Nissan have announced prices for their brilliantly gawky Sonia Jackson look-a-like, the Juke. And while the looks split opinion like Cassidy splits mirrors, we want one even more than we did before. The range starts at a Fiesta scaring £12,795, which gets you a 1.6 petrol engine, 16″ alloys and air con alongside the bag-of-smashed-crabs face.

The model your brain will tell you to want is the middling £15,145 1.5 dCi Acenta, where you get climate control, Bluetooth, a USB hole and 17″ rims. The model your heart will want is the top of the range, £19,995 190hp turbocharged 1.6 with four wheel drive. Best compromise is probably the turbo charged engine in 2WD form, which costs from £15,595. Less than £16k for a mad looking, British built odd-box with 190hp? Yes please.

Reasons for not buying a Juke are the excellent Skoda Yeti – a touch pricey and bland by comparison, and the agile Fiesta – on the nose for price, but smaller. So, while the face may have a whiff of sausagemeat Cassidy to it, we reckon it’s an interesting, good value, decently equipped wedge of geometric spunkiness. Nissan will take deposits from June, with deliveries starting in September. Like.

Ageing N*Sync star and famous ex-fondler of Britney’s Spears, Justin Timberlake, has long been known as the main ambassador of Audi’s A1, and now it’s getting serious – he’s going to star in six short films to promote the car ahead of its UK launch in October.

The first episode shows Justin (who in the film is actually called John), enjoying a coffee while chatting to a bossy sounding fellow on the phone. Rather annoyingly for Justin, sorry… John, the conversation with the bossy man is interrupted by an abrupt woman who happens to be under fire. He helps the abrupt woman escape from the cafe before being told to drive her away in her Audi A1. The moral? The Audi A1 will be bought by abrupt woman who can’t drive the thing with heels on.

Who knows what the next episode will bring. Does abrupt woman accidentally call John Justin? Will abrupt woman calm down? Will we find out who bossy man is? Will Justin do some acting? Will he get his computer back from the cafe? Will the abrupt lady learn to drive her own car? Well, all those questions and possibly more will be answered when the next episode is released in a week’s time – check back here to find out. Can’t wait.

Boiled Sweets

Digesting the news… then spewing it out in 60 words

The first car in Saab’s Spyker era trundled out of the factory in Trollhättan – it was a 9-5 being built for testing. Audi announced their twinkly A1 will cost from £13,145 when it goes on sale in October. And Renault proudly announced that their Megane Coupe Concept features in the latest N-Dubz video, featuring everyone’s favourite hat-wearing textual abuser, Dappy.

Kia have already proved they can strum a strong Cee’d with their Focus worrying family hatch – but can they bash out the same success in the super competitive mini-MPV genre? Their new Venga, Spanish for ‘come’, is finally splashing onto the scene to try just that! So, can it fly in the faces of established rivals like the Citroen C3 Picasso, or is it just a horrible lonely mess? Auto Exclamation puts its latex gloves on and finds out!

There’s only one place to start – and that’s with a fumble in the back! The Venga needs frolic friendly fold flat seats, with slidey, spacious flexibility to compete with the Picasso! So has it?

Yes! The rear seats slide back and forth to fit legs, luggage or a mix of both, they fold flat for big loads or long umbrellas, split 60/40 and even recline for laid back karma sutra practising! The 1253 litres of maximum space might be a couple of hundred down on the C3 Picasso, but you’ll never notice! You can come or go as you please in the boot… but clean up afterwards please!

She’s not as easy going and encouraging when you move on to the next level though! There’s inconsistency in her responses – and we blame the electric power steering! Turn in is quick but imprecise, and while feedback towards third base is reasonable, she sometimes tightens up for no reason! It’s like playing a Sega Rally arcade game! Even slowing things down leads to reluctancy – a firm kick is required to make her stop! And she’s not an overly forgiving ride either!

At least there’s no danger of a romp being zipped up prematurely! Our 89bhp, 101lb ft 1.4 petrol felt even slower than its 12.4 second 0-60mph time! Lie back and think of England! MPG is quoted as 45.6 combined, but keeping up a decent rhythm dropped ours to 32! Too much drink? Venga’s got Brewer’s droop! Sorry Mike! The 89bhp, 162lb ft diesel promises 62.8mpg but takes a tantric 14 seconds to get to 60mph – that’s automotive celibacy! To the convent you go Venga!

