on the sidewalls

Having had a sweet tea, a bracing walk and a glimpse at a picture of an Aston Martin Cygnet to help us get perspective, we can now force our minds to dwell on the Abarth 695 Tributo Ferrari. Just. This scintillatingly named creation is basically a Fiat 500 Abarth that, because of some Ferrari decals and a power hike from 135bhp to 180bhp, costs £29,600. Which is twice the price of a normal one. One car for the price of two. OMflippingG.

‘But ha’, you keenly quip, ‘that’s surely the most sensible way to get a Ferrari badged car for £30k’. Well possibly not, we retort. What if we could prove that a £30k Ferrari is a more practical car to own than a £30k Fiat? Using the brilliant F355 and our newly invented ‘Three P’ car buying criteria, we can do just that.

Practicality

The Ferrari F355 has a 220 litre boot, which is 35 litres bigger than the Abarth’s – this means it can hold more shopping, so you’re less likely to starve to death. With a time of 4.6 seconds, the Ferrari will accelerate to 60mph 2.4 seconds quicker than the Abarth, which makes it safer when pulling into small gaps at a junction. It’s also got much wider tyres, helping it grip harder and letting you drive faster… meaning you get to work quicker to earn more money.

The Ferrari’s 310mm front brake discs will stop the car more abruptly than the Abarth’s 284mm units, allowing you to leave braking until the very last millisecond – again saving time. And, should you be chased by a gunman, the Ferrari will leave your life in less peril than the Abarth, as its 184mph top speed is much faster than the Abarth’s 140mph escape velocity. The Ferrari is, on many levels, a more practical car.

Pleasure

Some aspects of car ownership aren’t objective. The beauty of the styling, the smell of the interior, the noise of the engine… there are attributes that transcend the mechanical and appeal on an emotional level. This is where the Ferrari really excels.

Its 375bhp, 3.5 litre V8 engine is not only 195bhp more powerful than the Abarth’s turbocharged 1.4 litre 4 pot wheezer, but much kinkier. Being mounted directly behind your head, and with less damping between it and the chassis, the Ferrari’s engine rasps and resonates not only through the air, but also through your body.

The Pininfarina styling of the Ferrari is cleaner and sharper than the Fiat penned 500… and, even in the words of a tedious cretin, the interior ‘is a much nicer place to be’. The Ferrari is, on many levels, a more pleasurable car.

Pennies

Now for the real surprise. We already know that the Abarth 695 Tributo Ferrari costs a ‘are you sure that’s not in Zimbabwean dollars’ sum of £29,600. For a supermini, that’s financial rape – a well looked after Ferrari F355, for example, can actually be had for less.

And before you bleat on about how the Ferrari will cost more to run, consider how quickly a Abarth 695 Tributo Ferrari will depreciate. Normal versions of the pudgy Fiat are worth about 46% of their value after three years. We’ll be kind and say the special edition will hold 50%… that still means you’ll take a £15k hit over three years.

Even having to spend £10k replacing the F355’s weak points of catalytic converter, manifolds and cam-belt, you’ll be £5k better off after three years than in the Abarth… which you can spend on petrol and insurance. With no depreciation to speak of, the Ferrari is, on many levels, a more affordable car.

A bigger boot, better performance and a smaller fiscal punch – if you want a £30k Ferrari, buy an F355. Don’t buy a Fiat.

It’s a £50k car with the interior of a £15k car. It looks ridiculous. It’ll struggle to do 20mpg… the Mitsubishi Evo X FQ400 is a very easy car to mock. But having been lucky enough to  spend a couple of nights bonding with one, we’ve found some redeeming features that sprinkle some little shards of brilliance onto the stupidity.

It’ll do 0-62 in less than 4 seconds

Even the cheapest Evo X, the £30k FQ300, hits 62mph in 4.7 seconds – over a second quicker than a Focus RS. But you’ve got to crack it in less than 4 seconds to join the supercar club and REALLY have something to boast about. The Evo X FQ400 is the cheapest car with a roof and proper boot to do just that. To a lot of people, that matters.

