Tena Lady

Big Sur

Ginger hair, NHS specs and buck teeth. That’s what the Renault Wind would be blessed with on its first day at school. Such an easy car to bully.

Mocked for having a hunched back. Teased for its ridiculously flatulent name. Giggled at for its piddly 1.2 or 1.6 petrol engines. But, much like the best victims of bullying, the Wind has a few tricks that help fend off the cussing and let it start pulling punches of its own.

For a start, the roof is brilliant. Like the Ferrari Superamerica, it’s a one-piece flip top that hinges at the back window – in 12 seconds it emerges from under its cover on top of the boot, swings over the seats and attaches to the windscreen. You’ve got to close the final latch yourself, but unlike every other folding hard top, the roof doesn’t bulge into the boot when it’s down. Smart, quick and practical… easily outsmarts the bullies.

It’s even better when you drive it. The Wind uses RenaultSport Twingo running gear, which in turn means it shares a lot of bushes, bolts and funlinks with the goosebumpingly lovely Clio 182. Roof up, there’s no noticeable body shimmy – just massive clumps of grip, a tweakable rear end and a snuffly front. It’s the most chuckable front wheel drive convertible I’ve ever driven.

There’s some scuttle wobble with the roof down, and the steering’s not the most granular, but it wazzes in the eyes of Tigras, 207CCs and other such drivel wagons. A ninja’s roundhouse kick to the teasing fatties.

Starting at £15,500, the Wind is cheaper than its comparatively terrible rivals too. It’s worth paying a grand extra to upgrade from a 100bhp 1.2 to the ferociously revvy 133bhp 1.6 from the Twingo Cup, but matching its performance in a 207CC would cost another two grand on top. And the Peugeot drives like a soggy tissue in comparison.

So… any reasons to tease the Wind at all? Well yes. The interior is made of melted down Smartie lids. You can’t see anything over your shoulder. And no matter how hard you press the clutch, the gearbox occasionally snags its cogs. But that’s it.

If tedious twazbags hadn’t started referring to everything from eating a Wispa to watching Wheeler Dealers as a guilty pleasure, then that’s what I’d call the Wind. But I won’t. It might be an unusual car to like, but it’s not going to make you feel as guilty or happy as snorting cocaine off a French prostitute’s left breast. Although it could probably go topless in about the same time as her.

The moral of the story? Don’t be a bully. Or you’ll be attacked by a ferocious little fart.

Technically, this is breaking the rules. Our Growers section is supposed to highlight cars that were considered grotty on release but have forged admiration over time. A zero to hero type thing. But the Mazda MX-5 has always been a hero… so what’s it doing here? Well, it’s all relative you see: we’ve just bought one, and despite the endless reams of glowing appraisal we read before handing over the cash, the MX-5’s talent is still a surprise. The reality is better than the superlatives.

For a start, they don’t age. Get into almost any other car that’s a few generations out of date and it’ll feel like stepping into Bobby Davro’s VHS player. Old hot hatches seem vague and loosely bushed, but hard and crashy all at once… old posh saloons feel cumbersome, tacky and slow. But a decent mk1 MX-5 will seem nearly new – less body roll, a snickier gearchange, more granular steering and a more athletic gait than a brand new one.

It’ll only cost 10% of a new one too. The entry price is £1500 – which in metric is very close to being free. And it’s not like it’ll depreciate either. Double your money and you’ll get some of the smartest mk1s about, with less than 80k miles, a full service history, tidy bodywork and a chassis that’s tighter than a nun’s purse. Put in some legwork and you’ll get an LSD, Momo steering wheel and leather seats too.

Taking into account the variety of 110bhp 1.6 and 130bhp 1.8 engines, UK models and Eunos Roadster Japanese imports (square rear numberplate and aftermarket foglight are how to spot these), the two most important factors are condition and history. Condition wise, look out for rusty rear arches, tired bushes that knock over bumps and feel vague, tippety tappets, failed pop-up light motors and perished rubber tubes under the bonnet. History wise, look for as many oil changes as possible (6k isn’t over-doing it) and a cambelt change at 60k… if it’s a Japanese import, any paperwork from before it came over is a bonus.

Both engines are sprightly enough, with the 1.6’s shortfall of horses counteracted by its smoother delivery. Best avoid the post-1995 1.6 though – they’ve got just 88bhp and will only accelerate after a telegram has been sent to Japan asking permission. A UK car will be easier to sell and insure, and will more likely have a more transparent history… but Jap Eunos Roadsters have a better spec (often with A/C), lower miles and less chance of rust – provided they were waxoyled when they were first imported. Like we said, buy on condition above anything else

Overall, they’re massively easy cars to buy, maintain, cherish and abuse – find one with decent UK history, rustless arches, and no chassis clonks or engine rattles and you won’t go far wrong. So, while it’s technically not a Grower, the MX-5’s depreciation-free low price, Russian gymnast chassis and novice-friendly mechanicals make it a worthy exception. And if you don’t agree just go and bloody buy one… we promise it’ll grow on you.