But, surely we’re being harsh! It’s a Kia supermini-MPV, so it’s cheap enough to forgive the driving problems right? It’s marginal! You’ll need £13k to get a 1.4 petrol engine, air con, electric windows, alloys and metallic paint… that’s only £1k less than the more spacious, quicker, sexier, comfier C3 Picasso with the same spec! Although the Kia does have ESP so at least you’ll arrive safely!

And the standard ESP helps to highlight who the Venga’s been made for! Safety conscious Vicar types in BHS coats! They can arrive without harm! And let’s not forget Kia’s 7 year warranty! People with stout shoes will love that! Extra safe! For these folk with teasmaids who kiss on the cheeks and go straight to sleep, the warranty alone is enough to overlook the fumbling dynamics and occasionally lumpy comfort! And we’re happy for them! You might have a better ride in a C3 Picasso… but you’ll come anyway in the Venga!

MISS – Nissan Micra

As frog faced and squidgy looking as the current Micra is, and as much as that might have scared away some core grannies, surely the Nissan Micra should look more interesting than this?

HIT – Skoda Fabia vRS

There’s something unpretentiously desirable about a quick Skoda – especially when it’s running the same 177bhp twincharger engine as the excellent Ibiza Cupra. There’s even going to be an estate version of this £16k hot hatch.

MISS – Alfa Romeo Giulietta

A lot of people were making inappropriate sexual noises as they walked passed Alfa’s new Focus rival – we can only assume it was because of the models. Promises of Golf rivalling quality aside, we think the Giulietta looks a bit awkard. Like a pigeon with piles.

HIT – Vauxhall Meriva

Now based on the Zafira, the Meriva has gone posh with a smart interior and trick suicide doors. Gimmick or not, Rolls Royce style entry apertures are what car buying humans like to show off to their mates – it’s a smart move.

MISS – Every Porsche Panamera There

So many naff tuning firms decided to further butcher the Porsche Pigs Ear it actually got a bit funny. A personal favourite was the hilariously named ‘Fab Design’ who accidentally shat all sorts of glass fibre pebble dashed mess all over the place.

HIT – Mini Countryman

There. We’ve said it. The Mini Countryman wasn’t that bad in the flesh – not perfect, but not an complete face disgrace. In real life it looked quite muscular and chunky, and, as you’ll note by the amazing photo below – there’s room for a human with knees in the back.

Knees, fitting in behind our own 6ft driving position. Never seen before in a Mini.

Geneva 2010 was a cracking show for actual cars that human people will soon be driving in the real world. So good in fact, that we’ve had to make a list just so you can take it all in. We’ve supplemented our shitty iPhone snaps with press pics to help you see too.

Nissan Juke

Yeah yeah, it’s just a small crossover… but look at it. The Juke is proper mental. Nissan have already proved their ability to judge what people want to buy when they released the Qashqai – it appealed to everyone from Focus to 4×4 to Mondeo buyers.

The Juke is going to slot under the Qashqai when it goes on sale in October at around £13k. And don’t forget that these days, that’s the price of a mid-spec Fiesta or Polo, so there’s every chance that the Juke could ‘do a Qashqai’ to the supermini market. Seeing as it’s being built in Sunderland by the good men of the North, hopefully it’ll do well.

Citroen DS3 Racing

All of Citroen’s new cars were actually bloody interesting – but amongst the fictional concepts, the DS3 Racing was the quiet star. When was the last time Citroen made a car that made you want to drive it? We can’t remember either.

Despite the fact they’ve been building up a cracking rally reputation for a good few years, Citroen have taken a while to cash in on it – which is what the DS3 Racing comes in, being tweaked by the same chaps that build Loeb’s company car. It’s got a 200bhp 1.6 Turbo, wider track, stiffened and lowered suspension and twiddled ECU to make it quick… probably quick enough to hit 60mph in less than 7 seconds.