It’s got more than just a turbo under the bonnet

Japanese motorsport alchemists HKS have been at the FQ400’s 2.0 litre engine – and they haven’t just strapped a big metal snail to it. Over lesser Evo’s this has a turbo that works better at high temperatures, as well as new injectors, a new ECU with over 500 hours of development time and a new intercooler. Because of those improvements, the FQ400 will not only turn your eyelids inside out as its 403bhp squirms onto the road at 6,500rpm, but also pull from 2,000rpm without being left behind by a 2CV.

It can corner and stop as ferociously as it accelerates

Like the engine, the chassis has much more to it than just brute force. The suspension is 30mm lower on Eibach springs and Bilstein shocks, the brakes are uprated and the track’s wider at the front and back. Bloody works too – not too crashy or so darty that it’s undriveable on narrow roads, but absorbent, adjustable, flattering and staggeringly grippy. The Alcon brakes deserve special mention too… only rubbing a big toe over a still warm disc would reveal more about what’s going on at the wheels.

It doesn’t blind you with technology

The obvious engineering improvements over less well endowed Evos aren’t smothered by a nasty bout of driver aids. You tell the ‘Super All Wheel Drive Control’ the surface you’re driving on and let the Active Centre Differential and Yaw Control discreetly do the rest – sometimes you can sense them scurrying power to different wheels, but they’re generally discreet. Without any sport modes, power dials or adjustable dampers the Evo X feels purer and more mechanical than you think possible from a 4wd 400bhp rude boy.

It makes you feel like a child

Your eyes tell you that the spoiler, diffuser, splitter and carbon fins are in dubious taste… but your inner kid has a naughty grin. Then you hoon it through second gear with your inner kid giggling like he’s being pushed on the world’s biggest swing.  Then you stop, peering through the heat haze that’s started to shimmy up out of the bonnet. And then you hoof it again until you hit the rev limiter in fourth… and go absolutely silent.  Like your inner kid was about to swing right over the top and die. Addictive, naughty, ridiculous… and brilliant.

A few months ago, mad-cap Yank tuning shop Hennessey mentioned something about dropping a 1,000bhp, twin-turbo V8 into the back of an Elise and calling it the Venom GT. Sounded daft. Then they released some shadowy pics, then a shonky road test video, then they were featured in Top Gear mag and then… they’d comfortably proved they weren’t daft at all. They were insane. Just in case we needed more reasons to question their mental health, they’ve just released a new video of the car on a dyno. Sounds amazing.

There’s a chicken/egg parallel to the premium supermini market. What came first; the new Mini, or the public’s lust for a posh small car? Almost definitely the former. The car came first, BMW made us want it and now it’s King of the Cocks – a shiny feathered man hen that everyone wants a piece of. Which makes the Citroen DS3 a hungry, wily fox.

And it’s got a lot to do… even after nearly a decade of lording it about the farm on its own, the Mini is yet to be faced with a fox to match it. The Fiat 500 is cheap and cuddly but a bit soft. The Alfa MiTo has an 8C’s face but is secretly rubbish to drive. And the Audi A1 looks great but doesn’t exist yet. The DS3 could be the first bushy tailed urban warrior with a full quota of Mini chomping teeth.

It’s certainly got a wide enough grin… and that counts for a lot when appealing to the clutch-bagged shoppers who want a Mini. LED daytime running lights set the DS3 up with a tarty, glitzy look that only gets more impressive as you head to further down its plumage. Chrome door handles look posh; half-cut, forward leaning B-pillars look mad and smartly surfaced bejewelled lights and badges out-style the Mini in one glance. Fox is sexier than the Cock.

That’s half of the battle won, really. But not all of it. Because Citroen, despite their ginormous improvements over the past few years, still have the slight whiff of ‘value’ around them… and ‘value’ doesn’t sit well with ‘premium’. So, it’s actually a good thing that the DS3 isn’t an awful lot cheaper than a Mini.

