Ask SEAT the time and they’ll have just one infectiously harmonised answer – it’s Eco time! And that’s because they’ve fitted their Altea XL family car with a new super-green 1.6 TDI engine, a stop/start system, energy recuperation technology and called it the Ecomotive! Go eco go eco go!

With a combined fuel economy figure of 62.8mpg, this is the most economical Altea XL ever! And with CO2 emissions of only 119g/km it’s also the least polluting! But does downsizing the engine mean you’ll always arrive late? Is Eco time always five minutes later than planned?

No! While the little 1.6 TDI engine can only punch out 104bhp and a 0-62mph eco-time of 11.5 seconds, it doesn’t feel crippled by greenness! You will need a careful eye on the revs during motorway hills, but as long as you’re not over-eager, the little diesel’s 184lb ft thrump of torque keeps eco-time on time!

And of course, shrinking the engine hasn’t shrunk the interior! Space and eco-time – it’s like a physicists fantasy! A 532 litre boot! Plenty of leg room! Cubby holes in the roof! A hidden boot floor! Hide and seek would take a long time in here! But, what about the Peugeot 3008? We’re glad you asked!

The cunning Puglet is our favourite family car and is the Altea XL’s feircest rival!  So, is eco-time up for the greeny SEAT? Yes and no! Costing between £16k and £19k, the Spaniard is similarly equipped, more economical and a little quicker than a same price Frenchie – but it’s not as clever inside! The Peugeot has chrome flourishes, even more trinket pockets, bigger cubbies and a more flexible boot! The Altea doesn’t have a good time when you compare its insides to the best!

But, as Chico himself said, you can get delirious if you take life too serious! So let’s put the practicalities and frugalities aside! It’s where the SEAT surprises! The small engine makes the front feel light, the steering is accurate, grip is high, body roll is kept in check – and all without making the ride grate and irritate like a perma-tanned pop song! Good times!

So while the interior packaging might not be the best in these competitive times, the green-skills and driving fun make eco-time something to look forward to!

As I’m sure Michael Douglas will agree, Catherine Zeta-Jones is a funny bugger. Slinky, toned and reasonably proportioned yes, but also prone to the odd mood swing. Pretty, but clearly high maintenance. So it’s fitting that Alfa chose her to play the lead role in one of their most famous commercials.

To celebrate the firm’s 100th birthday, which is today, here’s a little Alfa nostalgia featuring Mrs Douglas herself. The reason for her pouty display actually has nothing to do with there not being enough room for her to get in – it’s just that the central locking had packed in. And she forgot to recite some typically Alfa-esque trivia as she climbed through the car – the boot of her 156 ‘Sportwagon’ estate is smaller than the 156 saloon’s.

So Happy Birthday Alfa. This ad sums you up perfectly – beautiful, moody, not that practical… and occasionally broken.

Let’s get the obvious out of the way with first. Skoda haven’t made a rubbish car for a decade, and the Superb name is neither new or inaccurate, so don’t scoff at that either. Alright? Good. Now we can get on.

Based on last year’s all new saloon, this is the first ever Superb Estate – and it’s proper, genuinely, 100% totally bloody amazing. Not in a ‘oh yeah… that Skoda’s really brilliant… I mean, ha, fancy Skoda making a good car’ way. Not in a ‘I suppose it’s an impressive achievement considering its price’ way either. But in a ‘Shit. Really. Where an earth did that come from? Wow’ way. If you want an analogy, this is their iPhone – a product that does absolutely everything, redefining the brand all over again.

Seeing as sycophantic reviews always sound rubbish, we’ll stay factual, measured and objective… and being as it’s an estate, we’ll start with the boot. The Superb’s rear measures 633 litres with the seats up and 1865 litres with the seats down – massive. But unless you frequently carry around fresh air or litre bottles of water, that’s all meaningless. So have some reference points:

Volvo’s biggest current estate is the V70 – with the seats up it’s got a 575 litre boot, rising to 1600 when they’re down. So the Superb Estate has a bigger boot than the biggest Volvo. Fact. That also makes it bigger than an A6 Avant, new BMW 5 Touring, Ford Mondeo Estate, Vauxhall Insignia Sports Tourer and VW Passat Estate. In fact, the only estate on sale today with a bigger boot is the new Mercedes E-Class.