It’ll go on sale in the summer, and Citroen man didn’t disagree when we suggested it would cost just shy of £20k. Citroen man also told us that because only 1,000 will be made, the DS3R might not be available with the level of customisation found on the standard car – if they’re all grey and orange with the wheels of the show car, that won’t be a bad thing. It’s not just the Audi A1 that’s going to bother the Mini Cooper S.

Aston Martin Cygnet

In a radical move of assertion, we asked a man at Aston Martin if they were actually going to build the Toyota iQ based luxury city car – the man said ‘we are intending to produce the Cygnet before the end of the year’. He also commented how the chassis of the iQ will remain 100% intact as the Toyota becomes an Aston, without even changes to bushes, dampers or spring rates. The Aston Martin Cygnet will drive exactly like a Toyota iQ. Gosh

Prices are speculative at the moment, but Aston Martin didn’t dismiss us when we said we’d heard they’d start at £30k – Aston man also said it was more than likely that the car would initially be sold to current customers, with the aim to put it on general sale.

The interior of the show car wasn’t anywhere near to production finish, but the architecture and style reflected how the final car will look – and, to be honest, wasn’t impressive. While the outside of the car at least has a nod towards an Aston face with token styling cues, the architecture of the iQ interior remains – which simply doesn’t feel like enough effort to justify the extra cost over the Toyota. Final judgement has to wait until we’ve all seen a final car, but we’re more worried than ever that the Cygnet could really tarnish Aston’s good name.

Audi A1

Swiss motoring journalists couldn’t get enough of the little Audi, which shows just how subtly mature the well resolved styling is. It looks even smarter and well proportioned in the flesh with a stocky stance and beautiful headlight jewellery. Bizarrely, we stood staring at the A1 for longer than we did the Pagani Cinque Roadster.

We’ve always had a worry that the A1’s smart exterior could be let down by a less impressive, built to a price interior – but if the show car’s anything to go by, that won’t be a problem. While some of the materials and buttons weren’t quite as intricately damped as those in a bigger, pricier Audi it still had more than enough quality and tactility to make the starting price of £13k seem like ruddy good value.

Options will be key though – the daytime running lights, swooping roof line and smart wheels all need paying extra for, or the A1 will look drab and be worth nothing come resale. Bloody hell, what sensible advice. Goes on sale this Autumn.

Ford Focus

This could be the world’s biggest selling car when it goes on sale in the US, China and Europe next year. It’s fairly important. The styling of the outside was still raising eyebrows, with smart details like the triangular front grilles and funky fuel filler flap looking good, but perhaps one too many creases down the side and awkward rear lights. Shouldn’t every Focus ever have upright rear lights?

The interior is a much happier place – smart and premium looking, as well as being a lot more interesting than the current car. There were some rough edges on the pre-production show car, but the smart centre joystick and climate/radio layout already felt familiar and ergonomically sound. Nice leather dash top with bright yellow stitching all over too.

Perhaps more interestingly than the interior is the fact that Ford man told us that the next hot Focus, which won’t necessarily be called the RS, won’t come with a 5 cylinder engine as the current RS engine isn’t Euro V compliant so will be dropped. It was more than hinted that the top hot 2011 Focus would be running a 2.0 litre turbocharged four cylinder engine – perhaps a tuned version of the new car’s new Ecoboost motor. They’re already claiming that the new Focus is a sportier drive than any previous model, and that it’ll be even more of a revelation than the current Fiesta is. Which is good.

With the Justin Timberlake photo, smug speccy man shot and nasty footballer video, the Audi A1 was at risk of being annoying before it even existed. Lots of viral marketing, very little information on the car. Thankfully, Audi have now released some tangible factage and unobscured photos… and it looks sharp and tidy.

The styling has stayed impressively close to the concept, right down to the sweepy aluminium roof line that can be specced in various colours. There will be three engines at launch, all of which are turbo-blowered; a 1.2 TFSI petrol with 85bhp and 118lb ft, a 1.4 TFSI petrol with 120bhp and 148lb ft and a 1.6TDI with 104bhp and a chunky 184lb ft.

All will do over 55mpg and all will emit less than 120g/km of CO2 – although the 1.4 will creep over these figures if you don’t spec the optional S-Tronic double clutch gearbox. The diesel is currently quoted as 102g/km of CO2, which seems tantalisingly close to the sub-100g needed for a free tax disc – perhaps they’ll have a twiddle to make it 99g before launch.

