Our hearts have been melted, our cynicisms transformed into fuzzy-brained admiration and our TV screens burnt with the unforgettable shape of Pippa Middleton’s arse. But, couldn’t the wedding cars have been a bit cheaper? Yes. They could have been.

So, partly to help the Royal family save a few pennies during their next Big Day and partly to help you dear readers recreate your own bargain basement Royal Wedding, here’s our list of cut price wedding cars. The criteria for selection is simple – British badge, some regal swank and a surprisingly low price tag… so here we go, in ascending price order.

£500 – Rover 800

Don’t let Partridge put you off. The Rover 800, especially high class versions like the Stirling or Vitesse, carry some serious patriotic clout… yet cost just half a grand. For full wedding day impact, try to find one in British Racing green, add a chrome AA badge and chrome spotlights and finish off with the Bride and Groom’s names spelt out in shaving foam on the back window.

£1000 – Jaguar XJ8

For £1000, you will have to settle for the tarnished patriotism of a Ford era Jag, but the 1997-2003 XJ8s come with a regal V8 engine and were at least built in Coventry – the heart of the Queen’s automotive industry. Warn your bride to steer clear of overly puffy dresses though, as leg room is limited in the back of these Union Jack-on-wheels.

£5000 – Rolls Royce Silver Shadow

Costing a heady £6,700 on its release in 1965, the Silver Shadow has all the ingredients of a great wedding car – grace, hertiage and leg room. With a monocoque chassis, extensive use of aluminium plus a hulking great 6.2 V8 this gracious Grandma of motoring also has technology to back up its class – respect from petrolheads to ‘commoners’ is guaranteed.

£10,000 – Bentley Mulsanne

The type of car that will only accept passengers after a blue blood test – those lacking aristocratic DNA are simply not allowed. With a 6.75 litre V8 mated to an automatic gearbox with just 3 speeds, the Mulsanne has legs so long it could be a Middleton. And don’t think it’s an old relic – the chassis architecture was underneath the 21st Century Azure and the basics of the engine are still being used today.

£20,000 – Aston Martin DB7

Yes, OK. It doesn’t have proper back seats and the interior’s a bit grotty… but any self-respecting 4-star blooded Groom would want his bride to drive herself to the wedding. A girl, driving an Aston designed by Ian Callum? The ultimate aphrodisiac. With a supercharged straight-6 engine producing 335bhp, the glowing bride is easily capable of performing a few pre-ceremony donuts. Ideally to the sound of Billy Idol. Perfect

Frankie & Benny’s

Spent some time thrumming about in Hyundai’s facelifted i10, complete with new 3-cylinder petrol engine. It’s a cracking little machine that dips below the magic VED/C-Charge CO2 barrier of 100g/km without resorting to diesel fuel or laptop batteries. Wrote a limerick about it, obviously…

With emissions that won’t hurt a flea

The Blue’s yearly tax disc is free

Add a chassis that’s quick

To a gearshift that’s slick

And city kicks you can guarantee

Hyundai i10 Blue Geek Table

Price: £9,195
Engine: 998cc 3-cylinder petrol
Power: 68bhp
Torque: 70lb ft
MPG: 67.3 combined (claimed)
CO2: 99g/km (claimed)
0-62mph: 14.8 seconds
Max speed: 93mph

The McStats have been released, the McEmbargo on McDriving-Opinions lifted (not that The Sunday Times or Mail on Sunday gave a rat’s hat about that) and the McFirst-Impressions published on the McInterweb. The McLaren MP4-12C, the McMostImportantSupercarThisCenturySoFar, is here. And? Well? AAAAANDD? COME ON??!! IS IT BETTER THAN THE FERRARI 458 ITALIA OR McBLOODY WHAT?

Well… dunno. There’s a misty fug of reservation hanging over the vast majority of first impression articles, and it’s quite frustrating.

Perhaps it’s because the lucky journos who attended the 12C’s launch event at Portimao didn’t have much time with the car. Perhaps it’s because they’re unwilling to deliver a conclusive opinion before performing some head-to-head tom-hoonery with the big red Fez. Quite right too. Perhaps, and we’ll whisper this quietly, perhaps the car’s befuddling scale of talent has actually caused even the most hyperbolic journos to be… how do I put this… lost for words.

