Let’s get the obvious out of the way with first. Skoda haven’t made a rubbish car for a decade, and the Superb name is neither new or inaccurate, so don’t scoff at that either. Alright? Good. Now we can get on.

Based on last year’s all new saloon, this is the first ever Superb Estate – and it’s proper, genuinely, 100% totally bloody amazing. Not in a ‘oh yeah… that Skoda’s really brilliant… I mean, ha, fancy Skoda making a good car’ way. Not in a ‘I suppose it’s an impressive achievement considering its price’ way either. But in a ‘Shit. Really. Where an earth did that come from? Wow’ way. If you want an analogy, this is their iPhone – a product that does absolutely everything, redefining the brand all over again.

Seeing as sycophantic reviews always sound rubbish, we’ll stay factual, measured and objective… and being as it’s an estate, we’ll start with the boot. The Superb’s rear measures 633 litres with the seats up and 1865 litres with the seats down – massive. But unless you frequently carry around fresh air or litre bottles of water, that’s all meaningless. So have some reference points:

Volvo’s biggest current estate is the V70 – with the seats up it’s got a 575 litre boot, rising to 1600 when they’re down. So the Superb Estate has a bigger boot than the biggest Volvo. Fact. That also makes it bigger than an A6 Avant, new BMW 5 Touring, Ford Mondeo Estate, Vauxhall Insignia Sports Tourer and VW Passat Estate. In fact, the only estate on sale today with a bigger boot is the new Mercedes E-Class.

So we’ll use the big-E as a reference point for price, interior quality and equipment – a Mercedes is a tough benchmark for a Skoda to match after all. The cheapest Superb Estate is the 1.4 TSI at £18k, rising to the most expensive £30k 3.6 V6. The very cheapest E-Class Estate is also £30k, in the shape of the E200 CGI 4-cyl petrol. A handy comparison.

The interior of the Skoda is better to look at, nicer to touch and more intuitive to use than the Merc’s. Less tacky, better damped, more ergonomic. There’s more kit in it too, including the best touch screen entertainment system of any car on sale anywhere, standard fit sat nav and the flawless DSG gearbox from VW. If you want sat nav and auto in the Merc, you’ll need to spend another £2,500.

But you still won’t have the Skoda’s performance – the V6 has 260bhp and cracks 62mph in just 6.6 seconds. Through the gears, using the massive 258lb ft hunk of torque that’s spread right across the middle of the rev range, you’ll outrun most hot hatches that bother to try. The £30k Merc is 80bhp and 60lb ft down as well as two seconds slower to 62mph… a Merc with similar performance and similar kit costs over £40k. Crikey.

Of course though, you’d be a little mad to buy a brand new V6 car with an mpg figure in the 20s when petrol costs £1.20 a litre. As quick as it might be, it’s not worth the pleasure. What you should really get is the sensible 140bhp diesel which, even when you’ve added the DSG box, costs less than £25k in top-spec Elegance trim.

With the double clutch set-up, the diesel Superb is just as smooth as the V6, barely noisier, cracks 60mph in 10 secs and is still effortlessly torquey – but it’s quoted at 51.4mpg combined. The most economical, cheapest Merc estate diesel is over £6,000 more expensive, 5mpg worse off and only 1 second quicker to 62mph. Its auto box isn’t as smooth as the Skoda’s automated manual either.

Bored of the praise yet? Sorry. It’s nearly over. We’re labouring the point just to make sure you don’t under-estimate quite how brilliant the Skoda is. The E-Class Estate hasn’t been used because it’s an easy benchmark to beat and prove a point – it’s been used because it’s currently the best premium estate on sale, and because it therefore gets the closest to matching the Skoda’s ginormous spread of talent.

So, bad points then. Erm… literally? No. Space, refinement, speed, price, economy, ergonomics, equipment, quality and even styling are all beyond criticism. This is a real second coming for Skoda. After the revelation at the beginning of the last decade that they can make cars as good as anyone else, they’ve now gone and shown that they can actually make cars better than anyone else.

If you can think of another estate that can do everything the Superb does, please let us know. If not, then let’s all form a loyal band of disciples and worship the new Messiah of Estates. If Apple geeks can call the iPhone the Jesus phone, can’t us car geeks call the Superb Estate the Jesus car? You don’t get a brolly in the door of an iPhone anyway.

Car manufacturers make a big deal about their heritage. VW stitch chequered patterns into the seats of brand new Golf GTIs to invoke the ‘spirit of the original’, Peugeot have the nerve to badge a gawpy faced shopping trolley as an S16, and BMW even hi-jacked someone else’s heritage when they celebrated the original Mini’s 50th birthday as their own. But why bother? What does such Tony Robinson history gazing actually prove?

