A few months ago, the Paris Motorshow sounded like it was going to be feeble. An Audi A7 (pictured), a BMW X3, a front wheel drive Freelander and a fictional KIA that sounded like a fizzy drink. Dull, tedious, anodyne. Then news broke that Chevrolet were planning to exhibit a five door Cruze. Bloody hell. Watching a nun play solitaire in the dark sounded more exciting.

But then… KERPOW!! Some exciting things were announced. Paris 2010 is going to be a belter. So here are five good reasons to face the French capital’s traffic between the 2nd and 17th of October. Five door Cruze not included.

A Mystery Lamborghini

The Murcielago is dead. Long live whatever Lambo give us at Paris. It’s likely to be called the Jota, will no doubt come with a hulking great V12 engine that’s more powerful than the Merci’s but 20% MORE ECONOMICAL…and, according to internet fiction-mongers, it might even have scissor doors. Leading up to the show, Lamborghini are going to release six teaser pictures of the car, of which this is the first…

Lotus Going Mental

UK Lotus PR bossman, who we’ll call Flo-Rida, has got himself into such a tizz about the countless new Lotus products that he’s forgotten to actually tell anyone what they are… so we’ll mainly have to guess. The only thing we know for sure is that Flo-Rida is taking a 1970s Esprit to the show, so we can safely expect Lotus to reveal the long awaited 21st Century Esprit – complete wth mid mounted, turbocharged V8 engine.

We also know that the Evora has been given a supercharger, hiking power to around 400bhp (that’s no real secret. Might have seen one driving around Millbrook…). They’ll also show off an Evora with an auto-box, made especially for Americans that suffer from muscle wastage in their fat left leg.

On top of that, there’s likely to be a 21^st Century re-imagination of the iconic Lotus Seven sports car, as well as two brand new cars with hybrid powertrains – one a GT, the other closer to the Lotus philosophy of performance through lightweight, but possibly front wheel drive. Details are thin on the ground (and possibly non-existent), but with two new Evoras, an Esprit, a new Seven and two hybrids, expect Lotus to be the centre of attention.

Some French Cars

Being as the show’s in Paris, Citroen, Peugeot and Renault want to get lots of attention. Citroen and Renault might actually get some. New cars with a double chevron badge will include the handsome DS4 (pictured), the ‘well proportioned’ new C4 as well as their nutty electric concept cars the RevoltE and Survolte.

Renault will be distracting people away from the tedium of a facelifted Laguna with their swoopy work of fiction, the DeZir. As a funky platform for new designer Laurens van den Acker to show off his craft, the DeZir suggests that the next generation of Renaults will ditch daintiness in favour of more muscular lines and…blah. Just use your eyes. Your imagination is as good as anyone else’s.

Finally, Peugeot will have the new 508 saloon, which replaces the 407 and 607. Good for them

Ugly Mercedes CLS

When designing the brand new CLS, Mercedes must have frequently asked ‘how on earth do we replace the world’s first four door coupe?’. No matter what they did, the new car would no longer be a world first and therefore lack impact and seem unimaginative.

After countless board meetings where design executives aggressively debated how to follow up such a handsome, groundbreaking car they settled on a tag for the brand new CLS. One they felt would get as much coverage as the original. One with talkability. Impact. They produced The World’s Ugliest Four Door Coupe. You can’t miss seeing this in the flesh.

Jaguar Coupe and Estate

Now that the bread and butter of the XF and the XJ are out and about, Jag can get a jiggle on with expanding their range. At Paris, they’re likely to show off a new XF based coupe and roadster, possibly called the C-Type or XC, as well as an XF estate. It’s unlikely that any new engines will be released, but a small XF based coupe with an angry face and XF-R engine is a lip smacking prospect. Also, let’s not forget that estates are cooler than saloons – so an XF Wagon will be ice cold. Especially with that new 3.0 turbodiesel engine.

So, there you have it. Go to the Paris motorshow… loads of fast, stylish cars and hardly a whiff of a hybrid. Makes a change.