Prices start at £11,700 for a 95bhp 1.4VTi petrol with 95bhp – £500 less than the Mini One with similar power, and go up to £15,600 for a 110bhp 1.6HDi diesel with 110bhp – £750 more than a Mini Cooper D with similar power. Awkwardly, or perhaps cleverly, the best DS3, our £15,900, 150bhp 1.6 petrol sneaks into the middle ground between the Cooper and Cooper S for both price and power. Wily, wily Fox avoiding direct Cock comparison.

Perhaps it’s no surprise that Citroen didn’t want their fastest DS3 to square right up to either of the sporty Minis – because even after some sharpening up, the C3 chassis which underpins the DS3 can’t perform the some hot-footed chicken dance as the Mini. It’s not overly baggy or dull, but there’s a touch more body roll, an inch more squat and dive than you’d get in a Mini andless feel through the steering. The upside is a slightly more compliant ride, but there’s no mpg payoff for the softer edge – 42.2mpg is good for a 150bhp petrol, but not so smart next to the 52mpg Cooper and 48mpg Cooper S.

Quite how much the average Mini driver appreciates the chassis under them is up for debate though – so, ignoring the mpg figure, maybe the DS3’s slightly softer set-up will be a good thing. Comfort lovers will prefer the Citroen’s interior too – lighter, less fussy and more spacious, and you get the sense it won’t develop rattles quite as quickly as a Mini too. The 280 litre boot makes the Mini’s 160 litre hole look like somewhere even a battery hen would baulk at too.

So is the DS3 foxy enough to take the King of the Cocks off its pedestal? Not quite. It’s got a better combination of style, space and comfort – but that can’t quite make up for the inferior dynamics and economy. The DS3 deserves to do well on the talents it’s got, but it’s going to have to hand the chicken killing responsibility to the Audi A1. It better tart sharpening its teeth now.

In this video, the deftly fingered men of Bentley talk through the build process of their new Mulsanne’s twin turbo V8 engine. If you’re a fan of meccano, animated combustion and charming regional accents, you’re going to bloody love it.

Handling handling handling. Think of any great Peugeot, and an ability to dance on tippy toes will be what defines it. Brittle interiors, moody electrics and Rizla-thin panels are all forgiven if the Pug can cock a wheel and shimmy a tail. All memorable Peugeots handle better than they look.

Which puts a massive weight of pressure on the brand new RC Z – because it looks amazing. The double bubble roof, an Olympic swimmer’s shoulders and the peachy rear of a keen female jockey manage to distract the eye from the genetically flawed Lesley Ash gob. And that’s not the only pressure. Seeing as the top spec RC Z (the only one you need care about) is a 200bhp turbocharged coupe costing about £25k, it’s heading for a flouncy cuffed fist fight with the VW Scirocco and Audi TT. So, that handling we were on about…

70mph, spread eagled over both lanes of a Spanish A-Road with a clean line of sight for at least half a mile… 10 corners of handling indulgence. Gingerly into the first left-hander, not braking but lifting, touching the apex and easing away. Already there’s a sense of weight, an impression of width to the RC Z that builds your trust. Accelerate back to a right that’s a mirror of the first left. Don’t lift this time. Steering develops more weight… a few nudges as it kicks back over ridges. Hydraulically assisted, consistent and linear – not overly chatty but the tyres aren’t loaded up yet. There’s still time for it to shine.

Approaching a downhill corkscrew. Taking the first right-hander on the brakes to shed speed before the tighter left that follows. Car’s led by the front, with understeer at the limit – but the back will shimmy under braking. Not what you’d call oversteer, not something you’d deliberately provoke but satisfying to feel all four tyres doing some work, even if the rears seem like passengers.

Right, left, right all dispatched in 2nd, barping off the limiter with the final corner left behind. Not overly sharp or too quick and fidgety – just agile but easy, accurate but flattering. Three corners to go. Sounds awesome. Crunch time.

