HIT – Lamborghini Aventador

A V12, 700hp supercar with a shape and details that can only have come from the mind of a hyperactive child on an Ribena drip. 0-62 in 2.9 seconds. A fantastic lunatic.

MISS – Skoda Vision D

Hmmm. Don’t get cocky, Skoda. Don’t blow your chance to run with your ‘People’s Champion’ baton. As well as revealing their new rather stern looking logo, Skoda showed off this equally stern, cold and featureless Octavia sized thing. Doesn’t look like as friendly or happy as the Skodas we’ve grown to love.

HIT – Alfa Romeo 4c

A horny looking coupe, which seemed to be painted in crushed red velvet. Likely to cost £40k and do a sub-5 second 0-62 bolt, it sounds like a TT and Cayman rival – but can Alfa really put together a tight enough drivetrain and chassis to even get near to the mark? Nah. Looks nice though.

MISS – Jaguar XKR-S

Yes, with 542bhp it does have more power than an Aston Martin V12 Vantage… but there’s no disguising the fact that the XK is ancient. A186mph top speed is enormously fast, but give the old girl some dignity. And by dignity we don’t mean a stupid paint job and fussy splitters.

HIT – Ford B-Max

A Fiesta sized mini-MPV with sliding doors and a range of turbocharged tiny engines? Without the overly fussy face of the Focus and the still slightly too Nursing Home friendly vibe of the C-Max? Yes please and thank you. On sale from next year… just don’t mention the word ‘Fusion’

MISS – Subaru Impreza Concept

Oh. Most people didn’t notice this appear at the LA show in November last year. Even less people will have noticed it at Geneva. How long can Subaru keep going?

HIT – Renault Captur

You’d never guess that Nissan and Renault are the best of friends. One has the Juke and the Qashqai, and the other has a Koleos. This ballsy, Juke sized Captur shows that Renault at least have ambitions of closing the style/desirability gap to their Nissan chums.

MISS – Aston Martin Virage

Evolution is a good thing. Part-sharing also fine. But Aston’s ‘new’ Virage, which features the same V12 and same chassis as the rest of their cars is a step too far. As a facelifted DB9, the Virage would be awesome – as a brand new car, it’s a disappointment.

HIT – Ferrari FF

Yes, we’ve seen the pictures already… but look how big the boot is! And it’s not some achingly clever hybrid, it’s just a hulking great 4WD chest wig with a V12 up front. Just so Ferrari’s customers can go skiing. Awesome.

MISS – Toyota FT-86 II

The thought of a rear wheel drive Scirocco rival is exciting. But Toyota have teased us with that thought for so long now that it’s now become boring. And it looks messier than a branch of WHSmith. After a robbery.

STILL NOT SURE – Pagani Huayra

The Huayra should leave us in awe. Reeling at its other-worldly face. But it still hasn’t… does that make it underwhelming? Does that suggest it’s going to be timeless? Nobody knows. But next to an Aventador, it looks like a miserable fish. Judgement is being reserved until we see it for real.

Rhythm method fans rejoice! Volkswagen have birthed a new version of their 7 seat Sharan – and it’s better than ever! Auto Exclamation are the first in the world to drive it to a specific car park in Birmingham, and we’ve got exclusive renderings of exactly what it looks like there! It’s like this!

The headline about this car-creche is that it now comes with sliding doors! Compared to the last model’s old-fashioned apertures, these openings are super simple – they slide back and forth with all the ease of a fertile father’s clammy arse! And the greasy weasel door-holes aren’t the only reason the Sharan scores!

Fancy moving the rear-most seats about but don’t want to slip a disc? In some MPVs that’s a tall order… but the Sharan’s got your back! Its new EasyFold seating system is the best around, with the rear two seats shrinking down and rising up again like they’ve been spiked with tiny blue pills! These seat erections are the most impressive around!

And there’s more good news! If you expected the Sharan to have the noisy finesse of Mothercare on a Saturday, you’ll be pleasantly surprised – Volkswagen’s boffins have made it posh as well as practical!

The Sharan’s ride is soft, noise from the frugal 2.0 turbodiesel engine is low and even the best baby monitors would struggle to pick up any gurgles from the wind or tyres! The sprats’ll have no trouble sleeping in the back! Shame they won’t bloody sleep at bedtime because of it, isn’t that right mums!

So, any reasons not to fall in love with Sharan? Well, just one! She’s got a cut-price Spanish twin who isn’t named after a woman from Essex! It’s the SEAT Alhambra! With identical engines and gearboxes – inlcuding an excellent double-clutch system – as well as the same seats and sliding doors, the saucy Spaniard has all the VW’s best bits… for a smaller price tag! While our mid-spec Sharan costs £26,965, the same Alhambra costs £25,805!

But the badge on the pram is worth a lot – McLaren even make a supercar to prove the point! And that’s why we recommend the Volkswagen Sharan without hesitation! If you want your babies to understand life, you need to show them that grown-ups are silly enough to spend £1,000 on a posh badge! After all, what would you want to be seen in – Matalan or Mamas & Papas?! Exactly!

Spent some time in the brand new ‘global’ Micra recently – a car Nissan will sell in 160 countries across the world. In place of a traditional road test, may we introduce the second in our fledgling series of ‘Review… in a Limerick’.