From the cold stats, it’s quite clear that the 12C is an engineering masterpiece. A new, ruthlessly capable, mutli-talented breed of supercar. And a re-invention of the supercar deserves a re-invention of the language used to describe them. A new vocabulary. A new way of telling a story. Fresh syntax. Conventions chucked away. The very best car-explainers will no doubt rise to the challenge and make the 12C leap off a page with the ferocity the car itself leaps off a start-line.

Truth be told, I’m almost as excited about the prospect of reading superbly crafted MP4-12C  reviews as I am about the car itself. So come on car journos, don’t let us down… do like McLaren have done and burn the rulebook. And don’t you dare resort to putting the word ‘clinical’ in every paragraph.

MP4-12C Geek Table

Price: £168,500
Power: 592bhp @ 7,000rpm
Torque: 443lb ft @ 3.000 – 7,000rpm
0-62mph: 3.3 secs (3.1 secs with optional ‘Corsa’ tyres)
Max Speed: 205mph
Kerb Weight: 1434kg
Emissions: 279g/km of CO2
MPG: 24.2mpg combined

Spent some time in the brand new ‘global’ Micra recently – a car Nissan will sell in 160 countries across the world. In place of a traditional road test, may we introduce the second in our fledgling series of ‘Review… in a Limerick’.

The global Micra won’t make you giddy

And its styling won’t please the kiddies

But with soft springs, space and kit

It’s not completely shit

Suppose it’ll do for old biddies

Don’t quite understand why ‘global’ means ‘bland’, especially when the excellent Fiesta is equally global but incredibly enjoyable. You do get a thorough splat of equipment, but the nobs and blueteeth are just distractions that keep the price frighteningly close to the Ford’s – we reckon it’d make more sense with fewer gadgets and a cheap as chips, Lidl-spec price tag.

Geek Table

Price: £9,250 – £12,350
Engine: 1.2l 3-cylinder
Power: 79bhp @ 6,000rpm
Torque: 81lb ft @ 4,000rpm
Combined mpg (claimed): 56.5
CO2 emissions (claimed): 115
0-62mph: 13.7 secs
Top speed: 106mph

Trampled under the news hungry feet of various gobby supercars, we’re not sure the Volkswagen XL1 concept is getting the coverage it deserves. A black Porsche 911, a stroked Vantage V8, a 4WD Ferrari, a funny coloured Gallardo, a new Lambo V12 and a bombastic Pagani hypercar? Yes of course. But VW have made a 313mpg plug-in hybrid diesel torpedo – and that’s our type of news.

Of course, manufacturers bandy around concepts with optimistic stats all the time, but we reckon this one is different. It’s got wipers. And what do wipers mean? That’s right, let’s all say it together… WIPERS MEAN REALITY.

The interior looks just an LCD wing mirror away from rolling off a production line. Its shapes, textures and even buttons are a temptingly plausible mix of present day VW bits and near-future design – certainly not a work of fiction.

The XL1’s powetrain is similarly realistic; no jet turbines or sci-fi frippery here thankyou-please. It’s powered by a two-cylinder 800cc turbodiesel, which VW claim chuffs out an entirely believable 47bhp. Electricity comes from a lithium-ion battery powering a 20kW motor, which can propel the car without the help of combustion for up to 22 miles.

0-62mph happens in 11.9 seconds and CO2 emissions are quoted as being just 24g/km – although the temptation to guild the lily there may have been too much to resist… we’ll wait and see.

But its the XL1′s materials and manufacturing processes that create the most compelling evidence of its production viability. To keep its weight down to a light-but-believable 795kg, the XL1 is based around a Carbon Fibre Reinforced Polymer monocoque, the build process of which VW have just developed and recently patented. You don’t file a patent cheaply, easily or for no good reason. They mean business.

So while the hypercars bask in their column inches, here’s a nod to a funny little diesel hybrid. Instead of gluing a laptop battery into the boot of a two tonne SUV, here’s hoping that VW will grasp the nettle, build the thing and push the hybrid market on. Perhaps the XL1 will evolve to become a genuine successor to the revolutionary mk1 Honda Insight. Fingers crossed.