Two things. First, that car companies were more innovative and interesting in the past than they are now. And second, that they think people don’t like change. So when the mk5 Golf GTi came around with a radical new double clutch gearbox, proper handling and 200hp, VW didn’t say ‘it’s completely different’ they said it was ‘the original, updated’. Despite the fact it was totally new. Apart from the pattern on the seats, obviously.

The point of such comforting, stylised references is to encourage brand loyalty; ‘don’t worry, your new car will have all the things you like about your old car… but it’ll be better’. We don’t ever really feel the past seeping through a car’s controls and dynamics – we’re just told it’s there. In the DNA. Invisible, intangible… but there. Outside of seat fabric semiotics though, it’s largely bollocks. Marketing, not engineering.

Which makes the Mazda CX-7 a massive surprise, because it’s the exact opposite: a car without heritage, that somehow manages to feel like its busting at the seems with DNA. Not just any old gene strings either, but straight from their most iconic, heritage packed car – the mk1 MX5. It’s because of something we’re going to call mechanical continuity – the tiny but tangible feats of engineering that give a car its character, and that can make different machines genuinely feel related. A sense of mechanical continuity is exactly what the badge engineered new Minis and Peugeot S16s lack. There’s no tangible relationship to the cars which apparently inspired them.

Drive the CX-7 and MX-5 back-to-back and, despite the enormous differences in their purposes, the similarities are more striking than the differences. Not because of some flaky reference to the spirit of open-topped motoring either, but because of an impression of genuine ancestry. The gearchanges, for instance, could have been made on identical factory lines. Snicky, short, mechanical, deliberate and satisfying – each car’s box rewards a precise left hand.

The steering too, has a closely related manner. Over-assisted around the dead-ahead, quick to react, detailed under load and linear… both systems feel like they’ve come from the same engineer’s workshop. Light, sharp clutches which punish lapses in concentration. Brakes which bite with little effort but can be modulated easily. Interiors with circular vents, clear dials and stubby gear levers. Bodywork that doesn’t feel as if it’s got class leading torsional rigidity. The cars are separated by 15 years, 750kg, drivetrain layouts, transmissions, purposes and even number of seats… but there’s a clear ancestry pinning them together.

So why don’t Mazda say call it ‘the MX-5… but off-road’ or something? Why don’t they peddle the past to sell the future? They’d got reasonable grounds to do so after all – the CX-7 feels more closely related to an MX-5 than a 207 S16 does to a 205 S16 after all. They could have given it pop-up lights and everything.

It’s probably because they think the car buying public aren’t stupid. They don’t expect us to fall for the marketing spiel… they know that seat fabrics don’t give a new car the spirit of an old one. It’s a commendable, respectable way of dealing with car buyers. Treating them respect, and an assumption that we’re not all susceptible to pretty pictures and break dancers with Gene Kelly’s head. And when was the last time you saw a CX-7? Exactly. Never. We’re too stupid to give it a chance. If it was called the MX-4×4 they’d be all over the place.

Organic Veal

Can you make a carrot taste meaty? Think about it – because it’s a tough and incredibly pertinent question. Would you even want to? Aren’t carrots and meat better off in harmonious, balanced diet co-existence? Or would life be easier if you could get a meat hit and vegetably goodness from one crunchy stick? It’s a tricky one. And so is the new Honda CR-Z… because it throws up the exact same quandary.

Honda call their new coupe the world’s first ‘sporty hybrid’ – a juxtaposition of words just as awkward as ‘meaty carrot’. At the £16k to £20k price level of the CR-Z, hybrids have always been about economy, economy and a little bit more economy. Very much carrot cars. So, has adding some sporty meat diluted the purity of the carrot or made it a more widely desirable dish? Is it good?

Against all odds, yes. As long as you manage your expectations. The engine, for instance is very much carrot – a 1.5 litre, 112bhp version of the Insight’s 1.3 petrol unit, which together with the Insight’s 14bhp electric motor can muster a peak of 122bhp. Which gives the CR-Z the performance of a car that isn’t fast.

But thanks to a grunty exhaust note and decent 128lb ft wedge of torque from a low 1,500rpm, it still feels meaty enough to call itself sporty – and the 9.9 sec 0-62mph time sits well with the combined 56mpg and 117g/km of CO2. Only just squeezing under the 10 second 0-62mph mental block might sound weak, but let’s get back to the CR-Z’s price again – it’s at entry level Scirocco and mid-spec Volvo C30 money. Of the three S, Sport and GT trims, Honda expect the £18k Sport to sell the best – an £18k Scirocco 1.4 TSI is just two tenths quicker to 62mph, but 10mpg worse off. The Scirocco TDI is £3k more, half a second quicker but no more economical. An £18k Volvo 2.0SE will crack 62mph in 9.4 secs but won’t even do 40mpg.