Hot on the heels of Renault’s use of obnoxious brand ambassadors is Maserati. Just to make sure the world is aware of their beautiful-but-inevitably-dynamically-flawed Gran Cabrio, they’ve given one to Alonso and told him to look happy about it. He did his best.

The above picture obviously took all of his effort though – he just couldn’t grit his teeth hard enough to manage a second smile. Below is the face of a man who’s thinking ‘you told me I could have a sodding 458 Italia you bastards. This is nearly as bad as the shitting Renault Megane I had last year. I wish I was in fucking N-Dubz.’

Digesting the news… then spewing it out in 60 words

BMW announced their subtle new 5 Series Touring will go on sale in September, from £30,380. Fiat revealed their saccharine 500C Pink, which will set exhibitionists back £13,500. Nissan slipped a 187bhp, 2.5 litre turbocharged diesel into their quietly desirable Murano crossover. And Kia released more pictures of their handsomely tiger-faced, Mondeo-rivalling Magentis, which comes to the UK in 2011.

Digesting the news… then spewing it out in 60 words

Rumours that Porsche are planning to build a Panamera Convertible returned with reasonable roots in reality, as some patent drawings were leaked onto the interweb. Mitsubishi announced that they’re closing their motorsport rally tuning nutbag department Ralliart, endangering the Evo’s future. And Ford announced they’re adding a Sport+ model to the Fiesta range, with jazzified styling but no extra poke.

Mahogany Jowls

Digesting the news… then spewing it out in 60 words

Renault gave fans of fart jokes a late Christmas present, showing off their new Twingo based Wind convertible – it’ll go on sale this June, costing about £16k. Spyker-Saab announced they’ll release a new 9-3 model in 2012, and the 9-4X next year. And Felipe Massa’s head proved itself to be fixed, as he was quickest in today’s F1 testing.

Digesting the news… then spewing it out in 60 words

Toyota revealed a new version of the FT-86 ‘Toyobaru’ concept – a coupe its building in conjunction with Subaru, fitted with a boxer engine. BMW updated the looks and engines of the 3 Series convertible and coupe, to now be in line with the saloon. And Michael Schumacher received loads of praise for driving a GP2 car at a reasonable pace.

Digesting the news… then spewing it out in 60 words

Vauxhall boss Nick Reilly suggested the company would release a new city car in the next five years, with the possibility of an electric version. Weirdly, the first ever Saab convertible (and possibly one of the last) to be built in Sweden was produced – they were previously made in Austria. And the Detroit show was still filled with European cars.

Funny Handshake

Digesting the news… then spewing it out in 60 words

BMW released pictures of their new 335bhp top-spec Z4, the sDrive 35is, which will get to 62mph in less time than it takes to say its name. The Beijing Automobile Industry Holding Company bought the rights and tools to the Saab 9-3 and 9-5, but didn’t buy the company. And Mercedes said they would have an electric SLS by 2013.

Digesting the news… then spewing it out in 60 words

Obscure supercar manufacturer Spyker replaced obscure supercar manufacturer Koenigsegg as the likeliest potential buyers of Saab. Aston Martin facelifted their V8 Vantage, with new wheels, grills and seats as well as an ECU remap and revised gear ratios which drop the CO2 to 315g/km. And pictures of the upcoming Mercedes E-Class emerged, showing off its trick windscreen mounted air deflector.

No matter how attractive your new girlfriend appears in the soft candlelight of your favourite Italian ristorante, you can only be sure of a lasting relationship after one crucial test – Sunday lunch at your mum’s house. The familiar scenario exposes all the flaws of any love-to-be. Will your mum like her? Will she offer to wash up? Will she let out a sneaky one and cover it with a cough?

For precisely this reason, it’s essential to take the face-lifted Mazda MX-5 for a thorough working out on some familiar Welsh roads. Like your mum’s roast, it’s a level playing field – a blank canvas on which any problems with your companion will be painted in explicit detail. Before we crack on to find dessert at Black Rock Sands, there are some polite introductions, not to mention boiled vegetables, to endure first.

It’s 1pm on a crystal clear late summer afternoon. The sunny clarity has pushed the horizon so far into the distance you swear you can see a curve to the earth’s surface. Now is the perfect moment to meet to our fresh-faced, but still slightly amphibious looking companion. The external refresh of the MX-5 sees the adoption of the smiling family grill, some spanglier rear lights and newly sculpted bumpers. Slide down inside and it’s business as usual – snug but not claustrophobic, simple but not poverty-stricken and with pedals that although noticeably offset, never irritate. Clean, simple and polite – almost too mum friendly if we’re being brutal. Probably likes Coldplay and Californian white wine.

