There’s so much to say about the new Hybrid version of Porsche’s most controversial car that a review could easily fill the whole Internet. Nobody would read it to the end, nobody would gain anything from it and we’d have wasted our time. So, to avoid the bother and prove that no car review needs to be longer than 500 words, this one’s 499.

To address the fact that the old Cayenne was too heavy, too ugly and too poorly furnished, Porsche have released a new model that’s up to 180kg lighter, much sleeker to look at and infinitely posher to sit in. And to address the fact that it was a total bastard to the environment, they’ve made a Hybrid version. Sounds perfect.

But it’s not – there are two big problems. First, it’s the least satisfying model to drive. And second, despite the 3.0l supercharged V6 engine being the smallest in the range, and despite it being assisted by a 34kw electric motor and hybrid drivetrain, it’s actually less economical than the Cayenne Diesel. Oh, and at £57k it’s also £13k more expensive than the Diesel. So the Hybrid’s pointless. Right?

Well yes. But also no. Just like every hybrid, it depends on where you drive it.

On roads where other Porsches shine, the Cayenne is flawed. Not because it’s the heaviest model, or because it’s the only one with electric rather than hydraulic power steering – what really sucks enjoyment out of the Cayenne Hybrid is the droning engine note and the distracting commotion of hybrid electronics you can feel through the brakes and throttle.

Brush the brake pedal lightly and it seems to slow through magnetic resistance instead of friction; press harder and only a greater sense of deceleration makes you believe the actual brake discs are doing anything. A similarly numb inconsistency affects the throttle, but is less severe. The engine can go from purely turning the wheels, to charging the battery while turning the wheels, to being switched off totally if you’re coasting, to working at maximum power with electric assistance… all with one flex of the right ankle. The motor swapping is masked well, but never totally disguised.

Yet all that’s forgiven when you get into traffic and drive around on electro-juice alone. Like a Prius, the Cayenne has a parallel Hybrid system in which some MENSA powered clutches allow the electric motor to turn the wheels without turning the engine as a slave and therefore wasting energy.

So while its combined economy of 34mpg is worse than the Diesel’s 38, and its 193g/km CO2 figure only 2g better, the Hybrid gets better as the traffic gets thicker; the slower you go, the more chance you have of running without using any fuel. Press the E-Power button and the car will propel you for as long as possible on electricity alone. With suitably gentle driving across a city, we covered 1.1 miles without a spark plug firing once. On one gentle journey, we even hit 38.7mpg at an average speed of 15mph. You wouldn’t get that in a diesel. Or in a Fiesta for that matter.

So the Hybrid lacks the dynamics and mechanical intuition that Porschefiles get clammy over, but has the talent, badges and technology to give City types something to boast about. In the end then, it’s not actually that different from any other Cayenne.

It’s a £50k car with the interior of a £15k car. It looks ridiculous. It’ll struggle to do 20mpg… the Mitsubishi Evo X FQ400 is a very easy car to mock. But having been lucky enough to  spend a couple of nights bonding with one, we’ve found some redeeming features that sprinkle some little shards of brilliance onto the stupidity.

It’ll do 0-62 in less than 4 seconds

Even the cheapest Evo X, the £30k FQ300, hits 62mph in 4.7 seconds – over a second quicker than a Focus RS. But you’ve got to crack it in less than 4 seconds to join the supercar club and REALLY have something to boast about. The Evo X FQ400 is the cheapest car with a roof and proper boot to do just that. To a lot of people, that matters.

It’s got more than just a turbo under the bonnet

Japanese motorsport alchemists HKS have been at the FQ400’s 2.0 litre engine – and they haven’t just strapped a big metal snail to it. Over lesser Evo’s this has a turbo that works better at high temperatures, as well as new injectors, a new ECU with over 500 hours of development time and a new intercooler. Because of those improvements, the FQ400 will not only turn your eyelids inside out as its 403bhp squirms onto the road at 6,500rpm, but also pull from 2,000rpm without being left behind by a 2CV.