It’s the time of year when the world’s men-folk indulge in one of their Top 5 Favourite Activities – making and reading lists. So as a Christmas present to you loyal reader(s), we’re going to write a list all of our own. Lady and Man, we present The Top Five Cars We’ve Driven in 2010.

5. Mitsubishi Evo X FQ400

When we bagged the keys to Mitsubishi’s window-licking hyper-saloon, we were immediately stunned. This wasn’t just a creaky jap-box being kept alive with a huge iron lung of a turbo, but an incredibly well set-up and easy to drive weapon. Even in the hands of ham-fisted amateurs like ourselves, it danced, whooshed, raced and destroyed. Simultaneously flattering and brutal.

Yes it looks daft, has a tacky interior, costs £50k and won’t do 20mpg – but that’s why it’s only at number 5. For being brilliant as well as preposterous, the Fahk-You-400 makes the list.
Read our original review here.

4. Citroen DS3

Not long ago, Citroen showrooms resembled branches of Lidl – cheap stock piled high to shift quick. To mums and dads after a bargain C4 Picasso, it was great. But everybody else wanted to shop in Waitrose. Which is where the DS3 came in.

Suddenly, Citroen had a posh little car that was genuinely desirable instead of apologetically affordable. The styling was sharp and different, the engines were consistently strong and even the chassis could flick its skirt like a saucy French maid. To our senses, it doesn’t quite match the dynamic ability of a Mini… but in every other respect, it’s better. One of very few new cars we’d actually buy with real-life monies.

Read our original review here.

3. Skoda Superb Estate

The car that took Skoda from plucky underdog to class-leader. While the previous Superb never quite had the gumption to live up to its name, this one wears it with pride. You know the bullied kid at school who goes away for a year, comes back buff and kicks the giblets out of everyone? That’s the Superb. Only it’s far less angry.

Priced from less than £18k, you get the second biggest boot of any estate car in the UK (only beaten by the Merc E-Class), a faultless interior, the best of VW’s current engines and more rear leg-room than anything this side of a Rolls Phantom. It ticks boxes that don’t even exist. There’s even a brolly in the door.
Read our original review here.

2. Honda CR-Z

Shock! ‘The World’s First Sporty Hybrid’© actually is! But strangely, most of its endearing features have little to do with the combination of electricity and combustion under its skin. What stands out for us is the design and engineering that have gone into making it fun to drive.

A snicky six speed manual gearbox. A rorty-on-request exhaust note. Beautifully judged spring and damper settings. A sci-fi-tastic digital hub of a dashboard. Grip and balance that are tweakable on the road. An 80s wedge shape that also nods to the obligatory eco-car steam iron aesthetic. A super-strong chassis with the torsional rigidity of a Civic Type-R. The CR-Z is an incredibly well resolved little car. That it’s cheaper than a Scirocco, C-Charge exempt, costs peanuts to tax and is as economical as a stodgy diesel is a bonus.
Read our original review here.

1. Ford Focus RS500

By far the most memorable car we’ve driven this year, and not just because we drove 800 miles in 24 hours. It’s impossible to imagine how the RS500 shovels on speed until you’ve driven one – we’d swear that only an M3 or 911 Carrera upwards would be able pull away. Extra brownie points are awarded for its ability to achieve such fierce levels of acceleration while maintaining the standard RS’s gloriously granular steering and sweetly weighted controls.

The RS500 is a heart-on-the-sleeve working class hero… it’s carrying a bunch of flowers while beating someone up with beer barrel biceps. How Ford made a £35,000, FWD, 345bhp hatchback quite so appealing is a mystery. But they have.

And there’s a bigger reason to pay respect too. The RS500 marks the end of an era for all the gloriously kinky cars that are being killed because they don’t meet the Euro V emissions regulations: Mazda RX-8, Honda Civic Type-R, VW V10 TDI Touareg and Alfa Romeo 3.2 V6 – it’s a swan song for all of them. Instead of seeming like an over-specced Essex spacker-hatch designed to make some chavs have a wank, it feels like a little chunk of automotive history. It’s etched into our minds… there’s just something about it that gives it an air of importance. A moment in time.