Cliff Bloody Richard. No matter how much abuse critics give him for the drivelly nonsense that oozes from his anodyne musical pores, and no matter how much he looks like a creepy PE teacher, he just won’t stop. It’s the same with coupe convertibles – the fact that critics pan them for having useless boots, floppy dynamics and cramped back seats doesn’t seem to matter… they just keep coming.

So there’s no point in us noting that the new Renault Megane CC has the exact same faults as every other coupe cabriolet in existence – because folk who write about cars clearly know nothing about what makes normal humans like them. To really tell you whether or not the Renault Megane CC is worth buying, we need to find out what makes people ignore the faults of such flawed products and love them anyway. Should be easy. Cliff Richard has been flawed but loved for decades… we’ll just use his qualities as a framework. The Cliff Criteria.

Much of Cliff’s adoration comes from his ability to remind people of their youth, thus making them feel young again. Here, the Megane CC is exceptional. For a start, it feels incredibly large to sit in – this makes the driver think they’re smaller and therefore much younger. Also, because of the Megane’s excellent wind proofing and refinement with the roof both up and down, it also makes the driver feel protected, cocooned and cared for. Like a loved child.

It doesn’t stop there. Thanks to a glass roof and a button that drops all four windows at once, occupants always have the option of bright sunshine and fresh air… much like the option many children had of running round a playground or field or playing hopscotch or catch or something. A hayfever induced snotty nose is also a very real possibility.

Another key element in Cliff’s success is his keenness to embellish his imperfect face with a raft of cosmetic modifications. Again, the Megane CC follows Cliff’s lead. Despite having to hide the sins of a folding roof, the rear of the new Megane CC is styled reasonably cleanly. Just like with Cliff’s face, closer inspection reveals some inconsistencies in the way its lines flow from one end to the other, but the overall effect is pleasant enough.

Cliff is also keen to maintain an aura of athleticism, without ever actually having to exert himself – for example, while he is a fan of tennis, he is definitely not a tennis player. This is perhaps where the Megane follows his lead the closest. With the roof up, the Renault Megane CC is lithe, direct and energetic with a decent impression of agility.

But just like Cliff, this impression of athleticism doesn’t translate to any genuine sporting ability – the Megane’s default gait is one suited to a relaxed, meandering stroll. It’s also worth noting that when it goes topless, it has a tendency to shudder – much like Cliff would if he were to go topless on a cold day.

That awkward image brings us on to the difficult subject of mental aptitude. Despite his progressing years, Cliff has maintained a presence of mind that serves him well during public appearances… but his judgement isn’t perfect. Remember Millenium Prayer? That was NOT the result of an entirely rational mind. Again, the Megane CC treads in Cliff’s footsteps.

The complex 21 second routine that sees the roof fold itself away is completed with great mental agility – the Renault never, for example, forgets where it put the roof only to remember it’s actually sitting in the boot. But, just like Cliff did with the Millenium Prayer, the Megane CC does have some lapses in judgement. Despite being based on excellent Tom Tom software, the sat nav has little logic or sense to its operation, and the stereo is dim witted, slow to respond, always frustrating and often plain confusing.

Now to the final Cliff category, his premium price tag – people like to think they’re buying into something special. Tickets for his next concert (Royal Albert Hall on Monday 11th October Cliff fans), start off at the substantial price of £45. For comparison, Cliff’s more fashionable and critically acclaimed contemporary Tom Jones has tickets costing as little as £35.

For the Renault to follow Cliff’s lead it also needs to be more expensive than a more fashionable and critically acclaimed contemporary – which in this case is the VW Eos. And somewhat surprisingly, it is. The Renault Megane CC’s entry level price £21,595, which is actually £900 more than that of the VW Eos. The rest of the Renault’s range is more evenly matched to the VW’s – but for those looking for the cheapest possible way of buying such a car, the VW is the best option. Cliff would be proud of such confident pricing.

All of these similarities to Cliff means that despite the problems the Megane CC shares with all of its rivals, it will be a success. It makes you feel young, has had reasonable cosmetic modifications, feels pleasantly athletic without making you sweat, is intelligently designed but not always perfectly judged and comes with a premium price tag. But there’s one key difference. When it’s raining in Wimbledon, the Megane CC won’t be able to entertain the crowd with some music. Because, out of pure frustration, its driver will have smashed the stereo apart with a mallet.