Prices are expected to start at around £13k when it goes on sale at the end of the year, with all models coming with alloys, air con, ESP and an e-diff as standard. Audi are making a big deal of the customisation options on the A1 too, with the possibility of flashing LED lights in your speakers (Kia Soul got there first), daytime running lights (just don’t), DAB radio, sat-nav, Bluetooth and various cosmetic twiddlings for inside and out.

An A1 with the right spec of 1.4 TFSI, S-Tronic and sat-nav will easily be nudging £20k – but as Mini have taught us, people will pay almost anything for a small, chic, driveable car that makes them feel posh. To that effect, it might not even matter if the Citroen DS3 proves to be equally small, chic and driveable for less cash. Nonetheless, we like it… especially the shape of the headlights. And if they’ve managed to stick the interior together with their usual finesse, it’ll definitely have one over on the Mini.

Lidl Trolley

You can tell a lot about a brand by its supermini; they’re distilled versions of a company’s vision, designed and built to the tightest brief. Which makes the outgoing Citroen C3 something of a loud-mouthed embarrassment, shouting only bad things about Citroen’s interior quality, woolly dynamics and desperately heavy discounting – it’s an automotive pound shop. Finally though, they’ve got round to replacing it… so has this C3 mk2 finally got something good to say?

Starting from the outside, yes. The new model is nicely sculpted, well proportioned and adorned with all the spangly lighting needed to attract the fussiest magpie-like buyers. It sits quite high, clearly a cousin of the C3 Picasso mini-MPV with which it shares a chassis, but isn’t lofty enough to look like the Pope should be in the back.

Price-wise, it’s showing Citroen’s new found confidence – gone are the bargain bucket, big volume discounts, replaced with the type of price-tags you’d expect from a car worth buying. The range starts at £10,790 but the biggest seller is expected to be the £13,190 1.4 90bhp petrol in VTR+ trim, which spec-for-spec is right on Fiesta money. However, by some mysterious turn of events (and keen VW pricing), that makes the C3 pricier than a VW Polo. Cripes. So, how does the C3 fare without its bargain price?

On the road, not brilliantly. While it feels far better engineered than the previous model, it can’t match a Fiesta for poise or Polo for maturity. Mainly, it rides incredibly well with a knack for quiet cruising – but push it over a particularly abused pothole and it’ll quickly shudder and thump in disapproval. It’s comfortable and easy most of the time, but the better resolved Polo does a smarter job for less cash.

Our 120bhp 1.6 16v engine didn’t shine either. While essentially the same motor as in a Mini Cooper, it lacks low down pull and gets noisily sulky when asked to work hard – it never feels as quick as the 8.9 sec 0-62mph time suggests. Two 1.4 petrols with 75 or 90bhp, a 70bhp 1.4 turbodiesel and a 110bhp 1.6 turbodiesel round off the engines, all emitting less than 140g/km of C02 with a manual gearbox.

So, to catch up on what the C3 has been saying about Citroen. Good looks are offset with strong pricing and low emissions are countered with an only adequate drive… no surprises there. It’s a massive improvement, but nothing that shouts ‘buy me’ with much conviction. Until you look up.

All but the bottom VT spec cars come with what Citroen call a ‘Zenith’ windscreen – a ruddy great piece of glass so big you’ll bugger your neck trying to see all of it. In the hustle and bustle of the supermini market, it’s a massive USP.

The interior is already the single biggest improvement over the old car, now being just as well screwed together as a Fiesta’s, but all the extra light transforms it. You’ll need to spend £12,690 to buy a model with it fitted, but without the epic glass, the C3 doesn’t make half as much sense. The floating mirror might spoil the effect slightly, but such a vast sky lets you forgive the C3’s bland drive – even when it’s wazzing it down.

In the end, the C3 talks Citroen’s talk fluently – interesting design, cool styling, an unhurried drive… and a little twist of something weird. Like half a roof. It might not be an altogether better car than a Fiesta or Polo, but Citroen certainly shouldn’t need to resort to pound-shop discounting to shift it.

