There’s so much to say about the new Hybrid version of Porsche’s most controversial car that a review could easily fill the whole Internet. Nobody would read it to the end, nobody would gain anything from it and we’d have wasted our time. So, to avoid the bother and prove that no car review needs to be longer than 500 words, this one’s 499.

To address the fact that the old Cayenne was too heavy, too ugly and too poorly furnished, Porsche have released a new model that’s up to 180kg lighter, much sleeker to look at and infinitely posher to sit in. And to address the fact that it was a total bastard to the environment, they’ve made a Hybrid version. Sounds perfect.

But it’s not – there are two big problems. First, it’s the least satisfying model to drive. And second, despite the 3.0l supercharged V6 engine being the smallest in the range, and despite it being assisted by a 34kw electric motor and hybrid drivetrain, it’s actually less economical than the Cayenne Diesel. Oh, and at £57k it’s also £13k more expensive than the Diesel. So the Hybrid’s pointless. Right?

Well yes. But also no. Just like every hybrid, it depends on where you drive it.

On roads where other Porsches shine, the Cayenne is flawed. Not because it’s the heaviest model, or because it’s the only one with electric rather than hydraulic power steering – what really sucks enjoyment out of the Cayenne Hybrid is the droning engine note and the distracting commotion of hybrid electronics you can feel through the brakes and throttle.

Brush the brake pedal lightly and it seems to slow through magnetic resistance instead of friction; press harder and only a greater sense of deceleration makes you believe the actual brake discs are doing anything. A similarly numb inconsistency affects the throttle, but is less severe. The engine can go from purely turning the wheels, to charging the battery while turning the wheels, to being switched off totally if you’re coasting, to working at maximum power with electric assistance… all with one flex of the right ankle. The motor swapping is masked well, but never totally disguised.

Yet all that’s forgiven when you get into traffic and drive around on electro-juice alone. Like a Prius, the Cayenne has a parallel Hybrid system in which some MENSA powered clutches allow the electric motor to turn the wheels without turning the engine as a slave and therefore wasting energy.

So while its combined economy of 34mpg is worse than the Diesel’s 38, and its 193g/km CO2 figure only 2g better, the Hybrid gets better as the traffic gets thicker; the slower you go, the more chance you have of running without using any fuel. Press the E-Power button and the car will propel you for as long as possible on electricity alone. With suitably gentle driving across a city, we covered 1.1 miles without a spark plug firing once. On one gentle journey, we even hit 38.7mpg at an average speed of 15mph. You wouldn’t get that in a diesel. Or in a Fiesta for that matter.

So the Hybrid lacks the dynamics and mechanical intuition that Porschefiles get clammy over, but has the talent, badges and technology to give City types something to boast about. In the end then, it’s not actually that different from any other Cayenne.

Organic Veal

Can you make a carrot taste meaty? Think about it – because it’s a tough and incredibly pertinent question. Would you even want to? Aren’t carrots and meat better off in harmonious, balanced diet co-existence? Or would life be easier if you could get a meat hit and vegetably goodness from one crunchy stick? It’s a tricky one. And so is the new Honda CR-Z… because it throws up the exact same quandary.

Honda call their new coupe the world’s first ‘sporty hybrid’ – a juxtaposition of words just as awkward as ‘meaty carrot’. At the £16k to £20k price level of the CR-Z, hybrids have always been about economy, economy and a little bit more economy. Very much carrot cars. So, has adding some sporty meat diluted the purity of the carrot or made it a more widely desirable dish? Is it good?

Against all odds, yes. As long as you manage your expectations. The engine, for instance is very much carrot – a 1.5 litre, 112bhp version of the Insight’s 1.3 petrol unit, which together with the Insight’s 14bhp electric motor can muster a peak of 122bhp. Which gives the CR-Z the performance of a car that isn’t fast.

But thanks to a grunty exhaust note and decent 128lb ft wedge of torque from a low 1,500rpm, it still feels meaty enough to call itself sporty – and the 9.9 sec 0-62mph time sits well with the combined 56mpg and 117g/km of CO2. Only just squeezing under the 10 second 0-62mph mental block might sound weak, but let’s get back to the CR-Z’s price again – it’s at entry level Scirocco and mid-spec Volvo C30 money. Of the three S, Sport and GT trims, Honda expect the £18k Sport to sell the best – an £18k Scirocco 1.4 TSI is just two tenths quicker to 62mph, but 10mpg worse off. The Scirocco TDI is £3k more, half a second quicker but no more economical. An £18k Volvo 2.0SE will crack 62mph in 9.4 secs but won’t even do 40mpg.

