Let’s start off with a simple fact: the Citroen DS4 is NOT a pick-up truck. It’d be crap at taking rubble to the tip, it doesn’t lumber on leaf springs and people won’t think you’ve got a tattoo of a bear on your chest if you drive it. What it is though, is almost every other type of car in existence.

A hot hatch for starters. Quite a good one actually. Fitted with the same 200bhp petrol engine that nestles behind the recently-caught-trout-face of the Peugeot RCZ, the DS4 can parp and charge with all the passion of a violently farty bullock. It’ll rattle off the 0-62 run in less than 8 seconds and keep the needle nudging clockwise to 146mph.

Quite bafflingly, and despite its parpiness, the DS4 is also a crossover. The driving position is described by the vaguely pornographic term of ‘semi-command’ – meaning while you can’t see over other cars, you are just about high enough to implement a condescending stare. The ride height too, which is the car’s least convincing symptom of being a jack of all trades, makes the car look rufty tufty rather than lanky.

Yet, despite the wheel arch gaps, it’s also a surprisingly spikey coupe. The suspension is stiffer and sharper than the Arran-sweater wearing C4 on which it’s based, resulting in a little victory over the supposed effects of a high centre of gravity.

It changes direction well, grips like a leech on a fatty and possesses that rarest of qualities in a modern car – steering feel. The electro-hydraulic steering (instead of purely electric) and racy Michelin Pilot Sport tyres deserve thanks for this. Subtle rubbery granules pulsing through the palms… what a treat.

We’re not quite finished yet – the DS4 is a sensible hatchback too. When it goes on sale in Autumn 2011, the cheapest model will cost around £18,000 and be fitted with a 1.6HDi engine capable of 60mpg while emitting 122g/km of CO2. Spec the clicky flap EGS gearbox and the figures improve to 64mpg with 114g/km. And the 385 litre boot is actually slightly bigger than the supposedly more sensible C4’s. Ooooh.

Did we mention the interior has an authentic touch of luxury car about it? Well it has.

Of course, this melee of contradictory goodness has led to some less welcome quirks. For a starter, it’s the only five-door hatch we know where the rear windows don’t open. Citroen’s spin wizard quite nonchalantly explained that ‘it’s because the DS4 is a coupe and coupe’s don’t have opening rear windows do they?’. Err, it’s a hatchback and a lot of coupes do have hinged rear windows actually.

Secondly, the gap betwixt wheel and wheel arch looks daft. But that’s about it. The DS4 really has nailed the fast/fun/frugal/stylish/sporty/spacious/different/not too bloody weird combo incredibly well. Makes a Countryman look… well, like the first syllable of its name.

We started with a fact, so we’ll end with another: the Citroen DS4 is the least compromising compromise in motoring. And we like it a lot.

Yes. We know. It’s mechanically indistinguishable from a SEAT Ibiza Cupra or Skoda Fabia vRS. Do you know quite how BORED the world is of that fact? Jaysus.

What The Most Repeated Car Fact of the 21st Century So Far neglects to mention is that the minutiae of a car’s execution is just as critical as its gearbox, engine and chassis. Which is why the Polo GTI is better than two cars that are the same as it.

The extra sheen of the Polo’s interior is just the start – the biggest difference between the three cars is on the road. Seriously.

A Fabia vRS feels like a cheap car with a very expensive engine – fast, but also a bit tall and imprecise. The Ibiza Cupra by comparison gives the impression that it’s trying too hard… all shouty, darty and hard without much charm or feel. Blame it on the height of their bodies, sound proofing and weight distribution.

In comparison, the Polo feels like a perfectly judged hot hatch marvel. It’s the last of the three to go on sale, but the GTI gives the impression that it was designed first – the ideal calibration of a shared platform that Skoda and SEAT had to cheapen and differentiate themselves from.

The ride is fractionally less busy… the induction noise slightly richer… the steering infinitesimally meatier… you’ve got to be a real hot-hatch loser hell-bent on finding tiny traces of tweaked tactility to feel the difference, but that’s what we are. Give us a good hot hatch in Wales over anything else on the road. And the Polo GTI is a very good hot hatch.

Blame it on witchcraft, blame it on mysterious mechanical alchemy… but we honestly think the difference is big enough to avoid blaming our own exaggerated memories of the other two cars.

And yes. We also know that the fizzy brilliance of a Renaultsport Clio makes praising the tactility of a Polo GTI sound a bit overwrought. The best of the three is still second best to the Renault.

It’s the time of year when the world’s men-folk indulge in one of their Top 5 Favourite Activities – making and reading lists. So as a Christmas present to you loyal reader(s), we’re going to write a list all of our own. Lady and Man, we present The Top Five Cars We’ve Driven in 2010.

5. Mitsubishi Evo X FQ400

When we bagged the keys to Mitsubishi’s window-licking hyper-saloon, we were immediately stunned. This wasn’t just a creaky jap-box being kept alive with a huge iron lung of a turbo, but an incredibly well set-up and easy to drive weapon. Even in the hands of ham-fisted amateurs like ourselves, it danced, whooshed, raced and destroyed. Simultaneously flattering and brutal.