It can corner and stop as ferociously as it accelerates

Like the engine, the chassis has much more to it than just brute force. The suspension is 30mm lower on Eibach springs and Bilstein shocks, the brakes are uprated and the track’s wider at the front and back. Bloody works too – not too crashy or so darty that it’s undriveable on narrow roads, but absorbent, adjustable, flattering and staggeringly grippy. The Alcon brakes deserve special mention too… only rubbing a big toe over a still warm disc would reveal more about what’s going on at the wheels.

It doesn’t blind you with technology

The obvious engineering improvements over less well endowed Evos aren’t smothered by a nasty bout of driver aids. You tell the ‘Super All Wheel Drive Control’ the surface you’re driving on and let the Active Centre Differential and Yaw Control discreetly do the rest – sometimes you can sense them scurrying power to different wheels, but they’re generally discreet. Without any sport modes, power dials or adjustable dampers the Evo X feels purer and more mechanical than you think possible from a 4wd 400bhp rude boy.

It makes you feel like a child

Your eyes tell you that the spoiler, diffuser, splitter and carbon fins are in dubious taste… but your inner kid has a naughty grin. Then you hoon it through second gear with your inner kid giggling like he’s being pushed on the world’s biggest swing.  Then you stop, peering through the heat haze that’s started to shimmy up out of the bonnet. And then you hoof it again until you hit the rev limiter in fourth… and go absolutely silent.  Like your inner kid was about to swing right over the top and die. Addictive, naughty, ridiculous… and brilliant.

Oakley Hoodie

Ever wondered what an X5 would look like after it slept badly on a creased pillow? No, us either. But BMW have answered the question anyway – let’s give a warm welcome to the brand new BMW X3.

On sale in the UK from January, BMW’s new midi-crossover will be launched with two engines at first – a 2.0l four cylinder diesel with 181bhp and CO2 emissions of 149g/km, as well as a 3.0l turbcharged petrol with 302bhp and emissions of 204 g/km. Both will be fitted with start/stop while the petrol will come with BMW’s new 8 speed auto as standard (optional on the diseasle), as well as a Boxster beating 0-62mph time of 5.7 secs.

Unlike their smaller but still pigeon-faced and self-consciously surfaced X1, BMW will only offer the X3 with four wheel drive powetrains. In other news, electric variable speed power steering is fitted for the first time in a BMW crossover, while Damper Control and Dynamic Drive Control are both optional – again for the first time in a BMW ‘X’ model. So perhaps (and again unlike the X1), the dubious creases can be offset by a reasonable mix of dynamics and comfort. Fingers, and swage lines, crossed.

This evening, at a slinky party in the grounds of Kensington Palace, Land Rover revealed a brand new ‘compact’ car for 2011, the Range Rover Evoque. And crikey, the purists are gonna be mad. Not only was Victoria Beckham the star of the party, it was also revealed that the Evoque will be available as 2WD. A Range Rover that doesn’t go off-road, with celebrity gloss put above muddy tech? Jeepers.

But don’t let Posh Spice give you a bad first impression – there’s sense behind the style…

The lightweight 2WD transmission helps make the Evoque the smallest, lightest, most fuel efficient Range Rover ever with CO2 emissions of less than 130g/km. And with styling that’s almost identical to the awesome LRX concept, it manages to look both sparklingly new and totally Range Rover.

Clean, lean, stylish and very useful in bringing the company’s average CO2 emissions down – it’s an addition to the RR 4×4 core, not a replacement… so don’t panic. Pricing and further technical details are TBA – but we’ll guess at a £30k start price when it goes on sale in Summer 2011.

In a couple of weeks, the Range Rover will be forty years old. Through four decades of technological progress, it’s not only become the best off-roader in the muck, but the best off-roader on the road. It had coil springs, on and off-road ABS, driver and passenger air bags, self levelling suspension and electronic air suspension before any other SUV.

