on the sidewalls

The previous Sorento always seemed at its most comfortable with a Border Collie on the back seat, some wellies in the footwell and a small cottage connected to the towbar. With a body-on-frame chassis, low transfer box and live rear axle, it was a farmers’ weapon that shifted nearly a million units across the world.

Which makes the new Sorento a brave move by Kia – because with a monocoque chassis and independent suspension, it’s completely different. More for Mrs Farmer and the family than Mr Farmer himself.

Happily for Mrs Farmer, Sorento mk2 is also very good. The hero is Kia’s brand new, 194bhp 2.2CRDi engine – especially when hooked up to the smooth £1300 6-speed auto box. Spinning between 1800 and 2500rpm, peak torque of 311lb ft is maintained quietly with the box shuffling through ratios without bother. Bumble around in this comfort zone and the Sorento’s 38mpg combined figure isn’t out of reach either. A good engine.

And Mrs Farmer won’t complain when she encounters her first corner. Body roll is kept to a minimum, the steering has a consistent and natural feel from its hydraulic assistance and there’s more than enough grip and stability to stand up to any emergency sheep avoidance routines. A slightly over-firm ride is the trade-off for making a 1.8 tonne SUV corner without drama – but it’s not a deal breaker.

Nor is the interior. All but the base £20,495 2.4 litre petrol (which is next to pointless) have 7 seats, with a rear pair that are big enough to transport children with limbs, but small enough to use as a method of punishment if they get lippy. Pay £25,495 for the mid-spec KX-2 trim and you get leather, climate control, rear parking sensors and cruise control – it all contributes to an ambience that Mrs Farmer might feel is too push for her husband. Best not tell him that even her new Sorento has actually got a pretty handy 4×4 transmission then.

Perhaps the interior plastics are a little brittle, and perhaps the price looks strong next to a £24k Nissan Qashqai+2 with similar spec – but there’s no escaping from the fact that Mrs Farmer’s new Sorento is a much smarter car than Mr Farmer’s old one.

Digesting the news… then spewing it out in 60 words

BMW announced their subtle new 5 Series Touring will go on sale in September, from £30,380. Fiat revealed their saccharine 500C Pink, which will set exhibitionists back £13,500. Nissan slipped a 187bhp, 2.5 litre turbocharged diesel into their quietly desirable Murano crossover. And Kia released more pictures of their handsomely tiger-faced, Mondeo-rivalling Magentis, which comes to the UK in 2011.

Kia have already proved they can strum a strong Cee’d with their Focus worrying family hatch – but can they bash out the same success in the super competitive mini-MPV genre? Their new Venga, Spanish for ‘come’, is finally splashing onto the scene to try just that! So, can it fly in the faces of established rivals like the Citroen C3 Picasso, or is it just a horrible lonely mess? Auto Exclamation puts its latex gloves on and finds out!

There’s only one place to start – and that’s with a fumble in the back! The Venga needs frolic friendly fold flat seats, with slidey, spacious flexibility to compete with the Picasso! So has it?

Yes! The rear seats slide back and forth to fit legs, luggage or a mix of both, they fold flat for big loads or long umbrellas, split 60/40 and even recline for laid back karma sutra practising! The 1253 litres of maximum space might be a couple of hundred down on the C3 Picasso, but you’ll never notice! You can come or go as you please in the boot… but clean up afterwards please!

She’s not as easy going and encouraging when you move on to the next level though! There’s inconsistency in her responses – and we blame the electric power steering! Turn in is quick but imprecise, and while feedback towards third base is reasonable, she sometimes tightens up for no reason! It’s like playing a Sega Rally arcade game! Even slowing things down leads to reluctancy – a firm kick is required to make her stop! And she’s not an overly forgiving ride either!

At least there’s no danger of a romp being zipped up prematurely! Our 89bhp, 101lb ft 1.4 petrol felt even slower than its 12.4 second 0-60mph time! Lie back and think of England! MPG is quoted as 45.6 combined, but keeping up a decent rhythm dropped ours to 32! Too much drink? Venga’s got Brewer’s droop! Sorry Mike! The 89bhp, 162lb ft diesel promises 62.8mpg but takes a tantric 14 seconds to get to 60mph – that’s automotive celibacy! To the convent you go Venga!

But, surely we’re being harsh! It’s a Kia supermini-MPV, so it’s cheap enough to forgive the driving problems right? It’s marginal! You’ll need £13k to get a 1.4 petrol engine, air con, electric windows, alloys and metallic paint… that’s only £1k less than the more spacious, quicker, sexier, comfier C3 Picasso with the same spec! Although the Kia does have ESP so at least you’ll arrive safely!