The global Micra won’t make you giddy

And its styling won’t please the kiddies

But with soft springs, space and kit

It’s not completely shit

Suppose it’ll do for old biddies

Don’t quite understand why ‘global’ means ‘bland’, especially when the excellent Fiesta is equally global but incredibly enjoyable. You do get a thorough splat of equipment, but the nobs and blueteeth are just distractions that keep the price frighteningly close to the Ford’s – we reckon it’d make more sense with fewer gadgets and a cheap as chips, Lidl-spec price tag.

Geek Table

Price: £9,250 – £12,350
Engine: 1.2l 3-cylinder
Power: 79bhp @ 6,000rpm
Torque: 81lb ft @ 4,000rpm
Combined mpg (claimed): 56.5
CO2 emissions (claimed): 115
0-62mph: 13.7 secs
Top speed: 106mph

It’s a well documented fact that rockstars are just caricatures of children. Bad tempered, impatient and feisty little bastards with a love of noisy parties, fizzy drinks and eye-watering sherbet. Sometimes they even shit themselves.

So to find out if the Mazda5 MPV is any good, we’ll judge it by the criteria a rockstar would use when buying a tour bus. If it’s good enough for them, it’ll certainly be OK for kids.

Is it cheap enough to avoid denting the prostitute fund?

Yes. Even the most expensive Mazda5 costs just £21,950 and offers such privileges as electrically operated doors (to minimise erosion to the guitarist’s hands), leather furniture (which can be wiped clean of incriminating substances) and a 6CD changer (to accommodate every volume of that not-at-all-indulgent live album).

Running costs are kept to a minimum with the option of a diesel-powered version that should travel for over 50 miles on each gallon of fuel.

Will it function as an impromptu party venue?

Almost certainly. There are drinks holders for even large beverages, trays for preparing pharmaceutical extravagances, cubby holes for storing herbal remedies and armrests for those who prefer to sit back and pass out. A DJ can even plug his decks directly into the Mazda5’s sound system using the handy audio input.

Is there room for a pair of midgets in tuxedos?

Of course. The Mazda5 has two pop-up rear seats that are perfect for humans of more modest proportions. These seats could be used by two midgets, or perhaps by Prince and his guitar. Behind the seats, Mazda have provided ample room for storing tuxedos and other formal wear, with spare space for any mirrors, razor blades or rolled up banknotes that the midgets might be carrying.

Is it discreet enough to sneak out the stage door unnoticed?

Possibly not. The Mazda5 was styled by Mazda’s recently departed pencil wielder Laurens van den Acker, who seemed to be a massive fan of wavy lines. The front is plain and the rear as unwieldy as any 7-seat van, but the sides are a panel beater’s nightmare that might inspire a few unwanted glares. Happily, privacy glass is available for rear-seat passengers.

If the shit hits the fan, will it outrun the cops?

It depends on the road. Around corners, the Mazda5 grips well and demonstrates all the agility of a well greased groupy, but it is not a machine designed for straight line speed. The fastest model takes 11 seconds to reach the national speed limit, while the slowest takes 13.7. No models in the range can travel faster than 120mph – a speed that’s easily matched by a cop in a Mondeo.

So, should the band buy one?

Unless the swoopy styling knocks the drummer’s mind out of time, it’s hard to argue against it. The Mazda5 demands little from the band’s account and provides all the space and wipe-clean practicality that even the most debauched rockstar parties could need. It’s just a shame the engines can’t be turned up to 11.

It’s the time of year when the world’s men-folk indulge in one of their Top 5 Favourite Activities – making and reading lists. So as a Christmas present to you loyal reader(s), we’re going to write a list all of our own. Lady and Man, we present The Top Five Cars We’ve Driven in 2010.

5. Mitsubishi Evo X FQ400

When we bagged the keys to Mitsubishi’s window-licking hyper-saloon, we were immediately stunned. This wasn’t just a creaky jap-box being kept alive with a huge iron lung of a turbo, but an incredibly well set-up and easy to drive weapon. Even in the hands of ham-fisted amateurs like ourselves, it danced, whooshed, raced and destroyed. Simultaneously flattering and brutal.

Yes it looks daft, has a tacky interior, costs £50k and won’t do 20mpg – but that’s why it’s only at number 5. For being brilliant as well as preposterous, the Fahk-You-400 makes the list.
Read our original review here.

4. Citroen DS3

Not long ago, Citroen showrooms resembled branches of Lidl – cheap stock piled high to shift quick. To mums and dads after a bargain C4 Picasso, it was great. But everybody else wanted to shop in Waitrose. Which is where the DS3 came in.

Suddenly, Citroen had a posh little car that was genuinely desirable instead of apologetically affordable. The styling was sharp and different, the engines were consistently strong and even the chassis could flick its skirt like a saucy French maid. To our senses, it doesn’t quite match the dynamic ability of a Mini… but in every other respect, it’s better. One of very few new cars we’d actually buy with real-life monies.

Read our original review here.

3. Skoda Superb Estate

The car that took Skoda from plucky underdog to class-leader. While the previous Superb never quite had the gumption to live up to its name, this one wears it with pride. You know the bullied kid at school who goes away for a year, comes back buff and kicks the giblets out of everyone? That’s the Superb. Only it’s far less angry.