So we’ll use the big-E as a reference point for price, interior quality and equipment – a Mercedes is a tough benchmark for a Skoda to match after all. The cheapest Superb Estate is the 1.4 TSI at £18k, rising to the most expensive £30k 3.6 V6. The very cheapest E-Class Estate is also £30k, in the shape of the E200 CGI 4-cyl petrol. A handy comparison.

The interior of the Skoda is better to look at, nicer to touch and more intuitive to use than the Merc’s. Less tacky, better damped, more ergonomic. There’s more kit in it too, including the best touch screen entertainment system of any car on sale anywhere, standard fit sat nav and the flawless DSG gearbox from VW. If you want sat nav and auto in the Merc, you’ll need to spend another £2,500.

But you still won’t have the Skoda’s performance – the V6 has 260bhp and cracks 62mph in just 6.6 seconds. Through the gears, using the massive 258lb ft hunk of torque that’s spread right across the middle of the rev range, you’ll outrun most hot hatches that bother to try. The £30k Merc is 80bhp and 60lb ft down as well as two seconds slower to 62mph… a Merc with similar performance and similar kit costs over £40k. Crikey.

Of course though, you’d be a little mad to buy a brand new V6 car with an mpg figure in the 20s when petrol costs £1.20 a litre. As quick as it might be, it’s not worth the pleasure. What you should really get is the sensible 140bhp diesel which, even when you’ve added the DSG box, costs less than £25k in top-spec Elegance trim.

With the double clutch set-up, the diesel Superb is just as smooth as the V6, barely noisier, cracks 60mph in 10 secs and is still effortlessly torquey – but it’s quoted at 51.4mpg combined. The most economical, cheapest Merc estate diesel is over £6,000 more expensive, 5mpg worse off and only 1 second quicker to 62mph. Its auto box isn’t as smooth as the Skoda’s automated manual either.

Bored of the praise yet? Sorry. It’s nearly over. We’re labouring the point just to make sure you don’t under-estimate quite how brilliant the Skoda is. The E-Class Estate hasn’t been used because it’s an easy benchmark to beat and prove a point – it’s been used because it’s currently the best premium estate on sale, and because it therefore gets the closest to matching the Skoda’s ginormous spread of talent.

So, bad points then. Erm… literally? No. Space, refinement, speed, price, economy, ergonomics, equipment, quality and even styling are all beyond criticism. This is a real second coming for Skoda. After the revelation at the beginning of the last decade that they can make cars as good as anyone else, they’ve now gone and shown that they can actually make cars better than anyone else.

If you can think of another estate that can do everything the Superb does, please let us know. If not, then let’s all form a loyal band of disciples and worship the new Messiah of Estates. If Apple geeks can call the iPhone the Jesus phone, can’t us car geeks call the Superb Estate the Jesus car? You don’t get a brolly in the door of an iPhone anyway.

For the first 120 miles of our time in Volvo’s economy leaning V50 1.6D DRIVe, we were slumped back in the passenger seat with our eyes tightly shut. It was daft o’clock in the morning, the birds’ paperboys hadn’t even been yet and because we were heading to Geneva, we still had 622 miles to go.  At that point in time, it was the best car in the world. Because we could sleep in it.

Compared to a normal V50 diesel, the DRIVe’s got longer 3^rd, 4^th and 5^th gears, slippier gearbox oil, carrot slicer alloys, low resistance tyres, a blanked off upper grill and a few other aero tweaks that let it slide through the air like a vet’s arm through cattle. It’s all designed to make the V50 as aerodynamically and mechanically slippy as possible. It also makes it incredibly quiet.

Starting in Birmingham, England blurred by without a fanfare. Into Eurotunnel, out of Eurotunnel, into petrol station, into toilet, out of toilet, out of petrol station, into driver’s seat. Time to drive. The trick to making economy derivatives of normal cars is to make the driver feel as if they’re making a few dynamic sacrifices for the planet, without making them feel like a martyr. They should feel different from normal models, but they shouldn’t feel broken. One overly long gear ratio and the car’s undriveable – which doesn’t help anyone.

