Abercrombie Prick

Let’s start off with a simple fact: the Citroen DS4 is NOT a pick-up truck. It’d be crap at taking rubble to the tip, it doesn’t lumber on leaf springs and people won’t think you’ve got a tattoo of a bear on your chest if you drive it. What it is though, is almost every other type of car in existence.

A hot hatch for starters. Quite a good one actually. Fitted with the same 200bhp petrol engine that nestles behind the recently-caught-trout-face of the Peugeot RCZ, the DS4 can parp and charge with all the passion of a violently farty bullock. It’ll rattle off the 0-62 run in less than 8 seconds and keep the needle nudging clockwise to 146mph.

Quite bafflingly, and despite its parpiness, the DS4 is also a crossover. The driving position is described by the vaguely pornographic term of ‘semi-command’ – meaning while you can’t see over other cars, you are just about high enough to implement a condescending stare. The ride height too, which is the car’s least convincing symptom of being a jack of all trades, makes the car look rufty tufty rather than lanky.

Yet, despite the wheel arch gaps, it’s also a surprisingly spikey coupe. The suspension is stiffer and sharper than the Arran-sweater wearing C4 on which it’s based, resulting in a little victory over the supposed effects of a high centre of gravity.

It changes direction well, grips like a leech on a fatty and possesses that rarest of qualities in a modern car – steering feel. The electro-hydraulic steering (instead of purely electric) and racy Michelin Pilot Sport tyres deserve thanks for this. Subtle rubbery granules pulsing through the palms… what a treat.

We’re not quite finished yet – the DS4 is a sensible hatchback too. When it goes on sale in Autumn 2011, the cheapest model will cost around £18,000 and be fitted with a 1.6HDi engine capable of 60mpg while emitting 122g/km of CO2. Spec the clicky flap EGS gearbox and the figures improve to 64mpg with 114g/km. And the 385 litre boot is actually slightly bigger than the supposedly more sensible C4’s. Ooooh.

Did we mention the interior has an authentic touch of luxury car about it? Well it has.

Of course, this melee of contradictory goodness has led to some less welcome quirks. For a starter, it’s the only five-door hatch we know where the rear windows don’t open. Citroen’s spin wizard quite nonchalantly explained that ‘it’s because the DS4 is a coupe and coupe’s don’t have opening rear windows do they?’. Err, it’s a hatchback and a lot of coupes do have hinged rear windows actually.

Secondly, the gap betwixt wheel and wheel arch looks daft. But that’s about it. The DS4 really has nailed the fast/fun/frugal/stylish/sporty/spacious/different/not too bloody weird combo incredibly well. Makes a Countryman look… well, like the first syllable of its name.

We started with a fact, so we’ll end with another: the Citroen DS4 is the least compromising compromise in motoring. And we like it a lot.

Spent some time in a Fiat 500 TwinAir a few weeks ago. Mainly because of the rorty thrump of its two cylinder engine, I really enjoyed it. Was going to write a standard review of it, but because there are far too many incredibly similar such things in the world, I’m not going to. Here’s a limerick:

The fruity new TwinAir has got

An engine with only two pots

It’s supposed to achieve

69mpg

But 40 is all that I got

It’s the most charismatic 500 engine, but not the most economical. And just in case you don’t think that limericks are the future of automotive reportage, here are some reassuring facts:

Price: from £10,665
Engine: 875cc 2-cylinder turbo
Power: 85bhp at 5,500rpm
Torque: 107lb/ft at 1,900rpm
Claimed fuel economy: 68.9mpg combined
Achieved fuel economy: 39.2 mpg
Emissions: 95g/km (claimed)
0-62mph: 11 secs
Top speed: 108mph

Quite like limerick car reviews actually. Maybe I’ll do it again.

It’s the time of year when the world’s men-folk indulge in one of their Top 5 Favourite Activities – making and reading lists. So as a Christmas present to you loyal reader(s), we’re going to write a list all of our own. Lady and Man, we present The Top Five Cars We’ve Driven in 2010.

5. Mitsubishi Evo X FQ400

When we bagged the keys to Mitsubishi’s window-licking hyper-saloon, we were immediately stunned. This wasn’t just a creaky jap-box being kept alive with a huge iron lung of a turbo, but an incredibly well set-up and easy to drive weapon. Even in the hands of ham-fisted amateurs like ourselves, it danced, whooshed, raced and destroyed. Simultaneously flattering and brutal.