Yes it looks daft, has a tacky interior, costs £50k and won’t do 20mpg – but that’s why it’s only at number 5. For being brilliant as well as preposterous, the Fahk-You-400 makes the list.
Read our original review here.

4. Citroen DS3

Not long ago, Citroen showrooms resembled branches of Lidl – cheap stock piled high to shift quick. To mums and dads after a bargain C4 Picasso, it was great. But everybody else wanted to shop in Waitrose. Which is where the DS3 came in.

Suddenly, Citroen had a posh little car that was genuinely desirable instead of apologetically affordable. The styling was sharp and different, the engines were consistently strong and even the chassis could flick its skirt like a saucy French maid. To our senses, it doesn’t quite match the dynamic ability of a Mini… but in every other respect, it’s better. One of very few new cars we’d actually buy with real-life monies.

Read our original review here.

3. Skoda Superb Estate

The car that took Skoda from plucky underdog to class-leader. While the previous Superb never quite had the gumption to live up to its name, this one wears it with pride. You know the bullied kid at school who goes away for a year, comes back buff and kicks the giblets out of everyone? That’s the Superb. Only it’s far less angry.

Priced from less than £18k, you get the second biggest boot of any estate car in the UK (only beaten by the Merc E-Class), a faultless interior, the best of VW’s current engines and more rear leg-room than anything this side of a Rolls Phantom. It ticks boxes that don’t even exist. There’s even a brolly in the door.
Read our original review here.

2. Honda CR-Z

Shock! ‘The World’s First Sporty Hybrid’© actually is! But strangely, most of its endearing features have little to do with the combination of electricity and combustion under its skin. What stands out for us is the design and engineering that have gone into making it fun to drive.

A snicky six speed manual gearbox. A rorty-on-request exhaust note. Beautifully judged spring and damper settings. A sci-fi-tastic digital hub of a dashboard. Grip and balance that are tweakable on the road. An 80s wedge shape that also nods to the obligatory eco-car steam iron aesthetic. A super-strong chassis with the torsional rigidity of a Civic Type-R. The CR-Z is an incredibly well resolved little car. That it’s cheaper than a Scirocco, C-Charge exempt, costs peanuts to tax and is as economical as a stodgy diesel is a bonus.
Read our original review here.

1. Ford Focus RS500

By far the most memorable car we’ve driven this year, and not just because we drove 800 miles in 24 hours. It’s impossible to imagine how the RS500 shovels on speed until you’ve driven one – we’d swear that only an M3 or 911 Carrera upwards would be able pull away. Extra brownie points are awarded for its ability to achieve such fierce levels of acceleration while maintaining the standard RS’s gloriously granular steering and sweetly weighted controls.

The RS500 is a heart-on-the-sleeve working class hero… it’s carrying a bunch of flowers while beating someone up with beer barrel biceps. How Ford made a £35,000, FWD, 345bhp hatchback quite so appealing is a mystery. But they have.

And there’s a bigger reason to pay respect too. The RS500 marks the end of an era for all the gloriously kinky cars that are being killed because they don’t meet the Euro V emissions regulations: Mazda RX-8, Honda Civic Type-R, VW V10 TDI Touareg and Alfa Romeo 3.2 V6 – it’s a swan song for all of them. Instead of seeming like an over-specced Essex spacker-hatch designed to make some chavs have a wank, it feels like a little chunk of automotive history. It’s etched into our minds… there’s just something about it that gives it an air of importance. A moment in time.

So while Ford could have given the bonkers Focus RS a bolt-gun to the head and packed it off quietly, they didn’t. They made it more powerful, more expensive and more memorable – and that’s why it’s top of the list. Respeck.

Read our original review here.

To many, the lasting memory of Paris 2010 will be of Naomi Campbell vacantly smiling at a Lotus Esprit like it was a child with one eye. Baffled, almost sympathetic – but generally indifferent. To us though, even the A-list weirdness of new-era Lotus is forgettable. What’s clinging to the inside of our skulls is driving there and back in a Focus RS500. The big black Ford is a horrendous bastard of the highest order… and it’s totally fucking brilliant.

But also tinged with sadness. Dressed entirely in black, the RS500 mourns the demise of the Focus RS and its gargling baritone of a five-cylinder engine. For a mainstream model, the RS was actually pretty controversial. ‘Pah! It won’t be able to handle the power! The torque steer will give you tennis elbow!’ yelped car fans with sheltered lives; ‘it’ll amputate your arms and storm off into a ditch’ they continued, ignorantly. And that was just about the standard 300bhp car. The RS500 has another 45bhp, not to mention 15lb ft more torque. Only 500 will be made and it costs an almost unbelievable £35,000. Yet it’s still brill.

Picture the scene. You’re at Beaconsfield services, in the rain, at 11pm and all you want to do is reach a warm bed in Maidstone. Car brimmed, you approach the M25 entry slip. Because you’re bored, not to mention curious about how 345bhp could possibly be applied to damp tarmac via two front wheels, you check the mirrors and stop, right at the start of he slip road. Then, with traction control optimistically switched off, you nail the best getaway possible. Like you’ve just robbed a Post Office.

