‘Dat the new vRS?’, yaps the intricately bearded man waiting at the lights in a lowered 318Ci, ‘I been waiting to see one of dem man’. Fake Armani shades now lifted, his pupils pour over the Kermit paint job and, quite surprisingly, he doesn’t piss himself laughing. ‘Yeah looks sweet, nice rims. Open it up man’. So I do. Leave him for dead and leave me totally bewildered.

With a goopy face, under wheeled profile and self-conscious black roof, I expected the Fabia vRS to hit the streets with a handicap – but sitting at the lights outside a fried chicken shop in Birmingham, it’s the hottest piece of metal around. P Diddy could drive an R8 Spyder straight past unnoticed.

There’s more heckling at a petrol station in Kent, this time from an Accord Type S owner with even finer facial topiary than 318Ci man. ‘Nice car mate… petrol innit, what does it do?’. Being a massive geek, my answer is accurate; ‘7.3 seconds to 60, 139mph top end’. He replies in a tone of disgust, like I’d just told him my favourite hobby was rubbing crude oil into the eyes of rare sea birds ‘yeah, but what about to the gallon mate?’. Right. ‘They say 45mpg combined, but I’m getting mid 30s’ I reply in my politest voice. ‘Nah, I’d rather have the old diesel version then’.

He’s got a point. The first Fabia vRS, this car’s famously diesel predecessor, could be coaxed into hitting 60mpg. Standing in the shadow of a sign that puts petrol at £1.23 a litre, it’s hard to see the sense in replacing it with a car that does half that. That’s not the end of it though – there’s one more spontaneous talking head. Haven’t had this much attention since driving a Bentley Continental GT Speed to ASDA.

‘You see mate, you’ve made a mistake there’ said a Geordie over my shoulder, clearly thinking I’d bought it with my own money. Turning round to put face to voice, he’s wearing a Subaru cap – this man REALLY knows about cars. ‘Same as a Polo GTI that is… and yeah it’s two k cheaper on paper like… but what’s that monthly? Bet it’s nothing man. I’d pay the extra fiver or whatever and have the Dub fella’. Turns out Skoda badge snobbery isn’t completely dead after all… at least not amongst rude Geordies.

Being three potential customers who actually hand over money for their new cars, they are of course all absolutely right. The new vRS is good looking and quick, but has two big problems – it’s not a diesel and it’s not cheap enough.

First, the diesel thing. The Fabia’s 178bhp twincharger petrol engine is a brilliant thing, especially when synced up with the equally brilliant DSG gearbox – but it doesn’t feel as happy in the vRS as it does in the Ibiza Cupra, which to man-on-street is only a fiver a month more to buy. On occasions where you’d slip the SEAT into manual mode and parp about using the paddles, you leave the slightly taller, softer and calmer feeling Skoda in auto, where it upchanges early. The more laidback chassis wants a laidback, and frugal, diesel engine.

Which brings us onto problem two – it’s not cheap enough. At £15,700 it is £1300 less than the Cupra and a couple of grand less than a Polo GTI (both of which, as Subaru hat man pointed out, share a powertrain and a great deal of chassis bolts)… but, to man-on-street with a monthly payment plan, that’s not a big enough incentive to turn down a posher badge – especially when the fuel consumption, tax and insurance will be the same. What he wants is a hot hatch that’s not only cheaper to buy, but cheaper to run. He wants a diesel engine too.

Just imagine Skoda put VAG’s 140bhp 2.0TDI engine into a Fabia and then slapped a vRS badge on that. It’d hit 60 in the mid 8s, do 50mpg and be even cheaper to buy in the first place. It’d be a genuine, economical but still reasonably quick alternative to the Polo GTI and Ibiza Cupra, instead of a cheaper, less desirable version of the same thing.

So, thanks for the help 318Ci man, Accord Type S man and Subaru hat man. You’ve forced us to awkwardly conclude that despite being cheaper than two almost identical cars, and despite being fitted with an engine that’s just been awarded International Engine of the Year 2010, the Skoda Fabia vRS should cost less and have a different engine. Hilarious.

Let’s get the obvious out of the way with first. Skoda haven’t made a rubbish car for a decade, and the Superb name is neither new or inaccurate, so don’t scoff at that either. Alright? Good. Now we can get on.