Priced from less than £18k, you get the second biggest boot of any estate car in the UK (only beaten by the Merc E-Class), a faultless interior, the best of VW’s current engines and more rear leg-room than anything this side of a Rolls Phantom. It ticks boxes that don’t even exist. There’s even a brolly in the door.
Read our original review here.

2. Honda CR-Z

Shock! ‘The World’s First Sporty Hybrid’© actually is! But strangely, most of its endearing features have little to do with the combination of electricity and combustion under its skin. What stands out for us is the design and engineering that have gone into making it fun to drive.

A snicky six speed manual gearbox. A rorty-on-request exhaust note. Beautifully judged spring and damper settings. A sci-fi-tastic digital hub of a dashboard. Grip and balance that are tweakable on the road. An 80s wedge shape that also nods to the obligatory eco-car steam iron aesthetic. A super-strong chassis with the torsional rigidity of a Civic Type-R. The CR-Z is an incredibly well resolved little car. That it’s cheaper than a Scirocco, C-Charge exempt, costs peanuts to tax and is as economical as a stodgy diesel is a bonus.
Read our original review here.

1. Ford Focus RS500

By far the most memorable car we’ve driven this year, and not just because we drove 800 miles in 24 hours. It’s impossible to imagine how the RS500 shovels on speed until you’ve driven one – we’d swear that only an M3 or 911 Carrera upwards would be able pull away. Extra brownie points are awarded for its ability to achieve such fierce levels of acceleration while maintaining the standard RS’s gloriously granular steering and sweetly weighted controls.

The RS500 is a heart-on-the-sleeve working class hero… it’s carrying a bunch of flowers while beating someone up with beer barrel biceps. How Ford made a £35,000, FWD, 345bhp hatchback quite so appealing is a mystery. But they have.

And there’s a bigger reason to pay respect too. The RS500 marks the end of an era for all the gloriously kinky cars that are being killed because they don’t meet the Euro V emissions regulations: Mazda RX-8, Honda Civic Type-R, VW V10 TDI Touareg and Alfa Romeo 3.2 V6 – it’s a swan song for all of them. Instead of seeming like an over-specced Essex spacker-hatch designed to make some chavs have a wank, it feels like a little chunk of automotive history. It’s etched into our minds… there’s just something about it that gives it an air of importance. A moment in time.

So while Ford could have given the bonkers Focus RS a bolt-gun to the head and packed it off quietly, they didn’t. They made it more powerful, more expensive and more memorable – and that’s why it’s top of the list. Respeck.

Read our original review here.

The art of disappearing is one of the most impressive talents a car can possess. It only happens in machines that allow the actions and sensations of driving to merge into a cohesive brainwash of seamless motion. When you stop thinking about what your limbs are doing, stop noticing any one part of a car’s behaviour and start to feel like you’re moving of your own accord.

Most cars can’t do it. My Rover 75 has too much body inertia to disappear – its top half feels like it’s being left behind by the bottom. My MX-5 can’t do it either, because the scuttle shake makes you constantly check that the windscreen is still attached.

The last car I drove that disappeared on a regular basis was actually a Ford Puma; the steering, brakes, chassis and gearchange were cut from the same neatly stitched cloth. The feedback from every control was engineered by an over-arching Lord of Matching Tactility.

I’ve just discovered that the brand new Suzuki Swift can disappear too. Sounds like an amazing talent for a humble shopping car, but its granny-pleasing clarity of purpose is actually key.

As it’s designed to be controlled by arthritic wrists, swollen ankles and emaciated biceps, every aspect of the Swift is light. And, either through coincidence or clever engineering, the lightness of every control is perfectly matched. This allows driving it to become one act of simple subconscious control… it means the car can disappear. But that doesn’t make it boring.

Far from it – because there’s an incredibly consistent mechanical tactility under the lightness too. Everything you touch with your feet, hands or bum has a sugary granularity to it, like a cupcake dusted with icing sugar. As with the Puma, the steering, gearchange, brakes and chassis are all sliced from the same sweet pie. It’s not got the most steering feel or the best handling of any supermini, but its array of dynamic traits are so well matched that they all work in perfect harmony and… disappear.

If you’re a gran, the Swift’s ability to simplify the act of driving to the point of invisibility will suit you perfectly. And if you’re a closet-racer, you’ll enjoy hours of intense driving pleasure as its dynamic elements gel into one seamless act and then… disappear.

So, the Swift is not only one of the simplest cars I’ve driven for ages, but also one of the most satisfying. It’s cheaper than a Fiesta too.

Accidental Fart

Ironed Socks

To many, the lasting memory of Paris 2010 will be of Naomi Campbell vacantly smiling at a Lotus Esprit like it was a child with one eye. Baffled, almost sympathetic – but generally indifferent. To us though, even the A-list weirdness of new-era Lotus is forgettable. What’s clinging to the inside of our skulls is driving there and back in a Focus RS500. The big black Ford is a horrendous bastard of the highest order… and it’s totally fucking brilliant.