Massively egged on by the meaty noise now. 3rd gear into a right hooker that’s sensibly 4th, just for the rort. Outside wheels loaded up as the RC Z leans on its springs, front tyres starting to have their sidewalls nibbled away as they succumb to understeer… but it won’t be thrown off line. Hanging on, riding the humps, keeping its feet on the ground, lift as the bend straightens out for the left that follows. Turn in, carrying too much speed, ABS rattles the front wheels on a damp patch and tightens their line – good steering feel now, rubbery, grippy, connected. Blast out of the bend, still in third, into 4th for the final sweeper… car banks in, sits on its springs, holds its line and is away. Still holding onto each gear to make the most of the noise, only easing off to spare being hexed by the approaching villagers.

That was fun – not electrifying, but fun. The RC Z is no dynamic scalpel, no overly focussed track addict. But it’s balanced, fluid, softer than you’d expect and satisfyingly physical to chuck about. Perhaps not as tight, tactile or adjustable as a Scirocco, but definitely more fun than an Audi TT. Easily the best handling Peugeot since the 106 GTI disappeared in 2002.

But, somehow, it’s not the way it corners that defines the Peugeot. There’s more to it than that.

The ride is better than a Scirocco or TT – still firm, but not crashy. The interior, while very clearly related to the 308, feels special. You’ll need a GT spec car to get the leather-trimmed seats and dash but it makes it feel a cut above. Also, despite the roofline, the RC Z has also got a decent boot – long and flat as opposed to short and upright like a Scirocco’s. The back seats are as useless as you’d expect, but if you need better you should be buying a 3008 anyway. And while the 200bhp version’s 0-62mph of 7.5 seconds might not sounds amazing, it never feels underpowered and should do nearly 40mpg. Go for the 156bhp version of the same engine or the 163bhp 2.0HDI diesel and you can bump that up to 40.9 or 52.3mpg. It’s all incredibly convincing.

Compromise is usually a dirty word. It makes cars comfortable instead of fun, frugal instead of fast, practical instead of stylish – but the compromises in the Peugeot RC Z are actually what make it so easy to like. A Scirocco might be a better handler, but it’s not as pretty, satisfying, economical or enjoyable. Instead of sacrificing any aspect for another, Peugeot have given the RC Z a perfect blend of them all. It’s a Peugeot that’s memorable not just for handling, but for everything else as well.

Behind the impeccably clean glass of the McLaren Technology Centre, Ron Dennis and his band of obsessive men today unveiled a new supercar, a whole new supercar company and a very compelling reason not to buy a Ferrari 458 Italia or Mercedes SLS AMG. Not bad for a day’s work. The first of three models they will eventually put into production, the sparklingly orange MP4-12C was the centre of attention, being shown off in the flesh for the first time. The stats are stunning.

Geek Table:

Price – £175k target
Power – 592bhp @ 7,000rpm
Maximum Engine Speed – 8,500rpm
Torque – 443lb ft @ 3,000rpm. 80% peak from 2,000rpm to 6,500rpm
Weight – 1300kg dry. Estimate less than 1400kg kerb
CO2 – less than 300g/km
Top Speed – more than 200mph
0-62mph – around 3.4 secs
0-124mph – less than 10 secs
1/4 mile – around 11 secs
100mph – 0mph – 30 metres. Honestly. You’ll be sick out your eye holes.

Other highlights are the 7 speed ‘Seamless Shift’ double clutch transmission, one-piece carbon fibre ‘Monocell’ chassis, a 7” portrait touch screen that controls the 1.6Ghz on board computer with sat nav, wi-fi, Bluetooth and Meridien stereo, and a beautifully ergonomic interior.

As amazing as all the headline facts are, the really impressive nuggets of information on the MP4-12C come from deeper beneath the surface. The little insights that demonstrate how and why the McLaren really is lighter, faster, greener and more powerful than normal humans would think possible to achieve.