It all adds up to an enticing package for real life humans who want a rorty sound, angular metal and a decent chance of not being forced into poverty at every BP visit. Honda have clearly worked hard on giving it a proper exhaust note too.

It’s a similar menu of well-judged finesse for the chassis – a lower, stiffer and wider version of what you’ll find under the body of a Jazz supermini or Insight hybrid. The forgiving, easy nature of the Jazz is tangible, but bolstered with a keener to turn, sharper attitude. Carrot shaped Jazz with beefed up geometry. There isn’t an endless meaty bucket of grip, or an overdone attitude to firmness and roll control – just an intelligent balance between fleet footed fun and soft edged compliance.

The alertness of the Scirocco is missing, but so is the occasionally crashy ride, while it both corners and cossets better than the C30. You just can’t quite shake off the feeling that an extra 30bhp would transform it from incredibly enjoyable to proper fun. There’s always the rumoured Mugen version…

What it does better than either Scirocco or C30 is look a little bit special, inside and out. The first glimpse most people had of the CR-Z was at the Detroit Motor Show last year, where it seemed under-wheeled, awkwardly angled and slightly bulbous around the bonnet. In the flesh, on the streets, it now looks spot on. And it gets better on the inside. Some of the plastics that make up the lower half of the dash feel like they’d crack on a sunny day, but the top half and touch points all feel posh enough, with a genuinely fresh feeling to the design and layout. The decently snicky 6-speed manual (the first time such a box has been bolted onto a hybrid powertrain) deserves mention too. Meaty, but not erm… too fatty or stodgy. Hmm.

So, there’s just enough meat to the way it sounds, corners and goes to justify Honda’s apparently contradictory placement of the word ‘sporty’ next to the word ‘hybrid’. This carrot got meat. And, bizarrely, all of the hybrid electronics actually add to this sporty feel – not just in the way that the electric motor pushes you along with a hint of turbo like torque, but in the way the workings of the powertrain are presentered to the driver. There are three driving modes; Normal, Eco and Sport, all of which feature their own mini-technicolour dash show and appropriate dynamic tweaks.

In Sport mode, the throttle response is sharper, steering weightier, electric motor more keen to assist and instrument binnacle light a constant red. Hit normal and the throttle softens off, steering eases up, electric motor holds itself back and the instruments glow to reflect your driving style – green is good, blue adequate and red bad (otherwise known as fast). Eco mode softens things up so far as to be offensive and even weakens the car’s air con to keep fuel efficiency up. As well as the mood glowing lights, the CR-Z also shows five LED trees which either shed or grow leaves depending on your driving. Trying to make them all fall off as quickly as possible is clearly the best game to play, but attempting to nurture them back again does at least provide the opportunity for fun when you’re not driving like a robber.

These little gimmicks help you realise you’re not just driving a slightly underpowered coupe – you’re driving a car that lets you choose between class-beating economy and class matching performance. Instead of questioning whether you can make a carrot taste meaty, or how much the world really needs one, the CR-Z has a wide enough spread of talents to let you just accept it for what it is – a good value, fun to drive, comfortable and smartly resolved coupe. It might not look great on the menu, but Honda have made the world’s first meaty carrot. Very well done.

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The sale of Volvo to Chinese company Geely nudged towards completion, with Geely securing the £1.4bn loan it needs to pay Ford. Porsche boss Michael Macht told Autocar that they’re fully committed to producing the 718bhp, twin electric motored and V8 engined 918 Spyder, which is good. And Nissan said that producing the Juke at Sunderland will save 1,000 jobs.

Just like kids always tell outlandish lies to their mates, motorshows always feature ridiculous concept cars. As fictional as the powertrains and styling may be, they at least serve as a statement of intent, showing what technology the R&D department is spending its money on, and what direction a manufacturer’s style house is heading. Here are the best concepts of Geneva 2010.

