Should be simple really. The Cayman is the best handling Porsche model, and the £52,000 Cayman R is a lower, sharper and more powerful version of it. So, therefore, the Cayman R is the best handling Porsche full stop.

And that simple deduction is 80% true. If you’re a ham-fisted loon, the Cayman R offers a glorious blend of flattery and excitement. Where a GT3 RS is a form of domestic abuse and the GT2 RS motoring euthanasia, the Cayman R does a roaring trade in coaxing, coaching and cajoling. When you’re giving it 100%, the car gives you 100% back.

The Cayman R is on your side. It turns humans into heroes… while the GT2 RS and GT3 RS would rather turn us into corpses.

But now for the but: the Cayman R only buzzes through your hands, ears and arse if you’re giving it full clobber – and if you back off, it loses interest. When you’re not pounding the tarmac like a storm chaser, the once witty Porsche becomes dismissive and disgruntled. It’s no longer on your side…it’s a sulky bastard.

As soon as the front tyres aren’t experiencing some slip, the steering gives you the cold shoulder. No feel, no chat, no fun. And when the engine isn’t ringing in your ears, it won’t send shivers down your spine. It twists well enough from low revs, but such reward is only a booby prize compared to the sting nearer the red line.

‘I’m the best handling Porsche you can manage fuckwit… now drive me properly’ it bellows with frustration. All of a sudden, you’re a useless piece of meat flapping at the wheel like Dr Zoidberg. A normal Cayman feels at home on the road – reactive, sharp, fast and fun. The Cayman R feels like its feet have been bound.

It is, without any doubt, an incredible driver’s car for people who feel under-qualified in the seat of a GT3 or GT2 RS. But I don’t think it’s gobby or exciting enough at road speeds to interest the type of lunatic who fancies a BMW 1M.

Can you imagine having nearly £40,000 to spend on a brand new car? It’d be like waking up with two willies. Some of the finest cars on sale vying for your attention, luring you in with their glowing reviews. Porsche Boxster, BMW 525d Touring, Land Rover Discovery 4… the list of class leading stunners could coax up a chubby.

And for the same price, you could buy the updated Nissan Murano.

So, what does it do to tempt that £40,000 from your lucky-git fingers? Well, erm… I was always told that if I haven’t got anything nice to say I shouldn’t say anything at all. So here’s a picture.

As I haven’t got anything nice to say about the ride, handling, styling or performance, I won’t talk about them. Certainly won’t mention the steering. And I can’t really discuss the qualities of the new 2.5 turbodiesel engine either – because struggling to do 30mpg is only a nice thing when compared to the V6 petrol Murano… which struggled to do 20.

I can, however, comment on the high equipment levels, including side and rear parking cameras, a good sat nav, Bluetooth and heated seats. Probably shouldn’t go into how the driver’s seat looks and feels like a dentist’s chair though.  Can’t mention the rest of the interior either. Especially not the plastic around the lever of the standard 6-speed auto-box. Or the brightness controls for the dials. Or the electric mirror switches.

In fact, the nicest thing I can say about the Murano is how it should make us feel very lucky. The big Nissan isn’t dangerous or even anything worse than mediocre in every way – yet it’s about as wide of the mark as brand new cars get. So thanks, Murano. Thanks for reminding us just how excellent every other car on sale is.

We can confidently report that the brand new BMW X3 is rather excellent. Not just excellent for a ‘pointless crossover’ either – it’s an excellent car full stop. In fact, it’s got an answer for every single knee-jerk crossover criticism known to man. Look, we’ll prove it…

Knee-jerk crossover criticism no.1: ‘Yeah but these gas guzzling SUVs are making Eskimos homeless’.

Nope. Not this one. Thanks to CO2 emissions of 149g/km and a combined mpg of 50.4, it’s cleaner than any Audi Q5 or Volvo XC60 – even the green leaved DRIVe version. It actually uses less fuel and emits less CO2 than a Fiat Panda 4×4… and nobody has ever called a Panda a planet killer.