Lightweight Wiring and Lithium-ion Battery

Instead of using plain old round copper, the McLaren uses hexagonal shaped wiring that’s part aluminium, saving almost 4kg. Being hexagonal, the wires can also nestle more closely together, saving space in the interior. The battery’s no standard lead-acid brick either – it’s a lithium-ion unit, saving another 10kg.

Crash Test Repetition

Usually, manufacturers build prototypes for the sole purpose of being crashed. Once the smash has taken place, telemetry been read and results recorded the prototype is done with. But the McLaren MP4-12C has proved to be a bit different. A prototype was subjected to a standard 56kph smash, but no damage was inflicted on the carbon fibre chassis – just the deformable aluminium structure at the front. So they put it into another test. Still no damage to the chassis; not even a cracked windscreen. The same chassis was eventually subjected to three identical crash tests… it’s clearly pretty strong.

Four Hour Chassis Build

The chassis isn’t just rigid and light – it’s also incredibly quick to put together, taking just four hours. For comparison, the McLaren F1’s carbon tub took 3,000 hours. The one-piece, 80kg mould is also 25% stronger and 25% lighter than an equivalent aluminium chassis. Cripes.

Embossed Magnesium Dashboard Badge

While it’s clearly a very nice tale to brag about at a press conference, the dashboard badge story is a good one. Obviously, McLaren wanted their logo on the dashboard – but didn’t want to go to the effort and weight of putting on a badge. So instead of sticking on a little McLaren decal, they decided to emboss their emblem into the one-piece magnesium structure that makes up the dash. Which saved them a handy 2.4g… and you can’t even see it.

Perfect Driving Position & Skinny Steering Wheel

From the offset, the car has been built around the driver. It might not have an F1-style centre seat, but the pedals, steering wheel and driving chair have all been plumbed in to be perfectly aligned. Even sitting in a prototype that can’t move feels spot on – right down to the thin rimmed, perfectly sized steering wheel that tingles your hands without even a wheel being turned.

Two Handy Test Drivers

Both Lewis and Jenson have driven the car around Goodwood, and while you wouldn’t expect them to say it felt like a bag of bolts, both of them sounded genuinely enthusiastic. Lewis was very pleased, for example, that the gearchange paddles were very similar to his F1 car – they pivot at the wheel, so you can change by either pulling left and right to change down or up, or by pushing or pulling either to do the same thing.

Yeah yeah, so all this sounds a bit sycophantic – but the glee comes from facts. Hearing Chairman Ron Dennis and MD Anthony Sheriff explain the details, talk about the ruthless perfectionism, bespoke design of absolutely everything and the plain and simple statistics, it’s hard not to get carried away. And having sat in it, looked at it, seen it being made and spoken to some of the people that craft it, the MP4-12C is much more than just statistical boasting. It’s a car in which you can feel passion and perfection running through the core. A machine to respect and get all sweatily lusty for. Haven’t wanted a car this badly since turning 17.

As you already know, McLaren today unveiled their new McLaren MP4-12C supercar. As part of the super-fantastic PR reveal bonanza, they showed this video of Lewis and Jenson having a lovely time driving around Goodwood.  Watch it, then read our coverage of the car launch here.

Digesting the news… then spewing it out in 60 words

Lexus facelifted the IS, adding an F-Sport model with IS-F cosmetics, dropping the CO2 and fuel consumption and improving the sat-nav and stereo. The average CO2 emissions of cars sold in Britain dropped to 149.5g/km. Brabus shoved a 789bhp, twin turbo V12 into the E-Class coupe. And Skoda announced their tweaked Fabia and Roomsters will cost from £9,330 and £11,260.

Geneva 2010 was a cracking show for actual cars that human people will soon be driving in the real world. So good in fact, that we’ve had to make a list just so you can take it all in. We’ve supplemented our shitty iPhone snaps with press pics to help you see too.

Nissan Juke

Yeah yeah, it’s just a small crossover… but look at it. The Juke is proper mental. Nissan have already proved their ability to judge what people want to buy when they released the Qashqai – it appealed to everyone from Focus to 4×4 to Mondeo buyers.

