Remember the now infamous Chevrolet Volt song performed at the LA Auto Show? Organised (and apparently choreographed) by GM themselves, the song and dance below actually happened in real life and obviously didn’t do the company’s reputation any favours. At least they’re not spending their US Government bail-out money on expensive Brian Friedman productions with gymnasts and fire – they got the PR department work experience kids to do it for free:

To make sure GM don’t further ruin Saab’s already shaky/doomed future with a similar musical travesty, a Saab fan has penned his own song, ‘Griffin Up’, which is ‘meant to inspire Saab fans worldwide to keep their hopes up and make a difference’. Despite probably making the song and video on his own with nothing more than GarageBand and some stock footage, he’s managed to produce a more polished product than General Motors managed in their entirity. Obviously it’s still a bit odd though:

GM have taken heed too. Instead of simply shutting the company for good, they’ll open the factory in the new year to make cars that have already been ordered. The Spyker offer is still being considered, as is the possibility of building the new 9-5 as a Buick – although neither look like particularly good prospects for Saab themselves.

To really save Saab, ‘Griffin Up’ needs to be released as a charity record, with the millions of 79p purchases going straight to Saab’s Swedish management – then they could buy the company back from GM and put the new 9-5 into production themselves. Once back on their feet, the ‘Griffin Up’ song could be remixed and called ‘Griffin Up Yours, GM’, as a fitting gesture to the company that nearly killed them. Now, where’s Simon Cowell…

Very soon, V6 engines will only exist in the glowing nostalgia of our motoring minds. They’re too big, too heavy and too polluting for the stressy types that invent emissions regulations to tolerate. Like Alf Garnett, they had a time and a place – but now we need more of The Good Life. Clean, self-sufficient… and less prone to offensive outbursts of hot air.

So lets welcome the Alfa Romeo 159 with a brand new 1750TBi engine: a turbocharged, direct injection, 1742cc four cylinder unit which is basically that Barbara woman played by Felicity Kendal; green, friendly, and efficient. While the 1750 isn’t technically a replacement for the 159’s V6, it may as well be: 110kg lighter, just as torquey and despite having 200bhp to the V6’s 260bhp, still able to hit 62mph in less than 8 seconds. Perhaps more important to Felicity Kendal though are the enviro-stats: 35mpg to the V6’s 25mpg, and 189g/km of CO2 to 260g/km. On paper at least, the V6 is already dead.

But Alfas aren’t about making sense on paper. Equally important to the engine’s success is its ability to back-up the Kendal pleasing stats with some pleasing Kendal sexiness – green or not, it still needs to drive like its bright red.

The first thing you notice is that it’s got the torque response of a diesel – because of some clever valve timing and airflow, the turbo spools up and thrusts away from as low as 1,400rpm. And just as you think it’s going to run out of breath like a derv-sucker, it picks up again as the power takes over and chucks you on even further still. While the surge might not stretch much past 5,000rpm, the new engine feels flexible, tractable and linear… but somehow it misses out on the sense of drama you’d hope for. Despite the grunt, the 1750TBi doesn’t have the soul or soundtrack to tickle the synapses.

This competent but uninspiring aura is reinforced by the chassis. Thanks to some mild tweaks to the steering, the 159 is still a reasonable car to chuck about, but a soft throttle response and artificially heavy steering never offer a tingling link to what the wheels and engine are actually up to. It does have price on it’s side though – starting at £21,800, you’d have to spend £5k more to get a similarly quick BMW 3 Series.

While the smart but bland engine might occasionally leave you pining for a bout of inappropriate Alf Garnett V6ism, it has prevented the 159 from slipping too far behind its German enemies. Somehow though, the improvements make the Alfa Romeo seem topsy turvey: praised for its engineering and criticised for its lack of personality. It’s got the morals, looks and efficiency of that Kendal character – but is missing the naughty little smile.

Boom Boom Pow! Peugeot have finally come up with a 7 seater MPV to take on the likes of Zafira! 5008? It’s so 5,000 and late! The question on every contraceptionally-challenged person’s lips is this; is it better late than never or bettered by Picasso? Auto Exclamation finds out!

First things first – even the third row of seats are usable by humans with limbs! It’s an achievement! And they easily fold flat into the boot floor when your limb-heavy human friends are at home! Double achievement! Immediately there’s more space than the S-Max, Picasso or Zafira brethren! 5,000 and great!

And the rest of the cabin doesn’t inspire any 5,000 and hate either! In between the front seats is a cubby so big you could hide a baby in it! The chrome trinkets and neat clickability of the buttons are also something to 5,000 and rate – it’s got the quality of an interior that isn’t French! The only irritation that could 5,000 and grate is how the rakishly sloped dash can make some switches tricky to reach – it’s not a car for the short of arm!