As chairs are pulled forward and napkins lay on laps, there’s a calm confidence to proceedings – but, rather annoyingly, the starter has just been served and it’s a bit on the bland side. A particularly dull bout of the M6 and M54 is slopped out, the only saving grace being that the rest of the country are all at home, listening to Radio 4 and eating beef. With the £1300 hardtop up and decent Bose stereo setting a sophisticated mood, it’s a competent fast-laner – stable at speed with a nicely judged top gear. The tyre noise can get boisterous, but it doesn’t take long to uncover an excellent way to drown it out.

With the 6 speed manual box of our 2.0 Sport model (non-Sports get a 5 speed, and there’s the unwise option of an auto), comes what Mazda call an ‘induction sound enhancer’ – some clever acoustic fiddling that amplifies induction noise. Drop into third at motorway speeds and the meaty growl when the engine comes on cam adds some sauce to what used to be a fairly plain four-pot drone. Instead of it sounding artificial or just plain daft, the engine has a naturally addictive timbre that urges you not to change up.

Some more throttle dedication later, and you’ll notice a second new talent – she’s certainly confident. Both peak power and the rev limit are 500rpm higher than before thanks to some work on the crankshaft, pistons and valves. Persevering with third shows just how eager the newly worked engine is to rev – not peaky or fussy, but strong, consistent and linear right up to the 7,750rpm limit. There might only be a modest 158bhp to play with, and it might not be fizzing with the enthusiasm of an S2000, but it’s clearly the most satisfying MX-5 engine yet. On that happy note, we reach Welshpool. Time for the main course – a light blat up the A490 and B4391 to Bala. Served on a bed of braised bitumen.

Before you even have time to think ‘I wonder if they’ve improved the steering’, you notice the improved steering. The pre-facelift MX-5 was the first to show glimpses of ‘maturity’; a muting of senses and softening of responses – it only takes a couple of second gear corners to shoot down any such criticisms on the new car. Perhaps it’s the keener induction noise on down-change throttle blips, perhaps it’s the modified anti-rolls bars and springs, perhaps it’s even down to new front suspension knuckles – it doesn’t matter.

The way the MX-5 darts forward, sniffing for an apex, is far too enjoyable to really care about the engineering. A layer of interference has been lifted from the feedback too. The pre-facelift car was great at transmitting the texture of the road through the wheel, but the new one is more lucid in also offering up details about how the rubber is reacting to it. Levels of grip also feel higher than the pre-facelift car, but still not high enough to put them out of reach on a public road. It’s a car that likes to play, being easy to pivot the available grip around you – lift off mid-bend and you can shimmy the back end round like a rear wheel drive hot hatch.

As we pass through Llanfyllin and leave the A490 in favour of the B4391, we pick up some speed, offering a chance to introduce ourselves to the gearbox – which again has been tweaked. While only the most churlish gearchange connoisseur could find fault with any MX-5 transmission in the car’s 20-year history, the last model’s was perhaps the least willing to co-operate.

Sticking to second, third and forth, the fettled box (carbon coated and larger diameter synchronisers) has a snickier, more mechanical action, with the previous car’s occasional baulkiness smoothed out. First to second still needs a deliberate shove, but it’s mechanically deliberate instead of stubborn. On undulating give-and-take country roads, you’ll lose count of the times you blip down to a lower ratio just for the hell of it. For the second time in an hour, the MX-5 hints at mimicking an S2000 – not quite matching the rifle bolt gearchange, but clearly showing ambition.

So far, mum is happy. But, just as the gravy is being mopped up with a tepid Yorkshire pudding, she drops a conversational clanger – previous boyfriends. Bad news. How will our guest cope? Well, the best way to find out how such a tricky scenario can be dealt with is, quite obviously, to tackle a gently banked hairpin. With the DSC switched off (which really does mean off in an MX-5), the task of putting power to road is left to the limited slip diff and 225-section Michelin rear tyres.

In a mk1 MX-5 without LSD, this would result in an awkwardly worded and rather embarrassing display of emotions, but this mk3.5 never threatens to lose composure. Brake deep into the apex, let the steering chat about the mild scrubbing of the front tyres… then plant it at the exact mid-point of the bend. No scrabbling or wheel-spinning waste, just a hunkered down chirrup as the rear wheels join forces in pushing you out, and the fronts guide you away to politer territory. On that smartly dynamic note, mum seems to have taken a shine and offers seconds – it’d be rude not to.