Yes it looks daft, has a tacky interior, costs £50k and won’t do 20mpg – but that’s why it’s only at number 5. For being brilliant as well as preposterous, the Fahk-You-400 makes the list.
Read our original review here.

4. Citroen DS3

Not long ago, Citroen showrooms resembled branches of Lidl – cheap stock piled high to shift quick. To mums and dads after a bargain C4 Picasso, it was great. But everybody else wanted to shop in Waitrose. Which is where the DS3 came in.

Suddenly, Citroen had a posh little car that was genuinely desirable instead of apologetically affordable. The styling was sharp and different, the engines were consistently strong and even the chassis could flick its skirt like a saucy French maid. To our senses, it doesn’t quite match the dynamic ability of a Mini… but in every other respect, it’s better. One of very few new cars we’d actually buy with real-life monies.

Read our original review here.

3. Skoda Superb Estate

The car that took Skoda from plucky underdog to class-leader. While the previous Superb never quite had the gumption to live up to its name, this one wears it with pride. You know the bullied kid at school who goes away for a year, comes back buff and kicks the giblets out of everyone? That’s the Superb. Only it’s far less angry.

Priced from less than £18k, you get the second biggest boot of any estate car in the UK (only beaten by the Merc E-Class), a faultless interior, the best of VW’s current engines and more rear leg-room than anything this side of a Rolls Phantom. It ticks boxes that don’t even exist. There’s even a brolly in the door.
Read our original review here.

2. Honda CR-Z

Shock! ‘The World’s First Sporty Hybrid’© actually is! But strangely, most of its endearing features have little to do with the combination of electricity and combustion under its skin. What stands out for us is the design and engineering that have gone into making it fun to drive.

A snicky six speed manual gearbox. A rorty-on-request exhaust note. Beautifully judged spring and damper settings. A sci-fi-tastic digital hub of a dashboard. Grip and balance that are tweakable on the road. An 80s wedge shape that also nods to the obligatory eco-car steam iron aesthetic. A super-strong chassis with the torsional rigidity of a Civic Type-R. The CR-Z is an incredibly well resolved little car. That it’s cheaper than a Scirocco, C-Charge exempt, costs peanuts to tax and is as economical as a stodgy diesel is a bonus.
Read our original review here.

1. Ford Focus RS500

By far the most memorable car we’ve driven this year, and not just because we drove 800 miles in 24 hours. It’s impossible to imagine how the RS500 shovels on speed until you’ve driven one – we’d swear that only an M3 or 911 Carrera upwards would be able pull away. Extra brownie points are awarded for its ability to achieve such fierce levels of acceleration while maintaining the standard RS’s gloriously granular steering and sweetly weighted controls.

The RS500 is a heart-on-the-sleeve working class hero… it’s carrying a bunch of flowers while beating someone up with beer barrel biceps. How Ford made a £35,000, FWD, 345bhp hatchback quite so appealing is a mystery. But they have.

And there’s a bigger reason to pay respect too. The RS500 marks the end of an era for all the gloriously kinky cars that are being killed because they don’t meet the Euro V emissions regulations: Mazda RX-8, Honda Civic Type-R, VW V10 TDI Touareg and Alfa Romeo 3.2 V6 – it’s a swan song for all of them. Instead of seeming like an over-specced Essex spacker-hatch designed to make some chavs have a wank, it feels like a little chunk of automotive history. It’s etched into our minds… there’s just something about it that gives it an air of importance. A moment in time.

So while Ford could have given the bonkers Focus RS a bolt-gun to the head and packed it off quietly, they didn’t. They made it more powerful, more expensive and more memorable – and that’s why it’s top of the list. Respeck.

Read our original review here.

Greatest Hits albums are generally tragic affairs. Bought as presents by clueless Aunties, they’re compiled by record labels in a bid to scrape cash from artists who can’t be arsed to write anything new. Or are dead. Tacky, unimaginative and cynical… you’d never be daft enough to buy one yourself.

So the fact that the Juke is styled as some kind of compilation is a worry. Yes, first impressions are that it’s a totally original, barking mad mentalist with lines that are as challengingly cock-eyed as Natalie Cassidy’s face… but look closer.