On the black-top it’s smooth, light, accurate and bright – especially with the optional panoramic roof! Hurl it about with a lackadaisical regard for the kids and you’ll feel its 5,000 and weight, but it’s a nicer steer than a Picasso or Zafira, and not far off the S-Max! Engine power comes from 1.6 or 2.0 sizes of petrol or diesel; the diesel motors are £1,500 dearer than the petrols, but you’ll be glad about buying the extra torque with a van full of sprogs! We’d have the 150bhp HDi; 250lb ft, 0-62mph in 10 secs and 48.7mpg sounds good for a bus!

It’s time to talk readies! How much is on the 5,000 and slate? The cheapest needs just £16,895 to coax from the Pug man’s hands – but you’ll have plastic wheel trims and no panoramic roof! Don’t fret though! The roof is a £350 option for Sport spec and comes for free in top Exclusive trim – £21k will get you the best engine, Sport spec and big glass! It’s no more expensive than the rivals!

What to say to the original question then – is it better late than never or bettered by Picasso? We say it’s better late than never! The 5008 might not be the most punctual of the MPV class, but it’s certainly a fast learner with an interior that gets a gold star! If you’re a daddy in need of a baby caddy, you should canter down the Pug shop Boom Boom Now!

Digesting the news… then spewing it out in 60 words

Everyone’s favourite ridiculous car company Rinspeed released pictures of their electric  ‘UC?’ concept, which has a 75 mile range. American owned Kepler Motors showed off their 789bhp hybrid supercar which they claim will do 60mph in 2.5 secs. And Saab are showing signs of resurrection, with Spyker conjuring a new deal which GM have until Monday to consider and accept.

GM has announced that it is closing Saab, after the deal to sell the loss-making brand to Spyker collapsed. Architects and a small group of other people with interesting personalities are still Saabing into their Alessi mugs.

The company was put up for sale earlier this year, with General Motors not having the cash to support it. Koenigsegg initially showed interest in a purchase, but backed out before any money changed hands. With Spyker doing the same, GM has decided it can’t support the company any longer and will start winding down operations immediately, with the loss of over 3,000 jobs.

Any current warranties of UK cars will be honoured by Vauxhall dealers, and all the firms bills will be settled before it is finally closed down.While recent cars have lacked character due to the extensive platform sharing and budget cutting enforced by GM, it’s very sad news to see a company with such history and identity lost. The only potential good news is the possibility of some bargain pre-registered 9-5s and 9-3s that need to be shifted – a £15k Saab 9-3 Aero 2.0T is an interesting prospect…

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The hilariously named British supercar-mongers Climax Cars revealed a racer/supercar to take on the Ariel Atom V8 and KTM X-Bow – it’ll cost less than £100k and have a Ford V8. It was rumoured that Geely will finish buying Volvo from Ford by February 2010. And Mercedes GP CEO Nick Fry said he wanted Schumacher to drive for them next year.

Car execs find it hard to work out what makes young people tick. The fickle world of style and fashion can’t be unravelled and recreated by pulling together the ticked boxes of a survey of 25 year olds. You have to earn it.

Audi obviously haven’t got time to evolve their brand to appeal to youngsters, so they’ve tried a different tactic for next year’s A1 – leak out a photo of the car with Justin Timberlake in front of it. And leak it into the world through Facebook . Justin Timberlake and Facebook are cool, so surely now the A1 is too? Not convinced – when we saw the A1 at Goodwood this summer it did look effortlessly smart, understated – and yup, perhaps cool. But now it’s at the risk of trying too hard.

Hoxton Fin

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Mini released pictures of their ‘Beachcomber’ concept car, hinting at what the 2010 Mini Countryman would look like if it didn’t have any doors – i.e. slightly daft. Bugatti showed off three largely irrelevant Veyron special editions, which they will only sell in the Middle East. And Donato Coco, previously the design boss of Ferrari, joined Lotus as Director of Design.

Have you ever wondered what an Aston Martin DBS would look like if it had been eaten up and shat out by a hippo? Of course you have. And you probably concluded that it would look exactly like this:

It’s the new Aston Martin Cygnet – currently still a concept, but production at the end of next year is crushingly inevitable. Based on a Toyota iQ, the ugly swan will at first only be offered to buyers of proper Aston Martins, like some sort of branded trinket, with general sale likely to follow.

Under the hilariously vented bonnet is the iQ’s 97bhp 1.3VTi engine, which spins the spacky little bird to 62mph in 11.8 seconds. Far more important than any attempt at performance is the paltry CO2 figure of 113g/km, which will bring down Aston’s range average in anticipation of the 2015 130g/km target set by the EC. Manufacturers will face financial penalties if their range exceeds the average figure.