So while Ford could have given the bonkers Focus RS a bolt-gun to the head and packed it off quietly, they didn’t. They made it more powerful, more expensive and more memorable – and that’s why it’s top of the list. Respeck.

Read our original review here.

… he still wouldn’t be half as awesome as Sabine Schmitz. And yes, she’s already got a husband. Sorry

A few months ago, the Paris Motorshow sounded like it was going to be feeble. An Audi A7 (pictured), a BMW X3, a front wheel drive Freelander and a fictional KIA that sounded like a fizzy drink. Dull, tedious, anodyne. Then news broke that Chevrolet were planning to exhibit a five door Cruze. Bloody hell. Watching a nun play solitaire in the dark sounded more exciting.

But then… KERPOW!! Some exciting things were announced. Paris 2010 is going to be a belter. So here are five good reasons to face the French capital’s traffic between the 2nd and 17th of October. Five door Cruze not included.

A Mystery Lamborghini

The Murcielago is dead. Long live whatever Lambo give us at Paris. It’s likely to be called the Jota, will no doubt come with a hulking great V12 engine that’s more powerful than the Merci’s but 20% MORE ECONOMICAL…and, according to internet fiction-mongers, it might even have scissor doors. Leading up to the show, Lamborghini are going to release six teaser pictures of the car, of which this is the first…

Lotus Going Mental

UK Lotus PR bossman, who we’ll call Flo-Rida, has got himself into such a tizz about the countless new Lotus products that he’s forgotten to actually tell anyone what they are… so we’ll mainly have to guess. The only thing we know for sure is that Flo-Rida is taking a 1970s Esprit to the show, so we can safely expect Lotus to reveal the long awaited 21st Century Esprit – complete wth mid mounted, turbocharged V8 engine.

We also know that the Evora has been given a supercharger, hiking power to around 400bhp (that’s no real secret. Might have seen one driving around Millbrook…). They’ll also show off an Evora with an auto-box, made especially for Americans that suffer from muscle wastage in their fat left leg.

On top of that, there’s likely to be a 21^st Century re-imagination of the iconic Lotus Seven sports car, as well as two brand new cars with hybrid powertrains – one a GT, the other closer to the Lotus philosophy of performance through lightweight, but possibly front wheel drive. Details are thin on the ground (and possibly non-existent), but with two new Evoras, an Esprit, a new Seven and two hybrids, expect Lotus to be the centre of attention.

Some French Cars

Being as the show’s in Paris, Citroen, Peugeot and Renault want to get lots of attention. Citroen and Renault might actually get some. New cars with a double chevron badge will include the handsome DS4 (pictured), the ‘well proportioned’ new C4 as well as their nutty electric concept cars the RevoltE and Survolte.

Renault will be distracting people away from the tedium of a facelifted Laguna with their swoopy work of fiction, the DeZir. As a funky platform for new designer Laurens van den Acker to show off his craft, the DeZir suggests that the next generation of Renaults will ditch daintiness in favour of more muscular lines and…blah. Just use your eyes. Your imagination is as good as anyone else’s.

Finally, Peugeot will have the new 508 saloon, which replaces the 407 and 607. Good for them

Ugly Mercedes CLS

When designing the brand new CLS, Mercedes must have frequently asked ‘how on earth do we replace the world’s first four door coupe?’. No matter what they did, the new car would no longer be a world first and therefore lack impact and seem unimaginative.

After countless board meetings where design executives aggressively debated how to follow up such a handsome, groundbreaking car they settled on a tag for the brand new CLS. One they felt would get as much coverage as the original. One with talkability. Impact. They produced The World’s Ugliest Four Door Coupe. You can’t miss seeing this in the flesh.

Jaguar Coupe and Estate

Now that the bread and butter of the XF and the XJ are out and about, Jag can get a jiggle on with expanding their range. At Paris, they’re likely to show off a new XF based coupe and roadster, possibly called the C-Type or XC, as well as an XF estate. It’s unlikely that any new engines will be released, but a small XF based coupe with an angry face and XF-R engine is a lip smacking prospect. Also, let’s not forget that estates are cooler than saloons – so an XF Wagon will be ice cold. Especially with that new 3.0 turbodiesel engine.