Handling handling handling. Think of any great Peugeot, and an ability to dance on tippy toes will be what defines it. Brittle interiors, moody electrics and Rizla-thin panels are all forgiven if the Pug can cock a wheel and shimmy a tail. All memorable Peugeots handle better than they look.

Which puts a massive weight of pressure on the brand new RC Z – because it looks amazing. The double bubble roof, an Olympic swimmer’s shoulders and the peachy rear of a keen female jockey manage to distract the eye from the genetically flawed Lesley Ash gob. And that’s not the only pressure. Seeing as the top spec RC Z (the only one you need care about) is a 200bhp turbocharged coupe costing about £25k, it’s heading for a flouncy cuffed fist fight with the VW Scirocco and Audi TT. So, that handling we were on about…

70mph, spread eagled over both lanes of a Spanish A-Road with a clean line of sight for at least half a mile… 10 corners of handling indulgence. Gingerly into the first left-hander, not braking but lifting, touching the apex and easing away. Already there’s a sense of weight, an impression of width to the RC Z that builds your trust. Accelerate back to a right that’s a mirror of the first left. Don’t lift this time. Steering develops more weight… a few nudges as it kicks back over ridges. Hydraulically assisted, consistent and linear – not overly chatty but the tyres aren’t loaded up yet. There’s still time for it to shine.

Approaching a downhill corkscrew. Taking the first right-hander on the brakes to shed speed before the tighter left that follows. Car’s led by the front, with understeer at the limit – but the back will shimmy under braking. Not what you’d call oversteer, not something you’d deliberately provoke but satisfying to feel all four tyres doing some work, even if the rears seem like passengers.

Right, left, right all dispatched in 2nd, barping off the limiter with the final corner left behind. Not overly sharp or too quick and fidgety – just agile but easy, accurate but flattering. Three corners to go. Sounds awesome. Crunch time.

Massively egged on by the meaty noise now. 3rd gear into a right hooker that’s sensibly 4th, just for the rort. Outside wheels loaded up as the RC Z leans on its springs, front tyres starting to have their sidewalls nibbled away as they succumb to understeer… but it won’t be thrown off line. Hanging on, riding the humps, keeping its feet on the ground, lift as the bend straightens out for the left that follows. Turn in, carrying too much speed, ABS rattles the front wheels on a damp patch and tightens their line – good steering feel now, rubbery, grippy, connected. Blast out of the bend, still in third, into 4th for the final sweeper… car banks in, sits on its springs, holds its line and is away. Still holding onto each gear to make the most of the noise, only easing off to spare being hexed by the approaching villagers.

That was fun – not electrifying, but fun. The RC Z is no dynamic scalpel, no overly focussed track addict. But it’s balanced, fluid, softer than you’d expect and satisfyingly physical to chuck about. Perhaps not as tight, tactile or adjustable as a Scirocco, but definitely more fun than an Audi TT. Easily the best handling Peugeot since the 106 GTI disappeared in 2002.

But, somehow, it’s not the way it corners that defines the Peugeot. There’s more to it than that.

The ride is better than a Scirocco or TT – still firm, but not crashy. The interior, while very clearly related to the 308, feels special. You’ll need a GT spec car to get the leather-trimmed seats and dash but it makes it feel a cut above. Also, despite the roofline, the RC Z has also got a decent boot – long and flat as opposed to short and upright like a Scirocco’s. The back seats are as useless as you’d expect, but if you need better you should be buying a 3008 anyway. And while the 200bhp version’s 0-62mph of 7.5 seconds might not sounds amazing, it never feels underpowered and should do nearly 40mpg. Go for the 156bhp version of the same engine or the 163bhp 2.0HDI diesel and you can bump that up to 40.9 or 52.3mpg. It’s all incredibly convincing.

Compromise is usually a dirty word. It makes cars comfortable instead of fun, frugal instead of fast, practical instead of stylish – but the compromises in the Peugeot RC Z are actually what make it so easy to like. A Scirocco might be a better handler, but it’s not as pretty, satisfying, economical or enjoyable. Instead of sacrificing any aspect for another, Peugeot have given the RC Z a perfect blend of them all. It’s a Peugeot that’s memorable not just for handling, but for everything else as well.