But the Rangie’s muddy-time tech innovations aren’t the only factors in its success. There’s also the bling… and nothing says bling like over-guilded, diamante encrusted headlight jewellery. So to celebrate the fact that Range Rover can make cars for crystal fingered footballers without annoying the hard-working farmers, here’s a chronology of Range Rover headlights – from the soft Halogen of a 1970 Classic to the LED and Xenon pierce of a facelifted L322. You can click it to make it bigger.

Now shut your eyes, blow out the twinkling LED candles, and wish for another 40 years of Range Rovers that satisfy tarty taste without sacrificing mud-munching prowess. Happy Birthday Range Rover – and never forget that farmers are more important than footballers.

Nissan have announced prices for their brilliantly gawky Sonia Jackson look-a-like, the Juke. And while the looks split opinion like Cassidy splits mirrors, we want one even more than we did before. The range starts at a Fiesta scaring £12,795, which gets you a 1.6 petrol engine, 16″ alloys and air con alongside the bag-of-smashed-crabs face.

The model your brain will tell you to want is the middling £15,145 1.5 dCi Acenta, where you get climate control, Bluetooth, a USB hole and 17″ rims. The model your heart will want is the top of the range, £19,995 190hp turbocharged 1.6 with four wheel drive. Best compromise is probably the turbo charged engine in 2WD form, which costs from £15,595. Less than £16k for a mad looking, British built odd-box with 190hp? Yes please.

Reasons for not buying a Juke are the excellent Skoda Yeti – a touch pricey and bland by comparison, and the agile Fiesta – on the nose for price, but smaller. So, while the face may have a whiff of sausagemeat Cassidy to it, we reckon it’s an interesting, good value, decently equipped wedge of geometric spunkiness. Nissan will take deposits from June, with deliveries starting in September. Like.

Organic Veal

Knuckle Shuffle

The previous Sorento always seemed at its most comfortable with a Border Collie on the back seat, some wellies in the footwell and a small cottage connected to the towbar. With a body-on-frame chassis, low transfer box and live rear axle, it was a farmers’ weapon that shifted nearly a million units across the world.

Which makes the new Sorento a brave move by Kia – because with a monocoque chassis and independent suspension, it’s completely different. More for Mrs Farmer and the family than Mr Farmer himself.

Happily for Mrs Farmer, Sorento mk2 is also very good. The hero is Kia’s brand new, 194bhp 2.2CRDi engine – especially when hooked up to the smooth £1300 6-speed auto box. Spinning between 1800 and 2500rpm, peak torque of 311lb ft is maintained quietly with the box shuffling through ratios without bother. Bumble around in this comfort zone and the Sorento’s 38mpg combined figure isn’t out of reach either. A good engine.

And Mrs Farmer won’t complain when she encounters her first corner. Body roll is kept to a minimum, the steering has a consistent and natural feel from its hydraulic assistance and there’s more than enough grip and stability to stand up to any emergency sheep avoidance routines. A slightly over-firm ride is the trade-off for making a 1.8 tonne SUV corner without drama – but it’s not a deal breaker.

Nor is the interior. All but the base £20,495 2.4 litre petrol (which is next to pointless) have 7 seats, with a rear pair that are big enough to transport children with limbs, but small enough to use as a method of punishment if they get lippy. Pay £25,495 for the mid-spec KX-2 trim and you get leather, climate control, rear parking sensors and cruise control – it all contributes to an ambience that Mrs Farmer might feel is too push for her husband. Best not tell him that even her new Sorento has actually got a pretty handy 4×4 transmission then.

Perhaps the interior plastics are a little brittle, and perhaps the price looks strong next to a £24k Nissan Qashqai+2 with similar spec – but there’s no escaping from the fact that Mrs Farmer’s new Sorento is a much smarter car than Mr Farmer’s old one.

After yesterday’s jubilation of GM securing the future of Saab by selling it to Spyker, the American giant announced they are going to close Hummer leading to the loss of over 3,000 jobs. GM have been trying to shift the SUV brand to Chinese company Sichuan Tengzhong Heavy Industrial Machinery Company, who’s name is as economical with words as Hummers are with fuel, but the sale has fallen through. GM will honour warranties and continue to provide spare parts for current cars.