Bwaaarpp-ba-ba… tsshh… Bwaaaaaaaaarrpp… tsssh… bwaaaaaaaaaaaaarp… you’re doing the speed limit. 0-62 in 5.4 seconds. Apart from the judder of axle tramp (which incidentally, is no worse here than in a DSG equipped Golf GTI), and a swerve through the lorry ruts it happens cleanly, smartly and without a hernia. Of course, just like even a rear wheel drive car with over 300bhp, you can’t just hoof the throttle and slam the clutch without ultimately looking like a bit of a tit – but the RS500’s extra turbo boost, bigger fuel pump and fatter exhausts haven’t made it undriveable.

What they have done is make it disgustingly quick. Through 3rd, 4th and 5th, it’s M3 fast. Unhinged, nobs turned up to 11, laugh out loud even on the M20 at midnight fast. Its stability is phenomenal too. While at town speeds the steering could benefit from a quicker rack, at velocities where the RS500 beggars belief, it’s perfect.

Micro-adjustments in the fast lane are second nature. You never actually consider how much input the steering needs to change lane or tackle a sweeping bend, you just turn the wheel and it moves instantly and gracefully. No twitching, no nervousness, no delay – just great steering with a natural feel.

When you get off the motorway and stop marvelling at the speed, steering and stability, the RS500 shows off its talent as an urban magnet for admiration, camera phones and ‘rev it’ hand gestures… even from surly Parisians. We parked it right in front of the Eiffel Tower and a tourist actually asked to have his picture taken next to the car instead of the iconic French landmark.

Through the horrendous jam that is La Peripherique, it’s just as easy to drive as a standard RS, which in turn is just as forgiving as any other Focus on sale. A light clutch, progressive brakes and lots of windows to see out of. It even treats you to parking sensors and a reversing camera, to help avoid scuffing the matt black wrap when parking at the Porte de Versailles.

Then a motorshow happened. Lamborghini released a fake car we thought would be real. Porsche showed a car with spinal curvature. Ferrari took the roof off a 599. Jaguar made the world’s first fictional hybrid with jet turbines. Ford showed off a four cylinder Focus ST that makes the RS500 look even more special. And Brian May made five very similar looking new cars from Lotus all smell off hairspray. After all that, it was time to drive back. Paris back to Brum.

Most of the return journey was a blur – but we can’t talk about it for legal reasons. Some toll booths. Darkness. 20mpg. Driving from full to empty without stopping. A tunnel. A game of Angry Birds. The M20. A panini. The M25. The M40. The M6. And then, coming off a junction early for Birmingham at 1:30am. Brilliant.

If you ever drive to the middle of Birmingham from junction 5 of the M6, you might have already discovered the series of roundabouts that start at Castle Bromwich, go past Fort Shopping Park, through Nechells and into the City centre. If you’re a cock with a Saxo, you’ll already go there every Sunday night to compare neon lights with your dickhead mates. These are the best urban roundabouts in the country… and at 1:30am there’s nobody else to bother you.

First, you’re forced to stand on the brakes as you hit the left-hand exit slip-road towards lights that are always red. Sit. Wait. Then tackle the wide roundabout, right at the top of second gear. Half throttle pulls a tight line, 3/4 throttle forces the front wide with inside wheel scrabbling. Take the third exit, grabbing third gear after the apex. Heading back under the M6 now, towards the Spitfire roundabout and Jaguar plant… there’s a tight left after the hill has crested. If you don’t know it’s there, you best phone the paint shop.

Take it in second, again finding the inside wheel’s traction point and breaking it just for fun. Now a blat to the top of third as you pass Fort Dunlop. The wall is high to your left, and the car sounds frightening and awesome. Straight over the next roundabout at the Bentley dealer, in third. Up the hill, hoping the lights at the next roundabout are green. They are. Entering with a slither of brake pressure, the back is firmly tied down… jolt on some more lock, feather the throttle, lift off to try and provoke some tail swinging action – but the RS500 is having none of it.

The next roundabout is on the crest of a hill, and a very easy one to get violently wrong – as we came very close to experiencing in an R33 Skyline GT-R last year. Full throttle would see any car crash… so we give it as much as we dare and it sticks. Change direction quickly to take the exit, the front snuffling for grip as wet tarmac turns into rough, damp concrete. Grip increased, the throttle touches floor mat for just long enough to see third gear… and a speed camera. Brakes on, fun over. The last trickle into the city is taken with a heart rate far quicker than our speed.

Yes, a normal RS could have covered the ground very nearly as quickly and would have required less concentration to do so. But the times where the RS500’s massive power is a glorious pleasure far outweigh the occasions where it’s unusable or a burden. It’s expensive, ridiculous, tacky, does less than 30mpg and looks like the type of character who’d draw a cock and balls on a gravestone. But that’s exactly what it should be – a tribute to the RS, with a personality that’s a caricature of what makes that car so great. The RS500 is the naughtiest epitaph ever written.