It all adds up to an enticing package for real life humans who want a rorty sound, angular metal and a decent chance of not being forced into poverty at every BP visit. Honda have clearly worked hard on giving it a proper exhaust note too.

It’s a similar menu of well-judged finesse for the chassis – a lower, stiffer and wider version of what you’ll find under the body of a Jazz supermini or Insight hybrid. The forgiving, easy nature of the Jazz is tangible, but bolstered with a keener to turn, sharper attitude. Carrot shaped Jazz with beefed up geometry. There isn’t an endless meaty bucket of grip, or an overdone attitude to firmness and roll control – just an intelligent balance between fleet footed fun and soft edged compliance.

The alertness of the Scirocco is missing, but so is the occasionally crashy ride, while it both corners and cossets better than the C30. You just can’t quite shake off the feeling that an extra 30bhp would transform it from incredibly enjoyable to proper fun. There’s always the rumoured Mugen version…

What it does better than either Scirocco or C30 is look a little bit special, inside and out. The first glimpse most people had of the CR-Z was at the Detroit Motor Show last year, where it seemed under-wheeled, awkwardly angled and slightly bulbous around the bonnet. In the flesh, on the streets, it now looks spot on. And it gets better on the inside. Some of the plastics that make up the lower half of the dash feel like they’d crack on a sunny day, but the top half and touch points all feel posh enough, with a genuinely fresh feeling to the design and layout. The decently snicky 6-speed manual (the first time such a box has been bolted onto a hybrid powertrain) deserves mention too. Meaty, but not erm… too fatty or stodgy. Hmm.

So, there’s just enough meat to the way it sounds, corners and goes to justify Honda’s apparently contradictory placement of the word ‘sporty’ next to the word ‘hybrid’. This carrot got meat. And, bizarrely, all of the hybrid electronics actually add to this sporty feel – not just in the way that the electric motor pushes you along with a hint of turbo like torque, but in the way the workings of the powertrain are presentered to the driver. There are three driving modes; Normal, Eco and Sport, all of which feature their own mini-technicolour dash show and appropriate dynamic tweaks.

In Sport mode, the throttle response is sharper, steering weightier, electric motor more keen to assist and instrument binnacle light a constant red. Hit normal and the throttle softens off, steering eases up, electric motor holds itself back and the instruments glow to reflect your driving style – green is good, blue adequate and red bad (otherwise known as fast). Eco mode softens things up so far as to be offensive and even weakens the car’s air con to keep fuel efficiency up. As well as the mood glowing lights, the CR-Z also shows five LED trees which either shed or grow leaves depending on your driving. Trying to make them all fall off as quickly as possible is clearly the best game to play, but attempting to nurture them back again does at least provide the opportunity for fun when you’re not driving like a robber.

These little gimmicks help you realise you’re not just driving a slightly underpowered coupe – you’re driving a car that lets you choose between class-beating economy and class matching performance. Instead of questioning whether you can make a carrot taste meaty, or how much the world really needs one, the CR-Z has a wide enough spread of talents to let you just accept it for what it is – a good value, fun to drive, comfortable and smartly resolved coupe. It might not look great on the menu, but Honda have made the world’s first meaty carrot. Very well done.

Digesting the news… then spewing it out in 60 words

Volkswagen announced a new in-house performance brigade, Volkswagen R GmbH, who’ll make their quick cars. Vauxhall introduced new threadbare ‘Expression’ and ‘ES’ spec levels to its range, dropping starting prices by up to £3,675. Honda announced the recall of 412,000 cars in America because of ‘soft brakes’. And there were more suggestions that the drink-drive limit could be lowered.

Digesting the news… then spewing it out in 60 words

The three finalists for the massively relevant World Car of the Year were announced – the Mercedes E-Class, Toyota Prius and Volkswagen Polo. Toyota looked into complaints that some US cars were still accelerating at inconvenient moments. And British racing hero Sir Stirling Moss fell down a lift shaft in his home, breaking both ankles – get well soon wishes to him.

Just like kids always tell outlandish lies to their mates, motorshows always feature ridiculous concept cars. As fictional as the powertrains and styling may be, they at least serve as a statement of intent, showing what technology the R&D department is spending its money on, and what direction a manufacturer’s style house is heading. Here are the best concepts of Geneva 2010.

Citroen Survolt

At Frankfurt, Citroen had the unfortunately named Revolte – a fictional car apparently designed for Penelope Pit Stop. At Geneva, they ran with the ‘girl racer’ theme and showed off the Survolt – an electric, two-door sports car which had lots of pink on it.

We asked Citroen man whether the little eye lashes were hinting at the shape of future Citroen daytime running lights, and whether the size and shape of the car (a Megane sized, Scirocco bating coupe) hinted at a future model, but he didn’t confirm or deny. Which means ‘well, yes… probably. But the boss in France has told me to keep schtum.’ Nice looking car, with a hint of Veyron on the shoulders. Because you’re worth it.