It’s just a Greatest Hits album. A 370Z’s rear lights. A Qashqai’s chunkiness. A Murano’s techo-oddness. The top spec Juke even has GT-R DNA in its torque vectoring 4×4 system. As excellent as the ingredients are, they’re not new. It may as well be called ‘Nissan’s Best: The 21st Century So Far…’

So. Does that mean it’ll just be bought as a present by your Auntie? And does it just warrant the response ‘I’m sure it’s great… but I’d prefer some new songs actually.’? No. Because thanks to some weird aesthetic alchemy, the Juke is the first ever Greatest Hits that feels box fresh.

Dynamically, the Juke pulls off a smart trick – ‘semi-command’ loftiness without too much wobble and thunk. The way it mixes ride height, agility and comfort is no revolution, and it can’t match the exquisitely damped balance of the lower-down Ford Fiesta, but it still feels fresh under your bum. Different, fun and good.

It’s tidy inside too. While the Juke doesn’t have door cards made of natural sponge or seats trimmed with albino bison leather, the flashes of colour and motorbike-petrol tank style transmission tunnel make it look like something new instead of a Nissan ‘Best Of’ re-hash.

The Juke even does tedious things like making sense as an affordable, practical car. Costing from £13k to £20k, it’s well priced to take on alternative superminis like the Mini, Citroen DS3 and Audi A1. And as the Juke’s basic shape is just a square box, it’s actually more spacious to sit in than any of them.

Despite no single part of it being revolutionary, the Juke still feels sparkly and exciting. So while its Audi A1 rivalling price lumps it into the ‘premium supermini’ class of cars that are posher but objectively no better than a Fiesta, its actually unpretentious enough to cut a dash all of its own.

Nissan have made something very unusual – a greatest hits album you actually want to buy.

No. We’re not being drawn into it. The words ‘heritage’, ‘brand’ and ‘sacrilege’ are simply not allowed. Nor the phrase ‘Issigonis would be spinning in his grave’. That’s banned. This is just a car, and shall be judged as just that. Your eyes can decide how it looks, while your focus groups and deep rooted fear of change can decide whether or not it really is a Mini at all. We’ll just talk about the fact that it’s not very good.

The most striking area of ungoodness is its interior. With Mini pushing the Countryman’s apparent practicality and versatility, it’s not unreasonable to expect a re-think of the normal Mini’s fiddly controls. Nothing major, just some chunkier nobs better suited to snowboarders in gloves. But no. What do we get? An interface that’s controlled by a tiny dog’s dick.

Heated rear window buttons smaller than a cat’s nostril. Toggle switches that are even further recessed behind their shiny cowls than normal. Daft. Not even that pretty either.

So that’s a shame. The space in the back goes some way to making up for it, but only in comparison to a normal Mini. Next to a Skoda Yeti or Ford Kuga it’s average.

Perhaps more surprising is that the ungoodness continues when you drive it. Our car is a top spec Cooper S All4, which comes with four wheel drive and – quite interestingly – ‘Sports Suspension’. Here are the facts on that: the Countryman’s ride height is 10mm higher than a normal Mini, but the Sports Suspension lowers it again… by 10mm. Now, I only got a D in A level maths, but I’m pretty sure that means Cooper S Countrymen have the exact same ride height as a normal Mini. So all the downsides of a taller body and higher centre gravity without any extra ground clearance. Hilarious.

With Cooper S trim, you also get 19” wheels – which to be honest look great, but do emphasise the Countryman’s granite edged but cumbersome gait. Not only is the ride hard, it also feels loosely bushed and clonky – potholes ricochet through the cabin as if its bonking up to the bump stops, while the body seems to casually lumber without much control. The electric power steering’s been tuned to keep the dartiness of a normal Mini, but with the extra inertia of a taller body lolloping around, this actually emphasises the Countryman’s lack of real agility.

The engines are the same as in the normal Mini, and therefore excellent – but with an extra 200kg to accelerate, a Countryman needs about a second longer to hit 62mph. The extra weight dulls the fuel economy too, with a Cooper D quoted at 64.2mpg and a Cooper S 46.3mpg. Adding the £1500 option of 4×4 drops the figures by another 10%. And that’s after you’ve paid £3,000 over the standard car. Expensive business, this leg room malarkey.

Upsettingly, there are other niggles that crystallise the Countryman as a bit of a disappointment. If you choose the free option of two separate rear seats instead of a three-wide bench, there’s a smart looking centre rail with moveable storage bins – but their mounting points snap off in your hand.