With 3 humans and some luggage on board, the Volvo’s 108bhp and 177lb ft of torque is deployed with great expectations… and it does a passable job of not making the car feel broken. Pulling out into angry French traffic with a full tank and reset trip isn’t a lesson in slip road melting pace, but it’s safe, quiet and untroubling. If we’d have ditched the cargo, 0-62mph could been achieved in 11.5 seconds – a figure that the word ‘adequate’ seems designed for.

Once coaxed up to French overtaking speeds, the V50 starts showing a wider variety of traits – which for the first 100 miles, are entirely positive. At any speed you choose right up to the 118mph max, it feels unruffled, relaxed and refined. Smooth ride, good stereo, smart interior, great seats. It’s only when you ask it to more than cruise that the V50 trips up.

Motorway bends show the steering to be light and vague around the dead ahead position, just when you expect some weight and precision. And then comes a toll. Gas off, brakes on and… eugh – a brake pedal with a long travel and precious little feel. It’s like treading on a loaf of Hovis. None of this is the DRIVe’s fault though, as the standard car has a wooliness about it already. The economy twiddling hasn’t made it any worse.

As the V50 nudges onto its 400^th mile of relentless French motorway, at least 50% of which has been with the toe firmly in, there’s still over a quarter of a tank left and the mind turns to economy. This £20,545 stop/start version of the DRIVe has got a combined mpg to make a camel look like Oliver Reid – 72.4mpg. Even the more realistic urban figure of 57.7mpg is impressive.

Understandably, with three on board, a stiff right ankle and a boot of luggage that’s impossible to achieve; this is the real world, not an EU econo-testing lab. As we tickle the boundary of Switzerland, the range display falls to 50 miles and we peel off to fill up. 487 on the trip meter and 50 miles still in the car,  all with a 52 litre tank. A quick iPhone calculator job by our passenger makes that’s about 47mpg – quite a real world achievement.

So, all the way through France without stopping. All the way through a whole tank of diesel without stopping. And all in refined comfort, without feeling like environmental martyrs. It might be a little numb, a bit woolly in the core – but the V50 is one of the most discreet, efficient ways of doffing a cap towards green motoring there is. And with that sorted out, we swap drivers and go back to sleep with a clear conscience.

Digesting the news… then spewing it out in 60 words

Mercedes announced pricing and details for their massive E-Class estate – prices from £29,785, a boot of 1,950 litres, up to 49.6mpg and AdBlue on the E350 BlueTec diesel. Red Bull released a snazzy video of Sebastian Buemi driving on ice in Canada, to celebrate F1’s return to the country. And there were some rumours of Citroen making a DS3 hot hatch.

Digesting the news… then spewing it out in 60 words

Mazda released details of the new Mazda5 seven seat MPV – officially unveiled at Geneva, on sale in the UK this autumn and bearer of a funny swoop. Skoda announced a 1.4% rise in sales in 2009, and showed off piccies of the belting Superb Estate 4×4. And the head of Fiat said Lancia and Chrysler will merge together by the end of the year.

Courteous Boxer

Precise Translation

Today in 60 words… it’s all you need to read.

Toyota spewed out even more pictures of its FT-86 Subaru mash-up, just to make sure we’re sick of it before its even unveiled in Tokyo next week. The Skoda Superb Estate galvanised its reputation as ‘most liked car ever’ by the British motoring press. And Renault showed us the billionth hot hatch of the month – the melty-faced £22k Megane 250.

If you don’t want to buy an old Audi A4 Avant because you don’t want people to think you can’t afford a new Audi A4 Avant, then Seat have whittled a wagon that shares your illogicalness! It’s an old Audi A4 Avant that’s brand new! Meet the Seat Exeo ST – a chunky flamenco abacus-buster! Audi do that then?

Like a slurpy bucket of poisoned paella, the Audi from Aldi is glued together with misfits! But instead of fish guts and poison plonk, the ingredients smell like German VAG! Freshly dropped into this seafood cauldron are the innards of an old A4 cabrio, the skeleton of a nearly new A4 Avant and the lungs of the VAG fish!

If you think all the aging VAG makes it feel old then you’re not that wrong! The Exeo ST dances the rumba with wooden legs! Darting round towns with pointy toes offers all the relaxation of a pilled up Balearic cheek chewer! Leave urbanity and the Spaniard’s more sultry voice can be heard above the diesel’s castanets – but only on motorways do the wooden legs turn into snake hips!