Knee-jerk crossover criticism no.2: ‘Yeah, but it’ll topple over as soon as you go round a corner’

We drove for over 400 miles in our BMW X3 and not once did any of its wheels lift the ground – and the same can’t be said about the mk2 Golf GTi we used to drive on a daily basis.

Its vigilance around corners is actually just one facet of a generally rather suave and confident chassis. The X3 doesn’t iron out road roughness entirely, but instead smothers it in rubber-backed velvet… you can enjoy the texture of tarmac without being distracted by it.

Knee-jerk crossover criticism no.3: ‘Yeah but I bet despite it being massive outside it’s got no space inside’

Its boot is bigger than a Q5 or XC60’s and just 5 bottles of coke smaller than a 5 Series Touring. And even Angela Rippon’s leggy sister would enjoy folding herself into the maturely tailored cabin.

It’s also worth noting that those of Angela Rippon’s advanced years will appreciate that both the boot and seats are higher up and therefore more easily accessed than a 5 Series Touring.

Knee-jerk crossover criticism no.4: ‘Yeah but, Angela Rippon aside, you may as well get a normal estate car’

Guess what? Some people live in the countryside. Or go to car boot sales in boggy fields. Or live at the top of a hill where it snows. Or like seeing over hedges and traffic. Sometimes having twice the amount of driven wheels and a higher ride height compared to a normal estate car comes in handy. Also, at £31,135, the X3 is actually cheaper than a 5 Series Touring with an identical engine… and, like the 5, comes with leather seats and climate control as standard

If you actually want to go off-roading then a Land Rover Freelander 2 would be better… but the X3 is infinitely better on road. And, because you’re probably thinking it, a Discovery 4 is at least £5,000 more expensive so doesn’t really count.

So there you go – the BMW X3 is the best mid-sized crossover thing by far. So good that it’s actually just a bloody good car that should quite rightly tempt a few country dwelling 5 Series buyers.

Big Sur

What a confusing, contradictory fellow the handsome new Volvo V60 is. Not only is it very definitely not a ‘Naughty Volvo’ as the company’s tremendously misguided marketing bumpf would have you believe, it’s not a staid or boxy one as Volvo’s previous form would suggest either. And it’s got a smaller boot than an Audi A4 Avant or BMW 3 Series Touring. Seriously.

Not naughty, not boxy, not roomy… so what is it?

Perhaps a sporty estate? Well, no. Despite Volvo’s suggestion that the V60 is a ‘sports wagon with driving properties that do the sporting appearance full justice’, it’s actually a very stable, refined and relaxing drive. Yes, it’ll negotiate a mini-roundabout without bending a wishbone, but it’s not sporty. ‘Capably athletic’ is as far as we’ll go.

Is it luxurious then? Nope. There aren’t enough twinkles, baubles or massagers to make it feel sparkly and posh. No ambient lighting, no hidden surprises or jewel encrusted buttons – just a fairly drab interior slab that isn’t quite as ergonomic or responsive as you’d expect. It’s even less luxurious than it is sporty.

Right. So, maybe it’s cheap? Ah, things are picking up – the V60 is cheaper than a  BMW 3-Series or Audi A4,. The range starts at £25k for which you get climate control, Bluetooth, 4 electric windows and a charismatic but slightly peaky 5-cylinder turbodiesel with 163bhp. Prices hit max at £36k and there are some petrols too – but the sweet spot is our £30k D3 Lux SE with the 163bhp turbodiesel, leather, sat nav and electric seats. It’s a good value car in which we averaged 40mpg.

And, being a Volvo, surely it’s safer than abstinence? Indeed it is. The V60 is endowed with the safety kit from the automotive world’s biggest hypochondriac, the S60 saloon.

Not only can it show warning lights if you’re too close to the car in front or if someone’s in your blind spot, it will brake for you if you fail to notice an approaching obstacle. And it’ll slam the brakes on if a pedestrian walks out in front of you. And it’ll beep if you change lane without indicating. And it monitors your alertness to make sure you don’t nod off. There’s a even fictional optional extra that can cure speech impediments.