The optional Harman/Kardon stereo has expensive looking metal tweeters – but the bass is so ponderous and heavy, even when turned down to minimum, that it sounds terrible. The gearchange is short and light – but nobbly and baulky. The brake pedal is nicely weighted – but the clutch is snatchy. The sun visors don’t actually reach the edge of the windscreen. BMW usually engineer simple things like these better than anyone else, but the Countryman just isn’t right. As a premium priced car, it should feel like a perfect jewel in your hands – but it doesn’t.

So, stop worrying about Mini designing themselves into a ditch. Stop looking at the Countryman like it was drawn up in a hall of mirrors. Stop considering its role in the evolution of the Mini brand. The massive Mini shouldn’t have the luxury of being judged on its symbolic and stylistic merits, because the fact that it’s simply not very good is an even bigger disappointment.

Oakley Hoodie

We can only apologise. While we were being distracted by pictures of their RS5, Audi released the third and fourth videos in their A1 promotional campaign. In these two, Justin Timberlake (who’s now called Jon), zips about in the little red Mini-hater, sharing raunchy glances with the woman who he doesn’t really know. Seeing as the first video saw the woman being shot at, we can only assume she’s obviously a horrible, horrible lady that he’s better off avoiding. Find out below if he sticks with her, or tells her to naff off and steals her car. Or just keeps running away from the men with guns…

You can tell a lot about a car’s character from the material covering the inside of its A-pillars. Cheap, brittle little cars have pillars garnished with the type of plastic that photocopier paper trays are made of. Expensive, plush cars have smartly upholstered fabric pillars that invite a casual backhand stroke.

Usually, it’s a pretty clear-cut affair: fabric or plastic. Good or bad. But the revised MiTo is deceptive. For three whole days, we thought the pillars were fabric… and true to analogy, the car stood up well. It felt premium and strokeable.

The premium-ness actually comes from a couple of new MultiAir engines – the most newsworthy of a variety of changes that took place at the end of 2009. Instead of the valves being moved by the camshafts, they’re controlled electronically in a manner that can either boost economy or power. Sounds simple, but making an engine’s valves move independently of engine speed is ruddy smart. Feels it too.

At low revs, the 135bhp turbocharged 1.4 MultiAir engine fitted to our mid-spec £16k Veloce model (there’s also an £18k 170bhp Cloverleaf version) is quiet and docile, but torquey and flexible. Ask it to do something more interesting and it changes character entirely, giving a surge that you’d never think was coming from such a small capacity. The combination of 50.4mpg, 129g/km and 8.4 second 0-62mph time give paper-proof to the tarmac impression.

The strokeability comes from gently caressed steering software. The MiTo used to feel like it had been programmed by the chap that engineered Sega Rally – a light, numb action with inconsistent resistance trying to emulate genuine weight. It was bad. Now though, it’s better… and the body control and general nimbleness are still just as respectable as they have always been.

For the first three days of our week with the MiTo, those were our impressions. Clever engine, improved steering, decent dynamics and pleasantly upholstered A-pillars. But then we got stuck in a traffic jam and it all started to unravel. In a moment of boredom, a restless index finger stretched out like E.T to touch a pillar and – O M Flipping G. They’re plastic. It’s a fake! Closer inspection of the whole car was of course now required. So instead of waiting in the traffic jam and marvelling at the Start/Stop system, we turned off and took the rurals… and it didn’t go that well.

Look past the clear improvements to the steering and the persistent faults of the MiTo’s set-up remain. There’s still a dead spot in the middle, a lack of feedback and an impression that any apparent ‘weight’ that builds through a corner is actually a computerised, artificial response instead of a physical, rubbery one.

Tuning into the car over the A-roads that people used before the M42 existed, more faults revealed themselves. The gearchange, which to our pre-pillar revelation selves had basically felt fine, was baulky and vague under closer inspection. The engine, which is easily the car’s strongest feature, developed an attitude problem if asked to do anything useful above 5,000rpm. The car’s ability to deal with any significant lumps was noisily absent too. The MiTo showed itself up to be dynamically inferior to not just the Mini, but also the Citroen DS3.