The Juke is going to slot under the Qashqai when it goes on sale in October at around £13k. And don’t forget that these days, that’s the price of a mid-spec Fiesta or Polo, so there’s every chance that the Juke could ‘do a Qashqai’ to the supermini market. Seeing as it’s being built in Sunderland by the good men of the North, hopefully it’ll do well.

Citroen DS3 Racing

All of Citroen’s new cars were actually bloody interesting – but amongst the fictional concepts, the DS3 Racing was the quiet star. When was the last time Citroen made a car that made you want to drive it? We can’t remember either.

Despite the fact they’ve been building up a cracking rally reputation for a good few years, Citroen have taken a while to cash in on it – which is what the DS3 Racing comes in, being tweaked by the same chaps that build Loeb’s company car. It’s got a 200bhp 1.6 Turbo, wider track, stiffened and lowered suspension and twiddled ECU to make it quick… probably quick enough to hit 60mph in less than 7 seconds.

It’ll go on sale in the summer, and Citroen man didn’t disagree when we suggested it would cost just shy of £20k. Citroen man also told us that because only 1,000 will be made, the DS3R might not be available with the level of customisation found on the standard car – if they’re all grey and orange with the wheels of the show car, that won’t be a bad thing. It’s not just the Audi A1 that’s going to bother the Mini Cooper S.

Aston Martin Cygnet

In a radical move of assertion, we asked a man at Aston Martin if they were actually going to build the Toyota iQ based luxury city car – the man said ‘we are intending to produce the Cygnet before the end of the year’. He also commented how the chassis of the iQ will remain 100% intact as the Toyota becomes an Aston, without even changes to bushes, dampers or spring rates. The Aston Martin Cygnet will drive exactly like a Toyota iQ. Gosh

Prices are speculative at the moment, but Aston Martin didn’t dismiss us when we said we’d heard they’d start at £30k – Aston man also said it was more than likely that the car would initially be sold to current customers, with the aim to put it on general sale.

The interior of the show car wasn’t anywhere near to production finish, but the architecture and style reflected how the final car will look – and, to be honest, wasn’t impressive. While the outside of the car at least has a nod towards an Aston face with token styling cues, the architecture of the iQ interior remains – which simply doesn’t feel like enough effort to justify the extra cost over the Toyota. Final judgement has to wait until we’ve all seen a final car, but we’re more worried than ever that the Cygnet could really tarnish Aston’s good name.

Audi A1

Swiss motoring journalists couldn’t get enough of the little Audi, which shows just how subtly mature the well resolved styling is. It looks even smarter and well proportioned in the flesh with a stocky stance and beautiful headlight jewellery. Bizarrely, we stood staring at the A1 for longer than we did the Pagani Cinque Roadster.

We’ve always had a worry that the A1’s smart exterior could be let down by a less impressive, built to a price interior – but if the show car’s anything to go by, that won’t be a problem. While some of the materials and buttons weren’t quite as intricately damped as those in a bigger, pricier Audi it still had more than enough quality and tactility to make the starting price of £13k seem like ruddy good value.

Options will be key though – the daytime running lights, swooping roof line and smart wheels all need paying extra for, or the A1 will look drab and be worth nothing come resale. Bloody hell, what sensible advice. Goes on sale this Autumn.

Ford Focus

This could be the world’s biggest selling car when it goes on sale in the US, China and Europe next year. It’s fairly important. The styling of the outside was still raising eyebrows, with smart details like the triangular front grilles and funky fuel filler flap looking good, but perhaps one too many creases down the side and awkward rear lights. Shouldn’t every Focus ever have upright rear lights?

The interior is a much happier place – smart and premium looking, as well as being a lot more interesting than the current car. There were some rough edges on the pre-production show car, but the smart centre joystick and climate/radio layout already felt familiar and ergonomically sound. Nice leather dash top with bright yellow stitching all over too.