Having had a sweet tea, a bracing walk and a glimpse at a picture of an Aston Martin Cygnet to help us get perspective, we can now force our minds to dwell on the Abarth 695 Tributo Ferrari. Just. This scintillatingly named creation is basically a Fiat 500 Abarth that, because of some Ferrari decals and a power hike from 135bhp to 180bhp, costs £29,600. Which is twice the price of a normal one. One car for the price of two. OMflippingG.

‘But ha’, you keenly quip, ‘that’s surely the most sensible way to get a Ferrari badged car for £30k’. Well possibly not, we retort. What if we could prove that a £30k Ferrari is a more practical car to own than a £30k Fiat? Using the brilliant F355 and our newly invented ‘Three P’ car buying criteria, we can do just that.

Practicality

The Ferrari F355 has a 220 litre boot, which is 35 litres bigger than the Abarth’s – this means it can hold more shopping, so you’re less likely to starve to death. With a time of 4.6 seconds, the Ferrari will accelerate to 60mph 2.4 seconds quicker than the Abarth, which makes it safer when pulling into small gaps at a junction. It’s also got much wider tyres, helping it grip harder and letting you drive faster… meaning you get to work quicker to earn more money.

The Ferrari’s 310mm front brake discs will stop the car more abruptly than the Abarth’s 284mm units, allowing you to leave braking until the very last millisecond – again saving time. And, should you be chased by a gunman, the Ferrari will leave your life in less peril than the Abarth, as its 184mph top speed is much faster than the Abarth’s 140mph escape velocity. The Ferrari is, on many levels, a more practical car.

Pleasure

Some aspects of car ownership aren’t objective. The beauty of the styling, the smell of the interior, the noise of the engine… there are attributes that transcend the mechanical and appeal on an emotional level. This is where the Ferrari really excels.

Its 375bhp, 3.5 litre V8 engine is not only 195bhp more powerful than the Abarth’s turbocharged 1.4 litre 4 pot wheezer, but much kinkier. Being mounted directly behind your head, and with less damping between it and the chassis, the Ferrari’s engine rasps and resonates not only through the air, but also through your body.

The Pininfarina styling of the Ferrari is cleaner and sharper than the Fiat penned 500… and, even in the words of a tedious cretin, the interior ‘is a much nicer place to be’. The Ferrari is, on many levels, a more pleasurable car.

Pennies

Now for the real surprise. We already know that the Abarth 695 Tributo Ferrari costs a ‘are you sure that’s not in Zimbabwean dollars’ sum of £29,600. For a supermini, that’s financial rape – a well looked after Ferrari F355, for example, can actually be had for less.

And before you bleat on about how the Ferrari will cost more to run, consider how quickly a Abarth 695 Tributo Ferrari will depreciate. Normal versions of the pudgy Fiat are worth about 46% of their value after three years. We’ll be kind and say the special edition will hold 50%… that still means you’ll take a £15k hit over three years.

Even having to spend £10k replacing the F355’s weak points of catalytic converter, manifolds and cam-belt, you’ll be £5k better off after three years than in the Abarth… which you can spend on petrol and insurance. With no depreciation to speak of, the Ferrari is, on many levels, a more affordable car.

A bigger boot, better performance and a smaller fiscal punch – if you want a £30k Ferrari, buy an F355. Don’t buy a Fiat.

‘Dat the new vRS?’, yaps the intricately bearded man waiting at the lights in a lowered 318Ci, ‘I been waiting to see one of dem man’. Fake Armani shades now lifted, his pupils pour over the Kermit paint job and, quite surprisingly, he doesn’t piss himself laughing. ‘Yeah looks sweet, nice rims. Open it up man’. So I do. Leave him for dead and leave me totally bewildered.

With a goopy face, under wheeled profile and self-conscious black roof, I expected the Fabia vRS to hit the streets with a handicap – but sitting at the lights outside a fried chicken shop in Birmingham, it’s the hottest piece of metal around. P Diddy could drive an R8 Spyder straight past unnoticed.

There’s more heckling at a petrol station in Kent, this time from an Accord Type S owner with even finer facial topiary than 318Ci man. ‘Nice car mate… petrol innit, what does it do?’. Being a massive geek, my answer is accurate; ‘7.3 seconds to 60, 139mph top end’. He replies in a tone of disgust, like I’d just told him my favourite hobby was rubbing crude oil into the eyes of rare sea birds ‘yeah, but what about to the gallon mate?’. Right. ‘They say 45mpg combined, but I’m getting mid 30s’ I reply in my politest voice. ‘Nah, I’d rather have the old diesel version then’.

He’s got a point. The first Fabia vRS, this car’s famously diesel predecessor, could be coaxed into hitting 60mpg. Standing in the shadow of a sign that puts petrol at £1.23 a litre, it’s hard to see the sense in replacing it with a car that does half that. That’s not the end of it though – there’s one more spontaneous talking head. Haven’t had this much attention since driving a Bentley Continental GT Speed to ASDA.

