Spent some time in a Fiat 500 TwinAir a few weeks ago. Mainly because of the rorty thrump of its two cylinder engine, I really enjoyed it. Was going to write a standard review of it, but because there are far too many incredibly similar such things in the world, I’m not going to. Here’s a limerick:

The fruity new TwinAir has got

An engine with only two pots

It’s supposed to achieve

69mpg

But 40 is all that I got

It’s the most charismatic 500 engine, but not the most economical. And just in case you don’t think that limericks are the future of automotive reportage, here are some reassuring facts:

Price: from £10,665
Engine: 875cc 2-cylinder turbo
Power: 85bhp at 5,500rpm
Torque: 107lb/ft at 1,900rpm
Claimed fuel economy: 68.9mpg combined
Achieved fuel economy: 39.2 mpg
Emissions: 95g/km (claimed)
0-62mph: 11 secs
Top speed: 108mph

Quite like limerick car reviews actually. Maybe I’ll do it again.

Having had a sweet tea, a bracing walk and a glimpse at a picture of an Aston Martin Cygnet to help us get perspective, we can now force our minds to dwell on the Abarth 695 Tributo Ferrari. Just. This scintillatingly named creation is basically a Fiat 500 Abarth that, because of some Ferrari decals and a power hike from 135bhp to 180bhp, costs £29,600. Which is twice the price of a normal one. One car for the price of two. OMflippingG.

‘But ha’, you keenly quip, ‘that’s surely the most sensible way to get a Ferrari badged car for £30k’. Well possibly not, we retort. What if we could prove that a £30k Ferrari is a more practical car to own than a £30k Fiat? Using the brilliant F355 and our newly invented ‘Three P’ car buying criteria, we can do just that.

Practicality

The Ferrari F355 has a 220 litre boot, which is 35 litres bigger than the Abarth’s – this means it can hold more shopping, so you’re less likely to starve to death. With a time of 4.6 seconds, the Ferrari will accelerate to 60mph 2.4 seconds quicker than the Abarth, which makes it safer when pulling into small gaps at a junction. It’s also got much wider tyres, helping it grip harder and letting you drive faster… meaning you get to work quicker to earn more money.

The Ferrari’s 310mm front brake discs will stop the car more abruptly than the Abarth’s 284mm units, allowing you to leave braking until the very last millisecond – again saving time. And, should you be chased by a gunman, the Ferrari will leave your life in less peril than the Abarth, as its 184mph top speed is much faster than the Abarth’s 140mph escape velocity. The Ferrari is, on many levels, a more practical car.

Pleasure

Some aspects of car ownership aren’t objective. The beauty of the styling, the smell of the interior, the noise of the engine… there are attributes that transcend the mechanical and appeal on an emotional level. This is where the Ferrari really excels.

Its 375bhp, 3.5 litre V8 engine is not only 195bhp more powerful than the Abarth’s turbocharged 1.4 litre 4 pot wheezer, but much kinkier. Being mounted directly behind your head, and with less damping between it and the chassis, the Ferrari’s engine rasps and resonates not only through the air, but also through your body.

The Pininfarina styling of the Ferrari is cleaner and sharper than the Fiat penned 500… and, even in the words of a tedious cretin, the interior ‘is a much nicer place to be’. The Ferrari is, on many levels, a more pleasurable car.

Pennies

Now for the real surprise. We already know that the Abarth 695 Tributo Ferrari costs a ‘are you sure that’s not in Zimbabwean dollars’ sum of £29,600. For a supermini, that’s financial rape – a well looked after Ferrari F355, for example, can actually be had for less.

And before you bleat on about how the Ferrari will cost more to run, consider how quickly a Abarth 695 Tributo Ferrari will depreciate. Normal versions of the pudgy Fiat are worth about 46% of their value after three years. We’ll be kind and say the special edition will hold 50%… that still means you’ll take a £15k hit over three years.

Even having to spend £10k replacing the F355’s weak points of catalytic converter, manifolds and cam-belt, you’ll be £5k better off after three years than in the Abarth… which you can spend on petrol and insurance. With no depreciation to speak of, the Ferrari is, on many levels, a more affordable car.

A bigger boot, better performance and a smaller fiscal punch – if you want a £30k Ferrari, buy an F355. Don’t buy a Fiat.

Digesting the news… then spewing it out in 60 words

BMW confused (and possibly lightly offended) the world by claiming that 80% of its 1-Series customers think their car is front wheel drive. They obviously didn’t drive in the snow. Mitsubishi looked uncomfortable as it announced the electric i-MiEV will cost £38k, or £33k after the Government’s £5k electro-subsidy. And Chrysler promised to develop an electric Fiat 500 for America.