Citroen Survolt

At Frankfurt, Citroen had the unfortunately named Revolte – a fictional car apparently designed for Penelope Pit Stop. At Geneva, they ran with the ‘girl racer’ theme and showed off the Survolt – an electric, two-door sports car which had lots of pink on it.

We asked Citroen man whether the little eye lashes were hinting at the shape of future Citroen daytime running lights, and whether the size and shape of the car (a Megane sized, Scirocco bating coupe) hinted at a future model, but he didn’t confirm or deny. Which means ‘well, yes… probably. But the boss in France has told me to keep schtum.’ Nice looking car, with a hint of Veyron on the shoulders. Because you’re worth it.

Ferrari 599 HY-KERS

Not a Ferrari designed for the strong-legged hiking community, but one built with a Formula One style KERS hybrid system. It’s just a concept at the moment, but Ferrari have been running a car with a similar system for nearly a year, so similar technology is likely to trickle down – the California will come with a stop/start system soon, for a start.

SEAT IBE

A quiet surprise from SEAT was their little electric shooting break/hatch, which is apparently running on similar gubbins to VW’s UP city car. It’s got a 75kW electric motor which can whiz it to 62mph in less than 10 seconds, because it only weighs around a tonne.

It might turn out to just be pure fiction, but with the VW Group having the UP and Bluesport electric cars, it’s not hard to imagine the next Leon, Ibiza or new SEAT coming with an electric powertrain.

Porsche 918 Spyder Plug-In Hybrid

This was the shock of the show, catching everyone by surprise when it was unveiled on Monday night. It looked stunning, with wheels, lines and vents that begged to be put into production… which might not be as far away as first appears – rumours have it that this will be the Carrera GT’s replacement.

It’s easy to sneer at the stats for being works of pure fiction, but Porsche aren’t usually ones to invent figures without serious groundwork behind them, so here’s hoping all this can be real: 500bhp V8, 218bhp electric motor, 70g.km of CO2, 94mpg and 0-62mph in 3.2 seconds. Porsche also claim it laps the Nurburgring quicker than the Carrera GT. Keep an eye out for it – they’ve kept it secret for this long after all.

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Porsche unveiled the new Cayenne which is now available with a £57k, 375bhp, 34.4mpg V6 petrol hybrid. Alfa Romeo released more pictures of the facially challenged Giullietta which we still can’t spell. And the Government announced a £230m scheme that will give people a 25% discount, up to a max of £5k, if they buy an electric, hydrogen or plug-in hybrid car.

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Pictures of the new Lexus CT 200h hybrid leaked onto the interweb, ahead of the car’s official launch at Geneva. Skoda facelifted the Fabia and Roomster. Fiat showed off the 138bhp 500C Abarth, which does 62mph in 7.9secs and goes on sale later this year. And Tata announced that their massive Aria will go on sale in the UK in 2011.

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Mercedes revealed their F800 Style Concept, which hints at the face of the next CLS and previews new plug-in hybrid technology. Kia showed off a sketch of their new Magentis which will go on sale early next year. And Audi confirmed production of the RS5, which features a tweaked version of the RS4’s V8 with 444bhp, and a DSG gearbox.

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Vauxhall previewed their Flextreme GT/E Concept – a petrol hybrid which can run for 60km on its 120kW electric motor, with a 1.4 petrol for when it goes flat. VW released the new £14,445 Polo Bluemotion which produces 91g/km of CO2 and does 80.7mpg. And more F1 testing happened, where some rain saw Kovalainen crash his Lotus and Barichello go fastest.

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Peugeot showed off their new ‘5’ concept – a 200bhp, 99g/Km Co2, 74.3mpg diesel-hybrid which previews the pleasant shape and clever tech of the upcoming 508 saloon. Subaru announced that they’ve persuaded Cosworth to breathe on their Impreza STI, making a special edition that will arrive next month. And more F1 testing happened, with Hamilton getting the boasters prize for fastest time.

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Porsche revealed the 911 GT3 R Hybrid – a racer with a 473bhp straight six powering the back wheels and two flywheel-generator powered electric motors driving the front wheels. Jaguar tweaked the XF, lowering the entry price to £29,900 and giving the Diesel S model the XF-R’s interior and optional Adaptive Dynamics system. And more F1 testing happened, with Kobayashi being fastest.