But also tinged with sadness. Dressed entirely in black, the RS500 mourns the demise of the Focus RS and its gargling baritone of a five-cylinder engine. For a mainstream model, the RS was actually pretty controversial. ‘Pah! It won’t be able to handle the power! The torque steer will give you tennis elbow!’ yelped car fans with sheltered lives; ‘it’ll amputate your arms and storm off into a ditch’ they continued, ignorantly. And that was just about the standard 300bhp car. The RS500 has another 45bhp, not to mention 15lb ft more torque. Only 500 will be made and it costs an almost unbelievable £35,000. Yet it’s still brill.

Picture the scene. You’re at Beaconsfield services, in the rain, at 11pm and all you want to do is reach a warm bed in Maidstone. Car brimmed, you approach the M25 entry slip. Because you’re bored, not to mention curious about how 345bhp could possibly be applied to damp tarmac via two front wheels, you check the mirrors and stop, right at the start of he slip road. Then, with traction control optimistically switched off, you nail the best getaway possible. Like you’ve just robbed a Post Office.

Bwaaarpp-ba-ba… tsshh… Bwaaaaaaaaarrpp… tsssh… bwaaaaaaaaaaaaarp… you’re doing the speed limit. 0-62 in 5.4 seconds. Apart from the judder of axle tramp (which incidentally, is no worse here than in a DSG equipped Golf GTI), and a swerve through the lorry ruts it happens cleanly, smartly and without a hernia. Of course, just like even a rear wheel drive car with over 300bhp, you can’t just hoof the throttle and slam the clutch without ultimately looking like a bit of a tit – but the RS500’s extra turbo boost, bigger fuel pump and fatter exhausts haven’t made it undriveable.

What they have done is make it disgustingly quick. Through 3rd, 4th and 5th, it’s M3 fast. Unhinged, nobs turned up to 11, laugh out loud even on the M20 at midnight fast. Its stability is phenomenal too. While at town speeds the steering could benefit from a quicker rack, at velocities where the RS500 beggars belief, it’s perfect.

Micro-adjustments in the fast lane are second nature. You never actually consider how much input the steering needs to change lane or tackle a sweeping bend, you just turn the wheel and it moves instantly and gracefully. No twitching, no nervousness, no delay – just great steering with a natural feel.

When you get off the motorway and stop marvelling at the speed, steering and stability, the RS500 shows off its talent as an urban magnet for admiration, camera phones and ‘rev it’ hand gestures… even from surly Parisians. We parked it right in front of the Eiffel Tower and a tourist actually asked to have his picture taken next to the car instead of the iconic French landmark.

Through the horrendous jam that is La Peripherique, it’s just as easy to drive as a standard RS, which in turn is just as forgiving as any other Focus on sale. A light clutch, progressive brakes and lots of windows to see out of. It even treats you to parking sensors and a reversing camera, to help avoid scuffing the matt black wrap when parking at the Porte de Versailles.

Then a motorshow happened. Lamborghini released a fake car we thought would be real. Porsche showed a car with spinal curvature. Ferrari took the roof off a 599. Jaguar made the world’s first fictional hybrid with jet turbines. Ford showed off a four cylinder Focus ST that makes the RS500 look even more special. And Brian May made five very similar looking new cars from Lotus all smell off hairspray. After all that, it was time to drive back. Paris back to Brum.

Most of the return journey was a blur – but we can’t talk about it for legal reasons. Some toll booths. Darkness. 20mpg. Driving from full to empty without stopping. A tunnel. A game of Angry Birds. The M20. A panini. The M25. The M40. The M6. And then, coming off a junction early for Birmingham at 1:30am. Brilliant.

If you ever drive to the middle of Birmingham from junction 5 of the M6, you might have already discovered the series of roundabouts that start at Castle Bromwich, go past Fort Shopping Park, through Nechells and into the City centre. If you’re a cock with a Saxo, you’ll already go there every Sunday night to compare neon lights with your dickhead mates. These are the best urban roundabouts in the country… and at 1:30am there’s nobody else to bother you.

First, you’re forced to stand on the brakes as you hit the left-hand exit slip-road towards lights that are always red. Sit. Wait. Then tackle the wide roundabout, right at the top of second gear. Half throttle pulls a tight line, 3/4 throttle forces the front wide with inside wheel scrabbling. Take the third exit, grabbing third gear after the apex. Heading back under the M6 now, towards the Spitfire roundabout and Jaguar plant… there’s a tight left after the hill has crested. If you don’t know it’s there, you best phone the paint shop.

Take it in second, again finding the inside wheel’s traction point and breaking it just for fun. Now a blat to the top of third as you pass Fort Dunlop. The wall is high to your left, and the car sounds frightening and awesome. Straight over the next roundabout at the Bentley dealer, in third. Up the hill, hoping the lights at the next roundabout are green. They are. Entering with a slither of brake pressure, the back is firmly tied down… jolt on some more lock, feather the throttle, lift off to try and provoke some tail swinging action – but the RS500 is having none of it.

The next roundabout is on the crest of a hill, and a very easy one to get violently wrong – as we came very close to experiencing in an R33 Skyline GT-R last year. Full throttle would see any car crash… so we give it as much as we dare and it sticks. Change direction quickly to take the exit, the front snuffling for grip as wet tarmac turns into rough, damp concrete. Grip increased, the throttle touches floor mat for just long enough to see third gear… and a speed camera. Brakes on, fun over. The last trickle into the city is taken with a heart rate far quicker than our speed.