Based on last year’s all new saloon, this is the first ever Superb Estate – and it’s proper, genuinely, 100% totally bloody amazing. Not in a ‘oh yeah… that Skoda’s really brilliant… I mean, ha, fancy Skoda making a good car’ way. Not in a ‘I suppose it’s an impressive achievement considering its price’ way either. But in a ‘Shit. Really. Where an earth did that come from? Wow’ way. If you want an analogy, this is their iPhone – a product that does absolutely everything, redefining the brand all over again.

Seeing as sycophantic reviews always sound rubbish, we’ll stay factual, measured and objective… and being as it’s an estate, we’ll start with the boot. The Superb’s rear measures 633 litres with the seats up and 1865 litres with the seats down – massive. But unless you frequently carry around fresh air or litre bottles of water, that’s all meaningless. So have some reference points:

Volvo’s biggest current estate is the V70 – with the seats up it’s got a 575 litre boot, rising to 1600 when they’re down. So the Superb Estate has a bigger boot than the biggest Volvo. Fact. That also makes it bigger than an A6 Avant, new BMW 5 Touring, Ford Mondeo Estate, Vauxhall Insignia Sports Tourer and VW Passat Estate. In fact, the only estate on sale today with a bigger boot is the new Mercedes E-Class.

So we’ll use the big-E as a reference point for price, interior quality and equipment – a Mercedes is a tough benchmark for a Skoda to match after all. The cheapest Superb Estate is the 1.4 TSI at £18k, rising to the most expensive £30k 3.6 V6. The very cheapest E-Class Estate is also £30k, in the shape of the E200 CGI 4-cyl petrol. A handy comparison.

The interior of the Skoda is better to look at, nicer to touch and more intuitive to use than the Merc’s. Less tacky, better damped, more ergonomic. There’s more kit in it too, including the best touch screen entertainment system of any car on sale anywhere, standard fit sat nav and the flawless DSG gearbox from VW. If you want sat nav and auto in the Merc, you’ll need to spend another £2,500.

But you still won’t have the Skoda’s performance – the V6 has 260bhp and cracks 62mph in just 6.6 seconds. Through the gears, using the massive 258lb ft hunk of torque that’s spread right across the middle of the rev range, you’ll outrun most hot hatches that bother to try. The £30k Merc is 80bhp and 60lb ft down as well as two seconds slower to 62mph… a Merc with similar performance and similar kit costs over £40k. Crikey.

Of course though, you’d be a little mad to buy a brand new V6 car with an mpg figure in the 20s when petrol costs £1.20 a litre. As quick as it might be, it’s not worth the pleasure. What you should really get is the sensible 140bhp diesel which, even when you’ve added the DSG box, costs less than £25k in top-spec Elegance trim.

With the double clutch set-up, the diesel Superb is just as smooth as the V6, barely noisier, cracks 60mph in 10 secs and is still effortlessly torquey – but it’s quoted at 51.4mpg combined. The most economical, cheapest Merc estate diesel is over £6,000 more expensive, 5mpg worse off and only 1 second quicker to 62mph. Its auto box isn’t as smooth as the Skoda’s automated manual either.

Bored of the praise yet? Sorry. It’s nearly over. We’re labouring the point just to make sure you don’t under-estimate quite how brilliant the Skoda is. The E-Class Estate hasn’t been used because it’s an easy benchmark to beat and prove a point – it’s been used because it’s currently the best premium estate on sale, and because it therefore gets the closest to matching the Skoda’s ginormous spread of talent.

So, bad points then. Erm… literally? No. Space, refinement, speed, price, economy, ergonomics, equipment, quality and even styling are all beyond criticism. This is a real second coming for Skoda. After the revelation at the beginning of the last decade that they can make cars as good as anyone else, they’ve now gone and shown that they can actually make cars better than anyone else.

If you can think of another estate that can do everything the Superb does, please let us know. If not, then let’s all form a loyal band of disciples and worship the new Messiah of Estates. If Apple geeks can call the iPhone the Jesus phone, can’t us car geeks call the Superb Estate the Jesus car? You don’t get a brolly in the door of an iPhone anyway.

Nissan have announced prices for their brilliantly gawky Sonia Jackson look-a-like, the Juke. And while the looks split opinion like Cassidy splits mirrors, we want one even more than we did before. The range starts at a Fiesta scaring £12,795, which gets you a 1.6 petrol engine, 16″ alloys and air con alongside the bag-of-smashed-crabs face.