Digesting the news… then spewing it out in 60 words

BMW announced their subtle new 5 Series Touring will go on sale in September, from £30,380. Fiat revealed their saccharine 500C Pink, which will set exhibitionists back £13,500. Nissan slipped a 187bhp, 2.5 litre turbocharged diesel into their quietly desirable Murano crossover. And Kia released more pictures of their handsomely tiger-faced, Mondeo-rivalling Magentis, which comes to the UK in 2011.

Digesting the news… then spewing it out in 60 words

Pictures of the new Lexus CT 200h hybrid leaked onto the interweb, ahead of the car’s official launch at Geneva. Skoda facelifted the Fabia and Roomster. Fiat showed off the 138bhp 500C Abarth, which does 62mph in 7.9secs and goes on sale later this year. And Tata announced that their massive Aria will go on sale in the UK in 2011.

Digesting the news… then spewing it out in 60 words

Rumours of Porsche building a sub-Boxster strengthened, while the company was also sued by Americans accusing it of manipulating VW shares. The Mexican company that owns Corona beer bought diddy German sportscar makers Artega, employing an ex-BMW engineer to run it. And a video of a man parking a Fiat Panda in his impossibly small garage inspired desperate estate agents.

Digesting the news… then spewing it out in 60 words

Mazda released details of the new Mazda5 seven seat MPV – officially unveiled at Geneva, on sale in the UK this autumn and bearer of a funny swoop. Skoda announced a 1.4% rise in sales in 2009, and showed off piccies of the belting Superb Estate 4×4. And the head of Fiat said Lancia and Chrysler will merge together by the end of the year.

Buying a Fiat Coupe in the 1990s was very similar to buying a mail order bride. The glossy brochures were full of slick beauty and love-you-long-time reliability, but reality was often very different – erratic behaviour quickly led to a catastrophic falling out, with the occasional spilling of fluids.

But, mood swings aside, there was never any doubt about the Fiat Coupe’s intentions. From the Pininfarina lines, to the pointy front-drive handling, it was a proper sports car. And now, just as the flakiest brides have already had their vows absolved, the flakiest Fiats have long since ascended to the scrappy in the sky, leaving just the ones we should be lusting over. But what to buy?

Simple. Only buy a Coupe with the later 5-cylinder engine – quicker, newer and better sounding. They’re usually referred to as 20v models, and replaced the earlier four-pot cars in November 1996, staying on sale until 2000. There are two versions – the naturally aspirated 147bhp 20v, and the ruddy quick 220bhp 20v Turbo. You want a turbo more than your pervy uncle wants a Thai bride, for incredibly good reasons…

Even now, a 0-62mph time of 6.5 seconds and a top whoosh of 155mph sound unfeasibly quick. And while they might slither and tug with the type of torque steer that could dislocate your wrists, they’re actually very agile and accurate to hustle about. The Coupe might miss out on the rear-drive cheek of an MX-5, but the payback is extra speed, a smarter interior and, of course, some little Pininfarina badges finishing it off like Cindy Crawford’s mole.

Some advice. First, you need to find out if you can afford the insurance – the 20v is a group 17, while the 20v Turbo is a ridiculous 18. If you can stomach what the cartoon elephant quotes you, then the price of the actual car will be no problem – a tidy 20v Turbo can be had from just £2k.

Before getting anywhere near a test drive, make sure the car comes with the red key. Sounds daft, but a new set of locks and keys can be £1000 without it. Other than that, the biggest potential life-ruiners are the cambelt, exhaust manifold and, in the case of the 20V Turbo… the turbo.

The cam belt ideally needs doing every 36k miles, and is massively fiddly and expensive. While it doesn’t have to be an engine-out job it’ll still cost around £750 so look for proof of it being done. The exhaust manifold can crack, which is very hard to spot; any rattling or blowing are sure signs, but they’re the worst case scenario – if you don’t think you could spot a problem, get someone cleverer to have a look. Finally, the turbo oil seals can perish, giving off blue smoke at idle… so make sure it’s running clean or you’ll need a new one.

Find a bright red one with a full history file, a recent cambelt change and tidy bodywork and you’ll have an excellent value Italian sports car that makes the MR-2 and Celica look cold and soulless. This Coupe love you long time.

To make Toyota feel slightly better about missing out on the Car of the Year paperweight, we’ve put together a man-friendly list of the worst ever winning cars – because it’s not like the judges haven’t got it wrong before. See this as a best of the worst – a thoroughly British way of celebrating mediocre shitness. So, in reverse order…

5. Simca 1307 – 1976
An odd contraption, built in France and owned by Chrysler – with the type of ergonomics you’d expect when French quirkiness meets American bad sense. A big deal was made of the practicality of its front wheel drive, hatch-back design… despite the first VW Passat doing the same a couple of years previously. The biggest joke is how a car running on push-rod engines managed to push the SOHC E21 BMW 3-Series into second place.

