

And, thanks to the engine, so is the drive. Until a Nissan/Renault V6 diesel is offered later this year, the only motor you can have is the 3.7 litre V6 petrol from the 370Z, which in the EX37 thrusts out 316bhp. You’ll rarely get more than 20mpg from it, but the brawny noise and neck-bothering force it generates maintains the impression of class. Comparing it to its Roller and Bentley clock-mates is obviously daft, but there’s at least a trace of similarity in the way the EX37 is defined by its engine – smooth, strong, linear… and seeing as it hits 62mph in 6.4 seconds, it’s certainly not running slow.

The only aspect of the Infiniti’s mechanism that isn’t precisely metronomic is the ride – a hefty 1900kg kerb weight obviously needs a firm set of springs to keep in check. Roll control and turn in are decent, and grip from the 4wd with rear LSD is excellent… but you can feel the engineering compromise in the way it jolts across bumps. The ride quality is definitely more harsh LED than subdued analogue.

Steer around the potholes though, and the impression of a plush, grunty and refined carriage remains. At £37k, cars like the £10k cheaper Mazda CX-7 and more spacious, similarly priced VW Touareg offer better value, especially with diesel engines up front – but the Infiniti makes them look stark and dull. So while it might not make perfect financial sense, the EX37 is at least worthy of the posh clock.

Digesting the news… then spewing it out in 60 words

The Autosport International Show started, with the unveiling of various new or revised road/race cars – a Lotus Evora GT4 racer, Porsche GT3 R and Ginetta G40 being the most interesting. Kimi Raikkonen drove his C4 WRC car for the first time. And Nissan announced its 370Z Roadster will cost an unbelievably tempting £29,900 when it goes on sale in March.

You’ve already made your mind up. The Nissan Cube is either a look-at-me narcissist with a Smeg fridge and Gok Wan glasses, or a sharp piece of automotive art with a Manga comic in its back pocket. What it’s like to drive and live with doesn’t come into it. We need say no more.

That’s no exaggeration either – people’s opinions of the Cube make their attitude towards Marmite seem wishy washy. They’re either scathing of the style – ‘it’s like that shit new Beetle… it’ll be cool for a week, then you’ll feel like you’re driving about in a shell suit’ or gushing – ‘can you actually buy one? It’s awesome’. But Nissan aren’t worried by the knee-jerk reaction to the Cube’s looks – they’re happy to sell just 2,000 a year, pleased to be offering such a talked about rarity. Which in a way is a shame, because it’s just as interesting as it looks…

While shag pile dashboards, mood lighting and a whole array of colour options are all available, our Cube’s simple black womb is as much of a functional pleasure as the outside is a cosmetic one. Masses of headroom, loads of light, plenty of cubby space, and driving controls that work with all the syrupy sweetness of the nicest Japanese superminis. The seats deserve special mention: covered in the type of material pyjamas are made of, they’re as soft and springy as a nursing home chair. No form over function – just comfy common sense.

Happily, this is maintained when you drive it. The word bouncy is rarely used to positively describe a car’s suspension, but it can be with the Cube – it rides with the comfort and comedy of a 2CV, but with a much greater sense of safety and stability. There’s a fair amount of body roll, it swims around on motorways and hates crosswinds but in its natural city habitat it makes perfect sense. A car that rides better at low speeds? Told you it was just as interesting as it looks.

Some of the design-led touches initially seem to threaten the Cube’s pursuit of substance over style – but it doesn’t take long for you to come round to its ways. You expect the side opening boot, for example, to be a massive pain when you’ve parked up against a wall. But it’s not. Stand at the side of the car, open it as far as space allows and reach in – no reaching under a partially open lid or being decapitated, just alternative simplicity. For £15,100, it’s also well equipped with cruise and climate control, touch screen sat nav and a reversing camera. You can opt for the base model for £1,100 less, but you sacrifice all the snazzy kit that makes it feel complete, so don’t.

But it’s still the Cube’s funny face that will make or break a sale. This defining feature is its only downfall – the only stylistic decision that doesn’t make it easier to live with than a normal car. But, you get the impression it doesn’t care. The Cube is comfortable in it’s little artistic paradox: softening the look to get more sales would be selling out – a Banksy in a gallery. It might have the quality to go mainstream, but the Cube is happy on the fringe.

The Juke is Nissan’s new crossover, which will go on sale in the UK this Autumn. It’s smaller than the all-conquering, half-million selling Qashqai, and will built at Nissan’s Sunderland factory. Until the official unveiling at the Geneva motor show in March, we’ve just got this teaser pic:

No engine or price details have been released, but it doesn’t take much guesswork to suggest the biggest seller will come with a 1.5dCi engine and cost about as much as a Skoda Yeti – £15k. The Yeti should be shivering with fear…

Hoxton Fin

Digesting the news… then spewing it out in 60 words

Aston Martin revealed that their Panamera-embarassing Rapide four-door will cost £139,950 when it goes on sale in March 2010. Nissan’s Cube pricing was also announced – starting from £14,000 when it hits shelves in January. And in motorsport, Raikkonen signed up as a 2010 Citroen WRC driver, while Renault’s F1 carcass was fought over by Prodrive and some bankers from Luxembourg.

Digesting the news… then spewing it out in 60 words

Mitsubishi revealed their brand new RVR crossover, which will go on sale in summer 2010. Audi chairman Rupert Stadler confirmed that the R8 shaped electric e-tron will go on sale (at least in some form) in 2012, hopefully still with 3319lb ft of torque. And Nissan confirmed a hardcore V-Spec GT-R will come to Europe… but only 40 of them.