You’ve no doubt heard about the precocious urban kids of N-Dubz using a Renault Megane Coupe Concept in their latest video. But have you seen the video? Possibly, yes… but not definitely. Have a look here – probably best to skip to 1:20 to avoid a nasty blood/ear situation.

Apparently, if you play it backwards, you can hear Dippy and Freddy spitting shit about Renault’s new, more fluid design direction.

Come on Renault, your RenaultSport cars are better than they’ve ever been – there’s no need to look desperate. Still, at least this one didn’t have OMG and LOL as standard. FFS.

Digesting the news… then spewing it out in 60 words

The first car in Saab’s Spyker era trundled out of the factory in Trollhättan – it was a 9-5 being built for testing. Audi announced their twinkly A1 will cost from £13,145 when it goes on sale in October. And Renault proudly announced that their Megane Coupe Concept features in the latest N-Dubz video, featuring everyone’s favourite hat-wearing textual abuser, Dappy.

Digesting the news… then spewing it out in 60 words

Lexus facelifted the IS, adding an F-Sport model with IS-F cosmetics, dropping the CO2 and fuel consumption and improving the sat-nav and stereo. The average CO2 emissions of cars sold in Britain dropped to 149.5g/km. Brabus shoved a 789bhp, twin turbo V12 into the E-Class coupe. And Skoda announced their tweaked Fabia and Roomsters will cost from £9,330 and £11,260.

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Mercedes revealed their F800 Style Concept, which hints at the face of the next CLS and previews new plug-in hybrid technology. Kia showed off a sketch of their new Magentis which will go on sale early next year. And Audi confirmed production of the RS5, which features a tweaked version of the RS4’s V8 with 444bhp, and a DSG gearbox.

Digesting the news… then spewing it out in 60 words

Renault gave fans of fart jokes a late Christmas present, showing off their new Twingo based Wind convertible – it’ll go on sale this June, costing about £16k. Spyker-Saab announced they’ll release a new 9-3 model in 2012, and the 9-4X next year. And Felipe Massa’s head proved itself to be fixed, as he was quickest in today’s F1 testing.

Having something missing from your nose ruins your reputation. Just ask Daniella Westbrook. The BMW Z3 suffered too. Like that woman from Eastenders, it will always be known for having a bigger gap in its hooter than it should have done – too many of them were fitted with diddy 4 cylinder engines that left the swooping, lusty looking nose completely empty. Even now, the Z3 raises more of a smirk than a smile. But there’s one model that never suffered Westbrook-nosehole-itis – the Z3 M Coupe. Its nose equipment was perfect…

Behind the kidney grill nostrils is a 321bhp straight six borrowed from the E36 M3, giving 0-62mph in a twitch over 5 seconds. Yes, you could get the same engine in a Z3 M Roadster, but with its Westbrook reputation you just wouldn’t. The M Coupe version’s roof also gave it a more rigid structure and tighter drive than the roadster; let’s not forget that the rear suspension can be traced back to the E30 from the 1980s. Sophisticated? No. Ball rupturingly brutal? Yes.

And now they’ve basically stopped depreciating. From as little as £8k, you can pick up a reasonable example of one of the early 98/99 cars with around 50k on the clock. And you’d be a happy person if you did just that. But just a little knowledge goes a long way. And we have just a little knowledge…

First up, the Z3 M Coupe had a facelift in Spring 2001, where it gained 4bhp, standard traction control, better brakes and a tyre pressure monitor. By the books, the extra 4bhp also knocked a whole tenth of a second from the 0-62mph time, bringing it down to 5.1 secs. Clearly worth getting a facelift model if you can afford it then… bank on about £12,000. They stopped building them in 2002 – the last models are the priciest, heading up towards £20k for specced up minty treats.

There are a few little niggles to look out for too. An over-enthusiastic yump down a particularly bumpy road can make the car bottom out, with the fuel tank being the first to take a hit – have a look underneath the boot and check there isn’t any damage.