‘You see mate, you’ve made a mistake there’ said a Geordie over my shoulder, clearly thinking I’d bought it with my own money. Turning round to put face to voice, he’s wearing a Subaru cap – this man REALLY knows about cars. ‘Same as a Polo GTI that is… and yeah it’s two k cheaper on paper like… but what’s that monthly? Bet it’s nothing man. I’d pay the extra fiver or whatever and have the Dub fella’. Turns out Skoda badge snobbery isn’t completely dead after all… at least not amongst rude Geordies.

Being three potential customers who actually hand over money for their new cars, they are of course all absolutely right. The new vRS is good looking and quick, but has two big problems – it’s not a diesel and it’s not cheap enough.

First, the diesel thing. The Fabia’s 178bhp twincharger petrol engine is a brilliant thing, especially when synced up with the equally brilliant DSG gearbox – but it doesn’t feel as happy in the vRS as it does in the Ibiza Cupra, which to man-on-street is only a fiver a month more to buy. On occasions where you’d slip the SEAT into manual mode and parp about using the paddles, you leave the slightly taller, softer and calmer feeling Skoda in auto, where it upchanges early. The more laidback chassis wants a laidback, and frugal, diesel engine.

Which brings us onto problem two – it’s not cheap enough. At £15,700 it is £1300 less than the Cupra and a couple of grand less than a Polo GTI (both of which, as Subaru hat man pointed out, share a powertrain and a great deal of chassis bolts)… but, to man-on-street with a monthly payment plan, that’s not a big enough incentive to turn down a posher badge – especially when the fuel consumption, tax and insurance will be the same. What he wants is a hot hatch that’s not only cheaper to buy, but cheaper to run. He wants a diesel engine too.

Just imagine Skoda put VAG’s 140bhp 2.0TDI engine into a Fabia and then slapped a vRS badge on that. It’d hit 60 in the mid 8s, do 50mpg and be even cheaper to buy in the first place. It’d be a genuine, economical but still reasonably quick alternative to the Polo GTI and Ibiza Cupra, instead of a cheaper, less desirable version of the same thing.

So, thanks for the help 318Ci man, Accord Type S man and Subaru hat man. You’ve forced us to awkwardly conclude that despite being cheaper than two almost identical cars, and despite being fitted with an engine that’s just been awarded International Engine of the Year 2010, the Skoda Fabia vRS should cost less and have a different engine. Hilarious.

Digesting the news… then spewing it out in 60 words

Rumours that Porsche are planning to build a Panamera Convertible returned with reasonable roots in reality, as some patent drawings were leaked onto the interweb. Mitsubishi announced that they’re closing their motorsport rally tuning nutbag department Ralliart, endangering the Evo’s future. And Ford announced they’re adding a Sport+ model to the Fiesta range, with jazzified styling but no extra poke.

Sweaty Palms

Geneva 2010 was a cracking show for actual cars that human people will soon be driving in the real world. So good in fact, that we’ve had to make a list just so you can take it all in. We’ve supplemented our shitty iPhone snaps with press pics to help you see too.

Nissan Juke

Yeah yeah, it’s just a small crossover… but look at it. The Juke is proper mental. Nissan have already proved their ability to judge what people want to buy when they released the Qashqai – it appealed to everyone from Focus to 4×4 to Mondeo buyers.

The Juke is going to slot under the Qashqai when it goes on sale in October at around £13k. And don’t forget that these days, that’s the price of a mid-spec Fiesta or Polo, so there’s every chance that the Juke could ‘do a Qashqai’ to the supermini market. Seeing as it’s being built in Sunderland by the good men of the North, hopefully it’ll do well.

Citroen DS3 Racing

All of Citroen’s new cars were actually bloody interesting – but amongst the fictional concepts, the DS3 Racing was the quiet star. When was the last time Citroen made a car that made you want to drive it? We can’t remember either.

Despite the fact they’ve been building up a cracking rally reputation for a good few years, Citroen have taken a while to cash in on it – which is what the DS3 Racing comes in, being tweaked by the same chaps that build Loeb’s company car. It’s got a 200bhp 1.6 Turbo, wider track, stiffened and lowered suspension and twiddled ECU to make it quick… probably quick enough to hit 60mph in less than 7 seconds.

It’ll go on sale in the summer, and Citroen man didn’t disagree when we suggested it would cost just shy of £20k. Citroen man also told us that because only 1,000 will be made, the DS3R might not be available with the level of customisation found on the standard car – if they’re all grey and orange with the wheels of the show car, that won’t be a bad thing. It’s not just the Audi A1 that’s going to bother the Mini Cooper S.

Aston Martin Cygnet

In a radical move of assertion, we asked a man at Aston Martin if they were actually going to build the Toyota iQ based luxury city car – the man said ‘we are intending to produce the Cygnet before the end of the year’. He also commented how the chassis of the iQ will remain 100% intact as the Toyota becomes an Aston, without even changes to bushes, dampers or spring rates. The Aston Martin Cygnet will drive exactly like a Toyota iQ. Gosh

Prices are speculative at the moment, but Aston Martin didn’t dismiss us when we said we’d heard they’d start at £30k – Aston man also said it was more than likely that the car would initially be sold to current customers, with the aim to put it on general sale.