4. Fiat Bravo/Brava – 1996
Let’s get the positive out of the way with; the back lights on the Brava (that’s the 5dr one) were cool, and the seats were comfy – but other than that, both the Bravo and Brava were rubbish. The electrics would only work on the second Tuesday of the month, they plain refused to go round corners without leaning on their wing mirrors, only got a two star EuroNCAP crash rating and came near the bottom of every quality/satisfaction/reliability survey they were entered in.

3. Vauxhall Insignia - 2009
The wound is still fresh on this one. The Insignia isn’t a bad car, but come on… it’s not even the best in its class, never mind the best car released all year. It may have only pipped the thoroughly excellent Ford Fiesta into second place by a single point, but there’s rarely been a more misleading point in COTY history.

2. Alfa Romeo 147 – 2001
This is the other ‘victory by a point’ travesty, but the calibre of the cars it beat makes this an even bigger misnomer than the Insignia. Remember how amazing the mk3 Mondeo was when it was released? Well, according to the 2001 result, it’s not as good as a flimsy Alfa Romeo 147. Pretty? Yes. But an intelligently designed, high quality, durable product? Don’t be daft. The cherry on the cake is how the Toyota Prius was pushed down into third… hybrids may be leading us up the garden path, but at least it was trying.

1. Fiat Uno – 1984
If you conducted a group test between the newly released mk2 VW Golf, the Peugeot 205 and the Fiat Uno, which one would you expect to win? The debate between the Pug and Veedub could run forever, but it would never ever be the Fiat. So, how did the COTY panel justify handing the Uno victory, above the Golf in 2nd and 205 in 3rd? Because ‘its basic version still keeps the veteran OHV 903 cc engine from the 127′. That’s right – the Fiat Uno is better than a mk2 Golf because it uses a 0.9l engine from the mid 70s. Brilliant. Next time you see a mk2 Golf soldiering on into it’s second decade on the road, go see what the owner says when you tell them they should have bought a Fiat Uno instead. Their response will sum up the relevance of the whole award.

Digesting the news… then spewing it out in 60 words

The Germans took Brackley, as Mercedes bought a majority stake in Brawn GP, renamed it Mercedes GP and were said to be considering hiring the disconcertingly Aryan Nico Rosberg and Nick Heidfeld to drive, with Button rumoured to be joining Hamilton at McLaren. In duller news, Fiat released a new Doblo and European cars sales were up 11.2% over 2008.

Vans. You probably think they’re just for plumbers, coppers and kidnappers – but that might not be the case. We’ve got a hunch that they’re hiding some tremendous track-day potential. Think about it. Some of them, like the Punto-derived Fiat Fiorino we’ve spent a week in, are based on squirty little superminis, and have already had the hard part of track preparation done. They could be the ultimate stripped out, two seat, VAT free track-weapons.

But, we could be wrong… maybe they’re just rattly, flimsy, underpowered cart-horses. To find out, we’re twin-testing the Fiat Fiorino 1.3 Multijet diesel van against our favourite track-ready hot hatch car – the recently departed Renault Megane R26.R. Just out of curiosity really. You never know, we might unearth a miracle. So, let’s begin.

Price + Spec

The first step in buying a track-car is deciding how much you can spend, and what you want for your money. In producing the R26.R, Renault stripped the air con, CD player, back seats and sound deadening from a normal R26 and replaced a lot of the glass with Perspex – spec wise, it’s thread bare. And so is the Fiorino. The evolution from Punto to Fiorino has seen similar kit chucked out, but crucially, you still get a CD player – and no matter how focused you are, a road car needs a stereo. For that reason, as well as the fact that the Fiat costs less than half the Renault’s £23k, the Fiorino wins.

Handling + Performance

Again the Fiorino impresses, being 130kg lighter than the Megane. It’s also free from ESP constraints, having nothing more than a throttle pedal and skinny Pirellis applying horse to course. The Punto chassis is well balanced, and without any weight over the back wheels is delighted to offer some three wheeled tail shimmying around squirmy little hairpins. Unladen, it’s a bouncy affair, but it’s a tight, responsive bounce instead of a loose springy one, so we won’t complain. We will moan however about the lack of steering feel and the weediness of the 75 bhp 1.3 litre turbo-diesel engine.