Ferrari 599 HY-KERS

Not a Ferrari designed for the strong-legged hiking community, but one built with a Formula One style KERS hybrid system. It’s just a concept at the moment, but Ferrari have been running a car with a similar system for nearly a year, so similar technology is likely to trickle down – the California will come with a stop/start system soon, for a start.

SEAT IBE

A quiet surprise from SEAT was their little electric shooting break/hatch, which is apparently running on similar gubbins to VW’s UP city car. It’s got a 75kW electric motor which can whiz it to 62mph in less than 10 seconds, because it only weighs around a tonne.

It might turn out to just be pure fiction, but with the VW Group having the UP and Bluesport electric cars, it’s not hard to imagine the next Leon, Ibiza or new SEAT coming with an electric powertrain.

Porsche 918 Spyder Plug-In Hybrid

This was the shock of the show, catching everyone by surprise when it was unveiled on Monday night. It looked stunning, with wheels, lines and vents that begged to be put into production… which might not be as far away as first appears – rumours have it that this will be the Carrera GT’s replacement.

It’s easy to sneer at the stats for being works of pure fiction, but Porsche aren’t usually ones to invent figures without serious groundwork behind them, so here’s hoping all this can be real: 500bhp V8, 218bhp electric motor, 70g.km of CO2, 94mpg and 0-62mph in 3.2 seconds. Porsche also claim it laps the Nurburgring quicker than the Carrera GT. Keep an eye out for it – they’ve kept it secret for this long after all.

Digesting the news… then spewing it out in 60 words

Today, many cars were revealed. Nissan thrust their striking Yeti rivalling crossover upon us. VW showed off the new Touareg – now with a 34mpg, 375bhp hybrid that can run on just electricity. Kia bandied around their plug-in hybrid Ray concept, which hints at what a Kia Prius rival would be like. And Audi unveiled official pics of their new A1.

Owners of the last shape Mazda3 MPS spent just as much time defending their cars against cynical mates as they did driving them. Banging on about the 256bhp power output, 6.1 second 0-62mph time and 155mph top speed, they were adamant that because it had better stats than a Golf GTi, the MPS was a better car. Sadly, their mates knew otherwise. The old car looked bland, felt synthetic and squirmed its power away with embarrassingly premature wheelspin. So, perhaps this new one can redress the balance and give its owners some more sophisticated grounds to argue on.

Encouragingly, all the key numbers have stayed exactly the same. Power, acceleration and top speed benchmarks are all identical to the last one, from the same 2.3 litre turbocharged four cylinder engine. All the work has gone into making it lighter and more rigid. So, in not worrying about making it look more impressive on paper, have Mazda made it more impressive on tarmac?

Being based on the current Focus, it’s got a crisp balance, a well-judged blend between roll control and pliancy, and decently chatty steering. It feels better resolved, more sophisticated and smarter than the last one – but it’s still not as accomplished as a Megane, Golf or Focus hotty. The better ride and awesome speed do mean we’d have an MPS over a Civic Type-R though.

And there’s still no getting away from the insanity going on at the front wheels. Any camber, rut or grease will be sniffed out and followed like a hunting hound to fox piss. On dry country roads it’s fun chasing the car down the route it wants to take, but on anything damp it’s a pain – even on what look like straight roads, you’ll be tugging against the torque as the boost comes in at 2,500rpm. Despite having limited torque output in first and second gears, and despite an LSD and torque-sensing software that adjusts the grunt depending on your steering inputs, it too often shows exactly why Ford invented Revoknuckle.

But the new MPS doesn’t rely on paper stats anywhere near as heavily as the previous car – despite the common faults, it comes closer to feeling like a well-rounded, controllable and dynamically talented hot hatch than before. Add an enormous kit list with parking sensors, bi-xenon lights, a cracking Bose hi-fi, leather everything and sat nav to a low £21,500 price and it starts to look like a sensible buy. The looks, even though it’s only available in practical but uncool 5dr, finally do the frenetic power delivery justice.

So, while even new MPS owners will need to defend their car to their mates, they’ll be able to put up a much stronger argument. It’s still no class leader, but offers incredible value, is incredibly quick and  much of the time frantic fun. If you’re the type who likes to end an argument with an arm wrestle, it could be just what you’re looking for.

You can tell a lot about a brand by its supermini; they’re distilled versions of a company’s vision, designed and built to the tightest brief. Which makes the outgoing Citroen C3 something of a loud-mouthed embarrassment, shouting only bad things about Citroen’s interior quality, woolly dynamics and desperately heavy discounting – it’s an automotive pound shop. Finally though, they’ve got round to replacing it… so has this C3 mk2 finally got something good to say?

