Nissan have announced prices for their brilliantly gawky Sonia Jackson look-a-like, the Juke. And while the looks split opinion like Cassidy splits mirrors, we want one even more than we did before. The range starts at a Fiesta scaring £12,795, which gets you a 1.6 petrol engine, 16″ alloys and air con alongside the bag-of-smashed-crabs face.

The model your brain will tell you to want is the middling £15,145 1.5 dCi Acenta, where you get climate control, Bluetooth, a USB hole and 17″ rims. The model your heart will want is the top of the range, £19,995 190hp turbocharged 1.6 with four wheel drive. Best compromise is probably the turbo charged engine in 2WD form, which costs from £15,595. Less than £16k for a mad looking, British built odd-box with 190hp? Yes please.

Reasons for not buying a Juke are the excellent Skoda Yeti – a touch pricey and bland by comparison, and the agile Fiesta – on the nose for price, but smaller. So, while the face may have a whiff of sausagemeat Cassidy to it, we reckon it’s an interesting, good value, decently equipped wedge of geometric spunkiness. Nissan will take deposits from June, with deliveries starting in September. Like.

We can only apologise. While we were being distracted by pictures of their RS5, Audi released the third and fourth videos in their A1 promotional campaign. In these two, Justin Timberlake (who’s now called Jon), zips about in the little red Mini-hater, sharing raunchy glances with the woman who he doesn’t really know. Seeing as the first video saw the woman being shot at, we can only assume she’s obviously a horrible, horrible lady that he’s better off avoiding. Find out below if he sticks with her, or tells her to naff off and steals her car. Or just keeps running away from the men with guns…

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Organic Veal

You can tell a lot about a car’s character from the material covering the inside of its A-pillars. Cheap, brittle little cars have pillars garnished with the type of plastic that photocopier paper trays are made of. Expensive, plush cars have smartly upholstered fabric pillars that invite a casual backhand stroke.

Usually, it’s a pretty clear-cut affair: fabric or plastic. Good or bad. But the revised MiTo is deceptive. For three whole days, we thought the pillars were fabric… and true to analogy, the car stood up well. It felt premium and strokeable.

The premium-ness actually comes from a couple of new MultiAir engines – the most newsworthy of a variety of changes that took place at the end of 2009. Instead of the valves being moved by the camshafts, they’re controlled electronically in a manner that can either boost economy or power. Sounds simple, but making an engine’s valves move independently of engine speed is ruddy smart. Feels it too.

At low revs, the 135bhp turbocharged 1.4 MultiAir engine fitted to our mid-spec £16k Veloce model (there’s also an £18k 170bhp Cloverleaf version) is quiet and docile, but torquey and flexible. Ask it to do something more interesting and it changes character entirely, giving a surge that you’d never think was coming from such a small capacity. The combination of 50.4mpg, 129g/km and 8.4 second 0-62mph time give paper-proof to the tarmac impression.

The strokeability comes from gently caressed steering software. The MiTo used to feel like it had been programmed by the chap that engineered Sega Rally – a light, numb action with inconsistent resistance trying to emulate genuine weight. It was bad. Now though, it’s better… and the body control and general nimbleness are still just as respectable as they have always been.

For the first three days of our week with the MiTo, those were our impressions. Clever engine, improved steering, decent dynamics and pleasantly upholstered A-pillars. But then we got stuck in a traffic jam and it all started to unravel. In a moment of boredom, a restless index finger stretched out like E.T to touch a pillar and – O M Flipping G. They’re plastic. It’s a fake! Closer inspection of the whole car was of course now required. So instead of waiting in the traffic jam and marvelling at the Start/Stop system, we turned off and took the rurals… and it didn’t go that well.

Look past the clear improvements to the steering and the persistent faults of the MiTo’s set-up remain. There’s still a dead spot in the middle, a lack of feedback and an impression that any apparent ‘weight’ that builds through a corner is actually a computerised, artificial response instead of a physical, rubbery one.

Tuning into the car over the A-roads that people used before the M42 existed, more faults revealed themselves. The gearchange, which to our pre-pillar revelation selves had basically felt fine, was baulky and vague under closer inspection. The engine, which is easily the car’s strongest feature, developed an attitude problem if asked to do anything useful above 5,000rpm. The car’s ability to deal with any significant lumps was noisily absent too. The MiTo showed itself up to be dynamically inferior to not just the Mini, but also the Citroen DS3.