The failure of the $150m deal is due the Chinese Government’s reluctance to approve the sale, probably due to the fact that they didn’t really fancy idea of appearing to condone cars that can’t crack 15mpg. Not good for the international street cred you see… there’s an irony there somewhere.

Look on the bright side though – in a world of averages, Hummer’s death means we can all drive a faster, more polluting car without any ill effect. If anyone ever accuses you of being blase towards the environment as you rag your V12 Vantage, just say you’re restoring the Hummer equilibrium. Call it a kind of automotive altruistic utilitarianism. You’ll be gone before they realise what the hell you’re on about.

The Citroen C-Crosser is a 7 seat, diesel only, 40mpg, fairly massive 4×4 that in Exclusive trim costs £27k. It will appeal to folk who live in the country with children who occasionally bring their mates home. Families who can afford a new car, but struggle to justify spending over £30k on a Discovery. Pleasant humans who want something that can deal with the pitted, muddy track to the stable without bottoming out. It will make these people very happy. As a sensible, rugged, reasonably affordable family car with a couple of spare seats in the back, it’s good. Very good.

It’s good at doing stuff it doesn’t need to bother with too. Like going round corners. We spent a whole weekend driving it round the Cotswolds, and on more than one occasion deliberately drove straight back where we’d come from just for the hell of it. Obviously, the C-Crosser is no Saxo VTS – there’ll certainly be no inside wheel cocking, lift-off oversteer or hairpin handbraking. But, considering it weighs 1750kg and takes 11 secs to get to 62mph, its fleet footed bend taking ability is a gentle shock, especially given that the ride is still perfectly composed and comfortable.

Perhaps a Mazda CX-7 feels tighter, and perhaps a BMW X1 is quicker to change direction – but the C-Crosser has a more fluid, better-resolved ability to manage both bumps and corners simultaneously, shrinking around you and being easy to place on the road. The similarly priced Mazda and BMW don’t have 7 seats either. It’s not supernaturally good, just much better than it has any right to be. You can enjoy it.

Some of the fun can be attributed to the new ‘DCS’ double clutch gearbox, a £1200 option. Snicking it across to manual and using the massive wheel mounted paddles adds to the involving nature of the chassis. And, if we’re being picky, this also avoids the auto mode’s occasional tendency to languish in an optimistically high gear, below where the peak 200lb ft of torque steps in at 2,000rpm. The only other downside to the DCS is an environmental one – figures of 38.7mpg and 192g/km of CO2 aren’t as pleasant as the manual’s 40.4mpg and 185g. No biggy though… the smooth auto changes help the big Citroen’s refinement.

The C-Crosser’s other bonus feature is a usefully robust 4wd system. A dial lets you choose between FWD, occasional 4WD if the fronts lose grip, or locked 4WD. Admittedly, we didn’t blat up any mountains to test it to the limits, but over rough, slippy, pitted dirt tracks where the back wheels were at least being called into action, the C-Crosser felt perfectly happy acting agriculturally. Seeing as it’s been co-developed with Mitsubishi (who rebadge it and sell it as an Outlander), this impression should at least have some objective backing – they’re pretty handy at the 4×4 business.

It’s only when you stop moving and look around the interior that negativity starts to creep in. The heating dials feel flimsy, with materials that are bettered by the new C3, which costs £10k less. The £1690 optional sat nav has the iffy ergonomics you’d find in an aftermarket Halfords job – and like too many factory fit sat navs, you can’t change the CD track or radio station if you’re using the navigation. The rear seats are only very temporary too. But that’s about it. The C-Crosser is a surprising car… not just because of how well it achieves what it set out to, but because it offers much more than you’d expect.