And talking of legs, there’s no room for a big pair in the back! While pint sized continental shouting bastards might be able to sit behind a standard human, a normal six-foot person will need flat pack limbs to fit! And the boot of this old new Audi A4 Avant is 50 litres smaller than the boot of a new new Audi A4 Avant!

It might have the room and zoom of a Spanish static caravan, but at least the interior isn’t made of straw donkeys! Slap rape tape on the S-shaped badges and it will trick you into being Bavarian! It’s got more sophisticated nobs than Eaton! Four rings here!

So, how much to pay for old technology dressed up new? The plainest of Spain requires a fiscal unloading of £19k to dance with – that’s only £2k more cheap than the most cheap of Audi Audis! If you’re thinking about teasing your purse out for that, then you’re too easy! Put your purse away or it will get chafed!

Seat must have been distracted by nylon strung guitars and ladies with loose bras! Think about this now please! You can buy an Audi badged Audi with the Exeo’s metal gubbins for £7K! The Seat is a £2k saving on a new car, but in realness it’s a £12k overspend on an identical used one! And the old Audi wagon won’t drop pounds like Fern Britton!

Let’s get back to the quandary! If you don’t want to buy an old Audi A4 Avant because you don’t want people to think you can’t afford a new Audi A4 Avant, then the Seat is not the answer! You’ll look like you shop in Lidl even though you’ve paid a near-Waitrose price! The answer is simple! Buy an old Audi and spend the change on a private plate to mask your shame!

If you thought the Hyundai i30 hatchback was loaded with comfy Korean competence, then you’re in for a fat load of shock – it’s now got more loadspace for even more spacey competency! Enter the i30 Estate! Auto Exclamation dumps its load and gives you the load-down!

While the recent crop of Korean Hyundai puppies are loaded with sense and good-will, you still only buy them if you’re short of cashloads! Luckily, the Hyundai till doesn’t ask much for an i30 Estate – it’s a load off your financial mind! The cheapest i30 Estate can be coaxed out of the Hyundai man’s hands for just £13,120 – £2,000 cheaper than the least loaded Ford Focus Estate!

Because of its inexpensiveness, Auto Exclamation would wackily recommend blowing your load on the priciest 1.6CRDi Premium model… top spec loady madness! In the big bucks super model, you get alloyed wahoos, a diesel to cruise and heated seats that made moos! When you’re only asked to unload £16,345 it’s not hard to feel like Mr Lucky to Choose! Think of a Focus with similar loading and the nearly £20k ticket will feel like necks in a noose!

If you think that steering the dog-munching cheapie would make sad-times, you’re a Jim Davidson faced racist! While the i30 Estate can’t load you up with funability like a blue oval hearse, it makes you think in different tongues! You go in expecting rubbery, woolly, inaccurate blandness… but then come out with well weighted, comfy riding, posh-toff plushness! Trueness will say that dampings and cornerings miss the last load of cheekability – but it’s for loads of kit, not loads of laughs! Happy times carrying sappy pines!

113 horses unload themselves gaily from the 1.6 litre stable – that might look pony on paper, but on tarmac you never want the horses to suck ‘roids! Torquing comes through loud and clear with 173lb being loads enough to pull you, without making you need to shout loads to hear! And, we all know that the fewer the horses, the more civilised the drinking… 57.6mpg is quoted for a day of combined horsing!

But, what about the rear end loading? Well, you’ve got nothing to be embarrassed about but nothing to shout about! Filling the i30 estate with water would involve wasting 415 litres – that’s only 67 less than a same-rear Focus, but a big loady loader 119 less than the Korean faced samer Kia Cee’d SW! If carrying loose water is your job, get the sister Kia!

And it’s the Korean faced samer that’s the stickiest load of shite to the Hyundai’s face – it just can’t get the bitch off! The Hyundai may feel like a nicer load to lug around, with a better box of gear and touchy feel of steer – but if you’re not buying a Focus, you just want peace of mind and loads of space!

The Hyundai may have a tastier load of talent than its Kia sister, but it’s lacking in the final load of warranty – the i30 Estate has 5 years of mind peace, while the Kia bumps it over with a lucky 7! The Hyundai i30 is a plusher wagon to drive, but the Cee’d SW will carry more loose water and be free to fix for longer! If the head has to rule the heart, we’d get the grammatical nonsense over the thirty eyed monster!