Oakley Hoodie

We can only apologise. While we were being distracted by pictures of their RS5, Audi released the third and fourth videos in their A1 promotional campaign. In these two, Justin Timberlake (who’s now called Jon), zips about in the little red Mini-hater, sharing raunchy glances with the woman who he doesn’t really know. Seeing as the first video saw the woman being shot at, we can only assume she’s obviously a horrible, horrible lady that he’s better off avoiding. Find out below if he sticks with her, or tells her to naff off and steals her car. Or just keeps running away from the men with guns…

You can tell a lot about a car’s character from the material covering the inside of its A-pillars. Cheap, brittle little cars have pillars garnished with the type of plastic that photocopier paper trays are made of. Expensive, plush cars have smartly upholstered fabric pillars that invite a casual backhand stroke.

Usually, it’s a pretty clear-cut affair: fabric or plastic. Good or bad. But the revised MiTo is deceptive. For three whole days, we thought the pillars were fabric… and true to analogy, the car stood up well. It felt premium and strokeable.

The premium-ness actually comes from a couple of new MultiAir engines – the most newsworthy of a variety of changes that took place at the end of 2009. Instead of the valves being moved by the camshafts, they’re controlled electronically in a manner that can either boost economy or power. Sounds simple, but making an engine’s valves move independently of engine speed is ruddy smart. Feels it too.

At low revs, the 135bhp turbocharged 1.4 MultiAir engine fitted to our mid-spec £16k Veloce model (there’s also an £18k 170bhp Cloverleaf version) is quiet and docile, but torquey and flexible. Ask it to do something more interesting and it changes character entirely, giving a surge that you’d never think was coming from such a small capacity. The combination of 50.4mpg, 129g/km and 8.4 second 0-62mph time give paper-proof to the tarmac impression.

The strokeability comes from gently caressed steering software. The MiTo used to feel like it had been programmed by the chap that engineered Sega Rally – a light, numb action with inconsistent resistance trying to emulate genuine weight. It was bad. Now though, it’s better… and the body control and general nimbleness are still just as respectable as they have always been.

For the first three days of our week with the MiTo, those were our impressions. Clever engine, improved steering, decent dynamics and pleasantly upholstered A-pillars. But then we got stuck in a traffic jam and it all started to unravel. In a moment of boredom, a restless index finger stretched out like E.T to touch a pillar and – O M Flipping G. They’re plastic. It’s a fake! Closer inspection of the whole car was of course now required. So instead of waiting in the traffic jam and marvelling at the Start/Stop system, we turned off and took the rurals… and it didn’t go that well.

Look past the clear improvements to the steering and the persistent faults of the MiTo’s set-up remain. There’s still a dead spot in the middle, a lack of feedback and an impression that any apparent ‘weight’ that builds through a corner is actually a computerised, artificial response instead of a physical, rubbery one.

Tuning into the car over the A-roads that people used before the M42 existed, more faults revealed themselves. The gearchange, which to our pre-pillar revelation selves had basically felt fine, was baulky and vague under closer inspection. The engine, which is easily the car’s strongest feature, developed an attitude problem if asked to do anything useful above 5,000rpm. The car’s ability to deal with any significant lumps was noisily absent too. The MiTo showed itself up to be dynamically inferior to not just the Mini, but also the Citroen DS3.

Thought turned to the MiTo’s DNA system, which adjusts throttle response and steering weight from All-weather to Normal to Dynamic. Being human, we’d always switched the MiTo to Dynamic for the sharpest responses… but now, in a move to find a better set-up, it was switched back to Normal. Perhaps this would reveal more a more natural side, with a smoother power delivery and less computerised resistance to the steering. Not a chance. It just makes the throttle so baggy that you genuinely think you’re in third when pulling away from a junction.

Then we got back home, still annoyed that the car had tricked us into thinking it had fabric A-pillars, not plastic ones. And the deception sums it up well. On the face of it, the MiTo is desirable, smartly engineered and good to jaunt about in; a car you’d buy if you want a Mini but can’t stomach actually buying a Mini. Initially, the MiTo is also just as satisfying to drive as the German too – but there’s a numbness and artificiality lurking beneath the surface – cheap plastic where you expect nice fabric, and dynamic niggles where you expect simple pleasures. If you never delve beneath the surface of a car, the MiTo will be fine… just don’t look for any hidden depths. You might scratch the A-pillars.

Ageing N*Sync star and famous ex-fondler of Britney’s Spears, Justin Timberlake, has long been known as the main ambassador of Audi’s A1, and now it’s getting serious – he’s going to star in six short films to promote the car ahead of its UK launch in October.