Yes, a normal RS could have covered the ground very nearly as quickly and would have required less concentration to do so. But the times where the RS500’s massive power is a glorious pleasure far outweigh the occasions where it’s unusable or a burden. It’s expensive, ridiculous, tacky, does less than 30mpg and looks like the type of character who’d draw a cock and balls on a gravestone. But that’s exactly what it should be – a tribute to the RS, with a personality that’s a caricature of what makes that car so great. The RS500 is the naughtiest epitaph ever written.

Let’s get the obvious out of the way with first. Skoda haven’t made a rubbish car for a decade, and the Superb name is neither new or inaccurate, so don’t scoff at that either. Alright? Good. Now we can get on.

Based on last year’s all new saloon, this is the first ever Superb Estate – and it’s proper, genuinely, 100% totally bloody amazing. Not in a ‘oh yeah… that Skoda’s really brilliant… I mean, ha, fancy Skoda making a good car’ way. Not in a ‘I suppose it’s an impressive achievement considering its price’ way either. But in a ‘Shit. Really. Where an earth did that come from? Wow’ way. If you want an analogy, this is their iPhone – a product that does absolutely everything, redefining the brand all over again.

Seeing as sycophantic reviews always sound rubbish, we’ll stay factual, measured and objective… and being as it’s an estate, we’ll start with the boot. The Superb’s rear measures 633 litres with the seats up and 1865 litres with the seats down – massive. But unless you frequently carry around fresh air or litre bottles of water, that’s all meaningless. So have some reference points:

Volvo’s biggest current estate is the V70 – with the seats up it’s got a 575 litre boot, rising to 1600 when they’re down. So the Superb Estate has a bigger boot than the biggest Volvo. Fact. That also makes it bigger than an A6 Avant, new BMW 5 Touring, Ford Mondeo Estate, Vauxhall Insignia Sports Tourer and VW Passat Estate. In fact, the only estate on sale today with a bigger boot is the new Mercedes E-Class.

So we’ll use the big-E as a reference point for price, interior quality and equipment – a Mercedes is a tough benchmark for a Skoda to match after all. The cheapest Superb Estate is the 1.4 TSI at £18k, rising to the most expensive £30k 3.6 V6. The very cheapest E-Class Estate is also £30k, in the shape of the E200 CGI 4-cyl petrol. A handy comparison.

The interior of the Skoda is better to look at, nicer to touch and more intuitive to use than the Merc’s. Less tacky, better damped, more ergonomic. There’s more kit in it too, including the best touch screen entertainment system of any car on sale anywhere, standard fit sat nav and the flawless DSG gearbox from VW. If you want sat nav and auto in the Merc, you’ll need to spend another £2,500.

But you still won’t have the Skoda’s performance – the V6 has 260bhp and cracks 62mph in just 6.6 seconds. Through the gears, using the massive 258lb ft hunk of torque that’s spread right across the middle of the rev range, you’ll outrun most hot hatches that bother to try. The £30k Merc is 80bhp and 60lb ft down as well as two seconds slower to 62mph… a Merc with similar performance and similar kit costs over £40k. Crikey.

Of course though, you’d be a little mad to buy a brand new V6 car with an mpg figure in the 20s when petrol costs £1.20 a litre. As quick as it might be, it’s not worth the pleasure. What you should really get is the sensible 140bhp diesel which, even when you’ve added the DSG box, costs less than £25k in top-spec Elegance trim.

With the double clutch set-up, the diesel Superb is just as smooth as the V6, barely noisier, cracks 60mph in 10 secs and is still effortlessly torquey – but it’s quoted at 51.4mpg combined. The most economical, cheapest Merc estate diesel is over £6,000 more expensive, 5mpg worse off and only 1 second quicker to 62mph. Its auto box isn’t as smooth as the Skoda’s automated manual either.

Bored of the praise yet? Sorry. It’s nearly over. We’re labouring the point just to make sure you don’t under-estimate quite how brilliant the Skoda is. The E-Class Estate hasn’t been used because it’s an easy benchmark to beat and prove a point – it’s been used because it’s currently the best premium estate on sale, and because it therefore gets the closest to matching the Skoda’s ginormous spread of talent.

So, bad points then. Erm… literally? No. Space, refinement, speed, price, economy, ergonomics, equipment, quality and even styling are all beyond criticism. This is a real second coming for Skoda. After the revelation at the beginning of the last decade that they can make cars as good as anyone else, they’ve now gone and shown that they can actually make cars better than anyone else.

If you can think of another estate that can do everything the Superb does, please let us know. If not, then let’s all form a loyal band of disciples and worship the new Messiah of Estates. If Apple geeks can call the iPhone the Jesus phone, can’t us car geeks call the Superb Estate the Jesus car? You don’t get a brolly in the door of an iPhone anyway.

Nissan have announced prices for their brilliantly gawky Sonia Jackson look-a-like, the Juke. And while the looks split opinion like Cassidy splits mirrors, we want one even more than we did before. The range starts at a Fiesta scaring £12,795, which gets you a 1.6 petrol engine, 16″ alloys and air con alongside the bag-of-smashed-crabs face.