Starting from the outside, yes. The new model is nicely sculpted, well proportioned and adorned with all the spangly lighting needed to attract the fussiest magpie-like buyers. It sits quite high, clearly a cousin of the C3 Picasso mini-MPV with which it shares a chassis, but isn’t lofty enough to look like the Pope should be in the back.

Price-wise, it’s showing Citroen’s new found confidence – gone are the bargain bucket, big volume discounts, replaced with the type of price-tags you’d expect from a car worth buying. The range starts at £10,790 but the biggest seller is expected to be the £13,190 1.4 90bhp petrol in VTR+ trim, which spec-for-spec is right on Fiesta money. However, by some mysterious turn of events (and keen VW pricing), that makes the C3 pricier than a VW Polo. Cripes. So, how does the C3 fare without its bargain price?

On the road, not brilliantly. While it feels far better engineered than the previous model, it can’t match a Fiesta for poise or Polo for maturity. Mainly, it rides incredibly well with a knack for quiet cruising – but push it over a particularly abused pothole and it’ll quickly shudder and thump in disapproval. It’s comfortable and easy most of the time, but the better resolved Polo does a smarter job for less cash.

Our 120bhp 1.6 16v engine didn’t shine either. While essentially the same motor as in a Mini Cooper, it lacks low down pull and gets noisily sulky when asked to work hard – it never feels as quick as the 8.9 sec 0-62mph time suggests. Two 1.4 petrols with 75 or 90bhp, a 70bhp 1.4 turbodiesel and a 110bhp 1.6 turbodiesel round off the engines, all emitting less than 140g/km of C02 with a manual gearbox.

So, to catch up on what the C3 has been saying about Citroen. Good looks are offset with strong pricing and low emissions are countered with an only adequate drive… no surprises there. It’s a massive improvement, but nothing that shouts ‘buy me’ with much conviction. Until you look up.

All but the bottom VT spec cars come with what Citroen call a ‘Zenith’ windscreen – a ruddy great piece of glass so big you’ll bugger your neck trying to see all of it. In the hustle and bustle of the supermini market, it’s a massive USP.

The interior is already the single biggest improvement over the old car, now being just as well screwed together as a Fiesta’s, but all the extra light transforms it. You’ll need to spend £12,690 to buy a model with it fitted, but without the epic glass, the C3 doesn’t make half as much sense. The floating mirror might spoil the effect slightly, but such a vast sky lets you forgive the C3’s bland drive – even when it’s wazzing it down.

In the end, the C3 talks Citroen’s talk fluently – interesting design, cool styling, an unhurried drive… and a little twist of something weird. Like half a roof. It might not be an altogether better car than a Fiesta or Polo, but Citroen certainly shouldn’t need to resort to pound-shop discounting to shift it.

Digesting the news… then spewing it out in 60 words

The LA Auto Show opened. VW showed their Up! Lite concept, a four seat, 96mpg, 800cc diesel hybrid. Honda displayed the P-NUT concept – a 1+2 seater for city types. Porsche announced they’ll make a hybrid Panamera in 2011. Chevrolet’s electric Volt will be on sale in California in 2011. Elsewhere, GM President Fritz Henderson stepped down at the company’s request.

To make Toyota feel slightly better about missing out on the Car of the Year paperweight, we’ve put together a man-friendly list of the worst ever winning cars – because it’s not like the judges haven’t got it wrong before. See this as a best of the worst – a thoroughly British way of celebrating mediocre shitness. So, in reverse order…

5. Simca 1307 – 1976
An odd contraption, built in France and owned by Chrysler – with the type of ergonomics you’d expect when French quirkiness meets American bad sense. A big deal was made of the practicality of its front wheel drive, hatch-back design… despite the first VW Passat doing the same a couple of years previously. The biggest joke is how a car running on push-rod engines managed to push the SOHC E21 BMW 3-Series into second place.

4. Fiat Bravo/Brava – 1996
Let’s get the positive out of the way with; the back lights on the Brava (that’s the 5dr one) were cool, and the seats were comfy – but other than that, both the Bravo and Brava were rubbish. The electrics would only work on the second Tuesday of the month, they plain refused to go round corners without leaning on their wing mirrors, only got a two star EuroNCAP crash rating and came near the bottom of every quality/satisfaction/reliability survey they were entered in.

3. Vauxhall Insignia - 2009
The wound is still fresh on this one. The Insignia isn’t a bad car, but come on… it’s not even the best in its class, never mind the best car released all year. It may have only pipped the thoroughly excellent Ford Fiesta into second place by a single point, but there’s rarely been a more misleading point in COTY history.