The Car of the Year 2010 gong has been handed to the VW Polo, sparking a raging debate over what’s less imaginative – the car, or the decision to give it victory. The little Volkswagen pipped the thoroughly interesting Toyota iQ into second place by 10 points, with many pundits claiming Toyota ‘was robbed’, and that the whole scenario is almost as unfair as Ireland not qualifying for the World Cup because of Thierry Henry’s hand ball. Obviously VW didn’t cheat (corruption and bribes have definitely never played a part in the judgement process), but they have got bloody lucky.

Closer inspection of the results shows that the Polo was voted the best car by 25 of the 59 judges, and received a total score of 347 against the iQ’s 24 win votes and 337 points. Here’s a run down of the total scores:

1. Volkswagen Polo 347 points

2. Toyota iQ 337 points

3. Vauxhall Astra 221 points

4. Skoda Yeti 158 points

5. Mercedes-Benz E-class 155 points

6. Peugeot 3008 144 points

7. Citroen C3 Picasso 113 points

Readers with unusual memories, or the ability to click here, will no doubt be keen to point out that the Citroen C3 Picasso which we expected to be fighting the iQ for the top spot actually came last. We’d still have voted iQ first and C3 Picasso first. So there.

Digesting the news… then spewing it out in 60 words

BMW announced that they’ll be sending some Minis to Goodwood next year, where they’ll be re-trimmed and embellished by Rolls Royce, then sold on for lots more money. Lee Noble’s new non-Noble supercar company was Christened Fenix – presumably to avoid Phoenix/Pheonix debates. And Vauxhall announced some evolutionary tweaks to the Corsa, trying in vein keep up with the Fiesta.

Give 50p to the man in the hut! Pick a crooked putter! Aim under the windmill! Over the cobbled bridge… mind the camber! That’s right, Auto Exclamation is striking a birdie in the brand new Veedub Polo! It’s Miniature Golf! One point FOUR!

VW remembered that people forget what the Polo looks like and have done something to help! Can’t recall the Polo’s face? Fine! Just think of a Golf that’s slightly further away! From the wide Tiger Woods smile to the austere Faldo personality, it’s what geneticists would call closely related! Steve Ryder will recite your life in this little thud box!

If interior quality was measured on a bar graph, the Polo would have a massive bar! From ticking relays to nobbing knurlers, the Polo has the rubbery smoothability of writing on a banana with a biro! You’ll be fiddling with nobs like you’ve just caught puberty! But it’s not all about sitting in it without driving it! Playing a game of miniature golf isn’t as much fun as having a Fiesta? Is it?

No! The Polo plays miniature golf with freezing numb hands! I can’t feel my legs Muriel! Muted dampings and smoothed vibrationals will earn happy chatter at the 19^th hole, but don’t tell the men in funny trousers about the steering or brakes! They’re deader than a slept on arm… but at least you’ll never get pins and needles!

So, it’s a thoughtful putt instead of a spirited drive – but after the little bits of paper have been handed in, is it a birdie or a bogey? We’ll find out at the final hole! What do you get for the supermini mid-price of £12,500? It’s Fiesta versus Polo! Let’s hit the theme park fairway!

Off the tee with the engine! Fiesta plays an 81 horse yard drive with a 1.25 iron, while Polo hits 84 yards thanks to a bigger 1.4 thwacker! Polo nudges it! Next, it’s an economical chip under that windmill! Mind the blades! Despite being heavier, the Fiesta strikes back with 49.5 mpg and 133 g/CO2 against the Polo’s 47.9 and 139!

It’s neck and neck as they hit the sloping concrete green – just a final putt that relies on kit! Tension is rising! ESP, alloys and leccy back windows all need extra cash on the Fiesta… but they’re free with the Polo! Seve Ballesteros golfers! Who would’ve thunk it? The Polo sinks it first with an excellent value putt!

Let’s hit the clubhouse and talk conclusionals! OK, you’re not going to play miniature golf if you holiday in Ibiza… but don’t forget – not everybody wants to! While the rest of the supermini crew are fizzing around on poppers, the Polo plays its game of sense with more stubbornness and thoughtfulness than ever! And it’s not even an expensive hobby! Sports car ambitionists with no interest in ruining a good walk can get a Fiesta for sure, but for the normalists out there, the Polo is a swooping great albatross of wellbeing! Happy Gilmore everybody!