The model your brain will tell you to want is the middling £15,145 1.5 dCi Acenta, where you get climate control, Bluetooth, a USB hole and 17″ rims. The model your heart will want is the top of the range, £19,995 190hp turbocharged 1.6 with four wheel drive. Best compromise is probably the turbo charged engine in 2WD form, which costs from £15,595. Less than £16k for a mad looking, British built odd-box with 190hp? Yes please.

Reasons for not buying a Juke are the excellent Skoda Yeti – a touch pricey and bland by comparison, and the agile Fiesta – on the nose for price, but smaller. So, while the face may have a whiff of sausagemeat Cassidy to it, we reckon it’s an interesting, good value, decently equipped wedge of geometric spunkiness. Nissan will take deposits from June, with deliveries starting in September. Like.

Boiled Sweets

Digesting the news… then spewing it out in 60 words

Rumours that Porsche are planning to build a Panamera Convertible returned with reasonable roots in reality, as some patent drawings were leaked onto the interweb. Mitsubishi announced that they’re closing their motorsport rally tuning nutbag department Ralliart, endangering the Evo’s future. And Ford announced they’re adding a Sport+ model to the Fiesta range, with jazzified styling but no extra poke.

Geneva 2010 was a cracking show for actual cars that human people will soon be driving in the real world. So good in fact, that we’ve had to make a list just so you can take it all in. We’ve supplemented our shitty iPhone snaps with press pics to help you see too.

Nissan Juke

Yeah yeah, it’s just a small crossover… but look at it. The Juke is proper mental. Nissan have already proved their ability to judge what people want to buy when they released the Qashqai – it appealed to everyone from Focus to 4×4 to Mondeo buyers.

The Juke is going to slot under the Qashqai when it goes on sale in October at around £13k. And don’t forget that these days, that’s the price of a mid-spec Fiesta or Polo, so there’s every chance that the Juke could ‘do a Qashqai’ to the supermini market. Seeing as it’s being built in Sunderland by the good men of the North, hopefully it’ll do well.

Citroen DS3 Racing

All of Citroen’s new cars were actually bloody interesting – but amongst the fictional concepts, the DS3 Racing was the quiet star. When was the last time Citroen made a car that made you want to drive it? We can’t remember either.

Despite the fact they’ve been building up a cracking rally reputation for a good few years, Citroen have taken a while to cash in on it – which is what the DS3 Racing comes in, being tweaked by the same chaps that build Loeb’s company car. It’s got a 200bhp 1.6 Turbo, wider track, stiffened and lowered suspension and twiddled ECU to make it quick… probably quick enough to hit 60mph in less than 7 seconds.

It’ll go on sale in the summer, and Citroen man didn’t disagree when we suggested it would cost just shy of £20k. Citroen man also told us that because only 1,000 will be made, the DS3R might not be available with the level of customisation found on the standard car – if they’re all grey and orange with the wheels of the show car, that won’t be a bad thing. It’s not just the Audi A1 that’s going to bother the Mini Cooper S.

Aston Martin Cygnet

In a radical move of assertion, we asked a man at Aston Martin if they were actually going to build the Toyota iQ based luxury city car – the man said ‘we are intending to produce the Cygnet before the end of the year’. He also commented how the chassis of the iQ will remain 100% intact as the Toyota becomes an Aston, without even changes to bushes, dampers or spring rates. The Aston Martin Cygnet will drive exactly like a Toyota iQ. Gosh

Prices are speculative at the moment, but Aston Martin didn’t dismiss us when we said we’d heard they’d start at £30k – Aston man also said it was more than likely that the car would initially be sold to current customers, with the aim to put it on general sale.

The interior of the show car wasn’t anywhere near to production finish, but the architecture and style reflected how the final car will look – and, to be honest, wasn’t impressive. While the outside of the car at least has a nod towards an Aston face with token styling cues, the architecture of the iQ interior remains – which simply doesn’t feel like enough effort to justify the extra cost over the Toyota. Final judgement has to wait until we’ve all seen a final car, but we’re more worried than ever that the Cygnet could really tarnish Aston’s good name.

Audi A1

Swiss motoring journalists couldn’t get enough of the little Audi, which shows just how subtly mature the well resolved styling is. It looks even smarter and well proportioned in the flesh with a stocky stance and beautiful headlight jewellery. Bizarrely, we stood staring at the A1 for longer than we did the Pagani Cinque Roadster.

We’ve always had a worry that the A1’s smart exterior could be let down by a less impressive, built to a price interior – but if the show car’s anything to go by, that won’t be a problem. While some of the materials and buttons weren’t quite as intricately damped as those in a bigger, pricier Audi it still had more than enough quality and tactility to make the starting price of £13k seem like ruddy good value.

Options will be key though – the daytime running lights, swooping roof line and smart wheels all need paying extra for, or the A1 will look drab and be worth nothing come resale. Bloody hell, what sensible advice. Goes on sale this Autumn.

Ford Focus

This could be the world’s biggest selling car when it goes on sale in the US, China and Europe next year. It’s fairly important. The styling of the outside was still raising eyebrows, with smart details like the triangular front grilles and funky fuel filler flap looking good, but perhaps one too many creases down the side and awkward rear lights. Shouldn’t every Focus ever have upright rear lights?