So, there you have it. Go to the Paris motorshow… loads of fast, stylish cars and hardly a whiff of a hybrid. Makes a change.

But not if you’re in America. And especially not if you’re on the grass. Approaching a bridge.

Otherwise this might happen…

Apparently the guy has survived… and could be answering some difficult questions from the Police.

Having had a sweet tea, a bracing walk and a glimpse at a picture of an Aston Martin Cygnet to help us get perspective, we can now force our minds to dwell on the Abarth 695 Tributo Ferrari. Just. This scintillatingly named creation is basically a Fiat 500 Abarth that, because of some Ferrari decals and a power hike from 135bhp to 180bhp, costs £29,600. Which is twice the price of a normal one. One car for the price of two. OMflippingG.

‘But ha’, you keenly quip, ‘that’s surely the most sensible way to get a Ferrari badged car for £30k’. Well possibly not, we retort. What if we could prove that a £30k Ferrari is a more practical car to own than a £30k Fiat? Using the brilliant F355 and our newly invented ‘Three P’ car buying criteria, we can do just that.

Practicality

The Ferrari F355 has a 220 litre boot, which is 35 litres bigger than the Abarth’s – this means it can hold more shopping, so you’re less likely to starve to death. With a time of 4.6 seconds, the Ferrari will accelerate to 60mph 2.4 seconds quicker than the Abarth, which makes it safer when pulling into small gaps at a junction. It’s also got much wider tyres, helping it grip harder and letting you drive faster… meaning you get to work quicker to earn more money.

The Ferrari’s 310mm front brake discs will stop the car more abruptly than the Abarth’s 284mm units, allowing you to leave braking until the very last millisecond – again saving time. And, should you be chased by a gunman, the Ferrari will leave your life in less peril than the Abarth, as its 184mph top speed is much faster than the Abarth’s 140mph escape velocity. The Ferrari is, on many levels, a more practical car.

Pleasure

Some aspects of car ownership aren’t objective. The beauty of the styling, the smell of the interior, the noise of the engine… there are attributes that transcend the mechanical and appeal on an emotional level. This is where the Ferrari really excels.

Its 375bhp, 3.5 litre V8 engine is not only 195bhp more powerful than the Abarth’s turbocharged 1.4 litre 4 pot wheezer, but much kinkier. Being mounted directly behind your head, and with less damping between it and the chassis, the Ferrari’s engine rasps and resonates not only through the air, but also through your body.

The Pininfarina styling of the Ferrari is cleaner and sharper than the Fiat penned 500… and, even in the words of a tedious cretin, the interior ‘is a much nicer place to be’. The Ferrari is, on many levels, a more pleasurable car.

Pennies

Now for the real surprise. We already know that the Abarth 695 Tributo Ferrari costs a ‘are you sure that’s not in Zimbabwean dollars’ sum of £29,600. For a supermini, that’s financial rape – a well looked after Ferrari F355, for example, can actually be had for less.

And before you bleat on about how the Ferrari will cost more to run, consider how quickly a Abarth 695 Tributo Ferrari will depreciate. Normal versions of the pudgy Fiat are worth about 46% of their value after three years. We’ll be kind and say the special edition will hold 50%… that still means you’ll take a £15k hit over three years.

Even having to spend £10k replacing the F355’s weak points of catalytic converter, manifolds and cam-belt, you’ll be £5k better off after three years than in the Abarth… which you can spend on petrol and insurance. With no depreciation to speak of, the Ferrari is, on many levels, a more affordable car.

A bigger boot, better performance and a smaller fiscal punch – if you want a £30k Ferrari, buy an F355. Don’t buy a Fiat.

It’s a £50k car with the interior of a £15k car. It looks ridiculous. It’ll struggle to do 20mpg… the Mitsubishi Evo X FQ400 is a very easy car to mock. But having been lucky enough to  spend a couple of nights bonding with one, we’ve found some redeeming features that sprinkle some little shards of brilliance onto the stupidity.