Thought turned to the MiTo’s DNA system, which adjusts throttle response and steering weight from All-weather to Normal to Dynamic. Being human, we’d always switched the MiTo to Dynamic for the sharpest responses… but now, in a move to find a better set-up, it was switched back to Normal. Perhaps this would reveal more a more natural side, with a smoother power delivery and less computerised resistance to the steering. Not a chance. It just makes the throttle so baggy that you genuinely think you’re in third when pulling away from a junction.

Then we got back home, still annoyed that the car had tricked us into thinking it had fabric A-pillars, not plastic ones. And the deception sums it up well. On the face of it, the MiTo is desirable, smartly engineered and good to jaunt about in; a car you’d buy if you want a Mini but can’t stomach actually buying a Mini. Initially, the MiTo is also just as satisfying to drive as the German too – but there’s a numbness and artificiality lurking beneath the surface – cheap plastic where you expect nice fabric, and dynamic niggles where you expect simple pleasures. If you never delve beneath the surface of a car, the MiTo will be fine… just don’t look for any hidden depths. You might scratch the A-pillars.

In pt.1, Justin, who’s now called John, was cajoled into helping an abrupt lady escape from men with guns. In pt.2 , the escape continues as he finds himself driving the abrupt lady’s Audi A1 in a car chase. Just as he loses them his phone rings. Bugger. But no! He’s got a handsfree kit, that unlike any other car in the world, has paired to his phone without him jabbing in 0000 four times while swearing. And after that, it gets even more interesting…

Ever seen those Orange cinema trailers where a spurious plot is invented purely to justify the presence of a phone? Yup, us too. Nothing like as awkward as justifying an Audi…

Nonetheless, pt.2 throws up some important questions. Will Jus… sorry, John, deliver the package? Will the necklace explode? Will he say ‘shit’ again? Will we ever find out what bunny means? Will the cupholder come in handy as a gun cubby? Find out at some point in the near future, right here.

You half expect BMW’s repsonse to being asked ‘will you ever make an economy model?’ to be ‘Actually, a lot of our normal cars already have Start/Stop, brake energy regeneration and intelligent ancilleries – so that’s like asking the Queen if she’d like a crown you spaz.’. But this 320ED shows that their answer is ‘Why yes. On top of our usual Efficient Dynamics routine, we’re going to go one step further by taking a 320d, detuning the engine, lengthening the final drive ratio, fitting some aero alloys, wrapping them in energy saving tyres and lowering the ride by 15mm.’.

Which is exactly what they’ve done. So while a 320d SE has 184bhp and does 60.1 mpg, a 320ED has 163bhp and does 68.9mpg – the 280lb ft of torque and £27,245 ticket are identical. Jolly good show really. With a 0-62mph time of 8 secs, you do lose half a second to the normal car and forfeit the option of speccing big alloys or M-Sport body kits… but that seems a fair swap for covering an extra 12% of road from each drop of fuel.

And rather cleverly, it’s actually a smoother drive than the standard car. The unsung hero is an unfathomably brilliant device called a Centrifugal Pendulum Absorber, which lives inside the dual mass flywheel and smoothes out the juddering you usually get from a car when it labours at low revs. It works incredibly well, making any vibrations almost imperceptible at slow engine speeds and just as smooth at high ones – so you stay in a higher gear for longer, using less diesel. If you’re lazy, it can trick you out: approach a junction, downchange to third, slow to a crawl, then try and accelerate with the engine still smooth as it languishes at 700rpm. The moral? Don’t be lazy or you’ll bog down. A life lesson.

The rest of the car is exactly how you’d expect a mid-spec BMW 3-Series to be. A fantastically judged 50:50 weighted chassis that’s forgiving and alert in perfect measures, a stubborn resistance against understeer even on the energy saving tyres and, to us at least, no effect whatsoever from being 15mm lower and having a higher final drive ratio than normal. If anything, the tall sidewalls on little wheels make it more compliant than the typical Barry-spec 3-Series on 19″ rims and runflats.