The interior is a much happier place – smart and premium looking, as well as being a lot more interesting than the current car. There were some rough edges on the pre-production show car, but the smart centre joystick and climate/radio layout already felt familiar and ergonomically sound. Nice leather dash top with bright yellow stitching all over too.

Perhaps more interestingly than the interior is the fact that Ford man told us that the next hot Focus, which won’t necessarily be called the RS, won’t come with a 5 cylinder engine as the current RS engine isn’t Euro V compliant so will be dropped. It was more than hinted that the top hot 2011 Focus would be running a 2.0 litre turbocharged four cylinder engine – perhaps a tuned version of the new car’s new Ecoboost motor. They’re already claiming that the new Focus is a sportier drive than any previous model, and that it’ll be even more of a revelation than the current Fiesta is. Which is good.

Last week, Ken Block Christened his new Ford Fiesta at the first round of the Rally America Championship in Michigan. And, even away from the carefully choreographed drift-a-thons of his YouTube airfield videos, he was impressive – finishing the first stage faster than anyone. Unfortunately, a ball-joint broke during the 7th stage preventing him from finishing the event as a whole.

Nonetheless, his kind sponsors did manage to upload a very watchable, real time video of his practice run – which you can watch right here.

When you’re part of a big family, hand-me-downs are a way of life. Your older brother’s school trousers, your dad’s tools, your uncle’s Haynes manuals, your 2nd cousin’s wife – the usual stuff. It’s a lot cheaper to recycle than buy new, which is why the VAG family have reused the previous Audi A4 to make the new Seat Exeo.

But it’s not just a straight recycling job – the Exeo has been given the automotive equivalent of taken up hems. Seat have tweaked the A4’s damper and spring settings, grafted on a new face that meets current crash regulations and used the VW Group’s new common rail diesel engines – in 118, 140 and 168bhp states of tune. There’s also the 2.0 TSI petrol engine that was in the previous A4.

And it does feel like a different car. Because the interior is lifted from the old A4 cabriolet, there’s at least the suggestion that you’re not sitting in an old Audi saloon. It might not be gleamingly modern, and it still suffers the cramped back seats of the A4, but the precision and quality of the controls prevent it from seeming obviously recycled.

The tweaks to the chassis have helped the Exeo seem quicker witted round bends too. The nose-heavy Audi gait remains when really stuffed into a twist, but it’s got a more alert character than the A4, with sharper turn in, decent grip and even a muted hint of steering feedback. You’d struggle to get that from an old shape A4.

It does share a similarly rigid approach to dealing with bumps though – although our 17” alloys and lower Sport spec suspension will have shown the Exeo in its hardest guise. It relaxes at speed, with a slightly smoother motorway ride than an old A4 on similarly sized wheels, but the drive never manages to match either the agility or suppleness of a Mondeo.

And it’s the Mondeo rather than any Audi comparisons that cause the Exeo the biggest problems. For all the hand-me-down cost cutting, it still costs between £18,755 and £23,285. A middle of the range 140bhp TDI in SE spec will set you back £21k – only a couple of grand less than a similarly specced and equally powerful Mondeo. Next to the £25k you’d need for a new A4, the Exeo makes more sense – but despite the old Audi gubbins, the Seat just isn’t premium enough to compare.

Ultimately, it’s a tricky car to justify. As an improved, lower price version of a premium car that only went off sale a couple of years ago, it seems to offer decent value. But it’s not cheap enough to look enticing next to the more talented Mondeo. If you can afford a new Exeo, it’s only a small stretch to get the Ford – if you want an excellent value A4, go to the used section of the Audi dealer and save even more cash. Sounds harsh to what is an intelligently engineered, thoroughly decent car – but as every younger brother will confirm, you always get stick for wearing hand-me-downs.

Digesting the news… then spewing it out in 60 words

Toyota had a bad day – after announcing 750 job losses at their Burnaston plant in Derbyshire, they extended their American sticky accelerator recall to Europe. Ferrari unveiled their 2010 Formula One car. Ford made a profit for the first time in four years. And Audi’s relentless viral campaign to promote the A1 continued, with a horrible video involving German footballers.

Everyone’s favourite American YouTube skidding sensation and part-time adequate rally driver, Ken Block, has got a new car. It’s a Ford Fiesta, and he’ll be driving it in the 2010 Rally America Championship which starts this weekend in Michigan. As with anything Kenny related, there’s a snazzy video to promote it…

As you might have already gathered from the above, he’ll also be entering in a few rounds of the WRC – but in a Focus RS. Time to prove if he can do more than drift around like this:

It never gets boring.

5. BMW 1 Series Concept ActiveE

An electric BMW 1 Series. The Mini E is all well and good, but with batteries robbing it of back seats, it’s not going to be popular with people who’ve got more than one friend. The electric 1 Series, however, has four seats…

Because it’s rear wheel drive, the electric motor is mounted in the back axle as opposed to up front. This frees up bonnet space, which is used in conjunction with the usual fuel tank space to store batteries… instead of having to put them in place of the back seats like in the Mini E. With 170bhp and 184lb ft of torque, it’ll do 0-62mph in 9 seconds, has a 100 mile quoted range and limited top speed of 90mph. Just like the Mini, it’ll be leased out to UK customers – you’ll have to pay around £500 a month and there’s likely to be a big queue.