Also, just like a lot of BMWs, the Z3 M Coupe can munch through front suspension components like bushes and ball joints – check the steering feels as tight as it should and there aren’t any devious clonks. A receipt for front suspension work would be a nice find, and a full service history an essential one. The interior isn’t as smartly crafted as current BMWs, so keep an ear out for squeaks and rattles that might drive you slowly insane.

You could buy a more practical E36 M3 for less money and similar speed, but don’t. You’ll look like you’ve nicked it. Or you could get a Z3 M Roadster and drop the roof when its sunny, but don’t. You’ll look like Daniella Westbrook. Get a Z3 M Coupe, lark about for a year, then sell it for the same price you bought it. It’s brilliant and you nose it.

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Toyota revealed a new version of the FT-86 ‘Toyobaru’ concept – a coupe its building in conjunction with Subaru, fitted with a boxer engine. BMW updated the looks and engines of the 3 Series convertible and coupe, to now be in line with the saloon. And Michael Schumacher received loads of praise for driving a GP2 car at a reasonable pace.

5. BMW 1 Series Concept ActiveE

An electric BMW 1 Series. The Mini E is all well and good, but with batteries robbing it of back seats, it’s not going to be popular with people who’ve got more than one friend. The electric 1 Series, however, has four seats…

Because it’s rear wheel drive, the electric motor is mounted in the back axle as opposed to up front. This frees up bonnet space, which is used in conjunction with the usual fuel tank space to store batteries… instead of having to put them in place of the back seats like in the Mini E. With 170bhp and 184lb ft of torque, it’ll do 0-62mph in 9 seconds, has a 100 mile quoted range and limited top speed of 90mph. Just like the Mini, it’ll be leased out to UK customers – you’ll have to pay around £500 a month and there’s likely to be a big queue.

4. Toyota FT-CH

A Toyota Prius Coupe. It sounds like a horrendous concept, and we’re still not convinced that hybrids are the future – but if we have to have them, they may as well be interesting. Call it a sporty stop-gap. Production isn’t confirmed, but with Toyota open about wanting to extend the Prius model to a whole family of hybrids, it looks likely.

The FT-CH is a couple of feet shorter than the Prius, and Toyota claim that it would also be cheaper, lighter and sportier… if it goes into production. We’ll just have a random guess – how about a plug-in Prius Coupe by the end of 2013?

3. Honda CR-Z

Another hybrid coupe… but this one’s going on sale in the summer. It’s based on the Insight, which means that unlike the Prius or the possible FT-CH, it won’t be able to run purely on electric power at low speeds. The Insight chassis has had its wheelbase shortened and track widened to help the CR-Z handle decently, and the CR-Z is 50kg lighter than the car on which it’s based. Although, seeing as it’s a 2 seater, that’s no surprise.

The petrol engine is a 1.5 litre compared to the Insight’s 1.3, but 102bhp still doesn’t sound great – even when working alongside the electric motor, total output is just 122bhp. Performance figures haven’t been released yet, but it emits 117g/km of CO2 and should do 56.4mpg. We’ve ranked it higher than the FT-CH because it’s the first to arrive, but we’ll put a pound on the Toyota being the smarter car…

2. Audi e-tron

An electric TT. The e-tron was originally shown at the Frankfurt show last year – generally seen as an electric vision of the R8 supercar. This second version has shrunk to become smaller than a TT – which has helped the weight drop by a quarter of a tonne, to 1390kg. It’s also now rear wheel drive, instead of four wheel drive.

The battery and motor layout is very similar with two motors and a wedge of batteries sitting between the driver and the back wheels. Power is 200bhp and torque a ball-rupturing 1954lb ft: 0-62mph happens in 5.9 seconds and there’s a theoretical range of 150 miles. A much, much more realistic prospect than the original… and nearly 2000lb ft of torque through the back wheels? Make it please.

1. Ford Focus

An essential car for Ford, the UK and the globe. This mk3 Ford Focus will go on sale across the whole world – so it needs to be ruddy amazing. While local tweaks will be made to suit each market, Ford are hoping that global tastes have converged to such an extent that one car fits all: it’s going on sale in 122 countries, with 80% of the car common to all of them.