2. Alfa Romeo 147 – 2001
This is the other ‘victory by a point’ travesty, but the calibre of the cars it beat makes this an even bigger misnomer than the Insignia. Remember how amazing the mk3 Mondeo was when it was released? Well, according to the 2001 result, it’s not as good as a flimsy Alfa Romeo 147. Pretty? Yes. But an intelligently designed, high quality, durable product? Don’t be daft. The cherry on the cake is how the Toyota Prius was pushed down into third… hybrids may be leading us up the garden path, but at least it was trying.

1. Fiat Uno – 1984
If you conducted a group test between the newly released mk2 VW Golf, the Peugeot 205 and the Fiat Uno, which one would you expect to win? The debate between the Pug and Veedub could run forever, but it would never ever be the Fiat. So, how did the COTY panel justify handing the Uno victory, above the Golf in 2nd and 205 in 3rd? Because ‘its basic version still keeps the veteran OHV 903 cc engine from the 127′. That’s right – the Fiat Uno is better than a mk2 Golf because it uses a 0.9l engine from the mid 70s. Brilliant. Next time you see a mk2 Golf soldiering on into it’s second decade on the road, go see what the owner says when you tell them they should have bought a Fiat Uno instead. Their response will sum up the relevance of the whole award.

The Car of the Year 2010 gong has been handed to the VW Polo, sparking a raging debate over what’s less imaginative – the car, or the decision to give it victory. The little Volkswagen pipped the thoroughly interesting Toyota iQ into second place by 10 points, with many pundits claiming Toyota ‘was robbed’, and that the whole scenario is almost as unfair as Ireland not qualifying for the World Cup because of Thierry Henry’s hand ball. Obviously VW didn’t cheat (corruption and bribes have definitely never played a part in the judgement process), but they have got bloody lucky.

Closer inspection of the results shows that the Polo was voted the best car by 25 of the 59 judges, and received a total score of 347 against the iQ’s 24 win votes and 337 points. Here’s a run down of the total scores:

1. Volkswagen Polo 347 points

2. Toyota iQ 337 points

3. Vauxhall Astra 221 points

4. Skoda Yeti 158 points

5. Mercedes-Benz E-class 155 points

6. Peugeot 3008 144 points

7. Citroen C3 Picasso 113 points

Readers with unusual memories, or the ability to click here, will no doubt be keen to point out that the Citroen C3 Picasso which we expected to be fighting the iQ for the top spot actually came last. We’d still have voted iQ first and C3 Picasso first. So there.

Digesting the news… then spewing it out in 60 words

Volkswagen were reported to be thinking about supplying Formula One engines from 2012. The Phoenix Four Rover ruiners returned £3,000,000 to MG, after an out of court discussion about how treacherous they are. And the Russian government announced they’d pump £1billion into Lada’s parent company Avtovaz, in exchange for Renault (who own 25% of the company) providing some new technology.

It’s been destruction derby day at EuroNCAP, with the release of their latest crash test ratings – we see it as our duty to bring you what we learnt from today’s findings.

Well… we learnt that there need to be more stars.

Out of the 12 cars tested, only two didn’t receive the top 5 stars overall. The Mazda3, Infiniti FX, Citroen DS3, Mercedes GLK, Vauxhall Astra, Peugeot 5008, Mercedes E-Class, VW Scirocco, Chevrolet Cruze and BMW X1 all got the full quota.

The dunces were the Toyota Urban Cruiser with 3 stars and Chevrolet Spark with 4. In fairness, Toyota are having a stern word with EuroNCAP as they think there might be some discrepancies. The dropped marks come from a poor performance in the ‘pole side impact’ test.

Anyway, we know that what you really want is to see some crashes – so here’s the 5 star Mercedes E-Class and the 3 star Urban Cruiser… it’s like a morbid spot-the-difference.

If you’d like to see the full test results in a more thorough manner, then get clicking on these yellow words.

If you’re like us, you’ll have a habit of equating hot hatches with various genres of dance. The art of choreographed leaping shares a lot with the art of making shopping cars go quickly: an appreciation of rhythm; the visceral sense of power; the demand for agility… and, if you’re really doing it right, an emotional twinge. So, lets find out what the Ibiza Cupra Bocanegra is dancing to.

Could it be ballet? The daintiest and most technically nuanced discipline, mastered by the Seat’s Renaultsport Clio 200 rival. Warming up in pink tights, the Ibiza looks good – at £16,695 it’s a few hundred quid cheaper than the Clio, even after the £700 face-job of this Bocanegra edition. It looks meaner as it enters the dance floor too… but a flat-footed plie reveals an early unwillingness to ping around on Clio tippy toes. It looks nervous.

After some perseverance, the Ibiza livens up – but never quite matches the Renault’s dainty flair. The chassis has fallen victim to its own uptight stiffness; there’s so much rigidity that it can’t show off with the fluid rhythm of the quick Clio. Despite an electronic diff controlling the footwork, it ain’t no ballerina. Far too hard for all that flouncing about.