It’ll do 0-62 in less than 4 seconds

Even the cheapest Evo X, the £30k FQ300, hits 62mph in 4.7 seconds – over a second quicker than a Focus RS. But you’ve got to crack it in less than 4 seconds to join the supercar club and REALLY have something to boast about. The Evo X FQ400 is the cheapest car with a roof and proper boot to do just that. To a lot of people, that matters.

It’s got more than just a turbo under the bonnet

Japanese motorsport alchemists HKS have been at the FQ400’s 2.0 litre engine – and they haven’t just strapped a big metal snail to it. Over lesser Evo’s this has a turbo that works better at high temperatures, as well as new injectors, a new ECU with over 500 hours of development time and a new intercooler. Because of those improvements, the FQ400 will not only turn your eyelids inside out as its 403bhp squirms onto the road at 6,500rpm, but also pull from 2,000rpm without being left behind by a 2CV.

It can corner and stop as ferociously as it accelerates

Like the engine, the chassis has much more to it than just brute force. The suspension is 30mm lower on Eibach springs and Bilstein shocks, the brakes are uprated and the track’s wider at the front and back. Bloody works too – not too crashy or so darty that it’s undriveable on narrow roads, but absorbent, adjustable, flattering and staggeringly grippy. The Alcon brakes deserve special mention too… only rubbing a big toe over a still warm disc would reveal more about what’s going on at the wheels.

It doesn’t blind you with technology

The obvious engineering improvements over less well endowed Evos aren’t smothered by a nasty bout of driver aids. You tell the ‘Super All Wheel Drive Control’ the surface you’re driving on and let the Active Centre Differential and Yaw Control discreetly do the rest – sometimes you can sense them scurrying power to different wheels, but they’re generally discreet. Without any sport modes, power dials or adjustable dampers the Evo X feels purer and more mechanical than you think possible from a 4wd 400bhp rude boy.

It makes you feel like a child

Your eyes tell you that the spoiler, diffuser, splitter and carbon fins are in dubious taste… but your inner kid has a naughty grin. Then you hoon it through second gear with your inner kid giggling like he’s being pushed on the world’s biggest swing.  Then you stop, peering through the heat haze that’s started to shimmy up out of the bonnet. And then you hoof it again until you hit the rev limiter in fourth… and go absolutely silent.  Like your inner kid was about to swing right over the top and die. Addictive, naughty, ridiculous… and brilliant.

British Superfans

Extreme G-Forces

Behind the Scenes Glamour

Inconsistent Schumacher

High Class Parties

Immaculately Presented Celebs

Early Starts and Pounding Sun

Rocket Red

Button Nearly Getting a Podium

Hamilton Pleasing the Fans

This Man Being a Turd

In the UK, today is the longest day of the year – so, purely because today is the only day long enough to enjoy them all, we’ve compiled a list of the most protracted, long winded car names ever. Take a deep breath and prey the sun’s still up when you’re done…

5. Toyota Estima Lucida G Luxury Joyful Canopy

An example from the country that gave the world such gems as the Mazda Bongo Friendee, the Mitsubishi ‘MUM 500 Shall We Join Us?’ and the Suzuki Every Joy Pop Turbo. In the UK and America, this Toyota MPV is called the Previa – but in its domestic market of Japan that’s obviously not descriptive enough. Although, seeing as the Estima Lucida G Luxury Joyful Canopy isn’t particularly luxurious or joyful, we’re not sure quite what the name is describing. At least the Canopy bit is vaguely accurate – it refers to the big glass roof.

4. Land Rover Range Rover Sport Limited Autobiography Supercharged

Ah, yes – the Range Rover. It’s made by Land Rover. And this is the lower, tighter Sport model. In top spec Autobiography trim. With a supercharger. Despite the vast array of badges weighing it down, the LR RR SLAS can crack 62mph in 5.9 seconds thanks to the V8 motor’s 503bhp and 461lb ft of torque. It’ll cost you though – the £70,540 starting price works out at £1,259 per letter.