The lights and warning bongs can be irritating, but the enormous cluster of radars, sensors and cameras mounted to the front of the car are reassuring – and if they avoid or minimise the effect of a collision just once, they’re worth the occasional distraction.

So. After that exploration of the Volvo’s talents and foibles, what have we learnt? Well, it’s not particularly dynamic, spacious or luxurious but is cheap, comfortable and safe – the V60 is actually a brilliant car for people who don’t really give a shit about cars. So while car geeks might find it contradicory and confusing, it’s actually very well judged. What do we know anyway.

… he still wouldn’t be half as awesome as Sabine Schmitz. And yes, she’s already got a husband. Sorry

There’s so much to say about the new Hybrid version of Porsche’s most controversial car that a review could easily fill the whole Internet. Nobody would read it to the end, nobody would gain anything from it and we’d have wasted our time. So, to avoid the bother and prove that no car review needs to be longer than 500 words, this one’s 499.

To address the fact that the old Cayenne was too heavy, too ugly and too poorly furnished, Porsche have released a new model that’s up to 180kg lighter, much sleeker to look at and infinitely posher to sit in. And to address the fact that it was a total bastard to the environment, they’ve made a Hybrid version. Sounds perfect.

But it’s not – there are two big problems. First, it’s the least satisfying model to drive. And second, despite the 3.0l supercharged V6 engine being the smallest in the range, and despite it being assisted by a 34kw electric motor and hybrid drivetrain, it’s actually less economical than the Cayenne Diesel. Oh, and at £57k it’s also £13k more expensive than the Diesel. So the Hybrid’s pointless. Right?

Well yes. But also no. Just like every hybrid, it depends on where you drive it.

On roads where other Porsches shine, the Cayenne is flawed. Not because it’s the heaviest model, or because it’s the only one with electric rather than hydraulic power steering – what really sucks enjoyment out of the Cayenne Hybrid is the droning engine note and the distracting commotion of hybrid electronics you can feel through the brakes and throttle.

Brush the brake pedal lightly and it seems to slow through magnetic resistance instead of friction; press harder and only a greater sense of deceleration makes you believe the actual brake discs are doing anything. A similarly numb inconsistency affects the throttle, but is less severe. The engine can go from purely turning the wheels, to charging the battery while turning the wheels, to being switched off totally if you’re coasting, to working at maximum power with electric assistance… all with one flex of the right ankle. The motor swapping is masked well, but never totally disguised.

Yet all that’s forgiven when you get into traffic and drive around on electro-juice alone. Like a Prius, the Cayenne has a parallel Hybrid system in which some MENSA powered clutches allow the electric motor to turn the wheels without turning the engine as a slave and therefore wasting energy.

So while its combined economy of 34mpg is worse than the Diesel’s 38, and its 193g/km CO2 figure only 2g better, the Hybrid gets better as the traffic gets thicker; the slower you go, the more chance you have of running without using any fuel. Press the E-Power button and the car will propel you for as long as possible on electricity alone. With suitably gentle driving across a city, we covered 1.1 miles without a spark plug firing once. On one gentle journey, we even hit 38.7mpg at an average speed of 15mph. You wouldn’t get that in a diesel. Or in a Fiesta for that matter.

So the Hybrid lacks the dynamics and mechanical intuition that Porschefiles get clammy over, but has the talent, badges and technology to give City types something to boast about. In the end then, it’s not actually that different from any other Cayenne.

Ever wondered what an X5 would look like after it slept badly on a creased pillow? No, us either. But BMW have answered the question anyway – let’s give a warm welcome to the brand new BMW X3.

On sale in the UK from January, BMW’s new midi-crossover will be launched with two engines at first – a 2.0l four cylinder diesel with 181bhp and CO2 emissions of 149g/km, as well as a 3.0l turbcharged petrol with 302bhp and emissions of 204 g/km. Both will be fitted with start/stop while the petrol will come with BMW’s new 8 speed auto as standard (optional on the diseasle), as well as a Boxster beating 0-62mph time of 5.7 secs.