Digesting the news… then spewing it out in 60 words

Mazda released details of the new Mazda5 seven seat MPV – officially unveiled at Geneva, on sale in the UK this autumn and bearer of a funny swoop. Skoda announced a 1.4% rise in sales in 2009, and showed off piccies of the belting Superb Estate 4×4. And the head of Fiat said Lancia and Chrysler will merge together by the end of the year.

A slight of hand somewhere behind the scenes at BMW has led to pictures of the Mini Countryman appearing before they really should have done. And it’s not much of a looker. The mudflaps are in the wrong place for a start…

Various concept incarnations like the doorless Beachcomber have already been shown off, but these are the first real-life, real-car piccies of Mini’s first crossover. It’ll be seen in the flesh for the first time at the Geneva Motor Show in March, before going on sale in the UK in the autumn from around £17k. Unlike a lot of mock-roaders, the Countryman will actually be 4WD – eagle eyed viewers will note an ‘All4′ badge on the front door.

Other than the accidentally placed mudflaps, styling hightlights include the clumsiest roof to C-pillar transition ever seen on a production car, round front lights that aren’t actually round at all and a boot lid that still looks sparse despite the massive Mini badge. Good news comes from the fact that it’s got proper back doors instead of borrowing the Clubman’s half sized kitchen cupboard design.

Inside, it’s very similar to a normal Mini with the addition of an aeroplane throttle style handbrake that might be easier to use with Gore-Tex gloves after you’ve been skiing. The styling might be an acquired taste, and even a modestly specced Countryman will no doubt cost Golf GTI money, but look on the bright side… it could be the first new Mini that’s more spacious than Issigonis’ model from 1959. Now that’s progress.

Analogue clocks are generally a sign of good taste, subtle style and nuanced craftsmanship. They grace some of the best interiors in the world, from Bentley to Rolls Royce to Range Rover. Even the VW Phaeton, one of the most carefully considered cars ever made, has one. So to find one in what is essentially a Nissan made for Americans is a bit of a shock. It’s not just a clock – it’s a statement of classy intent.

Because while Infiniti are owned by Nissan, and while they have been making cars for Americans for years, they’re now intent on making us tasteful Brits take them seriously. Everything from the dealer network to the chassis has been specially prepared for us; walk into an Infiniti shop and you won’t get heckled by a thug in a nylon suit, you’ll be offered your own ‘account manager’ who will see you through sale and aftersale for the entire time you own the car. But is their EX37 worthy of the analogue clock?

Moving from the clock outwards, it starts well. The interior sees soft leather meet sharp technology – a bird’s eye view 360º camera system, adaptive cruise control and decent touch screen sat nav are bedded into the European standard materials. Wearing brown and black together might break Trinny and Susannah’s rules but it doesn’t creak, is ergonomically sound and feels tightly glued together. The ambience is in keeping with the timepiece.

And, thanks to the engine, so is the drive. Until a Nissan/Renault V6 diesel is offered later this year, the only motor you can have is the 3.7 litre V6 petrol from the 370Z, which in the EX37 thrusts out 316bhp. You’ll rarely get more than 20mpg from it, but the brawny noise and neck-bothering force it generates maintains the impression of class. Comparing it to its Roller and Bentley clock-mates is obviously daft, but there’s at least a trace of similarity in the way the EX37 is defined by its engine – smooth, strong, linear… and seeing as it hits 62mph in 6.4 seconds, it’s certainly not running slow.

The only aspect of the Infiniti’s mechanism that isn’t precisely metronomic is the ride – a hefty 1900kg kerb weight obviously needs a firm set of springs to keep in check. Roll control and turn in are decent, and grip from the 4wd with rear LSD is excellent… but you can feel the engineering compromise in the way it jolts across bumps. The ride quality is definitely more harsh LED than subdued analogue.

Steer around the potholes though, and the impression of a plush, grunty and refined carriage remains. At £37k, cars like the £10k cheaper Mazda CX-7 and more spacious, similarly priced VW Touareg offer better value, especially with diesel engines up front – but the Infiniti makes them look stark and dull. So while it might not make perfect financial sense, the EX37 is at least worthy of the posh clock.