The first episode shows Justin (who in the film is actually called John), enjoying a coffee while chatting to a bossy sounding fellow on the phone. Rather annoyingly for Justin, sorry… John, the conversation with the bossy man is interrupted by an abrupt woman who happens to be under fire. He helps the abrupt woman escape from the cafe before being told to drive her away in her Audi A1. The moral? The Audi A1 will be bought by abrupt woman who can’t drive the thing with heels on.

Who knows what the next episode will bring. Does abrupt woman accidentally call John Justin? Will abrupt woman calm down? Will we find out who bossy man is? Will Justin do some acting? Will he get his computer back from the cafe? Will the abrupt lady learn to drive her own car? Well, all those questions and possibly more will be answered when the next episode is released in a week’s time – check back here to find out. Can’t wait.

There’s a chicken/egg parallel to the premium supermini market. What came first; the new Mini, or the public’s lust for a posh small car? Almost definitely the former. The car came first, BMW made us want it and now it’s King of the Cocks – a shiny feathered man hen that everyone wants a piece of. Which makes the Citroen DS3 a hungry, wily fox.

And it’s got a lot to do… even after nearly a decade of lording it about the farm on its own, the Mini is yet to be faced with a fox to match it. The Fiat 500 is cheap and cuddly but a bit soft. The Alfa MiTo has an 8C’s face but is secretly rubbish to drive. And the Audi A1 looks great but doesn’t exist yet. The DS3 could be the first bushy tailed urban warrior with a full quota of Mini chomping teeth.

It’s certainly got a wide enough grin… and that counts for a lot when appealing to the clutch-bagged shoppers who want a Mini. LED daytime running lights set the DS3 up with a tarty, glitzy look that only gets more impressive as you head to further down its plumage. Chrome door handles look posh; half-cut, forward leaning B-pillars look mad and smartly surfaced bejewelled lights and badges out-style the Mini in one glance. Fox is sexier than the Cock.

That’s half of the battle won, really. But not all of it. Because Citroen, despite their ginormous improvements over the past few years, still have the slight whiff of ‘value’ around them… and ‘value’ doesn’t sit well with ‘premium’. So, it’s actually a good thing that the DS3 isn’t an awful lot cheaper than a Mini.

Prices start at £11,700 for a 95bhp 1.4VTi petrol with 95bhp – £500 less than the Mini One with similar power, and go up to £15,600 for a 110bhp 1.6HDi diesel with 110bhp – £750 more than a Mini Cooper D with similar power. Awkwardly, or perhaps cleverly, the best DS3, our £15,900, 150bhp 1.6 petrol sneaks into the middle ground between the Cooper and Cooper S for both price and power. Wily, wily Fox avoiding direct Cock comparison.

Perhaps it’s no surprise that Citroen didn’t want their fastest DS3 to square right up to either of the sporty Minis – because even after some sharpening up, the C3 chassis which underpins the DS3 can’t perform the some hot-footed chicken dance as the Mini. It’s not overly baggy or dull, but there’s a touch more body roll, an inch more squat and dive than you’d get in a Mini andless feel through the steering. The upside is a slightly more compliant ride, but there’s no mpg payoff for the softer edge – 42.2mpg is good for a 150bhp petrol, but not so smart next to the 52mpg Cooper and 48mpg Cooper S.

Quite how much the average Mini driver appreciates the chassis under them is up for debate though – so, ignoring the mpg figure, maybe the DS3’s slightly softer set-up will be a good thing. Comfort lovers will prefer the Citroen’s interior too – lighter, less fussy and more spacious, and you get the sense it won’t develop rattles quite as quickly as a Mini too. The 280 litre boot makes the Mini’s 160 litre hole look like somewhere even a battery hen would baulk at too.

So is the DS3 foxy enough to take the King of the Cocks off its pedestal? Not quite. It’s got a better combination of style, space and comfort – but that can’t quite make up for the inferior dynamics and economy. The DS3 deserves to do well on the talents it’s got, but it’s going to have to hand the chicken killing responsibility to the Audi A1. It better tart sharpening its teeth now.

Digesting the news… then spewing it out in 60 words

Hennessey released a teaser picture of their 1000bhp, 262mph, V8 powered, Elise based Venom GT ahead of its official unveiling at the end of the month. Aston failed to persuade the world that the Cygnet is a good idea, by announcing it’ll be available in any colour its misguided customers desire. And BMW confirmed that they’re developing a FWD chassis.

MISS – Nissan Micra

As frog faced and squidgy looking as the current Micra is, and as much as that might have scared away some core grannies, surely the Nissan Micra should look more interesting than this?

HIT – Skoda Fabia vRS

There’s something unpretentiously desirable about a quick Skoda – especially when it’s running the same 177bhp twincharger engine as the excellent Ibiza Cupra. There’s even going to be an estate version of this £16k hot hatch.