Thought turned to the MiTo’s DNA system, which adjusts throttle response and steering weight from All-weather to Normal to Dynamic. Being human, we’d always switched the MiTo to Dynamic for the sharpest responses… but now, in a move to find a better set-up, it was switched back to Normal. Perhaps this would reveal more a more natural side, with a smoother power delivery and less computerised resistance to the steering. Not a chance. It just makes the throttle so baggy that you genuinely think you’re in third when pulling away from a junction.

Then we got back home, still annoyed that the car had tricked us into thinking it had fabric A-pillars, not plastic ones. And the deception sums it up well. On the face of it, the MiTo is desirable, smartly engineered and good to jaunt about in; a car you’d buy if you want a Mini but can’t stomach actually buying a Mini. Initially, the MiTo is also just as satisfying to drive as the German too – but there’s a numbness and artificiality lurking beneath the surface – cheap plastic where you expect nice fabric, and dynamic niggles where you expect simple pleasures. If you never delve beneath the surface of a car, the MiTo will be fine… just don’t look for any hidden depths. You might scratch the A-pillars.

Ageing N*Sync star and famous ex-fondler of Britney’s Spears, Justin Timberlake, has long been known as the main ambassador of Audi’s A1, and now it’s getting serious – he’s going to star in six short films to promote the car ahead of its UK launch in October.

The first episode shows Justin (who in the film is actually called John), enjoying a coffee while chatting to a bossy sounding fellow on the phone. Rather annoyingly for Justin, sorry… John, the conversation with the bossy man is interrupted by an abrupt woman who happens to be under fire. He helps the abrupt woman escape from the cafe before being told to drive her away in her Audi A1. The moral? The Audi A1 will be bought by abrupt woman who can’t drive the thing with heels on.

Who knows what the next episode will bring. Does abrupt woman accidentally call John Justin? Will abrupt woman calm down? Will we find out who bossy man is? Will Justin do some acting? Will he get his computer back from the cafe? Will the abrupt lady learn to drive her own car? Well, all those questions and possibly more will be answered when the next episode is released in a week’s time – check back here to find out. Can’t wait.

There’s a chicken/egg parallel to the premium supermini market. What came first; the new Mini, or the public’s lust for a posh small car? Almost definitely the former. The car came first, BMW made us want it and now it’s King of the Cocks – a shiny feathered man hen that everyone wants a piece of. Which makes the Citroen DS3 a hungry, wily fox.

And it’s got a lot to do… even after nearly a decade of lording it about the farm on its own, the Mini is yet to be faced with a fox to match it. The Fiat 500 is cheap and cuddly but a bit soft. The Alfa MiTo has an 8C’s face but is secretly rubbish to drive. And the Audi A1 looks great but doesn’t exist yet. The DS3 could be the first bushy tailed urban warrior with a full quota of Mini chomping teeth.

It’s certainly got a wide enough grin… and that counts for a lot when appealing to the clutch-bagged shoppers who want a Mini. LED daytime running lights set the DS3 up with a tarty, glitzy look that only gets more impressive as you head to further down its plumage. Chrome door handles look posh; half-cut, forward leaning B-pillars look mad and smartly surfaced bejewelled lights and badges out-style the Mini in one glance. Fox is sexier than the Cock.

That’s half of the battle won, really. But not all of it. Because Citroen, despite their ginormous improvements over the past few years, still have the slight whiff of ‘value’ around them… and ‘value’ doesn’t sit well with ‘premium’. So, it’s actually a good thing that the DS3 isn’t an awful lot cheaper than a Mini.

Prices start at £11,700 for a 95bhp 1.4VTi petrol with 95bhp – £500 less than the Mini One with similar power, and go up to £15,600 for a 110bhp 1.6HDi diesel with 110bhp – £750 more than a Mini Cooper D with similar power. Awkwardly, or perhaps cleverly, the best DS3, our £15,900, 150bhp 1.6 petrol sneaks into the middle ground between the Cooper and Cooper S for both price and power. Wily, wily Fox avoiding direct Cock comparison.

Perhaps it’s no surprise that Citroen didn’t want their fastest DS3 to square right up to either of the sporty Minis – because even after some sharpening up, the C3 chassis which underpins the DS3 can’t perform the some hot-footed chicken dance as the Mini. It’s not overly baggy or dull, but there’s a touch more body roll, an inch more squat and dive than you’d get in a Mini andless feel through the steering. The upside is a slightly more compliant ride, but there’s no mpg payoff for the softer edge – 42.2mpg is good for a 150bhp petrol, but not so smart next to the 52mpg Cooper and 48mpg Cooper S.