3. Lamborghini Murcielago LP670-4 Super Veloce China Limited Edition

The self explanatory name was obviously chosen by a primary school teacher who’s really good at teaching children to spell phonetically. Just like the teacher will say Lam Bor Gee Nee, Lambo themselves simply spelt out the name by listing its constituent elements. So it’s a Murcielago, it’s got 670PS, it’s got 4 wheel drive, it’s the 100kg lighter super fast model, and it’s a Limited Edition model for China. Only 10 were made, all in the same colour scheme, and all sold to Chinese customers.

2. Rolls-Royce Silver Spur II Touring Limousine by Mulliner Park-Ward

The standard Silver Spur II, released in 1989, was 5.4 metres long – but for some customers even that didn’t allow them to be far enough away from the peasant-class driver. So specialist Rolls Royce coachbuilder Mulliner Park-Ward stepped in and lengthened the car by 60cm, allowing the cigar chomping passenger to sit a further 2 feet away from the chap in the hat up front. It’s so long that there’s enough room for a 10” CRT TV to be mounted in its own walnut cabinet in the middle of the passenger compartment. And the name’s long too. Obviously.

1. Chevrolet Corvette Silver Anniversary Indianapolis 500 Pace Car Replica

In 1978, Chevrolet released a special edition Corvette called the Silver Anniversary to celebrate the model’s 25^th birthday. Pretty smart. The ‘Chevrolet Corvette Silver Anniversary’ is a bit of a mouthful, but it’s an important occasion so easily forgiven. However, that wasn’t the end of it. Because at the 1978 Indy 500, the pace car was a Corvette Silver Anniversary… and what respectable car company wouldn’t make a special edition to acknowledge that? Well, none – not even GM.

So, they slapped on some more silver paint, garnished it with a red pin stripe, bolted on a couple of spoilers and called it the Chevrolet Corvette Silver Anniversary Indianapolis 500 Race Car Replica. Which, as far as we know, is the longest car name ever – with a staggering 63 characters. Perhaps if GM hadn’t spent so much money on name badges 30 years ago, they’d be in less trouble now.

Thanks to various people who we stole pictures off without asking. If you want them back, just ask.

Car manufacturers make a big deal about their heritage. VW stitch chequered patterns into the seats of brand new Golf GTIs to invoke the ‘spirit of the original’, Peugeot have the nerve to badge a gawpy faced shopping trolley as an S16, and BMW even hi-jacked someone else’s heritage when they celebrated the original Mini’s 50th birthday as their own. But why bother? What does such Tony Robinson history gazing actually prove?

Two things. First, that car companies were more innovative and interesting in the past than they are now. And second, that they think people don’t like change. So when the mk5 Golf GTi came around with a radical new double clutch gearbox, proper handling and 200hp, VW didn’t say ‘it’s completely different’ they said it was ‘the original, updated’. Despite the fact it was totally new. Apart from the pattern on the seats, obviously.

The point of such comforting, stylised references is to encourage brand loyalty; ‘don’t worry, your new car will have all the things you like about your old car… but it’ll be better’. We don’t ever really feel the past seeping through a car’s controls and dynamics – we’re just told it’s there. In the DNA. Invisible, intangible… but there. Outside of seat fabric semiotics though, it’s largely bollocks. Marketing, not engineering.

Which makes the Mazda CX-7 a massive surprise, because it’s the exact opposite: a car without heritage, that somehow manages to feel like its busting at the seems with DNA. Not just any old gene strings either, but straight from their most iconic, heritage packed car – the mk1 MX5. It’s because of something we’re going to call mechanical continuity – the tiny but tangible feats of engineering that give a car its character, and that can make different machines genuinely feel related. A sense of mechanical continuity is exactly what the badge engineered new Minis and Peugeot S16s lack. There’s no tangible relationship to the cars which apparently inspired them.

Drive the CX-7 and MX-5 back-to-back and, despite the enormous differences in their purposes, the similarities are more striking than the differences. Not because of some flaky reference to the spirit of open-topped motoring either, but because of an impression of genuine ancestry. The gearchanges, for instance, could have been made on identical factory lines. Snicky, short, mechanical, deliberate and satisfying – each car’s box rewards a precise left hand.