Perhaps more interestingly than the interior is the fact that Ford man told us that the next hot Focus, which won’t necessarily be called the RS, won’t come with a 5 cylinder engine as the current RS engine isn’t Euro V compliant so will be dropped. It was more than hinted that the top hot 2011 Focus would be running a 2.0 litre turbocharged four cylinder engine – perhaps a tuned version of the new car’s new Ecoboost motor. They’re already claiming that the new Focus is a sportier drive than any previous model, and that it’ll be even more of a revelation than the current Fiesta is. Which is good.

Digesting the news… then spewing it out in 60 words

Porsche revealed the 911 GT3 R Hybrid – a racer with a 473bhp straight six powering the back wheels and two flywheel-generator powered electric motors driving the front wheels. Jaguar tweaked the XF, lowering the entry price to £29,900 and giving the Diesel S model the XF-R’s interior and optional Adaptive Dynamics system. And more F1 testing happened, with Kobayashi being fastest.

Digesting the news… then spewing it out in 60 words

Mercedes announced that their Ferrari 458 Italia rivalling SLS AMG will cost £157,500 when it goes on sale in the UK in July. Porsche released a new £123k 911 Turbo S that’s got 523bhp – 20bhp more than a standard Turbo. And BMW gave the X5 a gentle face-job, improving power and economy and fitting an 8-speed auto as standard.

Even if you’re one of the daft folk who whinge on about 911s being glorified Beetles, you’ll not be able to turn off this new Porsche advert. Nice shots, nice driving, nice cars. Porker-tastic.

Buying a Fiat Coupe in the 1990s was very similar to buying a mail order bride. The glossy brochures were full of slick beauty and love-you-long-time reliability, but reality was often very different – erratic behaviour quickly led to a catastrophic falling out, with the occasional spilling of fluids.

But, mood swings aside, there was never any doubt about the Fiat Coupe’s intentions. From the Pininfarina lines, to the pointy front-drive handling, it was a proper sports car. And now, just as the flakiest brides have already had their vows absolved, the flakiest Fiats have long since ascended to the scrappy in the sky, leaving just the ones we should be lusting over. But what to buy?

Simple. Only buy a Coupe with the later 5-cylinder engine – quicker, newer and better sounding. They’re usually referred to as 20v models, and replaced the earlier four-pot cars in November 1996, staying on sale until 2000. There are two versions – the naturally aspirated 147bhp 20v, and the ruddy quick 220bhp 20v Turbo. You want a turbo more than your pervy uncle wants a Thai bride, for incredibly good reasons…

Even now, a 0-62mph time of 6.5 seconds and a top whoosh of 155mph sound unfeasibly quick. And while they might slither and tug with the type of torque steer that could dislocate your wrists, they’re actually very agile and accurate to hustle about. The Coupe might miss out on the rear-drive cheek of an MX-5, but the payback is extra speed, a smarter interior and, of course, some little Pininfarina badges finishing it off like Cindy Crawford’s mole.

Some advice. First, you need to find out if you can afford the insurance – the 20v is a group 17, while the 20v Turbo is a ridiculous 18. If you can stomach what the cartoon elephant quotes you, then the price of the actual car will be no problem – a tidy 20v Turbo can be had from just £2k.

Before getting anywhere near a test drive, make sure the car comes with the red key. Sounds daft, but a new set of locks and keys can be £1000 without it. Other than that, the biggest potential life-ruiners are the cambelt, exhaust manifold and, in the case of the 20V Turbo… the turbo.

The cam belt ideally needs doing every 36k miles, and is massively fiddly and expensive. While it doesn’t have to be an engine-out job it’ll still cost around £750 so look for proof of it being done. The exhaust manifold can crack, which is very hard to spot; any rattling or blowing are sure signs, but they’re the worst case scenario – if you don’t think you could spot a problem, get someone cleverer to have a look. Finally, the turbo oil seals can perish, giving off blue smoke at idle… so make sure it’s running clean or you’ll need a new one.