And the standard ESP helps to highlight who the Venga’s been made for! Safety conscious Vicar types in BHS coats! They can arrive without harm! And let’s not forget Kia’s 7 year warranty! People with stout shoes will love that! Extra safe! For these folk with teasmaids who kiss on the cheeks and go straight to sleep, the warranty alone is enough to overlook the fumbling dynamics and occasionally lumpy comfort! And we’re happy for them! You might have a better ride in a C3 Picasso… but you’ll come anyway in the Venga!

Digesting the news… then spewing it out in 60 words

Mercedes revealed their F800 Style Concept, which hints at the face of the next CLS and previews new plug-in hybrid technology. Kia showed off a sketch of their new Magentis which will go on sale early next year. And Audi confirmed production of the RS5, which features a tweaked version of the RS4’s V8 with 444bhp, and a DSG gearbox.

Digesting the news… then spewing it out in 60 words

Today, many cars were revealed. Nissan thrust their striking Yeti rivalling crossover upon us. VW showed off the new Touareg – now with a 34mpg, 375bhp hybrid that can run on just electricity. Kia bandied around their plug-in hybrid Ray concept, which hints at what a Kia Prius rival would be like. And Audi unveiled official pics of their new A1.

Digesting the news… then spewing it out in 60 words

The Government announced that the UK scrappage scheme will run to the end of March, not the end of February, as there’s some money left. The SMMT revealed that January 2010 car sales were 29.8% higher than January 2009 sales. Kia released another picture of their plug-in hybrid concept, the Ray. And Seat showed off the surprisingly handsome Ibiza ST.

Digesting the news… then spewing it out in 60 words

Virgin Racing unveiled their VR-01 F1 car, although not with the online digital extravaganza they’d hoped for because of technical difficulties. Which bodes well. Peugeot invoked unanimous disappointment with their new £14,695 207 S16, which only has 120bhp but loads of stickers. And Kia released pictures of their dashingly handsome Sportage, which will go on sale this September from £15,500.

Digesting the news… then spewing it out in 60 words

Jaguar announced that XJ prices will start from £53,775 for the three litre turbodiesel, and rise to £90,455 for the LWD V8 when it goes on sale in April. Kia released a picture of its Ray plug-in hybrid concept that’ll appear at the Chicago motor show in February. And Michael Schumacher wrote on his website that his neck doesn’t hurt.

Yes, we know it’s now Monday so this is old news… but we went to the pub on Friday and have only just left. So, for the sake of continuity, here’s Friday’s news on Monday:

Digesting the news… then spewing it out in 60 words

Some Formula 1 news happened: Renault sold 75% of its team to an unnamed buyer, keeping 25% for itself; and the points system was changed with 25 points for 1^st place, down to 1 point for 10^th. There were rumours of Kia making a rear-drive coupe, based on the Hyundai Genesis. And pictures of Honda’s CR-Z leaked onto the internet.

Ever since a colour blind VW executive invented the Polo Bluemotion, green-leaning economy cars have been swanning around with the fresh air of superiority. They’re made to a simple formula; energy saving tyres are combined with longer gears, before being mixed with slippier aerodynamics and garnished with a badge that’s either green or has a leaf on it. The result is a few less grams of CO2 and a handful of extra mpgs – commendable stuff, but such eco-friendliness costs extra. Like organic food.

The Kia Cee’d EcoDynamics is the latest of the breed, but it’s a bit cheaper – still organic, but from Lidl. At £14,195, it’s four grand less than a Focus EcoNetic or new Golf Bluemotion – and even though you have to fork out for ESP and electric back windows, you can’t find it in you to moan. Organic food for poor people; it’ll probably extend the nation’s life expectancy. But is it actually good value?

Like the rest of the facelifted Cee’ds, the EcoDynamics has an anodyne face that won’t scare the kids, enough space to sit in and an interior that rarely inspires you to moan about scratchy plastics like they do in magazines. The main quibble maker is an over-firm ride that makes it feel a bit hollow as it bonks across sunken manholes.

Annoyingly, the hard ride is highlighted when you try to make the most of the Cee’d’s USP. The EcoDynamic is the first ever Kia to have a stop/start system, which they’ve called ISG (Intelligent Stop & Go). Do less than 3mph, knock it into neutral, release the clutch and the engine will switch off – clutch down to select a gear and it’ll switch on again. It works perfectly, and you’ll only select first gear before it starts if you’re trying to prove point. All this deliberate stalling makes the EcoDynamics an excellent city car, with the quoted urban mpg figure of 60.1 smashing the Focus EcoNetic’s 51.3 into the nearest coal mine. But its do-good nature is hampered by the fact that the ride is at its worst in town. What you gain in eco-friendliness you lose in pothole lumpiness – not ideal.