The interior of the show car wasn’t anywhere near to production finish, but the architecture and style reflected how the final car will look – and, to be honest, wasn’t impressive. While the outside of the car at least has a nod towards an Aston face with token styling cues, the architecture of the iQ interior remains – which simply doesn’t feel like enough effort to justify the extra cost over the Toyota. Final judgement has to wait until we’ve all seen a final car, but we’re more worried than ever that the Cygnet could really tarnish Aston’s good name.

Audi A1

Swiss motoring journalists couldn’t get enough of the little Audi, which shows just how subtly mature the well resolved styling is. It looks even smarter and well proportioned in the flesh with a stocky stance and beautiful headlight jewellery. Bizarrely, we stood staring at the A1 for longer than we did the Pagani Cinque Roadster.

We’ve always had a worry that the A1’s smart exterior could be let down by a less impressive, built to a price interior – but if the show car’s anything to go by, that won’t be a problem. While some of the materials and buttons weren’t quite as intricately damped as those in a bigger, pricier Audi it still had more than enough quality and tactility to make the starting price of £13k seem like ruddy good value.

Options will be key though – the daytime running lights, swooping roof line and smart wheels all need paying extra for, or the A1 will look drab and be worth nothing come resale. Bloody hell, what sensible advice. Goes on sale this Autumn.

Ford Focus

This could be the world’s biggest selling car when it goes on sale in the US, China and Europe next year. It’s fairly important. The styling of the outside was still raising eyebrows, with smart details like the triangular front grilles and funky fuel filler flap looking good, but perhaps one too many creases down the side and awkward rear lights. Shouldn’t every Focus ever have upright rear lights?

The interior is a much happier place – smart and premium looking, as well as being a lot more interesting than the current car. There were some rough edges on the pre-production show car, but the smart centre joystick and climate/radio layout already felt familiar and ergonomically sound. Nice leather dash top with bright yellow stitching all over too.

Perhaps more interestingly than the interior is the fact that Ford man told us that the next hot Focus, which won’t necessarily be called the RS, won’t come with a 5 cylinder engine as the current RS engine isn’t Euro V compliant so will be dropped. It was more than hinted that the top hot 2011 Focus would be running a 2.0 litre turbocharged four cylinder engine – perhaps a tuned version of the new car’s new Ecoboost motor. They’re already claiming that the new Focus is a sportier drive than any previous model, and that it’ll be even more of a revelation than the current Fiesta is. Which is good.

Digesting the news… then spewing it out in 60 words

Pics of Alfa Romeo’s Bertone styled Pandion concept car which will be shown at Geneva leaked out. Bentley released details of their Continental Supersports convertible which arrives this Autumn: 621bhp, 590lb ft of torque, 202mph and 3.9secs to get to 60mph. And VW announced a smaller, duller, slightly cheaper version of the Golf GTI – the 177bhp, £18,000 Polo GTI.

Digesting the news… then spewing it out in 60 words

Peugeot showed off their new ‘5’ concept – a 200bhp, 99g/Km Co2, 74.3mpg diesel-hybrid which previews the pleasant shape and clever tech of the upcoming 508 saloon. Subaru announced that they’ve persuaded Cosworth to breathe on their Impreza STI, making a special edition that will arrive next month. And more F1 testing happened, with Hamilton getting the boasters prize for fastest time.

Digesting the news… then spewing it out in 60 words

Honda made hot hatch fans sigh, with the Civic Type R Mugen – all the visual glitz of the 240bhp Mugen Type R, but only the standard 198bhp output. ‘Lotus’ revealed their new F1 car, which will be driven by Trulli and Kovalainen. And Citroen showed off their pretty DS High Rider Concept, showing what the imminent DS4 will look like.

Digesting the news… then spewing it out in 60 words

Pictures of Citroen’s new DS3-R leaked onto the internet, with rumours suggesting it’ll have a 200bhp 1.6l petrol engine and sub-7 sec 0-60 time. Toyota issued a recall of all mk3 Prius’s built before 27^th January 2010, to have a brake software update. And Vauxhall/Opal guvna Nick Reilly said he expects the company to be back in profit by 2012.

Digesting the news… then spewing it out in 60 words

Virgin Racing unveiled their VR-01 F1 car, although not with the online digital extravaganza they’d hoped for because of technical difficulties. Which bodes well. Peugeot invoked unanimous disappointment with their new £14,695 207 S16, which only has 120bhp but loads of stickers. And Kia released pictures of their dashingly handsome Sportage, which will go on sale this September from £15,500.

Digesting the news… then spewing it out in 60 words

Mercedes announced pricing and details for their massive E-Class estate – prices from £29,785, a boot of 1,950 litres, up to 49.6mpg and AdBlue on the E350 BlueTec diesel. Red Bull released a snazzy video of Sebastian Buemi driving on ice in Canada, to celebrate F1’s return to the country. And there were some rumours of Citroen making a DS3 hot hatch.