The Megane R26.R shares the Fiorino’s balance, agility and willingness to shimmy round hairpins, but adds an infinitely bigger dose of slap and tickle, with more power and a lot more feel. The slap comes from the standard R26’s 226bhp turbocharged two litre four pot, which whooshes and screams through the barely insulated cabin. It’s a noise unique to the R26.R – get past 4,000rpm and you’ll swear a Ghostbuster is sucking up baddies through the titanium exhaust. Frightening and tremendous – possibly the weirdest, brilliantest noise to come from a four cylinder car.

But the tickle far outweighs the slap. With the optional roll-cage and sticky Toyo track tyres, the R26.R is as agile as a kitten in a hot bath; turn in, grip, feedback and all the other things track cars should do well are top of the class. Perhaps the steering is a little too light, perhaps the gear-change too closely related to a mum’s Megane, but let’s be honest – it’s tighter to drive than a Focus RS, so it’s miles better than a van.

Practicality + Ownership

This is where the Fiorino does rather well. While both machnes are lacking rear seats, they deal with the problem in different ways. The Megane refuses to raise a smile about the situation, remaining intensely focused on the track-day task in hand. Welded across the back is a full roll cage, which takes up the whole of the boot. What you gain in rigidity, you lose in not being able to take a spare set of tyres to the track.

In the Fiorino however, all the space is given over to track-day essentials like wheels, oil, cambelts and brake discs. The R26.R might think it’s a track car for the road, but you’ll be buggered if you try and drive it home on threadbare tyres after a hard session. The Fiat? It might not be quite as much fun when you’re there, but at least you won’t be stranded at Castle Combe on a rainy Sunday.

Conclusion

So, there you have it. The Fiat Fiorino 1.3 Multijet diesel is a better overall track-day proposition than the Renault Megane R26.R. It’s cheaper to buy, easier to exploit and more practical to run. Which makes it perfect.

Except obviously that’s all bollocks. Because a track-day car should be marriage wreckingly expensive. It should be near impossible to explore the limits of, and so impractical that every minute that isn’t spent clipping apexes and hitting rumble-strips feels like a life sentence in stupidity. You don’t get oily hands, calloused fingers and a stiff neck from a van. If you can get a flat pack Ikea bed in the back of your track car, it doesn’t matter how good you think it handles, you’re just not doing it properly. In fact, get off the computer and go and buy a Caterham.

Digesting the news… then spewing it out in 60 words

Toyota put their hands up and said ‘we tried our best, we were rubbish… so we give up’ as they quit Formula One, with Renault thinking about following suit. Fiat announced many changes to Chrysler, including the most sensible thing – stop selling them in the UK altogether. And the SEMA show cracked on with a variety of ludicrous American metal.

Aluminium body panels, a kerb weight less of than a tonne, 3 cylinder diesel engine, space-frame chassis, 65mpg and a plastic flap instead of a bonnet; it sounds like the revolutionary technology you’d hope to see behind the next Mini. But it’s not. It’s what makes an Audi A2, which was released a decade ago.

Despite the engineering and innovation, A2 sales figures were just 10% of those achieved by its Mercedes A-Class rival – basically because it was too clever for its own good. Manufacturing costs were massive, which meant Audi couldn’t afford to promote it and had to price it so steeply that only the wealthiest architects could afford to buy one. A bit of a shame really, because it was, and still is, thoroughly excellent.

Because of the lightweight aluminium body panels, the top heavy appearance doesn’t make it drive like a double decker. With a low centre of gravity, the A2 is as fun to chuck about as a frisbee… and with the majority of them garnished with 17” wheels and chunky rubber, they grip hard and ride well too. Servicing is at 20,000 mile intervals at the very least, the interior has the quality of a mini-A8 and they’ve simply stopped depreciating. A future classic, and a very safe place to put money – just as long as you don’t have to pay for any panel repairs.

The cheapest model now is the 1.4 petrol in white bread spec, costing around £2,000; but it feels a bit own-brand with manual air con and trolley wheels. Throw in an extra £1,000 and you’ll find an 1.4 TDI SE with climate control, big wheels, and if you’re lucky, a panoramic glass roff. Even now, the TDI out-trumps a Mini or Fiat 500 for technology, looks icy cool, costs £35 a year to tax, only needs servicing at 30,000 mile gaps and will resolutely refuse to use any diesel. Ever.

So, if you’re thinking about putting a deposit down on a brand new Mini Cooper D, have a sniff around an Audi A2 1.4 TDI first. Not only will you save yourself £10,000 and enjoy a depreciation-free feeling of superiority, you’ll avoid looking like an estate agent. Not all great Audis have 5 cylinders and 4 wheel drive… next year’s A1 has a lot to live up to.

Dorothy’s Bitch