But we’re not going to keep re-treading the same ground, so we investigate an unnecessary tangent. Northwest out of Bala along the A4212, round the lake at Capel Celyn, fork right at the B4391 before joining the B4407. It’s in the opposite direction to Black Rock Sands, but we’re feeling cocky and the moor road to Ysbyty Ifan is a belter. It’s like the meat, potatoes and Yorkshires without any of that green nonsense – we’ll let mum do a bit of tidying up, this is a road for dad. He’s been a bit quiet so far.

As you follow the rubber kindly laid down by previous drivers at the right-hander onto the B4407, he suddenly perks up. It’s a first gear corner, up a jauntily angled slope – if you drive any rear wheel drive car round it without joyfully wagging a tail, you’re probably not human. As we push up the hill, the MX-5 seems to be struggling for the first time today. While only 10kg heavier than the previous model, the folding hard-top fitted to our ‘Roadster Coupe’ is another 50kg penalty over the soft-top. It never feels laboured or bulky, but with peak torque of just 138lb ft at 5,000rpm, the engine’s clearly having to pull more than just the weight of a roast filled bloke. Hill crested, two lanes turn into single-track road and we need to focus. There are sudden dips, which can take even the most composed car by surprise. Needn’t worry though – the speed at which the MX-5’s chassis elastically responds to yumps immediately inspires confidence. Push through a big dip at a ‘testing’ speed and even though the little Mazda has to suffer forces that knock air from your lungs (and occasionally knock its own bump stops), it never threatens to turn unkind or lairy.

Despite being under scrutiny from dad, our companion feels like it can deal with anything the road throws at it in the blink of an eye – there’s no need to give it a few moments of inertia to recover, or even much need to drive it with a great deal of sensitivity. As soon as the challenge has passed under the wheels, it’s dealt with and forgotten as quickly as the next arrives. At the very sharp edge of grip and physical exertion, the last car would get stroppy – like you were asking 100% from a chassis that was only 90% capable. The new car feels both livelier and more stable; ready and able to offer 100%. Dad’s actually quieter than ever now, and looks a bit sick – but there’s a wry smile to his face. He’s happy, although he also seems to fancy the new girlfriend a bit. Best talk practicality for a minute, just to bring him down to earth before he starts feeding her dessert and squeezing her thigh.

Reaching Ybsyty Ifan, before turning round and heading back in the right direction, thoughts of price, cup-holders and boot space come to mind. You don’t really need the hardtop, but you do need a 6-speed box and two-litre engine – so the one to buy is the Sport model. Ask the dealer nicely and he’ll chuck in metallic paint for free and you’ll take one home for less than £20k. Climate control, 6 CD changer and alloys are all standard. It’s tremendous value for money. As for cup-holders – it’s got four. Boot space? Seeing as only two people can sit in it anyway, there’s plenty.

Cruising the A487 to Porthmadog, now with the roof in ‘middle aged crisis’ mode, we’re preparing for dessert. The MX-5 hasn’t put a foot wrong – mum’s impressed by her polite friendliness, dad thinks she’s a bit of a goer and the only tiny niggle is that perhaps she should wear a fabric folding hat in place of her complicated metal one – just to make her a bit friskier on the hills. Quickly though, we’re heading into Morfa Bychan and the mood turns. Having been on best behaviour all afternoon, the pressure (and that bottle of Californian white wine) have turned the girlfriend slightly mental. She’s showing off on the beach… best hold dad back.

The scene at Black Rock Sands is like that awkward after-dinner moment where unbridled wine flow has led someone to say ‘oh I love this song, who’s going to dance with me?’. You know you’re not supposed to, you know you’ll feel incredibly self-conscious and you know that basically it’s very very wrong – but you just can’t help it. Especially not with a new girlfriend – can’t leave her looking daft on her own. So, with DSC firmly off, a rather sandy dessert can be enjoyed, being careful to stay out of sight of the more civilised members of the public. Looning about on the beach demonstrates in slow motion the benefits of the MX-5’s 50/50 weight distribution. It’s not a place for detailed analysis, but you can tell when a car feels right – with the downside being the danger of your parents thinking your girlfriend is a hooligan. Luckily, there’s nothing to worry about. Mum and Dad are now so captivated by your date’s infectiously fun loving spirit, that they’re desperate to join in. Spinning shapes in the sand with all the family, it’s very clear that the lunch couldn’t have gone any better.

Thinking about the future, you worry that maybe you should have tried to capture someone naughtier – a bit risky and flirtatious. Do you really want to spend so much time with a girl that could actually pass as a friend of your mum’s instead of a sexy minx? You’ve got fond memories of an ex called Elise, and have always fancied your mate’s older sister Cayman. While your new girlfriend calms down over a coffee, you consider what life would be like with them… but, as your mum rightly points out, girls like that are too snobby to get pissed on wine and dance on a beach. It’s the best MX-5 since they had pop up lights and no airbags, and as much as you like to think you should aim higher, you know that your mum’s always right.

Dorothy’s Bitch