on the sidewalls

Can you imagine having nearly £40,000 to spend on a brand new car? It’d be like waking up with two willies. Some of the finest cars on sale vying for your attention, luring you in with their glowing reviews. Porsche Boxster, BMW 525d Touring, Land Rover Discovery 4… the list of class leading stunners could coax up a chubby.

And for the same price, you could buy the updated Nissan Murano.

So, what does it do to tempt that £40,000 from your lucky-git fingers? Well, erm… I was always told that if I haven’t got anything nice to say I shouldn’t say anything at all. So here’s a picture.

As I haven’t got anything nice to say about the ride, handling, styling or performance, I won’t talk about them. Certainly won’t mention the steering. And I can’t really discuss the qualities of the new 2.5 turbodiesel engine either – because struggling to do 30mpg is only a nice thing when compared to the V6 petrol Murano… which struggled to do 20.

I can, however, comment on the high equipment levels, including side and rear parking cameras, a good sat nav, Bluetooth and heated seats. Probably shouldn’t go into how the driver’s seat looks and feels like a dentist’s chair though.  Can’t mention the rest of the interior either. Especially not the plastic around the lever of the standard 6-speed auto-box. Or the brightness controls for the dials. Or the electric mirror switches.

In fact, the nicest thing I can say about the Murano is how it should make us feel very lucky. The big Nissan isn’t dangerous or even anything worse than mediocre in every way – yet it’s about as wide of the mark as brand new cars get. So thanks, Murano. Thanks for reminding us just how excellent every other car on sale is.

In the UK, today is the longest day of the year – so, purely because today is the only day long enough to enjoy them all, we’ve compiled a list of the most protracted, long winded car names ever. Take a deep breath and prey the sun’s still up when you’re done…

5. Toyota Estima Lucida G Luxury Joyful Canopy

An example from the country that gave the world such gems as the Mazda Bongo Friendee, the Mitsubishi ‘MUM 500 Shall We Join Us?’ and the Suzuki Every Joy Pop Turbo. In the UK and America, this Toyota MPV is called the Previa – but in its domestic market of Japan that’s obviously not descriptive enough. Although, seeing as the Estima Lucida G Luxury Joyful Canopy isn’t particularly luxurious or joyful, we’re not sure quite what the name is describing. At least the Canopy bit is vaguely accurate – it refers to the big glass roof.

4. Land Rover Range Rover Sport Limited Autobiography Supercharged

Ah, yes – the Range Rover. It’s made by Land Rover. And this is the lower, tighter Sport model. In top spec Autobiography trim. With a supercharger. Despite the vast array of badges weighing it down, the LR RR SLAS can crack 62mph in 5.9 seconds thanks to the V8 motor’s 503bhp and 461lb ft of torque. It’ll cost you though – the £70,540 starting price works out at £1,259 per letter.

3. Lamborghini Murcielago LP670-4 Super Veloce China Limited Edition

The self explanatory name was obviously chosen by a primary school teacher who’s really good at teaching children to spell phonetically. Just like the teacher will say Lam Bor Gee Nee, Lambo themselves simply spelt out the name by listing its constituent elements. So it’s a Murcielago, it’s got 670PS, it’s got 4 wheel drive, it’s the 100kg lighter super fast model, and it’s a Limited Edition model for China. Only 10 were made, all in the same colour scheme, and all sold to Chinese customers.

2. Rolls-Royce Silver Spur II Touring Limousine by Mulliner Park-Ward

The standard Silver Spur II, released in 1989, was 5.4 metres long – but for some customers even that didn’t allow them to be far enough away from the peasant-class driver. So specialist Rolls Royce coachbuilder Mulliner Park-Ward stepped in and lengthened the car by 60cm, allowing the cigar chomping passenger to sit a further 2 feet away from the chap in the hat up front. It’s so long that there’s enough room for a 10” CRT TV to be mounted in its own walnut cabinet in the middle of the passenger compartment. And the name’s long too. Obviously.

1. Chevrolet Corvette Silver Anniversary Indianapolis 500 Pace Car Replica

In 1978, Chevrolet released a special edition Corvette called the Silver Anniversary to celebrate the model’s 25^th birthday. Pretty smart. The ‘Chevrolet Corvette Silver Anniversary’ is a bit of a mouthful, but it’s an important occasion so easily forgiven. However, that wasn’t the end of it. Because at the 1978 Indy 500, the pace car was a Corvette Silver Anniversary… and what respectable car company wouldn’t make a special edition to acknowledge that? Well, none – not even GM.

So, they slapped on some more silver paint, garnished it with a red pin stripe, bolted on a couple of spoilers and called it the Chevrolet Corvette Silver Anniversary Indianapolis 500 Race Car Replica. Which, as far as we know, is the longest car name ever – with a staggering 63 characters. Perhaps if GM hadn’t spent so much money on name badges 30 years ago, they’d be in less trouble now.

Thanks to various people who we stole pictures off without asking. If you want them back, just ask.

In a couple of weeks, the Range Rover will be forty years old. Through four decades of technological progress, it’s not only become the best off-roader in the muck, but the best off-roader on the road. It had coil springs, on and off-road ABS, driver and passenger air bags, self levelling suspension and electronic air suspension before any other SUV.

But the Rangie’s muddy-time tech innovations aren’t the only factors in its success. There’s also the bling… and nothing says bling like over-guilded, diamante encrusted headlight jewellery. So to celebrate the fact that Range Rover can make cars for crystal fingered footballers without annoying the hard-working farmers, here’s a chronology of Range Rover headlights – from the soft Halogen of a 1970 Classic to the LED and Xenon pierce of a facelifted L322. You can click it to make it bigger.

Now shut your eyes, blow out the twinkling LED candles, and wish for another 40 years of Range Rovers that satisfy tarty taste without sacrificing mud-munching prowess. Happy Birthday Range Rover – and never forget that farmers are more important than footballers.

Digesting the news… then spewing it out in 60 words

It was discovered that Land Rover are planning a Range Rover Sport hybrid capable of emitting less than 100g/km of CO2, to go on sale in 2012. Jaguar came top of the US JD Power customer satisfaction survey, with Cadillac second. And Chancellor Alistair Darling announced that electric cars will be exempt from company car tax, in his pre-budget report.

Digesting the news… then spewing it out in 60 words

Alfa Romeo announced they’re changing the name of their upcoming Milano to Giulietta, after sacked Milan workers moaned about how inappropriate the original name was. Audi announced their Mini rivalling A1 will cost between £13k and £20k when it goes on sale at the end of 2010. And Jaguar Land Rover made £41.3m of actual profit in the last quarter.