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Today, many cars were revealed. Nissan thrust their striking Yeti rivalling crossover upon us. VW showed off the new Touareg – now with a 34mpg, 375bhp hybrid that can run on just electricity. Kia bandied around their plug-in hybrid Ray concept, which hints at what a Kia Prius rival would be like. And Audi unveiled official pics of their new A1.

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The Government announced that the UK scrappage scheme will run to the end of March, not the end of February, as there’s some money left. The SMMT revealed that January 2010 car sales were 29.8% higher than January 2009 sales. Kia released another picture of their plug-in hybrid concept, the Ray. And Seat showed off the surprisingly handsome Ibiza ST.

Go to a pub, banter with your car-brained mates, have a few beers, play some darts… then tell them that buying a Honda Insight is a thoroughly excellent idea. It’d be like suggesting they eat a Falafel salad with low fat mayo instead of pork scratchings. But their scepticism is wrong… and it’s your duty to talk them round.

First, recite some trivia. It’s still the most economical hybrid ever made. They’ll no doubt laugh, so tell them it’s made from aluminium. Probably won’t care about that either. So change tactic and frame the car as a two-seat, lightweight coupe with faired in wheels which are obviously the coolest things in the world. That’ll get them really laughing – but you’ll have their attention. So keep going.

Brag about the Insight’s long range and light weight. 85mpg on a 40 litre tank means you can go over 700 miles without stopping. Girls will suddenly be interested. The men will be jealous. While the 69bhp 3-cylinder 1.0l engine might sound limp, it will crack 62mph in about 11 secs with the help of the 10kw motor. Considering the long economy biased gear ratios (over 70mph in 2nd…) that’s not bad. And at just 820kg, it should drive with some degree of flightiness too.

With interest vaguely bubbling, hook them in with the fact that a mk1 Insight can cost less than £5k. You’ll never pay any congestion charging, and if you buy one that’s registered after March 2001, you won’t pay any road tax either. Even a pre-2001 early model will only cost £65 a year. When the Insight first came to Britain in 2000, it cost £16k and in the three years it was available, only sold a couple of hundred – so it’ll make the dowdy pub folk look unique and interesting as a bonus.

Servicing costs are pretty standard for a Honda too. The oil needs changing every 7,500 miles so look for proof of that, but they’re generally very well looked after. The battery has a warranty of 8 years or 80,000 miles, which is more than likely to be expired – but problems are rare and the lifespan is generally around 150,000 miles if driven normally. In the worst-case scenario, a new battery pack will cost a couple of grand but can be refurbed for around £500. If you’re a real hardcore hybrid high miler, you’ll want the factory fit Bridgestone B391 tyres too, which are worth a few extra mpg – 120mpg has been known.

Best not to go into details about tyre choice and oil servicing in the pub though – your mates are probably a bit pissed by this point anyway. It’s the perfect time to whip out the final tool in the Insight buying arsenal – increased beer money. Just show them how much more London Pride they could afford thanks to all the tax, congestion and petrol that wouldn’t need to be paid for. Save the world, get girls, drink beer… drive an Insight. Just never use the word hypermiling at the bar.

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Jaguar announced that XJ prices will start from £53,775 for the three litre turbodiesel, and rise to £90,455 for the LWD V8 when it goes on sale in April. Kia released a picture of its Ray plug-in hybrid concept that’ll appear at the Chicago motor show in February. And Michael Schumacher wrote on his website that his neck doesn’t hurt.

5. BMW 1 Series Concept ActiveE

An electric BMW 1 Series. The Mini E is all well and good, but with batteries robbing it of back seats, it’s not going to be popular with people who’ve got more than one friend. The electric 1 Series, however, has four seats…

Because it’s rear wheel drive, the electric motor is mounted in the back axle as opposed to up front. This frees up bonnet space, which is used in conjunction with the usual fuel tank space to store batteries… instead of having to put them in place of the back seats like in the Mini E. With 170bhp and 184lb ft of torque, it’ll do 0-62mph in 9 seconds, has a 100 mile quoted range and limited top speed of 90mph. Just like the Mini, it’ll be leased out to UK customers – you’ll have to pay around £500 a month and there’s likely to be a big queue.