The steering too, has a closely related manner. Over-assisted around the dead-ahead, quick to react, detailed under load and linear… both systems feel like they’ve come from the same engineer’s workshop. Light, sharp clutches which punish lapses in concentration. Brakes which bite with little effort but can be modulated easily. Interiors with circular vents, clear dials and stubby gear levers. Bodywork that doesn’t feel as if it’s got class leading torsional rigidity. The cars are separated by 15 years, 750kg, drivetrain layouts, transmissions, purposes and even number of seats… but there’s a clear ancestry pinning them together.

So why don’t Mazda say call it ‘the MX-5… but off-road’ or something? Why don’t they peddle the past to sell the future? They’d got reasonable grounds to do so after all – the CX-7 feels more closely related to an MX-5 than a 207 S16 does to a 205 S16 after all. They could have given it pop-up lights and everything.

It’s probably because they think the car buying public aren’t stupid. They don’t expect us to fall for the marketing spiel… they know that seat fabrics don’t give a new car the spirit of an old one. It’s a commendable, respectable way of dealing with car buyers. Treating them respect, and an assumption that we’re not all susceptible to pretty pictures and break dancers with Gene Kelly’s head. And when was the last time you saw a CX-7? Exactly. Never. We’re too stupid to give it a chance. If it was called the MX-4×4 they’d be all over the place.

A few months ago, mad-cap Yank tuning shop Hennessey mentioned something about dropping a 1,000bhp, twin-turbo V8 into the back of an Elise and calling it the Venom GT. Sounded daft. Then they released some shadowy pics, then a shonky road test video, then they were featured in Top Gear mag and then… they’d comfortably proved they weren’t daft at all. They were insane. Just in case we needed more reasons to question their mental health, they’ve just released a new video of the car on a dyno. Sounds amazing.

In a couple of weeks, the Range Rover will be forty years old. Through four decades of technological progress, it’s not only become the best off-roader in the muck, but the best off-roader on the road. It had coil springs, on and off-road ABS, driver and passenger air bags, self levelling suspension and electronic air suspension before any other SUV.

But the Rangie’s muddy-time tech innovations aren’t the only factors in its success. There’s also the bling… and nothing says bling like over-guilded, diamante encrusted headlight jewellery. So to celebrate the fact that Range Rover can make cars for crystal fingered footballers without annoying the hard-working farmers, here’s a chronology of Range Rover headlights – from the soft Halogen of a 1970 Classic to the LED and Xenon pierce of a facelifted L322. You can click it to make it bigger.

Now shut your eyes, blow out the twinkling LED candles, and wish for another 40 years of Range Rovers that satisfy tarty taste without sacrificing mud-munching prowess. Happy Birthday Range Rover – and never forget that farmers are more important than footballers.

We can only apologise. While we were being distracted by pictures of their RS5, Audi released the third and fourth videos in their A1 promotional campaign. In these two, Justin Timberlake (who’s now called Jon), zips about in the little red Mini-hater, sharing raunchy glances with the woman who he doesn’t really know. Seeing as the first video saw the woman being shot at, we can only assume she’s obviously a horrible, horrible lady that he’s better off avoiding. Find out below if he sticks with her, or tells her to naff off and steals her car. Or just keeps running away from the men with guns…

In pt.1, Justin, who’s now called John, was cajoled into helping an abrupt lady escape from men with guns. In pt.2 , the escape continues as he finds himself driving the abrupt lady’s Audi A1 in a car chase. Just as he loses them his phone rings. Bugger. But no! He’s got a handsfree kit, that unlike any other car in the world, has paired to his phone without him jabbing in 0000 four times while swearing. And after that, it gets even more interesting…

Ever seen those Orange cinema trailers where a spurious plot is invented purely to justify the presence of a phone? Yup, us too. Nothing like as awkward as justifying an Audi…

Nonetheless, pt.2 throws up some important questions. Will Jus… sorry, John, deliver the package? Will the necklace explode? Will he say ‘shit’ again? Will we ever find out what bunny means? Will the cupholder come in handy as a gun cubby? Find out at some point in the near future, right here.