Quite how much the average Mini driver appreciates the chassis under them is up for debate though – so, ignoring the mpg figure, maybe the DS3’s slightly softer set-up will be a good thing. Comfort lovers will prefer the Citroen’s interior too – lighter, less fussy and more spacious, and you get the sense it won’t develop rattles quite as quickly as a Mini too. The 280 litre boot makes the Mini’s 160 litre hole look like somewhere even a battery hen would baulk at too.

So is the DS3 foxy enough to take the King of the Cocks off its pedestal? Not quite. It’s got a better combination of style, space and comfort – but that can’t quite make up for the inferior dynamics and economy. The DS3 deserves to do well on the talents it’s got, but it’s going to have to hand the chicken killing responsibility to the Audi A1. It better start sharpening its teeth now.

Digesting the news… then spewing it out in 60 words

Hennessey released a teaser picture of their 1000bhp, 262mph, V8 powered, Elise based Venom GT ahead of its official unveiling at the end of the month. Aston failed to persuade the world that the Cygnet is a good idea, by announcing it’ll be available in any colour its misguided customers desire. And BMW confirmed that they’re developing a FWD chassis.

MISS – Nissan Micra

As frog faced and squidgy looking as the current Micra is, and as much as that might have scared away some core grannies, surely the Nissan Micra should look more interesting than this?

HIT – Skoda Fabia vRS

There’s something unpretentiously desirable about a quick Skoda – especially when it’s running the same 177bhp twincharger engine as the excellent Ibiza Cupra. There’s even going to be an estate version of this £16k hot hatch.

MISS – Alfa Romeo Giulietta

A lot of people were making inappropriate sexual noises as they walked passed Alfa’s new Focus rival – we can only assume it was because of the models. Promises of Golf rivalling quality aside, we think the Giulietta looks a bit awkard. Like a pigeon with piles.

HIT – Vauxhall Meriva

Now based on the Zafira, the Meriva has gone posh with a smart interior and trick suicide doors. Gimmick or not, Rolls Royce style entry apertures are what car buying humans like to show off to their mates – it’s a smart move.

MISS – Every Porsche Panamera There

So many naff tuning firms decided to further butcher the Porsche Pigs Ear it actually got a bit funny. A personal favourite was the hilariously named ‘Fab Design’ who accidentally shat all sorts of glass fibre pebble dashed mess all over the place.

HIT – Mini Countryman

There. We’ve said it. The Mini Countryman wasn’t that bad in the flesh – not perfect, but not an complete face disgrace. In real life it looked quite muscular and chunky, and, as you’ll note by the amazing photo below – there’s room for a human with knees in the back.

Knees, fitting in behind our own 6ft driving position. Never seen before in a Mini.

A little while ago, we had the pleasure of driving about and reviewing a UK spec Nissan Cube – we quite liked it. By utter fluke, some chap with specs seems to have got hold of the same car and made a video of it. You can watch it here:

It’s definitely not a practical joke any more. Mini have announced prices and other details for their Countryman crossover, which will go on sale in the UK in September. Cheapest is the 98hp One at exactly £16,000, rising up to £20,810 for the 184hp Cooper S.

The Cooper D looks like the most sensible buy at £18,810 – it’s got 112hp, 199lb ft and will get to 62mph in 10.9 secs. It also only emits 116g/km of CO2 and is quoted at 64.2 mpg combined. All those figures are for the front wheel drive models though; an  ’All4′ four wheel drive transmission will be available on the Cooper S and Cooper D, costing a smidge over a grand extra with a CO2 and mpg penalty that Mini say is ‘smaller than one might expect’. We’ll have to take their word for it, as they’ve not actually said what it is.

As far as our basic understanding of 4WD transmissions go, the Countryman All4 uses what is essentially an electro-magnetic version of a Haldex clutch – if the front wheels lose traction, the rears are engaged. A prop-shaft to the rear wheels actually runs constantly to make the transition from FWD to 4WD as smooth as possible, with the clutch engaging the rear wheels when necessary. Clever. Although the ground clearance is actually only 1cm higher than a normal Mini so the 4WD seems a bit pointless anyway.

All UK cars will come with a rear bench seat as standard, with a no-cost option of having two individual rear seats instead. Other standard kit includes parking sensors, heated mirrors and washers, roof rails, DAB radio, bluetooth and ‘preparation for a bicycle rack’.