Unlike their smaller but still pigeon-faced and self-consciously surfaced X1, BMW will only offer the X3 with four wheel drive powetrains. In other news, electric variable speed power steering is fitted for the first time in a BMW crossover, while Damper Control and Dynamic Drive Control are both optional – again for the first time in a BMW ‘X’ model. So perhaps (and again unlike the X1), the dubious creases can be offset by a reasonable mix of dynamics and comfort. Fingers, and swage lines, crossed.

Let’s get the obvious out of the way with first. Skoda haven’t made a rubbish car for a decade, and the Superb name is neither new or inaccurate, so don’t scoff at that either. Alright? Good. Now we can get on.

Based on last year’s all new saloon, this is the first ever Superb Estate – and it’s proper, genuinely, 100% totally bloody amazing. Not in a ‘oh yeah… that Skoda’s really brilliant… I mean, ha, fancy Skoda making a good car’ way. Not in a ‘I suppose it’s an impressive achievement considering its price’ way either. But in a ‘Shit. Really. Where an earth did that come from? Wow’ way. If you want an analogy, this is their iPhone – a product that does absolutely everything, redefining the brand all over again.

Seeing as sycophantic reviews always sound rubbish, we’ll stay factual, measured and objective… and being as it’s an estate, we’ll start with the boot. The Superb’s rear measures 633 litres with the seats up and 1865 litres with the seats down – massive. But unless you frequently carry around fresh air or litre bottles of water, that’s all meaningless. So have some reference points:

Volvo’s biggest current estate is the V70 – with the seats up it’s got a 575 litre boot, rising to 1600 when they’re down. So the Superb Estate has a bigger boot than the biggest Volvo. Fact. That also makes it bigger than an A6 Avant, new BMW 5 Touring, Ford Mondeo Estate, Vauxhall Insignia Sports Tourer and VW Passat Estate. In fact, the only estate on sale today with a bigger boot is the new Mercedes E-Class.

So we’ll use the big-E as a reference point for price, interior quality and equipment – a Mercedes is a tough benchmark for a Skoda to match after all. The cheapest Superb Estate is the 1.4 TSI at £18k, rising to the most expensive £30k 3.6 V6. The very cheapest E-Class Estate is also £30k, in the shape of the E200 CGI 4-cyl petrol. A handy comparison.

The interior of the Skoda is better to look at, nicer to touch and more intuitive to use than the Merc’s. Less tacky, better damped, more ergonomic. There’s more kit in it too, including the best touch screen entertainment system of any car on sale anywhere, standard fit sat nav and the flawless DSG gearbox from VW. If you want sat nav and auto in the Merc, you’ll need to spend another £2,500.

But you still won’t have the Skoda’s performance – the V6 has 260bhp and cracks 62mph in just 6.6 seconds. Through the gears, using the massive 258lb ft hunk of torque that’s spread right across the middle of the rev range, you’ll outrun most hot hatches that bother to try. The £30k Merc is 80bhp and 60lb ft down as well as two seconds slower to 62mph… a Merc with similar performance and similar kit costs over £40k. Crikey.

Of course though, you’d be a little mad to buy a brand new V6 car with an mpg figure in the 20s when petrol costs £1.20 a litre. As quick as it might be, it’s not worth the pleasure. What you should really get is the sensible 140bhp diesel which, even when you’ve added the DSG box, costs less than £25k in top-spec Elegance trim.

With the double clutch set-up, the diesel Superb is just as smooth as the V6, barely noisier, cracks 60mph in 10 secs and is still effortlessly torquey – but it’s quoted at 51.4mpg combined. The most economical, cheapest Merc estate diesel is over £6,000 more expensive, 5mpg worse off and only 1 second quicker to 62mph. Its auto box isn’t as smooth as the Skoda’s automated manual either.