So, seeing as it’s too rigid for ballet, does it prefer a more regimented line dance? Thankfully not – it’s got too much energy. With a super- and turbo-charger strapped onto the little 1.4, the 178bhp Ibiza is an addictively meaty dance partner, with 184lb ft of torque twisting your hips from just 2,000rpm. It’s muscly, grunty and keen – a 7.2 second 0-62mph time is too quick for line dancing, so let’s move on before a biddy has a heart attack and spoils it for everyone.

Flamenco? A bit of gregarious hand-clapping and shouting seems right up the Ibiza’s street, and not just for lazy Spanish metaphors. While a Clio 200 would sneer at the castanets and nylon strung guitars for not being highbrow enough, the Ibiza is happy to get stuck in, grabbing you by the shirt frills and plying you with sangria. Tune into the dance and you’ll note the tactile steering and grinning enthusiasm as it sticks to the floor with grippy dancing shoes.

But still, even flamenco’s not quite right… there’s too much precision from the DSG gearbox – it wants to dance to something tighter. The double clutch system perfectly choreographs the Ibiza’s routine – whether in flappy paddle manual or subtle auto, there’s a chunky momentum to progress as everything works together and draws you in. The meaty sound, torquey pull and tactile steering make it feel like a mini-Scirocco. A proper grown-up.

And it’s the visceral, grunty nod to the Scirocco school of dance that reveals what the Cupra has been thumping along to all night. It might not be the most refined or dainty discipline – but balls to the bloody ballet. The Ibiza is having a laugh on a West End stage, banging bin lids and smacking broomsticks in shouty unison – the Cupra Bocanegra is dancing to the hard, visceral and addictive… Stomp the Musical.

Digesting the news… then spewing it out in 60 words

Cadillac announced a coupe version of their geometric CTS saloon, which will go on sale in America next year – UK availability is unconfirmed. Volkswagen said they’ll open a new factory in 2011, which bodes well for the future production of their BlueSport roadster. And the Phoenix Four angered Birmingham by receiving £2.5 million each from the ruins of MG. Swines.

Trouser Tent

The 7 finalists for the award that has been awarded the ‘most promoted award that bears no relevance to the buying public’ award were today announced. Because none of them are Italian, it’s very hard to predict a winner – a problem that isn’t helped by the COTY website’s description of each car, which appears to have been written as part of an English exam by a French schoolboy.

So, to better introduce the finalists, and help predict which car will win, on the sidewalls kindly offers its own translation and betting odds service:

Citroen C3 Picasso

COTY website: ‘The Picasso saga has been a success for Citroën since 1998, and the new model with a fresh style will likely continue it. The anticipation of the future C3 family is the entry offer in the Citroën line of MPVs with real capabilities for family use’.

Translation: The Picasso sold by the bucketload in 1998 because it was so bloody cheap, and even though this one’s more expensive, people in their 30s think it looks cool so it’ll probably do just as well. Other than that, it doesn’t do anything new… erm, oh, right… there’ll be a bigger one at some point.

on the sidewalls odds: 3/1

Mercedes-Benz E-Class

COTY website: ‘Even now, when M-Bs occupy every market niche, E-class keeps on being the backbone of its model line. The wide range comprises an elegant saloon, a sleek coupe and an estate with about the biggest cargo space in the market.’

Translation: Despite the fact that Mercedes now have almost as many models as there are letters in the alphabet, they still remembered to build a car for taxi drivers who don’t like the 5-Series. There’s a saloon, a coupe and an estate that might have the biggest boot in the class – but we haven’t checked yet.

on the sidewalls odds: 5/1

Vauxhall/Opel Astra

COTY website: ‘Mixing Insignia’s blades and wings styling theme in a different way, Opel has shaped an appealing, almost muscular, Astra. A 5-door car also much bigger, therefore heavier. There’s no much space gain in the cabin, yet the interior improves a lot in perceived quality, with layout and looks also similar to big brother.’

Translation: The Insignia won last year, and the Astra looks a bit like it – so it goes through. Despite it being bigger and heavier than the last one, there’s not actually that much more room inside… oh, hang on, that’s not a good thing is it? Erm, did we mention it looks similar to its big brother?

on the sidewalls odds: 4/1

Peugeot 3008

COTY website: ‘The 3008 is the most original Peugeot creature in years, mixing shapes and features usually related to hatchbacks and SUVs, as the tall seating or the split tailgate. Interior has functionality, but also lots of light with the panoramic roof, and a sporty cockpit that appeals drivers.’