The model your brain will tell you to want is the middling £15,145 1.5 dCi Acenta, where you get climate control, Bluetooth, a USB hole and 17″ rims. The model your heart will want is the top of the range, £19,995 190hp turbocharged 1.6 with four wheel drive. Best compromise is probably the turbo charged engine in 2WD form, which costs from £15,595. Less than £16k for a mad looking, British built odd-box with 190hp? Yes please.

Reasons for not buying a Juke are the excellent Skoda Yeti – a touch pricey and bland by comparison, and the agile Fiesta – on the nose for price, but smaller. So, while the face may have a whiff of sausagemeat Cassidy to it, we reckon it’s an interesting, good value, decently equipped wedge of geometric spunkiness. Nissan will take deposits from June, with deliveries starting in September. Like.

Digesting the news… then spewing it out in 60 words

Lexus facelifted the IS, adding an F-Sport model with IS-F cosmetics, dropping the CO2 and fuel consumption and improving the sat-nav and stereo. The average CO2 emissions of cars sold in Britain dropped to 149.5g/km. Brabus shoved a 789bhp, twin turbo V12 into the E-Class coupe. And Skoda announced their tweaked Fabia and Roomsters will cost from £9,330 and £11,260.

MISS – Nissan Micra

As frog faced and squidgy looking as the current Micra is, and as much as that might have scared away some core grannies, surely the Nissan Micra should look more interesting than this?

HIT – Skoda Fabia vRS

There’s something unpretentiously desirable about a quick Skoda – especially when it’s running the same 177bhp twincharger engine as the excellent Ibiza Cupra. There’s even going to be an estate version of this £16k hot hatch.

MISS – Alfa Romeo Giulietta

A lot of people were making inappropriate sexual noises as they walked passed Alfa’s new Focus rival – we can only assume it was because of the models. Promises of Golf rivalling quality aside, we think the Giulietta looks a bit awkard. Like a pigeon with piles.

HIT – Vauxhall Meriva

Now based on the Zafira, the Meriva has gone posh with a smart interior and trick suicide doors. Gimmick or not, Rolls Royce style entry apertures are what car buying humans like to show off to their mates – it’s a smart move.

MISS – Every Porsche Panamera There

So many naff tuning firms decided to further butcher the Porsche Pigs Ear it actually got a bit funny. A personal favourite was the hilariously named ‘Fab Design’ who accidentally shat all sorts of glass fibre pebble dashed mess all over the place.

HIT – Mini Countryman

There. We’ve said it. The Mini Countryman wasn’t that bad in the flesh – not perfect, but not an complete face disgrace. In real life it looked quite muscular and chunky, and, as you’ll note by the amazing photo below – there’s room for a human with knees in the back.

Knees, fitting in behind our own 6ft driving position. Never seen before in a Mini.

Digesting the news… then spewing it out in 60 words

Pictures of the new Lexus CT 200h hybrid leaked onto the interweb, ahead of the car’s official launch at Geneva. Skoda facelifted the Fabia and Roomster. Fiat showed off the 138bhp 500C Abarth, which does 62mph in 7.9secs and goes on sale later this year. And Tata announced that their massive Aria will go on sale in the UK in 2011.

Digesting the news… then spewing it out in 60 words

Today, many cars were revealed. Nissan thrust their striking Yeti rivalling crossover upon us. VW showed off the new Touareg – now with a 34mpg, 375bhp hybrid that can run on just electricity. Kia bandied around their plug-in hybrid Ray concept, which hints at what a Kia Prius rival would be like. And Audi unveiled official pics of their new A1.

Digesting the news… then spewing it out in 60 words

Mazda released details of the new Mazda5 seven seat MPV – officially unveiled at Geneva, on sale in the UK this autumn and bearer of a funny swoop. Skoda announced a 1.4% rise in sales in 2009, and showed off piccies of the belting Superb Estate 4×4. And the head of Fiat said Lancia and Chrysler will merge together by the end of the year.