Bored of the praise yet? Sorry. It’s nearly over. We’re labouring the point just to make sure you don’t under-estimate quite how brilliant the Skoda is. The E-Class Estate hasn’t been used because it’s an easy benchmark to beat and prove a point – it’s been used because it’s currently the best premium estate on sale, and because it therefore gets the closest to matching the Skoda’s ginormous spread of talent.

So, bad points then. Erm… literally? No. Space, refinement, speed, price, economy, ergonomics, equipment, quality and even styling are all beyond criticism. This is a real second coming for Skoda. After the revelation at the beginning of the last decade that they can make cars as good as anyone else, they’ve now gone and shown that they can actually make cars better than anyone else.

If you can think of another estate that can do everything the Superb does, please let us know. If not, then let’s all form a loyal band of disciples and worship the new Messiah of Estates. If Apple geeks can call the iPhone the Jesus phone, can’t us car geeks call the Superb Estate the Jesus car? You don’t get a brolly in the door of an iPhone anyway.

You half expect BMW’s repsonse to being asked ‘will you ever make an economy model?’ to be ‘Actually, a lot of our normal cars already have Start/Stop, brake energy regeneration and intelligent ancilleries – so that’s like asking the Queen if she’d like a crown you spaz.’. But this 320ED shows that their answer is ‘Why yes. On top of our usual Efficient Dynamics routine, we’re going to go one step further by taking a 320d, detuning the engine, lengthening the final drive ratio, fitting some aero alloys, wrapping them in energy saving tyres and lowering the ride by 15mm.’.

Which is exactly what they’ve done. So while a 320d SE has 184bhp and does 60.1 mpg, a 320ED has 163bhp and does 68.9mpg – the 280lb ft of torque and £27,245 ticket are identical. Jolly good show really. With a 0-62mph time of 8 secs, you do lose half a second to the normal car and forfeit the option of speccing big alloys or M-Sport body kits… but that seems a fair swap for covering an extra 12% of road from each drop of fuel.

And rather cleverly, it’s actually a smoother drive than the standard car. The unsung hero is an unfathomably brilliant device called a Centrifugal Pendulum Absorber, which lives inside the dual mass flywheel and smoothes out the juddering you usually get from a car when it labours at low revs. It works incredibly well, making any vibrations almost imperceptible at slow engine speeds and just as smooth at high ones – so you stay in a higher gear for longer, using less diesel. If you’re lazy, it can trick you out: approach a junction, downchange to third, slow to a crawl, then try and accelerate with the engine still smooth as it languishes at 700rpm. The moral? Don’t be lazy or you’ll bog down. A life lesson.

The rest of the car is exactly how you’d expect a mid-spec BMW 3-Series to be. A fantastically judged 50:50 weighted chassis that’s forgiving and alert in perfect measures, a stubborn resistance against understeer even on the energy saving tyres and, to us at least, no effect whatsoever from being 15mm lower and having a higher final drive ratio than normal. If anything, the tall sidewalls on little wheels make it more compliant than the typical Barry-spec 3-Series on 19″ rims and runflats.

So, what about the three other pesky German midi-execs? Audi make an A4 TDIe which costs a couple of grand less, but is 30bhp and 7mpg down on the 320ED, while Merc will sell you a C220CDI BlueEfficiency for the same price as the Audi, which has the same power as the BMW but is less economical than either. Unless the extra £2k is a deal breaker, the BMW is a no-brainer.

You half expect any manufacturer’s repsonse to being asked ‘does detuning the engine, shrinking the wheels, compromising the tyres and lengthening the gears in the name of economy make your car better to drive?’ to be a pretty straight ‘no’. But BMW actually answer it with a convincing ‘yes’.

Digesting the news… then spewing it out in 60 words

BMW confused (and possibly lightly offended) the world by claiming that 80% of its 1-Series customers think their car is front wheel drive. They obviously didn’t drive in the snow. Mitsubishi looked uncomfortable as it announced the electric i-MiEV will cost £38k, or £33k after the Government’s £5k electro-subsidy. And Chrysler promised to develop an electric Fiat 500 for America.