So, what about the three other pesky German midi-execs? Audi make an A4 TDIe which costs a couple of grand less, but is 30bhp and 7mpg down on the 320ED, while Merc will sell you a C220CDI BlueEfficiency for the same price as the Audi, which has the same power as the BMW but is less economical than either. Unless the extra £2k is a deal breaker, the BMW is a no-brainer.

You half expect any manufacturer’s repsonse to being asked ‘does detuning the engine, shrinking the wheels, compromising the tyres and lengthening the gears in the name of economy make your car better to drive?’ to be a pretty straight ‘no’. But BMW actually answer it with a convincing ‘yes’.

The General Election’s closed, Cowell’s done the judging, Brooker’s called them all cunts, and the result is a draw. Great.

So, more pertinently… what are the best cars to have ever been used for ferrying our Prime Ministers about?

5. Humber Pullman Limousine

As used in the late 1940s by Clement Atlee, the British built Humber Pullman had the presence and patriotism required by a post-War PM. Getting 100bhp from a massive 4.0 litre straight six sounds like a criminal waste of capacity now, but at the time its 100mph top speed was staggering… easily more than the 70mph speed limit that didn’t exist yet. Some versions also came with 7 seats, which were no doubt handy for cramming together quick meetings about how to fix the various bomb holes dotted around London.

4. Jaguar XJ X350

It’s rare to see a TV news story at No.10 without one of these in the background. Usually with a 4.2 V8 up front, the XJ is a Government favourite… but probably just because its British built more than anything else. With an aluminium chassis and air suspension, the XJ is actually a very modern PM wagon but always gave the impression of stoic traditionalism. Nonetheless, with 300bhp from the V8 it could outrun a terrorist’s Jeep while sounding decently fruity.

3. Austin 10hp

Bafflingly, the little Austin was Winston Churchill’s vehicle of choice during World War II – and somehow, he never got bombed in it. Despite only having the power of 10 medium sized horses, the Austin deserves credit for being not just tough enough for the PM, but also the Army. Top speed from the 1.1 litre engine was just 60mph, but with fuel economy of 30mpg it is, in some ways at least, better than a Ford Focus RS. Churchill’s actual car sold for £66k at auction back in 1997.

2. Rover P5B

The car that drove Magaret Thatcher to Number 10 in 1979. Say what you like about that, but the choice of car is a telling one – despite being out of production forsix years, the P5B was still considered the most fitting form of transport for the new PM. Previously used by at least two Guvnas before her, Maggie’s Rover was something of an institution – breath in with your eyes closed and you can probably smell it. With a 3.5 litre V8 giving 160bhp and a 0-60mph time of 11 secs, it was quick and brutal.

1. Jaguar XJ

The high-tech, 21st Century, plushly upholstered new XJ almost seems too good for ferrying about penny pinching PMs – but there’s no doubt that it’ll have to do just that. With a £200k version complete with all the bomb-proofing a Prime Minister needs ready for work, the new XJ will soon be as recongnisable on Downing St. as that chap with a gun who stands next to Number 10. While the 510bhp supercharged V8 will be tempting, expect the new PM to actually use the 275bhp V6 turbodiesel. Because 40mpg impresses voters more than a Supercharger. A proper good modern car.

Ageing N*Sync star and famous ex-fondler of Britney’s Spears, Justin Timberlake, has long been known as the main ambassador of Audi’s A1, and now it’s getting serious – he’s going to star in six short films to promote the car ahead of its UK launch in October.

The first episode shows Justin (who in the film is actually called John), enjoying a coffee while chatting to a bossy sounding fellow on the phone. Rather annoyingly for Justin, sorry… John, the conversation with the bossy man is interrupted by an abrupt woman who happens to be under fire. He helps the abrupt woman escape from the cafe before being told to drive her away in her Audi A1. The moral? The Audi A1 will be bought by abrupt woman who can’t drive the thing with heels on.

Who knows what the next episode will bring. Does abrupt woman accidentally call John Justin? Will abrupt woman calm down? Will we find out who bossy man is? Will Justin do some acting? Will he get his computer back from the cafe? Will the abrupt lady learn to drive her own car? Well, all those questions and possibly more will be answered when the next episode is released in a week’s time – check back here to find out. Can’t wait.