4. Toyota FT-CH

A Toyota Prius Coupe. It sounds like a horrendous concept, and we’re still not convinced that hybrids are the future – but if we have to have them, they may as well be interesting. Call it a sporty stop-gap. Production isn’t confirmed, but with Toyota open about wanting to extend the Prius model to a whole family of hybrids, it looks likely.

The FT-CH is a couple of feet shorter than the Prius, and Toyota claim that it would also be cheaper, lighter and sportier… if it goes into production. We’ll just have a random guess – how about a plug-in Prius Coupe by the end of 2013?

3. Honda CR-Z

Another hybrid coupe… but this one’s going on sale in the summer. It’s based on the Insight, which means that unlike the Prius or the possible FT-CH, it won’t be able to run purely on electric power at low speeds. The Insight chassis has had its wheelbase shortened and track widened to help the CR-Z handle decently, and the CR-Z is 50kg lighter than the car on which it’s based. Although, seeing as it’s a 2 seater, that’s no surprise.

The petrol engine is a 1.5 litre compared to the Insight’s 1.3, but 102bhp still doesn’t sound great – even when working alongside the electric motor, total output is just 122bhp. Performance figures haven’t been released yet, but it emits 117g/km of CO2 and should do 56.4mpg. We’ve ranked it higher than the FT-CH because it’s the first to arrive, but we’ll put a pound on the Toyota being the smarter car…

2. Audi e-tron

An electric TT. The e-tron was originally shown at the Frankfurt show last year – generally seen as an electric vision of the R8 supercar. This second version has shrunk to become smaller than a TT – which has helped the weight drop by a quarter of a tonne, to 1390kg. It’s also now rear wheel drive, instead of four wheel drive.

The battery and motor layout is very similar with two motors and a wedge of batteries sitting between the driver and the back wheels. Power is 200bhp and torque a ball-rupturing 1954lb ft: 0-62mph happens in 5.9 seconds and there’s a theoretical range of 150 miles. A much, much more realistic prospect than the original… and nearly 2000lb ft of torque through the back wheels? Make it please.

1. Ford Focus

An essential car for Ford, the UK and the globe. This mk3 Ford Focus will go on sale across the whole world – so it needs to be ruddy amazing. While local tweaks will be made to suit each market, Ford are hoping that global tastes have converged to such an extent that one car fits all: it’s going on sale in 122 countries, with 80% of the car common to all of them.

The new Focus hits the UK in early 2011 – the same time as America and the rest of Europe. We’ll get a new 1.6 turbo charged engine, improved Duratorq diesels, an interior with a focus on quality and a chassis gently tweaked to suit our picky ways. In time, the Focus chassis will spawn saloons, estates, MPVs and crossovers – Ford expect to shift 2 million units a year by 2012. A plague of Focus… it’s biblically important.

Boom Boom Pow! Peugeot have finally come up with a 7 seater MPV to take on the likes of Zafira! 5008? It’s so 5,000 and late! The question on every contraceptionally-challenged person’s lips is this; is it better late than never or bettered by Picasso? Auto Exclamation finds out!

First things first – even the third row of seats are usable by humans with limbs! It’s an achievement! And they easily fold flat into the boot floor when your limb-heavy human friends are at home! Double achievement! Immediately there’s more space than the S-Max, Picasso or Zafira brethren! 5,000 and great!

And the rest of the cabin doesn’t inspire any 5,000 and hate either! In between the front seats is a cubby so big you could hide a baby in it! The chrome trinkets and neat clickability of the buttons are also something to 5,000 and rate – it’s got the quality of an interior that isn’t French! The only irritation that could 5,000 and grate is how the rakishly sloped dash can make some switches tricky to reach – it’s not a car for the short of arm!

On the black-top it’s smooth, light, accurate and bright – especially with the optional panoramic roof! Hurl it about with a lackadaisical regard for the kids and you’ll feel its 5,000 and weight, but it’s a nicer steer than a Picasso or Zafira, and not far off the S-Max! Engine power comes from 1.6 or 2.0 sizes of petrol or diesel; the diesel motors are £1,500 dearer than the petrols, but you’ll be glad about buying the extra torque with a van full of sprogs! We’d have the 150bhp HDi; 250lb ft, 0-62mph in 10 secs and 48.7mpg sounds good for a bus!

It’s time to talk readies! How much is on the 5,000 and slate? The cheapest needs just £16,895 to coax from the Pug man’s hands – but you’ll have plastic wheel trims and no panoramic roof! Don’t fret though! The roof is a £350 option for Sport spec and comes for free in top Exclusive trim – £21k will get you the best engine, Sport spec and big glass! It’s no more expensive than the rivals!

What to say to the original question then – is it better late than never or bettered by Picasso? We say it’s better late than never! The 5008 might not be the most punctual of the MPV class, but it’s certainly a fast learner with an interior that gets a gold star! If you’re a daddy in need of a baby caddy, you should canter down the Pug shop Boom Boom Now!