Digesting the news… then spewing it out in 60 words

Hennessey released a teaser picture of their 1000bhp, 262mph, V8 powered, Elise based Venom GT ahead of its official unveiling at the end of the month. Aston failed to persuade the world that the Cygnet is a good idea, by announcing it’ll be available in any colour its misguided customers desire. And BMW confirmed that they’re developing a FWD chassis.

Digesting the news… then spewing it out in 60 words

BMW announced their subtle new 5 Series Touring will go on sale in September, from £30,380. Fiat revealed their saccharine 500C Pink, which will set exhibitionists back £13,500. Nissan slipped a 187bhp, 2.5 litre turbocharged diesel into their quietly desirable Murano crossover. And Kia released more pictures of their handsomely tiger-faced, Mondeo-rivalling Magentis, which comes to the UK in 2011.

Digesting the news… then spewing it out in 60 words

Porsche released some info on the new Panamera V6 – it’ll have 296bhp, 296lb ft of torque, be good for 30.4mpg combined and cost £61k. Toyota announced a face-job for their Rav4, which will be shown at Geneva. And BMW tweaked the M3, adding stop-start and an optional Competition Pack which lowers it 10mm and offers tweaked eletronic stability control settings.

The Citroen C-Crosser is a 7 seat, diesel only, 40mpg, fairly massive 4×4 that in Exclusive trim costs £27k. It will appeal to folk who live in the country with children who occasionally bring their mates home. Families who can afford a new car, but struggle to justify spending over £30k on a Discovery. Pleasant humans who want something that can deal with the pitted, muddy track to the stable without bottoming out. It will make these people very happy. As a sensible, rugged, reasonably affordable family car with a couple of spare seats in the back, it’s good. Very good.

It’s good at doing stuff it doesn’t need to bother with too. Like going round corners. We spent a whole weekend driving it round the Cotswolds, and on more than one occasion deliberately drove straight back where we’d come from just for the hell of it. Obviously, the C-Crosser is no Saxo VTS – there’ll certainly be no inside wheel cocking, lift-off oversteer or hairpin handbraking. But, considering it weighs 1750kg and takes 11 secs to get to 62mph, its fleet footed bend taking ability is a gentle shock, especially given that the ride is still perfectly composed and comfortable.

Perhaps a Mazda CX-7 feels tighter, and perhaps a BMW X1 is quicker to change direction – but the C-Crosser has a more fluid, better-resolved ability to manage both bumps and corners simultaneously, shrinking around you and being easy to place on the road. The similarly priced Mazda and BMW don’t have 7 seats either. It’s not supernaturally good, just much better than it has any right to be. You can enjoy it.

Some of the fun can be attributed to the new ‘DCS’ double clutch gearbox, a £1200 option. Snicking it across to manual and using the massive wheel mounted paddles adds to the involving nature of the chassis. And, if we’re being picky, this also avoids the auto mode’s occasional tendency to languish in an optimistically high gear, below where the peak 200lb ft of torque steps in at 2,000rpm. The only other downside to the DCS is an environmental one – figures of 38.7mpg and 192g/km of CO2 aren’t as pleasant as the manual’s 40.4mpg and 185g. No biggy though… the smooth auto changes help the big Citroen’s refinement.

The C-Crosser’s other bonus feature is a usefully robust 4wd system. A dial lets you choose between FWD, occasional 4WD if the fronts lose grip, or locked 4WD. Admittedly, we didn’t blat up any mountains to test it to the limits, but over rough, slippy, pitted dirt tracks where the back wheels were at least being called into action, the C-Crosser felt perfectly happy acting agriculturally. Seeing as it’s been co-developed with Mitsubishi (who rebadge it and sell it as an Outlander), this impression should at least have some objective backing – they’re pretty handy at the 4×4 business.