Digesting the news… then spewing it out in 60 words

Renault owned Romanian budget-meisters Dacia unveiled their new and erotically utilitarian Duster – a Yeti sized wagon that might yet come to the UK. A group of old Ford executives put together a bid to buy Volvo, rivalling current favourite purchaser Geely. And news of another wrecked supercar did the rounds, as some chap stuffed his Zonda in Hong Kong.

The Car of the Year 2010 gong has been handed to the VW Polo, sparking a raging debate over what’s less imaginative – the car, or the decision to give it victory. The little Volkswagen pipped the thoroughly interesting Toyota iQ into second place by 10 points, with many pundits claiming Toyota ‘was robbed’, and that the whole scenario is almost as unfair as Ireland not qualifying for the World Cup because of Thierry Henry’s hand ball. Obviously VW didn’t cheat (corruption and bribes have definitely never played a part in the judgement process), but they have got bloody lucky.

Closer inspection of the results shows that the Polo was voted the best car by 25 of the 59 judges, and received a total score of 347 against the iQ’s 24 win votes and 337 points. Here’s a run down of the total scores:

1. Volkswagen Polo 347 points

2. Toyota iQ 337 points

3. Vauxhall Astra 221 points

4. Skoda Yeti 158 points

5. Mercedes-Benz E-class 155 points

6. Peugeot 3008 144 points

7. Citroen C3 Picasso 113 points

Readers with unusual memories, or the ability to click here, will no doubt be keen to point out that the Citroen C3 Picasso which we expected to be fighting the iQ for the top spot actually came last. We’d still have voted iQ first and C3 Picasso first. So there.

The 7 finalists for the award that has been awarded the ‘most promoted award that bears no relevance to the buying public’ award were today announced. Because none of them are Italian, it’s very hard to predict a winner – a problem that isn’t helped by the COTY website’s description of each car, which appears to have been written as part of an English exam by a French schoolboy.

So, to better introduce the finalists, and help predict which car will win, on the sidewalls kindly offers its own translation and betting odds service:

Citroen C3 Picasso

COTY website: ‘The Picasso saga has been a success for Citroën since 1998, and the new model with a fresh style will likely continue it. The anticipation of the future C3 family is the entry offer in the Citroën line of MPVs with real capabilities for family use’.

Translation: The Picasso sold by the bucketload in 1998 because it was so bloody cheap, and even though this one’s more expensive, people in their 30s think it looks cool so it’ll probably do just as well. Other than that, it doesn’t do anything new… erm, oh, right… there’ll be a bigger one at some point.

on the sidewalls odds: 3/1

Mercedes-Benz E-Class

COTY website: ‘Even now, when M-Bs occupy every market niche, E-class keeps on being the backbone of its model line. The wide range comprises an elegant saloon, a sleek coupe and an estate with about the biggest cargo space in the market.’

Translation: Despite the fact that Mercedes now have almost as many models as there are letters in the alphabet, they still remembered to build a car for taxi drivers who don’t like the 5-Series. There’s a saloon, a coupe and an estate that might have the biggest boot in the class – but we haven’t checked yet.

on the sidewalls odds: 5/1

Vauxhall/Opel Astra

COTY website: ‘Mixing Insignia’s blades and wings styling theme in a different way, Opel has shaped an appealing, almost muscular, Astra. A 5-door car also much bigger, therefore heavier. There’s no much space gain in the cabin, yet the interior improves a lot in perceived quality, with layout and looks also similar to big brother.’

Translation: The Insignia won last year, and the Astra looks a bit like it – so it goes through. Despite it being bigger and heavier than the last one, there’s not actually that much more room inside… oh, hang on, that’s not a good thing is it? Erm, did we mention it looks similar to its big brother?

on the sidewalls odds: 4/1

Peugeot 3008

COTY website: ‘The 3008 is the most original Peugeot creature in years, mixing shapes and features usually related to hatchbacks and SUVs, as the tall seating or the split tailgate. Interior has functionality, but also lots of light with the panoramic roof, and a sporty cockpit that appeals drivers.’

Translation: The 3008 is a bit odd, but because it doesn’t immediately look like an SUV you don’t feel arrogant driving it. With a glass roof, posh interior and split tailgate, it manages to tick all the boxes while remaining slightly pointless.

on the sidewalls odds: 7/2

Skoda Yeti

COTY website: ‘Skoda had already used an AWD system with a Haldex clutch in its Octavia range. Fresh-looking Yeti takes the relay with a body style and a taller ride height more identified with the function of getting occasionally off tarmac, what can be satisfactorily accomplished.’