Find a bright red one with a full history file, a recent cambelt change and tidy bodywork and you’ll have an excellent value Italian sports car that makes the MR-2 and Celica look cold and soulless. This Coupe love you long time.

With a lot of mags getting their first drives of the Ferrari 458 Italia, McLaren’s MP4-12C was missing out on some of the hyperbolic coverage its used to. So to make amends, McLaren made a little behind-the-scenes film featuring engineers, test drivers and technicians all chatting about their new baby. It’s pretty interesting… and not just because it gives us the first ever chance to hear it being ragged.

Today in 60 words… it’s all you need to read.

Alfa Romeo’s engineering department hijacked their press office and announced they’ll be making a new V8 engine… before the PR people got back and denied it. Ford recalled 4.5 million US cars to prevent them catching on fire. And Porsche clinched this week’s Nurburgring Tedious Time Statement Crown, claiming the new 911 Turbo laps two seconds quicker than the last.

If you like spizzy quick tiddly hatches, this tiny tearaway will tease tears from your eyes! And we’re not talking sad weeping; we’re shouting thrilled shreaking! Enter the Mitsubishi Colt Ralliart!

Since the past, the RenaultSport Twingo has been holding the crayons in the tiny hatch nursery – the hardcore happy handler marked the bench with tiny sharp fists! But that’s not the only kid the Colt has to out-bully! There’s the newness packed 500 Abarth that’s so naughty you’re not even allowed to call it Fiat! You will need a bath after that Italian filth!

So how does the Colt bang out it’s assertion in this shouty pre-school squeal off?! Let’s start with the screamer’s lungs!

We know Mitsubishi can make a turbo spun four pot bang box – and this Colt doesn’t let us know anything else! Ask loudly for all the toys and you’ll soon be riding along with 147 hard rocking horses, all helping you hit the 62nd fence in 74 tenths; that’s 13 quicker than the Frenchy Twingo! Don’t think it’s a highly strung stallion fusser either – you can surge around on 155lbs of pony talk with only tiny lag bads! If there was a shouting competition between the Colt and its European bullies, the Colt would win!

But, it’s not all about shouting at nursery… sometimes you need to play chase, and that’s where the Colt can feel a bit spazzy! On parents evening, the Colt would be happy during talk of sharpness, directness and even tidy rideness, but there would still need to be a sit down finger wag when it got home! Its problem is honesty!

Steer quick into corners and it tries to bend the truth about grip and texture – little nippers should chat away through the wheel and seat, but this one likes to keep quiet! Instead of happy grainy tactility you’re given slightly syrupy hostility! If you’d stepped into it after dancing with an Abarth or Twingo, you’d worry why your hands had gone numb! Fun times can be had with an easy wagging rear, but sometimes even that feels a bit like playing see-saw under anaesthetic!

If you’re a fan of scratching your fingers over plastics surfaces and complaining with the words brittle or cheap, you’ll enjoy a busy day out in the Colt! Plasti-refino-dampingness is no better than the boggo Colt with its three cylinder wheeze-box and £8k money ticket! Some metal pedals and fatty hating seats aren’t enough to make it feel a worthy inside for a top-spec model boss! At least it’s not a financial extortion!

The Mitsubishi purse needs lining with £12,049 for a little Ralliart Colt – that’s £1,500 cheaper than a 500 Abarth but £300 more than the slower but pervier Twingo! What to do?! If you’re vein faced trendy kid it could come down to looks! Mitsubishi must have watched the Cage/Travolta skin swapping Face/Off film before drawing this… it’s got the same face as an Evo X! That might be a swinger for some angry Jap fans that don’t mind looking like skanks!

In the summaries, it’s business as usual for a Japanese hotbox – power and angriness make you Jappy Happy but plastics and tactility make you Jappy Sad! What the point is though might be this… if you want the fastest infant hatchling, get the Colt and you’ll smile like a man with two willies! If you want the most satisfying get one of the Europeans – but don’t shed tears when you get spanked from the lights!