It’s only when you stop moving and look around the interior that negativity starts to creep in. The heating dials feel flimsy, with materials that are bettered by the new C3, which costs £10k less. The £1690 optional sat nav has the iffy ergonomics you’d find in an aftermarket Halfords job – and like too many factory fit sat navs, you can’t change the CD track or radio station if you’re using the navigation. The rear seats are only very temporary too. But that’s about it. The C-Crosser is a surprising car… not just because of how well it achieves what it set out to, but because it offers much more than you’d expect.

Although it’s not due to be revealed until the Geneva Motor Show next month, Volvo are so pleased with their new S60 saloon that they’ve released a little video. Looks like they’ve attached a camera to a fly, and asked it to glide very carefully around, filming the car. What a good fly.

Volvo promise the S60 will be the most entertaining car to drive they’ve ever made, and the best handling FWD car in its class. Seeing as it’s based on a Mondeo chassis, it seems a reasonable claim – especially considering the aluminium and magnesium body parts and some trick chassis electronics. Looks smart too, if a bit gloopy of the face.

The top petrol engine will be a 300bhp straight six, which will be joined by a four cylinder petrol and two five cylinder diesels – all but the least powerful of the diesels sling the S60 to 62mph in less than 8 seconds. A Volvo with more going for it than a beautiful interior? Yes please. It’ll go on sale in the UK in the early autumn.

Digesting the news… then spewing it out in 60 words

Mercedes announced that their Ferrari 458 Italia rivalling SLS AMG will cost £157,500 when it goes on sale in the UK in July. Porsche released a new £123k 911 Turbo S that’s got 523bhp – 20bhp more than a standard Turbo. And BMW gave the X5 a gentle face-job, improving power and economy and fitting an 8-speed auto as standard.

Having something missing from your nose ruins your reputation. Just ask Daniella Westbrook. The BMW Z3 suffered too. Like that woman from Eastenders, it will always be known for having a bigger gap in its hooter than it should have done – too many of them were fitted with diddy 4 cylinder engines that left the swooping, lusty looking nose completely empty. Even now, the Z3 raises more of a smirk than a smile. But there’s one model that never suffered Westbrook-nosehole-itis – the Z3 M Coupe. Its nose equipment was perfect…

Behind the kidney grill nostrils is a 321bhp straight six borrowed from the E36 M3, giving 0-62mph in a twitch over 5 seconds. Yes, you could get the same engine in a Z3 M Roadster, but with its Westbrook reputation you just wouldn’t. The M Coupe version’s roof also gave it a more rigid structure and tighter drive than the roadster; let’s not forget that the rear suspension can be traced back to the E30 from the 1980s. Sophisticated? No. Ball rupturingly brutal? Yes.

And now they’ve basically stopped depreciating. From as little as £8k, you can pick up a reasonable example of one of the early 98/99 cars with around 50k on the clock. And you’d be a happy person if you did just that. But just a little knowledge goes a long way. And we have just a little knowledge…

First up, the Z3 M Coupe had a facelift in Spring 2001, where it gained 4bhp, standard traction control, better brakes and a tyre pressure monitor. By the books, the extra 4bhp also knocked a whole tenth of a second from the 0-62mph time, bringing it down to 5.1 secs. Clearly worth getting a facelift model if you can afford it then… bank on about £12,000. They stopped building them in 2002 – the last models are the priciest, heading up towards £20k for specced up minty treats.

There are a few little niggles to look out for too. An over-enthusiastic yump down a particularly bumpy road can make the car bottom out, with the fuel tank being the first to take a hit – have a look underneath the boot and check there isn’t any damage.

Also, just like a lot of BMWs, the Z3 M Coupe can munch through front suspension components like bushes and ball joints – check the steering feels as tight as it should and there aren’t any devious clonks. A receipt for front suspension work would be a nice find, and a full service history an essential one. The interior isn’t as smartly crafted as current BMWs, so keep an ear out for squeaks and rattles that might drive you slowly insane.

You could buy a more practical E36 M3 for less money and similar speed, but don’t. You’ll look like you’ve nicked it. Or you could get a Z3 M Roadster and drop the roof when its sunny, but don’t. You’ll look like Daniella Westbrook. Get a Z3 M Coupe, lark about for a year, then sell it for the same price you bought it. It’s brilliant and you nose it.