Owners of the last shape Mazda3 MPS spent just as much time defending their cars against cynical mates as they did driving them. Banging on about the 256bhp power output, 6.1 second 0-62mph time and 155mph top speed, they were adamant that because it had better stats than a Golf GTi, the MPS was a better car. Sadly, their mates knew otherwise. The old car looked bland, felt synthetic and squirmed its power away with embarrassingly premature wheelspin. So, perhaps this new one can redress the balance and give its owners some more sophisticated grounds to argue on.

Encouragingly, all the key numbers have stayed exactly the same. Power, acceleration and top speed benchmarks are all identical to the last one, from the same 2.3 litre turbocharged four cylinder engine. All the work has gone into making it lighter and more rigid. So, in not worrying about making it look more impressive on paper, have Mazda made it more impressive on tarmac?

Being based on the current Focus, it’s got a crisp balance, a well-judged blend between roll control and pliancy, and decently chatty steering. It feels better resolved, more sophisticated and smarter than the last one – but it’s still not as accomplished as a Megane, Golf or Focus hotty. The better ride and awesome speed do mean we’d have an MPS over a Civic Type-R though.

And there’s still no getting away from the insanity going on at the front wheels. Any camber, rut or grease will be sniffed out and followed like a hunting hound to fox piss. On dry country roads it’s fun chasing the car down the route it wants to take, but on anything damp it’s a pain – even on what look like straight roads, you’ll be tugging against the torque as the boost comes in at 2,500rpm. Despite having limited torque output in first and second gears, and despite an LSD and torque-sensing software that adjusts the grunt depending on your steering inputs, it too often shows exactly why Ford invented Revoknuckle.

But the new MPS doesn’t rely on paper stats anywhere near as heavily as the previous car – despite the common faults, it comes closer to feeling like a well-rounded, controllable and dynamically talented hot hatch than before. Add an enormous kit list with parking sensors, bi-xenon lights, a cracking Bose hi-fi, leather everything and sat nav to a low £21,500 price and it starts to look like a sensible buy. The looks, even though it’s only available in practical but uncool 5dr, finally do the frenetic power delivery justice.

So, while even new MPS owners will need to defend their car to their mates, they’ll be able to put up a much stronger argument. It’s still no class leader, but offers incredible value, is incredibly quick and  much of the time frantic fun. If you’re the type who likes to end an argument with an arm wrestle, it could be just what you’re looking for.

Digesting the news… then spewing it out in 60 words

GM announced 9,000 jobs cuts across Europe – 60% will come from Germany, with the rest spread between the UK, Belgium, Spain and Poland. Mercedes and Renault announced that they’re working together to produce a rear-engined city car platform, ready by 2013. Renault also revealed the Gordini Twingo Renaultsport, the first of a range of specials reviving the historic Gordini name.

If you’re like us, you’ll have a habit of equating hot hatches with various genres of dance. The art of choreographed leaping shares a lot with the art of making shopping cars go quickly: an appreciation of rhythm; the visceral sense of power; the demand for agility… and, if you’re really doing it right, an emotional twinge. So, lets find out what the Ibiza Cupra Bocanegra is dancing to.

Could it be ballet? The daintiest and most technically nuanced discipline, mastered by the Seat’s Renaultsport Clio 200 rival. Warming up in pink tights, the Ibiza looks good – at £16,695 it’s a few hundred quid cheaper than the Clio, even after the £700 face-job of this Bocanegra edition. It looks meaner as it enters the dance floor too… but a flat-footed plie reveals an early unwillingness to ping around on Clio tippy toes. It looks nervous.

After some perseverance, the Ibiza livens up – but never quite matches the Renault’s dainty flair. The chassis has fallen victim to its own uptight stiffness; there’s so much rigidity that it can’t show off with the fluid rhythm of the quick Clio. Despite an electronic diff controlling the footwork, it ain’t no ballerina. Far too hard for all that flouncing about.

So, seeing as it’s too rigid for ballet, does it prefer a more regimented line dance? Thankfully not – it’s got too much energy. With a super- and turbo-charger strapped onto the little 1.4, the 178bhp Ibiza is an addictively meaty dance partner, with 184lb ft of torque twisting your hips from just 2,000rpm. It’s muscly, grunty and keen – a 7.2 second 0-62mph time is too quick for line dancing, so let’s move on before a biddy has a heart attack and spoils it for everyone.

Flamenco? A bit of gregarious hand-clapping and shouting seems right up the Ibiza’s street, and not just for lazy Spanish metaphors. While a Clio 200 would sneer at the castanets and nylon strung guitars for not being highbrow enough, the Ibiza is happy to get stuck in, grabbing you by the shirt frills and plying you with sangria. Tune into the dance and you’ll note the tactile steering and grinning enthusiasm as it sticks to the floor with grippy dancing shoes.

But still, even flamenco’s not quite right… there’s too much precision from the DSG gearbox – it wants to dance to something tighter. The double clutch system perfectly choreographs the Ibiza’s routine – whether in flappy paddle manual or subtle auto, there’s a chunky momentum to progress as everything works together and draws you in. The meaty sound, torquey pull and tactile steering make it feel like a mini-Scirocco. A proper grown-up.