Translation: First things first – the technology under the silly name is old. But, it looks good in a rugged-utilitarian way and isn’t actually that bad when you get stuck in a boggy car boot sale.

on the sidewalls odds: 11/2

Toyota iQ

COTY website: ‘Toyota has solved an almost impossible equation of size, room, functionality and safety in the iQ, a city car not addressed to massive sales. It has done so by cleverly engineering tricks in transmission, steering and interior, with thin seat backs and a non-existent dashboard/glovebox in the front occupant side… and a record number of airbags.’

Translation: Toyota have created the world’s first four seater car that only three people can sit in – and then priced it so high that it’s not getting any sales. The technology behind it is far too clever to explain in a second language, so we’ll just put it down to magic tricks… although we do know it’s got an airbag across the back window which is pretty cool.

on the sidewalls odds: 3/1

Volkswagen Polo

COTY website: ‘You may say new Polo is just a scaled-down Golf. So what? The Volkswagen spirit of excellence is integrated into the structure and looks of this model that plays the role of not being as big as other cars in this segment.’

Translation: Even we’re not going to suggest that the styling isn’t anything other than a Golf photocopied on 75% scale. Pretty lazy we know, but it does feel bloody posh inside, it’ll probably outlast a cockroach and it doesn’t weigh 2 tonnes.

on the sidewalls odds: 5/1

So, there you go – time to make your mind up. In our humble opinion, it should be a toss up between the thoughtfully designed and very useful C3 Picasso or the staggeringly designed but actually-not-that-useful Toyota iQ. Which means the Peuegot 3008 will inevitably win.

The winner will be announced on November 30th. Place your bets… NOW.

Precise Translation

Today in 60 words… it’s all you need to read.

Toyota spewed out even more pictures of its FT-86 Subaru mash-up, just to make sure we’re sick of it before its even unveiled in Tokyo next week. The Skoda Superb Estate galvanised its reputation as ‘most liked car ever’ by the British motoring press. And Renault showed us the billionth hot hatch of the month – the melty-faced £22k Megane 250.

‘That’s a nice touch – hooks for your shopping bags. And look at that, they’re adjustable.’ They’re not words you’d expect to fall out the mouth of a twenty-something, but fall they did. And they’re very revealing about the new Skoda Yeti’s character. No matter how old you are, or how radical your haircut and hobbies, it’s got the power to strip you of pretentious cool and suck you into its practical sense.

Despite being the newest member of the bafflingly popular crossover genre (raised ride-height cars, sold to people who imagine having dangerous lifestyles), the Yeti doesn’t have ‘ski hooks’, ‘rock-boot drawers’ or ‘hair gel cubbies’. Instead it’s got a big boot, adjustable and removable rear seats, lots of space and high quality thunkability. It’s easy to get into if you’re wearing a parachute and crash helmet, but doesn’t make you feel bad if you’re wearing old jeans and a Led Zep t-shirt.

But don’t mistake this passive attitude for laziness. Being based on a Golf, it goes round corners with reasonable agility, has a rubbery texture to the steering and a much steadier ride than you’d expect from a Skoda on stilts. Want to race to the beach before the tide? Let’s cane it. Want to cruise about with a slipped disc? I’ll be gentle sir.

The most popular Yeti is likely to be fitted with the 110bhp variant of VW’s slightly gruff 2.0 TDI motor, with a 6-speed manual gearbox. The 206lb ft of torque will help slug it away from any inconvenient mountains, while a combined mpg of around 50mpg means it will make it back for Eastenders without stopping for a top-up.

At £18k, this sensibly specced model isn’t cheap, but it doesn’t have to be. The aim of the game is to take on Nissan’s Qashqai and win – and because Skoda know it’s better than a Qashqai, they priced it at the same level. Let’s not forget that the Qashqai has enjoyed such massive sales figures that Nissan stopped bothering to make the Primera.

So, time for the nation’s collective personality to decide what’s more important – pretending to go up mountains, or admitting that shopping bag hooks are very useful. Skoda must be hoping that the down-to-earth people who answer honestly haven’t already got a Qashqai. They’ll be missing out if they have.

Numbly Fraudulent