The new Focus hits the UK in early 2011 – the same time as America and the rest of Europe. We’ll get a new 1.6 turbo charged engine, improved Duratorq diesels, an interior with a focus on quality and a chassis gently tweaked to suit our picky ways. In time, the Focus chassis will spawn saloons, estates, MPVs and crossovers – Ford expect to shift 2 million units a year by 2012. A plague of Focus… it’s biblically important.

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Alfa Romeo revealed a jazzed over, matt black version of the Brera made in conjunction with designer label Italia Independent. Ford tweaked the S-Max and Galaxy, giving both cars a new ‘Ecoboost’ turbocharged 2.0 petrol with around 200bhp but 189g/km of CO2, as well as upgraded diesels and funked cosmetics. And Ferrari said Schumacher was free to leave their contract.

Yes, we know it’s now Monday so this is old news… but we went to the pub on Friday and have only just left. So, for the sake of continuity, here’s Friday’s news on Monday:

Digesting the news… then spewing it out in 60 words

Some Formula 1 news happened: Renault sold 75% of its team to an unnamed buyer, keeping 25% for itself; and the points system was changed with 25 points for 1^st place, down to 1 point for 10^th. There were rumours of Kia making a rear-drive coupe, based on the Hyundai Genesis. And pictures of Honda’s CR-Z leaked onto the internet.

Buying a Fiat Coupe in the 1990s was very similar to buying a mail order bride. The glossy brochures were full of slick beauty and love-you-long-time reliability, but reality was often very different – erratic behaviour quickly led to a catastrophic falling out, with the occasional spilling of fluids.

But, mood swings aside, there was never any doubt about the Fiat Coupe’s intentions. From the Pininfarina lines, to the pointy front-drive handling, it was a proper sports car. And now, just as the flakiest brides have already had their vows absolved, the flakiest Fiats have long since ascended to the scrappy in the sky, leaving just the ones we should be lusting over. But what to buy?

Simple. Only buy a Coupe with the later 5-cylinder engine – quicker, newer and better sounding. They’re usually referred to as 20v models, and replaced the earlier four-pot cars in November 1996, staying on sale until 2000. There are two versions – the naturally aspirated 147bhp 20v, and the ruddy quick 220bhp 20v Turbo. You want a turbo more than your pervy uncle wants a Thai bride, for incredibly good reasons…

Even now, a 0-62mph time of 6.5 seconds and a top whoosh of 155mph sound unfeasibly quick. And while they might slither and tug with the type of torque steer that could dislocate your wrists, they’re actually very agile and accurate to hustle about. The Coupe might miss out on the rear-drive cheek of an MX-5, but the payback is extra speed, a smarter interior and, of course, some little Pininfarina badges finishing it off like Cindy Crawford’s mole.

Some advice. First, you need to find out if you can afford the insurance – the 20v is a group 17, while the 20v Turbo is a ridiculous 18. If you can stomach what the cartoon elephant quotes you, then the price of the actual car will be no problem – a tidy 20v Turbo can be had from just £2k.

Before getting anywhere near a test drive, make sure the car comes with the red key. Sounds daft, but a new set of locks and keys can be £1000 without it. Other than that, the biggest potential life-ruiners are the cambelt, exhaust manifold and, in the case of the 20V Turbo… the turbo.

The cam belt ideally needs doing every 36k miles, and is massively fiddly and expensive. While it doesn’t have to be an engine-out job it’ll still cost around £750 so look for proof of it being done. The exhaust manifold can crack, which is very hard to spot; any rattling or blowing are sure signs, but they’re the worst case scenario – if you don’t think you could spot a problem, get someone cleverer to have a look. Finally, the turbo oil seals can perish, giving off blue smoke at idle… so make sure it’s running clean or you’ll need a new one.

Find a bright red one with a full history file, a recent cambelt change and tidy bodywork and you’ll have an excellent value Italian sports car that makes the MR-2 and Celica look cold and soulless. This Coupe love you long time.

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Cadillac announced a coupe version of their geometric CTS saloon, which will go on sale in America next year – UK availability is unconfirmed. Volkswagen said they’ll open a new factory in 2011, which bodes well for the future production of their BlueSport roadster. And the Phoenix Four angered Birmingham by receiving £2.5 million each from the ruins of MG. Swines.

Garçon Martin

Countdown Conundrum