Happily, out on proper roads the Cee’d settles down. Extracting just 89bhp through tall gears does require some pre-emptive pedalling, but 173lb ft is enough grunt to punt it around with a decent rhythm. The steering is direct too, although it avoids any chitter-chatter in favour of just doing its job. It’s all entirely acceptable, although without any aerodynamic tweaks, frisbee hubcabs or slippy gearbox oil it’s not as green out of town as it is in it.

Overall then, it’s a car that feels at odds with itself. An engine made for the city, with suspension that prefers life in the sticks. As if that wasn’t already a tedious enough quandary to be in, bear this in mind: for the exact same price, you could buy the 113bhp Cee’d – it lacks the ISG, but still manages a combined mpg in the 60s. Unless you spend all your time struggling for breath in heavy traffic, that’s the better car. So, while the Cee’d EcoDynamics is still a good buy for those looking to mend the world on a shoestring, it highlights one thing – buying cheap organic food can give you a sore arse.

Jenson Button, Brawn GP and most of Brackley woke up with cotton-fluff mouths and a bit of sick on their shoes, after winning the driver’s and constructor’s F1 championships. Kia showed more ambition than an asthmatic midget fire-fighter, by revealing their Cadenza BMW 5 Series rival. And Lotus covered a lightened Exige with blackboard paint and called it the Scura.

If you thought the Hyundai i30 hatchback was loaded with comfy Korean competence, then you’re in for a fat load of shock – it’s now got more loadspace for even more spacey competency! Enter the i30 Estate! Auto Exclamation dumps its load and gives you the load-down!

While the recent crop of Korean Hyundai puppies are loaded with sense and good-will, you still only buy them if you’re short of cashloads! Luckily, the Hyundai till doesn’t ask much for an i30 Estate – it’s a load off your financial mind! The cheapest i30 Estate can be coaxed out of the Hyundai man’s hands for just £13,120 – £2,000 cheaper than the least loaded Ford Focus Estate!

Because of its inexpensiveness, Auto Exclamation would wackily recommend blowing your load on the priciest 1.6CRDi Premium model… top spec loady madness! In the big bucks super model, you get alloyed wahoos, a diesel to cruise and heated seats that made moos! When you’re only asked to unload £16,345 it’s not hard to feel like Mr Lucky to Choose! Think of a Focus with similar loading and the nearly £20k ticket will feel like necks in a noose!

If you think that steering the dog-munching cheapie would make sad-times, you’re a Jim Davidson faced racist! While the i30 Estate can’t load you up with funability like a blue oval hearse, it makes you think in different tongues! You go in expecting rubbery, woolly, inaccurate blandness… but then come out with well weighted, comfy riding, posh-toff plushness! Trueness will say that dampings and cornerings miss the last load of cheekability – but it’s for loads of kit, not loads of laughs! Happy times carrying sappy pines!

113 horses unload themselves gaily from the 1.6 litre stable – that might look pony on paper, but on tarmac you never want the horses to suck ‘roids! Torquing comes through loud and clear with 173lb being loads enough to pull you, without making you need to shout loads to hear! And, we all know that the fewer the horses, the more civilised the drinking… 57.6mpg is quoted for a day of combined horsing!

But, what about the rear end loading? Well, you’ve got nothing to be embarrassed about but nothing to shout about! Filling the i30 estate with water would involve wasting 415 litres – that’s only 67 less than a same-rear Focus, but a big loady loader 119 less than the Korean faced samer Kia Cee’d SW! If carrying loose water is your job, get the sister Kia!

And it’s the Korean faced samer that’s the stickiest load of shite to the Hyundai’s face – it just can’t get the bitch off! The Hyundai may feel like a nicer load to lug around, with a better box of gear and touchy feel of steer – but if you’re not buying a Focus, you just want peace of mind and loads of space!

The Hyundai may have a tastier load of talent than its Kia sister, but it’s lacking in the final load of warranty – the i30 Estate has 5 years of mind peace, while the Kia bumps it over with a lucky 7! The Hyundai i30 is a plusher wagon to drive, but the Cee’d SW will carry more loose water and be free to fix for longer! If the head has to rule the heart, we’d get the grammatical nonsense over the thirty eyed monster!