Obviously, it’s a good thing that Aston are going some way to avoid financial penalties… but there must be a better looking, less cynical and more dignified way of achieving it. Perhaps they should start selling cars without any engines at all – looking at a beautifully sculpted, non-polluting original Aston has to be better than driving a grim-faced brand-corrupting Toyota based Aston. Please don’t put it on general sale. Please.

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Alfa Romeo revealed a jazzed over, matt black version of the Brera made in conjunction with designer label Italia Independent. Ford tweaked the S-Max and Galaxy, giving both cars a new ‘Ecoboost’ turbocharged 2.0 petrol with around 200bhp but 189g/km of CO2, as well as upgraded diesels and funked cosmetics. And Ferrari said Schumacher was free to leave their contract.

Digesting the news… then spewing it out in 60 words

BMW released pictures of their new 335bhp top-spec Z4, the sDrive 35is, which will get to 62mph in less time than it takes to say its name. The Beijing Automobile Industry Holding Company bought the rights and tools to the Saab 9-3 and 9-5, but didn’t buy the company. And Mercedes said they would have an electric SLS by 2013.

For the last two years, anybody with £25k could have bought themselves a brand new Mazda CX-7. And there are plenty of reasons why they should have done – it’s a good-looking, well-built, smartly priced crossover that’s secretly incredibly capable. Think of it as the BMW X6’s long lost Japanese cousin, without all the brash idiocy. Big and slightly pointless – but very good.

Except because it was only available with the 2.3 litre turbocharged petrol from the Mazda3 MPS, nobody bought one because it would only do about 20mpg. Mazda have realised this and made amends by ditching the petrol engine altogether, now only offering the CX-7 with a 170bhp 2.2 litre diesel. Which means it will do over 30mpg.

But that’s not all – Mazda are making further amends by fitting the new car with an AdBlue system, one of the first available in the UK. Hidden in the boot is a 15l tank of a chemical that’s one-third urea and two-thirds de-mineralised water – basically, it’s piss. The piss is squirted into the exhaust system, where it reacts with the gases and reduces the car’s NO_x. It won’t improve the mpg or reduce your tax bill, but it will lower the amount of nasty stuff coming out the back of the car. A full 15l tank should last 15,000miles and is best refilled when the car is serviced.

And it’s not just a diesel engine and tub of piss that have improved the CX-7 – the outside has been smartened up with new lights, grills and chrome. Inside is tidy too, with everything chucked in as standard for the £25,785 price; heated leather seats, cruise and climate control and Mazda’s usual excellent Bose stereo. Also standard is a sat-nav that despite having the smallest screen ever seen by man, is actually very clear and useable. The styling, ergonomics and materials are all similar to the previous version, but somehow more polished.

Which is exactly how to describe the way the CX-7 drives. Thanks to some better welding and higher quality steel, it feels lighter than its 1800kg weight suggests, and tighter than the previous version. The steering is over-light but gives decent feedback, while the gearchange and general flightiness are just what you’d expect from a Mazda. The new engine feels strong too, with 295lb ft of torque useable from basically anywhere – it’s a very easy engine to drive, although it does get gruff when punched out of its comfort zone.

Yet, despite the CX-7 broadening its horizons with a diesel engine and pot of pee, it’s still going to struggle to sell in massive quantities. Crossovers are bought for badges and status as much as for quality and dynamics – and while an X1 is smaller and no better built, it does have a BMW badge on the front for no extra cash. Mazda have made the CX-7 a much more sensible prospect; it’s just a shame they can’t give its potential buyers enough sense to appreciate it.

Yes, we know it’s now Monday so this is old news… but we went to the pub on Friday and have only just left. So, for the sake of continuity, here’s Friday’s news on Monday:

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Some Formula 1 news happened: Renault sold 75% of its team to an unnamed buyer, keeping 25% for itself; and the points system was changed with 25 points for 1^st place, down to 1 point for 10^th. There were rumours of Kia making a rear-drive coupe, based on the Hyundai Genesis. And pictures of Honda’s CR-Z leaked onto the internet.

Digesting the news… then spewing it out in 60 words

Obscure supercar manufacturer Spyker replaced obscure supercar manufacturer Koenigsegg as the likeliest potential buyers of Saab. Aston Martin facelifted their V8 Vantage, with new wheels, grills and seats as well as an ECU remap and revised gear ratios which drop the CO2 to 315g/km. And pictures of the upcoming Mercedes E-Class emerged, showing off its trick windscreen mounted air deflector.

With talk of the drink drive limit being reduced from 80 to 50mg of alcohol per 100 ml of blood, it’s safe to assume that the Police will be feeling pretty strict right now. Especially as it’s Christmas.

So, the chap below stood no chance of making it home without a very, very hard slap to the wrist. Pissing on the car while waving your hands before driving off isn’t exactly subtle. The idiot.