Unavoidable cynicism for such a cynical car aside, the fact that the Cooper D Countryman can be had for less than £20k seems reasonable value next to the likes of Kugas, X1s and Tiguans which all cost a good few grand more. We’ll reserve judgement as to how practical it really is until we’re poking around it in Geneva – but if it’s got vaguely comparable space to the likes of the Kuga, you better get used to seeing its funny face about.

With the Justin Timberlake photo, smug speccy man shot and nasty footballer video, the Audi A1 was at risk of being annoying before it even existed. Lots of viral marketing, very little information on the car. Thankfully, Audi have now released some tangible factage and unobscured photos… and it looks sharp and tidy.

The styling has stayed impressively close to the concept, right down to the sweepy aluminium roof line that can be specced in various colours. There will be three engines at launch, all of which are turbo-blowered; a 1.2 TFSI petrol with 85bhp and 118lb ft, a 1.4 TFSI petrol with 120bhp and 148lb ft and a 1.6TDI with 104bhp and a chunky 184lb ft.

All will do over 55mpg and all will emit less than 120g/km of CO2 – although the 1.4 will creep over these figures if you don’t spec the optional S-Tronic double clutch gearbox. The diesel is currently quoted as 102g/km of CO2, which seems tantalisingly close to the sub-100g needed for a free tax disc – perhaps they’ll have a twiddle to make it 99g before launch.

Prices are expected to start at around £13k when it goes on sale at the end of the year, with all models coming with alloys, air con, ESP and an e-diff as standard. Audi are making a big deal of the customisation options on the A1 too, with the possibility of flashing LED lights in your speakers (Kia Soul got there first), daytime running lights (just don’t), DAB radio, sat-nav, Bluetooth and various cosmetic twiddlings for inside and out.

An A1 with the right spec of 1.4 TFSI, S-Tronic and sat-nav will easily be nudging £20k – but as Mini have taught us, people will pay almost anything for a small, chic, driveable car that makes them feel posh. To that effect, it might not even matter if the Citroen DS3 proves to be equally small, chic and driveable for less cash. Nonetheless, we like it… especially the shape of the headlights. And if they’ve managed to stick the interior together with their usual finesse, it’ll definitely have one over on the Mini.

Jazz Fag

A slight of hand somewhere behind the scenes at BMW has led to pictures of the Mini Countryman appearing before they really should have done. And it’s not much of a looker. The mudflaps are in the wrong place for a start…

Various concept incarnations like the doorless Beachcomber have already been shown off, but these are the first real-life, real-car piccies of Mini’s first crossover. It’ll be seen in the flesh for the first time at the Geneva Motor Show in March, before going on sale in the UK in the autumn from around £17k. Unlike a lot of mock-roaders, the Countryman will actually be 4WD – eagle eyed viewers will note an ‘All4′ badge on the front door.

Other than the accidentally placed mudflaps, styling hightlights include the clumsiest roof to C-pillar transition ever seen on a production car, round front lights that aren’t actually round at all and a boot lid that still looks sparse despite the massive Mini badge. Good news comes from the fact that it’s got proper back doors instead of borrowing the Clubman’s half sized kitchen cupboard design.

Inside, it’s very similar to a normal Mini with the addition of an aeroplane throttle style handbrake that might be easier to use with Gore-Tex gloves after you’ve been skiing. The styling might be an acquired taste, and even a modestly specced Countryman will no doubt cost Golf GTI money, but look on the bright side… it could be the first new Mini that’s more spacious than Issigonis’ model from 1959. Now that’s progress.

Digesting the news… then spewing it out in 60 words

The Mini range was tweaked with all models getting a slight increase in power and decrease in emissions. GM won’t sell the new 9-5 and 9-3 as rebadged Buicks, and will just bin them should Saab die. And MOT pass rates were released for cars taking their first test in 2007 – Megane was the worst and Corolla the best.

Digesting the news… then spewing it out in 60 words

Mini released pictures of their ‘Beachcomber’ concept car, hinting at what the 2010 Mini Countryman would look like if it didn’t have any doors – i.e. slightly daft. Bugatti showed off three largely irrelevant Veyron special editions, which they will only sell in the Middle East. And Donato Coco, previously the design boss of Ferrari, joined Lotus as Director of Design.