Translation: The 3008 is a bit odd, but because it doesn’t immediately look like an SUV you don’t feel arrogant driving it. With a glass roof, posh interior and split tailgate, it manages to tick all the boxes while remaining slightly pointless.

on the sidewalls odds: 7/2

Skoda Yeti

COTY website: ‘Skoda had already used an AWD system with a Haldex clutch in its Octavia range. Fresh-looking Yeti takes the relay with a body style and a taller ride height more identified with the function of getting occasionally off tarmac, what can be satisfactorily accomplished.’

Translation: First things first – the technology under the silly name is old. But, it looks good in a rugged-utilitarian way and isn’t actually that bad when you get stuck in a boggy car boot sale.

on the sidewalls odds: 11/2

Toyota iQ

COTY website: ‘Toyota has solved an almost impossible equation of size, room, functionality and safety in the iQ, a city car not addressed to massive sales. It has done so by cleverly engineering tricks in transmission, steering and interior, with thin seat backs and a non-existent dashboard/glovebox in the front occupant side… and a record number of airbags.’

Translation: Toyota have created the world’s first four seater car that only three people can sit in – and then priced it so high that it’s not getting any sales. The technology behind it is far too clever to explain in a second language, so we’ll just put it down to magic tricks… although we do know it’s got an airbag across the back window which is pretty cool.

on the sidewalls odds: 3/1

Volkswagen Polo

COTY website: ‘You may say new Polo is just a scaled-down Golf. So what? The Volkswagen spirit of excellence is integrated into the structure and looks of this model that plays the role of not being as big as other cars in this segment.’

Translation: Even we’re not going to suggest that the styling isn’t anything other than a Golf photocopied on 75% scale. Pretty lazy we know, but it does feel bloody posh inside, it’ll probably outlast a cockroach and it doesn’t weigh 2 tonnes.

on the sidewalls odds: 5/1

So, there you go – time to make your mind up. In our humble opinion, it should be a toss up between the thoughtfully designed and very useful C3 Picasso or the staggeringly designed but actually-not-that-useful Toyota iQ. Which means the Peuegot 3008 will inevitably win.

The winner will be announced on November 30th. Place your bets… NOW.

Give 50p to the man in the hut! Pick a crooked putter! Aim under the windmill! Over the cobbled bridge… mind the camber! That’s right, Auto Exclamation is striking a birdie in the brand new Veedub Polo! It’s Miniature Golf! One point FOUR!

VW remembered that people forget what the Polo looks like and have done something to help! Can’t recall the Polo’s face? Fine! Just think of a Golf that’s slightly further away! From the wide Tiger Woods smile to the austere Faldo personality, it’s what geneticists would call closely related! Steve Ryder will recite your life in this little thud box!

If interior quality was measured on a bar graph, the Polo would have a massive bar! From ticking relays to nobbing knurlers, the Polo has the rubbery smoothability of writing on a banana with a biro! You’ll be fiddling with nobs like you’ve just caught puberty! But it’s not all about sitting in it without driving it! Playing a game of miniature golf isn’t as much fun as having a Fiesta? Is it?

No! The Polo plays miniature golf with freezing numb hands! I can’t feel my legs Muriel! Muted dampings and smoothed vibrationals will earn happy chatter at the 19^th hole, but don’t tell the men in funny trousers about the steering or brakes! They’re deader than a slept on arm… but at least you’ll never get pins and needles!

So, it’s a thoughtful putt instead of a spirited drive – but after the little bits of paper have been handed in, is it a birdie or a bogey? We’ll find out at the final hole! What do you get for the supermini mid-price of £12,500? It’s Fiesta versus Polo! Let’s hit the theme park fairway!

Off the tee with the engine! Fiesta plays an 81 horse yard drive with a 1.25 iron, while Polo hits 84 yards thanks to a bigger 1.4 thwacker! Polo nudges it! Next, it’s an economical chip under that windmill! Mind the blades! Despite being heavier, the Fiesta strikes back with 49.5 mpg and 133 g/CO2 against the Polo’s 47.9 and 139!

It’s neck and neck as they hit the sloping concrete green – just a final putt that relies on kit! Tension is rising! ESP, alloys and leccy back windows all need extra cash on the Fiesta… but they’re free with the Polo! Seve Ballesteros golfers! Who would’ve thunk it? The Polo sinks it first with an excellent value putt!

Let’s hit the clubhouse and talk conclusionals! OK, you’re not going to play miniature golf if you holiday in Ibiza… but don’t forget – not everybody wants to! While the rest of the supermini crew are fizzing around on poppers, the Polo plays its game of sense with more stubbornness and thoughtfulness than ever! And it’s not even an expensive hobby! Sports car ambitionists with no interest in ruining a good walk can get a Fiesta for sure, but for the normalists out there, the Polo is a swooping great albatross of wellbeing! Happy Gilmore everybody!