Digesting the news… then spewing it out in 60 words

Toyota revealed a new version of the FT-86 ‘Toyobaru’ concept – a coupe its building in conjunction with Subaru, fitted with a boxer engine. BMW updated the looks and engines of the 3 Series convertible and coupe, to now be in line with the saloon. And Michael Schumacher received loads of praise for driving a GP2 car at a reasonable pace.

5. BMW 1 Series Concept ActiveE

An electric BMW 1 Series. The Mini E is all well and good, but with batteries robbing it of back seats, it’s not going to be popular with people who’ve got more than one friend. The electric 1 Series, however, has four seats…

Because it’s rear wheel drive, the electric motor is mounted in the back axle as opposed to up front. This frees up bonnet space, which is used in conjunction with the usual fuel tank space to store batteries… instead of having to put them in place of the back seats like in the Mini E. With 170bhp and 184lb ft of torque, it’ll do 0-62mph in 9 seconds, has a 100 mile quoted range and limited top speed of 90mph. Just like the Mini, it’ll be leased out to UK customers – you’ll have to pay around £500 a month and there’s likely to be a big queue.

4. Toyota FT-CH

A Toyota Prius Coupe. It sounds like a horrendous concept, and we’re still not convinced that hybrids are the future – but if we have to have them, they may as well be interesting. Call it a sporty stop-gap. Production isn’t confirmed, but with Toyota open about wanting to extend the Prius model to a whole family of hybrids, it looks likely.

The FT-CH is a couple of feet shorter than the Prius, and Toyota claim that it would also be cheaper, lighter and sportier… if it goes into production. We’ll just have a random guess – how about a plug-in Prius Coupe by the end of 2013?

3. Honda CR-Z

Another hybrid coupe… but this one’s going on sale in the summer. It’s based on the Insight, which means that unlike the Prius or the possible FT-CH, it won’t be able to run purely on electric power at low speeds. The Insight chassis has had its wheelbase shortened and track widened to help the CR-Z handle decently, and the CR-Z is 50kg lighter than the car on which it’s based. Although, seeing as it’s a 2 seater, that’s no surprise.

The petrol engine is a 1.5 litre compared to the Insight’s 1.3, but 102bhp still doesn’t sound great – even when working alongside the electric motor, total output is just 122bhp. Performance figures haven’t been released yet, but it emits 117g/km of CO2 and should do 56.4mpg. We’ve ranked it higher than the FT-CH because it’s the first to arrive, but we’ll put a pound on the Toyota being the smarter car…

2. Audi e-tron

An electric TT. The e-tron was originally shown at the Frankfurt show last year – generally seen as an electric vision of the R8 supercar. This second version has shrunk to become smaller than a TT – which has helped the weight drop by a quarter of a tonne, to 1390kg. It’s also now rear wheel drive, instead of four wheel drive.

The battery and motor layout is very similar with two motors and a wedge of batteries sitting between the driver and the back wheels. Power is 200bhp and torque a ball-rupturing 1954lb ft: 0-62mph happens in 5.9 seconds and there’s a theoretical range of 150 miles. A much, much more realistic prospect than the original… and nearly 2000lb ft of torque through the back wheels? Make it please.

1. Ford Focus

An essential car for Ford, the UK and the globe. This mk3 Ford Focus will go on sale across the whole world – so it needs to be ruddy amazing. While local tweaks will be made to suit each market, Ford are hoping that global tastes have converged to such an extent that one car fits all: it’s going on sale in 122 countries, with 80% of the car common to all of them.

The new Focus hits the UK in early 2011 – the same time as America and the rest of Europe. We’ll get a new 1.6 turbo charged engine, improved Duratorq diesels, an interior with a focus on quality and a chassis gently tweaked to suit our picky ways. In time, the Focus chassis will spawn saloons, estates, MPVs and crossovers – Ford expect to shift 2 million units a year by 2012. A plague of Focus… it’s biblically important.