And it’s the visceral, grunty nod to the Scirocco school of dance that reveals what the Cupra has been thumping along to all night. It might not be the most refined or dainty discipline – but balls to the bloody ballet. The Ibiza is having a laugh on a West End stage, banging bin lids and smacking broomsticks in shouty unison – the Cupra Bocanegra is dancing to the hard, visceral and addictive… Stomp the Musical.

Digesting the news… then spewing it out in 60 words

VW’s tactic of buying every car maker in the world finally paid off, as they officially overtook Toyota as the world’s largest manufacturer. Peugeot doubled the value of their last decent hot hatch, the 306 GTI-6, by announcing they’ll never make a GTI again. And Ariel ‘did a Lexus’ by pricing their new Atom V8 at £120k for Spring 2010.

Vans. You probably think they’re just for plumbers, coppers and kidnappers – but that might not be the case. We’ve got a hunch that they’re hiding some tremendous track-day potential. Think about it. Some of them, like the Punto-derived Fiat Fiorino we’ve spent a week in, are based on squirty little superminis, and have already had the hard part of track preparation done. They could be the ultimate stripped out, two seat, VAT free track-weapons.

But, we could be wrong… maybe they’re just rattly, flimsy, underpowered cart-horses. To find out, we’re twin-testing the Fiat Fiorino 1.3 Multijet diesel van against our favourite track-ready hot hatch car – the recently departed Renault Megane R26.R. Just out of curiosity really. You never know, we might unearth a miracle. So, let’s begin.

Price + Spec

The first step in buying a track-car is deciding how much you can spend, and what you want for your money. In producing the R26.R, Renault stripped the air con, CD player, back seats and sound deadening from a normal R26 and replaced a lot of the glass with Perspex – spec wise, it’s thread bare. And so is the Fiorino. The evolution from Punto to Fiorino has seen similar kit chucked out, but crucially, you still get a CD player – and no matter how focused you are, a road car needs a stereo. For that reason, as well as the fact that the Fiat costs less than half the Renault’s £23k, the Fiorino wins.

Handling + Performance

Again the Fiorino impresses, being 130kg lighter than the Megane. It’s also free from ESP constraints, having nothing more than a throttle pedal and skinny Pirellis applying horse to course. The Punto chassis is well balanced, and without any weight over the back wheels is delighted to offer some three wheeled tail shimmying around squirmy little hairpins. Unladen, it’s a bouncy affair, but it’s a tight, responsive bounce instead of a loose springy one, so we won’t complain. We will moan however about the lack of steering feel and the weediness of the 75 bhp 1.3 litre turbo-diesel engine.

The Megane R26.R shares the Fiorino’s balance, agility and willingness to shimmy round hairpins, but adds an infinitely bigger dose of slap and tickle, with more power and a lot more feel. The slap comes from the standard R26’s 226bhp turbocharged two litre four pot, which whooshes and screams through the barely insulated cabin. It’s a noise unique to the R26.R – get past 4,000rpm and you’ll swear a Ghostbuster is sucking up baddies through the titanium exhaust. Frightening and tremendous – possibly the weirdest, brilliantest noise to come from a four cylinder car.

But the tickle far outweighs the slap. With the optional roll-cage and sticky Toyo track tyres, the R26.R is as agile as a kitten in a hot bath; turn in, grip, feedback and all the other things track cars should do well are top of the class. Perhaps the steering is a little too light, perhaps the gear-change too closely related to a mum’s Megane, but let’s be honest – it’s tighter to drive than a Focus RS, so it’s miles better than a van.

Practicality + Ownership

This is where the Fiorino does rather well. While both machnes are lacking rear seats, they deal with the problem in different ways. The Megane refuses to raise a smile about the situation, remaining intensely focused on the track-day task in hand. Welded across the back is a full roll cage, which takes up the whole of the boot. What you gain in rigidity, you lose in not being able to take a spare set of tyres to the track.

In the Fiorino however, all the space is given over to track-day essentials like wheels, oil, cambelts and brake discs. The R26.R might think it’s a track car for the road, but you’ll be buggered if you try and drive it home on threadbare tyres after a hard session. The Fiat? It might not be quite as much fun when you’re there, but at least you won’t be stranded at Castle Combe on a rainy Sunday.

Conclusion

So, there you have it. The Fiat Fiorino 1.3 Multijet diesel is a better overall track-day proposition than the Renault Megane R26.R. It’s cheaper to buy, easier to exploit and more practical to run. Which makes it perfect.

Except obviously that’s all bollocks. Because a track-day car should be marriage wreckingly expensive. It should be near impossible to explore the limits of, and so impractical that every minute that isn’t spent clipping apexes and hitting rumble-strips feels like a life sentence in stupidity. You don’t get oily hands, calloused fingers and a stiff neck from a van. If you can get a flat pack Ikea bed in the back of your track car, it doesn’t matter how good you think it handles, you’re just not doing it properly. In fact, get off the computer and go and buy a Caterham.