Digesting the news… then spewing it out in 60 words

Renault owned Romanian budget-meisters Dacia unveiled their new and erotically utilitarian Duster – a Yeti sized wagon that might yet come to the UK. A group of old Ford executives put together a bid to buy Volvo, rivalling current favourite purchaser Geely. And news of another wrecked supercar did the rounds, as some chap stuffed his Zonda in Hong Kong.

The Car of the Year 2010 gong has been handed to the VW Polo, sparking a raging debate over what’s less imaginative – the car, or the decision to give it victory. The little Volkswagen pipped the thoroughly interesting Toyota iQ into second place by 10 points, with many pundits claiming Toyota ‘was robbed’, and that the whole scenario is almost as unfair as Ireland not qualifying for the World Cup because of Thierry Henry’s hand ball. Obviously VW didn’t cheat (corruption and bribes have definitely never played a part in the judgement process), but they have got bloody lucky.

Closer inspection of the results shows that the Polo was voted the best car by 25 of the 59 judges, and received a total score of 347 against the iQ’s 24 win votes and 337 points. Here’s a run down of the total scores:

1. Volkswagen Polo 347 points

2. Toyota iQ 337 points

3. Vauxhall Astra 221 points

4. Skoda Yeti 158 points

5. Mercedes-Benz E-class 155 points

6. Peugeot 3008 144 points

7. Citroen C3 Picasso 113 points

Readers with unusual memories, or the ability to click here, will no doubt be keen to point out that the Citroen C3 Picasso which we expected to be fighting the iQ for the top spot actually came last. We’d still have voted iQ first and C3 Picasso first. So there.

Remove your off-road hate veils readers – here’s an SUV that’s trying to be nice! Meet the Volvo XC60 DRIVe – a cheaper version of Volvo’s 4×4 that’s turned environ-mental! A green-leaning SUV? It’s even more deceptive than Derren Brown’s monthly murder mystery night!

So let’s play the murder mystery! What’s the crime and who’s the killer? Here’s the crime! Compared to a standard XC60 with the same diesel engine, it does 6mpg more and produces 24g CO2 less! Yes! From the same engine! So who’s the emission murderer?

The culprits are easy to find! A green-tinged ECU, longer legged gears and a torque-twiddled turbo all look guilty on a spec sheet! And there’s 30bhp less than the standard car! They’re certainly accessories to murder! But 47.1mpg and 159g CO2? Emission killers like that are used elsewhere and never have such a massive effect! We need to look deeper!

Is it whooshy aerodynamics? No! Is it slippy gearbox oil? No! Is it a rear diffuser on the edge of regulations? No! Think it’s getting hard to find the murderer? Don’t!

Sorry Derren, but we’ve got it! The Volvo XC60 DRIVe isn’t actually a 4×4! You’re no better at hiding emission murderers than you are at tricking casinos! Pulling out of a greasy junction will betray the criminal! Slippy, trampy, juddery cack wheelspin! That’s our emission killer! The 2WD transmission – it’s going straight to Derren’s imaginary mind trick goatie jail!

So, has the emission killing 2WD criminal made the XC60 DRIVe a worse car? The answer is the same as the answer to ‘is Derren Brown’s murder mystery night actually fun?’! It’s a no! The DRIVe is the best XC60 on sale! It still lollops with a blandly decent gait – but Derren’s DRIVe is £2k cheaper than the rest! £25,395! It might slip its front wheels more, but just like Derren, nobody really cares!

Digesting the news… then spewing it out in 60 words

Hyundai unveiled a facelifted Santa Fe SUV with a better engine, less enviro-poison and a lower price – starting at £21,495. Peugeot confirmed that they’ll join Citroen in releasing an electric Mitsubishi i-MiEV clone next year, which they’ll call the iOn. And a Spanish newspaper said that Schumacher won’t be advising Ferrari F1 next year. It was a slow news day.

Hadrian’s Wall