MISS – Alfa Romeo Giulietta

A lot of people were making inappropriate sexual noises as they walked passed Alfa’s new Focus rival – we can only assume it was because of the models. Promises of Golf rivalling quality aside, we think the Giulietta looks a bit awkard. Like a pigeon with piles.

HIT – Vauxhall Meriva

Now based on the Zafira, the Meriva has gone posh with a smart interior and trick suicide doors. Gimmick or not, Rolls Royce style entry apertures are what car buying humans like to show off to their mates – it’s a smart move.

MISS – Every Porsche Panamera There

So many naff tuning firms decided to further butcher the Porsche Pigs Ear it actually got a bit funny. A personal favourite was the hilariously named ‘Fab Design’ who accidentally shat all sorts of glass fibre pebble dashed mess all over the place.

HIT – Mini Countryman

There. We’ve said it. The Mini Countryman wasn’t that bad in the flesh – not perfect, but not an complete face disgrace. In real life it looked quite muscular and chunky, and, as you’ll note by the amazing photo below – there’s room for a human with knees in the back.

Knees, fitting in behind our own 6ft driving position. Never seen before in a Mini.

A little while ago, we had the pleasure of driving about and reviewing a UK spec Nissan Cube – we quite liked it. By utter fluke, some chap with specs seems to have got hold of the same car and made a video of it. You can watch it here:

It’s definitely not a practical joke any more. Mini have announced prices and other details for their Countryman crossover, which will go on sale in the UK in September. Cheapest is the 98hp One at exactly £16,000, rising up to £20,810 for the 184hp Cooper S.

The Cooper D looks like the most sensible buy at £18,810 – it’s got 112hp, 199lb ft and will get to 62mph in 10.9 secs. It also only emits 116g/km of CO2 and is quoted at 64.2 mpg combined. All those figures are for the front wheel drive models though; an  ’All4′ four wheel drive transmission will be available on the Cooper S and Cooper D, costing a smidge over a grand extra with a CO2 and mpg penalty that Mini say is ‘smaller than one might expect’. We’ll have to take their word for it, as they’ve not actually said what it is.

As far as our basic understanding of 4WD transmissions go, the Countryman All4 uses what is essentially an electro-magnetic version of a Haldex clutch – if the front wheels lose traction, the rears are engaged. A prop-shaft to the rear wheels actually runs constantly to make the transition from FWD to 4WD as smooth as possible, with the clutch engaging the rear wheels when necessary. Clever. Although the ground clearance is actually only 1cm higher than a normal Mini so the 4WD seems a bit pointless anyway.

All UK cars will come with a rear bench seat as standard, with a no-cost option of having two individual rear seats instead. Other standard kit includes parking sensors, heated mirrors and washers, roof rails, DAB radio, bluetooth and ‘preparation for a bicycle rack’.

Unavoidable cynicism for such a cynical car aside, the fact that the Cooper D Countryman can be had for less than £20k seems reasonable value next to the likes of Kugas, X1s and Tiguans which all cost a good few grand more. We’ll reserve judgement as to how practical it really is until we’re poking around it in Geneva – but if it’s got vaguely comparable space to the likes of the Kuga, you better get used to seeing its funny face about.

With the Justin Timberlake photo, smug speccy man shot and nasty footballer video, the Audi A1 was at risk of being annoying before it even existed. Lots of viral marketing, very little information on the car. Thankfully, Audi have now released some tangible factage and unobscured photos… and it looks sharp and tidy.

The styling has stayed impressively close to the concept, right down to the sweepy aluminium roof line that can be specced in various colours. There will be three engines at launch, all of which are turbo-blowered; a 1.2 TFSI petrol with 85bhp and 118lb ft, a 1.4 TFSI petrol with 120bhp and 148lb ft and a 1.6TDI with 104bhp and a chunky 184lb ft.

All will do over 55mpg and all will emit less than 120g/km of CO2 – although the 1.4 will creep over these figures if you don’t spec the optional S-Tronic double clutch gearbox. The diesel is currently quoted as 102g/km of CO2, which seems tantalisingly close to the sub-100g needed for a free tax disc – perhaps they’ll have a twiddle to make it 99g before launch.

Prices are expected to start at around £13k when it goes on sale at the end of the year, with all models coming with alloys, air con, ESP and an e-diff as standard. Audi are making a big deal of the customisation options on the A1 too, with the possibility of flashing LED lights in your speakers (Kia Soul got there first), daytime running lights (just don’t), DAB radio, sat-nav, Bluetooth and various cosmetic twiddlings for inside and out.