4. Toyota FT-CH

A Toyota Prius Coupe. It sounds like a horrendous concept, and we’re still not convinced that hybrids are the future – but if we have to have them, they may as well be interesting. Call it a sporty stop-gap. Production isn’t confirmed, but with Toyota open about wanting to extend the Prius model to a whole family of hybrids, it looks likely.

The FT-CH is a couple of feet shorter than the Prius, and Toyota claim that it would also be cheaper, lighter and sportier… if it goes into production. We’ll just have a random guess – how about a plug-in Prius Coupe by the end of 2013?

3. Honda CR-Z

Another hybrid coupe… but this one’s going on sale in the summer. It’s based on the Insight, which means that unlike the Prius or the possible FT-CH, it won’t be able to run purely on electric power at low speeds. The Insight chassis has had its wheelbase shortened and track widened to help the CR-Z handle decently, and the CR-Z is 50kg lighter than the car on which it’s based. Although, seeing as it’s a 2 seater, that’s no surprise.

The petrol engine is a 1.5 litre compared to the Insight’s 1.3, but 102bhp still doesn’t sound great – even when working alongside the electric motor, total output is just 122bhp. Performance figures haven’t been released yet, but it emits 117g/km of CO2 and should do 56.4mpg. We’ve ranked it higher than the FT-CH because it’s the first to arrive, but we’ll put a pound on the Toyota being the smarter car…

2. Audi e-tron

An electric TT. The e-tron was originally shown at the Frankfurt show last year – generally seen as an electric vision of the R8 supercar. This second version has shrunk to become smaller than a TT – which has helped the weight drop by a quarter of a tonne, to 1390kg. It’s also now rear wheel drive, instead of four wheel drive.

The battery and motor layout is very similar with two motors and a wedge of batteries sitting between the driver and the back wheels. Power is 200bhp and torque a ball-rupturing 1954lb ft: 0-62mph happens in 5.9 seconds and there’s a theoretical range of 150 miles. A much, much more realistic prospect than the original… and nearly 2000lb ft of torque through the back wheels? Make it please.

1. Ford Focus

An essential car for Ford, the UK and the globe. This mk3 Ford Focus will go on sale across the whole world – so it needs to be ruddy amazing. While local tweaks will be made to suit each market, Ford are hoping that global tastes have converged to such an extent that one car fits all: it’s going on sale in 122 countries, with 80% of the car common to all of them.

The new Focus hits the UK in early 2011 – the same time as America and the rest of Europe. We’ll get a new 1.6 turbo charged engine, improved Duratorq diesels, an interior with a focus on quality and a chassis gently tweaked to suit our picky ways. In time, the Focus chassis will spawn saloons, estates, MPVs and crossovers – Ford expect to shift 2 million units a year by 2012. A plague of Focus… it’s biblically important.

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GM announced the winding down of Saab will occur over the next few months, although they’re still negotiating with potential buyers. Peugeot’s newfound unshitness continued as it showed pictures of its 3-seat SR1 hybrid roadster concept, which in theory would have 240bhp but emit only 109g/km of CO2. And Indian designer Dilip Chhabria’s £136k Tata Nano made the world snigger.

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Everyone’s favourite ridiculous car company Rinspeed released pictures of their electric  ‘UC?’ concept, which has a 75 mile range. American owned Kepler Motors showed off their 789bhp hybrid supercar which they claim will do 60mph in 2.5 secs. And Saab are showing signs of resurrection, with Spyker conjuring a new deal which GM have until Monday to consider and accept.

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It was discovered that Land Rover are planning a Range Rover Sport hybrid capable of emitting less than 100g/km of CO2, to go on sale in 2012. Jaguar came top of the US JD Power customer satisfaction survey, with Cadillac second. And Chancellor Alistair Darling announced that electric cars will be exempt from company car tax, in his pre-budget report.

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The LA Auto Show opened. VW showed their Up! Lite concept, a four seat, 96mpg, 800cc diesel hybrid. Honda displayed the P-NUT concept – a 1+2 seater for city types. Porsche announced they’ll make a hybrid Panamera in 2011. Chevrolet’s electric Volt will be on sale in California in 2011. Elsewhere, GM President Fritz Henderson stepped down at the company’s request.