An A1 with the right spec of 1.4 TFSI, S-Tronic and sat-nav will easily be nudging £20k – but as Mini have taught us, people will pay almost anything for a small, chic, driveable car that makes them feel posh. To that effect, it might not even matter if the Citroen DS3 proves to be equally small, chic and driveable for less cash. Nonetheless, we like it… especially the shape of the headlights. And if they’ve managed to stick the interior together with their usual finesse, it’ll definitely have one over on the Mini.

Jazz Fag

A slight of hand somewhere behind the scenes at BMW has led to pictures of the Mini Countryman appearing before they really should have done. And it’s not much of a looker. The mudflaps are in the wrong place for a start…

Various concept incarnations like the doorless Beachcomber have already been shown off, but these are the first real-life, real-car piccies of Mini’s first crossover. It’ll be seen in the flesh for the first time at the Geneva Motor Show in March, before going on sale in the UK in the autumn from around £17k. Unlike a lot of mock-roaders, the Countryman will actually be 4WD – eagle eyed viewers will note an ‘All4′ badge on the front door.

Other than the accidentally placed mudflaps, styling hightlights include the clumsiest roof to C-pillar transition ever seen on a production car, round front lights that aren’t actually round at all and a boot lid that still looks sparse despite the massive Mini badge. Good news comes from the fact that it’s got proper back doors instead of borrowing the Clubman’s half sized kitchen cupboard design.

Inside, it’s very similar to a normal Mini with the addition of an aeroplane throttle style handbrake that might be easier to use with Gore-Tex gloves after you’ve been skiing. The styling might be an acquired taste, and even a modestly specced Countryman will no doubt cost Golf GTI money, but look on the bright side… it could be the first new Mini that’s more spacious than Issigonis’ model from 1959. Now that’s progress.

Digesting the news… then spewing it out in 60 words

The Mini range was tweaked with all models getting a slight increase in power and decrease in emissions. GM won’t sell the new 9-5 and 9-3 as rebadged Buicks, and will just bin them should Saab die. And MOT pass rates were released for cars taking their first test in 2007 – Megane was the worst and Corolla the best.

Digesting the news… then spewing it out in 60 words

Mini released pictures of their ‘Beachcomber’ concept car, hinting at what the 2010 Mini Countryman would look like if it didn’t have any doors – i.e. slightly daft. Bugatti showed off three largely irrelevant Veyron special editions, which they will only sell in the Middle East. And Donato Coco, previously the design boss of Ferrari, joined Lotus as Director of Design.

Digesting the news… then spewing it out in 60 words

Alfa Romeo announced they’re changing the name of their upcoming Milano to Giulietta, after sacked Milan workers moaned about how inappropriate the original name was. Audi announced their Mini rivalling A1 will cost between £13k and £20k when it goes on sale at the end of 2010. And Jaguar Land Rover made £41.3m of actual profit in the last quarter.

Fisher Price

Aluminium body panels, a kerb weight less of than a tonne, 3 cylinder diesel engine, space-frame chassis, 65mpg and a plastic flap instead of a bonnet; it sounds like the revolutionary technology you’d hope to see behind the next Mini. But it’s not. It’s what makes an Audi A2, which was released a decade ago.

Despite the engineering and innovation, A2 sales figures were just 10% of those achieved by its Mercedes A-Class rival – basically because it was too clever for its own good. Manufacturing costs were massive, which meant Audi couldn’t afford to promote it and had to price it so steeply that only the wealthiest architects could afford to buy one. A bit of a shame really, because it was, and still is, thoroughly excellent.

Because of the lightweight aluminium body panels, the top heavy appearance doesn’t make it drive like a double decker. With a low centre of gravity, the A2 is as fun to chuck about as a frisbee… and with the majority of them garnished with 17” wheels and chunky rubber, they grip hard and ride well too. Servicing is at 20,000 mile intervals at the very least, the interior has the quality of a mini-A8 and they’ve simply stopped depreciating. A future classic, and a very safe place to put money – just as long as you don’t have to pay for any panel repairs.

The cheapest model now is the 1.4 petrol in white bread spec, costing around £2,000; but it feels a bit own-brand with manual air con and trolley wheels. Throw in an extra £1,000 and you’ll find an 1.4 TDI SE with climate control, big wheels, and if you’re lucky, a panoramic glass roff. Even now, the TDI out-trumps a Mini or Fiat 500 for technology, looks icy cool, costs £35 a year to tax, only needs servicing at 30,000 mile gaps and will resolutely refuse to use any diesel. Ever.

So, if you’re thinking about putting a deposit down on a brand new Mini Cooper D, have a sniff around an Audi A2 1.4 TDI first. Not only will you save yourself £10,000 and enjoy a depreciation-free feeling of superiority, you’ll avoid looking like an estate agent. Not all great Audis have 5 cylinders and 4 wheel drive… next year’s A1 has a lot to live up to.