Digesting the news… then spewing it out in 60 words

It was discovered that Land Rover are planning a Range Rover Sport hybrid capable of emitting less than 100g/km of CO2, to go on sale in 2012. Jaguar came top of the US JD Power customer satisfaction survey, with Cadillac second. And Chancellor Alistair Darling announced that electric cars will be exempt from company car tax, in his pre-budget report.

Owners of the last shape Mazda3 MPS spent just as much time defending their cars against cynical mates as they did driving them. Banging on about the 256bhp power output, 6.1 second 0-62mph time and 155mph top speed, they were adamant that because it had better stats than a Golf GTi, the MPS was a better car. Sadly, their mates knew otherwise. The old car looked bland, felt synthetic and squirmed its power away with embarrassingly premature wheelspin. So, perhaps this new one can redress the balance and give its owners some more sophisticated grounds to argue on.

Encouragingly, all the key numbers have stayed exactly the same. Power, acceleration and top speed benchmarks are all identical to the last one, from the same 2.3 litre turbocharged four cylinder engine. All the work has gone into making it lighter and more rigid. So, in not worrying about making it look more impressive on paper, have Mazda made it more impressive on tarmac?

Being based on the current Focus, it’s got a crisp balance, a well-judged blend between roll control and pliancy, and decently chatty steering. It feels better resolved, more sophisticated and smarter than the last one – but it’s still not as accomplished as a Megane, Golf or Focus hotty. The better ride and awesome speed do mean we’d have an MPS over a Civic Type-R though.

And there’s still no getting away from the insanity going on at the front wheels. Any camber, rut or grease will be sniffed out and followed like a hunting hound to fox piss. On dry country roads it’s fun chasing the car down the route it wants to take, but on anything damp it’s a pain – even on what look like straight roads, you’ll be tugging against the torque as the boost comes in at 2,500rpm. Despite having limited torque output in first and second gears, and despite an LSD and torque-sensing software that adjusts the grunt depending on your steering inputs, it too often shows exactly why Ford invented Revoknuckle.

But the new MPS doesn’t rely on paper stats anywhere near as heavily as the previous car – despite the common faults, it comes closer to feeling like a well-rounded, controllable and dynamically talented hot hatch than before. Add an enormous kit list with parking sensors, bi-xenon lights, a cracking Bose hi-fi, leather everything and sat nav to a low £21,500 price and it starts to look like a sensible buy. The looks, even though it’s only available in practical but uncool 5dr, finally do the frenetic power delivery justice.

So, while even new MPS owners will need to defend their car to their mates, they’ll be able to put up a much stronger argument. It’s still no class leader, but offers incredible value, is incredibly quick and  much of the time frantic fun. If you’re the type who likes to end an argument with an arm wrestle, it could be just what you’re looking for.

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Renault owned Romanian budget-meisters Dacia unveiled their new and erotically utilitarian Duster – a Yeti sized wagon that might yet come to the UK. A group of old Ford executives put together a bid to buy Volvo, rivalling current favourite purchaser Geely. And news of another wrecked supercar did the rounds, as some chap stuffed his Zonda in Hong Kong.

Buying a Fiat Coupe in the 1990s was very similar to buying a mail order bride. The glossy brochures were full of slick beauty and love-you-long-time reliability, but reality was often very different – erratic behaviour quickly led to a catastrophic falling out, with the occasional spilling of fluids.

But, mood swings aside, there was never any doubt about the Fiat Coupe’s intentions. From the Pininfarina lines, to the pointy front-drive handling, it was a proper sports car. And now, just as the flakiest brides have already had their vows absolved, the flakiest Fiats have long since ascended to the scrappy in the sky, leaving just the ones we should be lusting over. But what to buy?

Simple. Only buy a Coupe with the later 5-cylinder engine – quicker, newer and better sounding. They’re usually referred to as 20v models, and replaced the earlier four-pot cars in November 1996, staying on sale until 2000. There are two versions – the naturally aspirated 147bhp 20v, and the ruddy quick 220bhp 20v Turbo. You want a turbo more than your pervy uncle wants a Thai bride, for incredibly good reasons…

Even now, a 0-62mph time of 6.5 seconds and a top whoosh of 155mph sound unfeasibly quick. And while they might slither and tug with the type of torque steer that could dislocate your wrists, they’re actually very agile and accurate to hustle about. The Coupe might miss out on the rear-drive cheek of an MX-5, but the payback is extra speed, a smarter interior and, of course, some little Pininfarina badges finishing it off like Cindy Crawford’s mole.

Some advice. First, you need to find out if you can afford the insurance – the 20v is a group 17, while the 20v Turbo is a ridiculous 18. If you can stomach what the cartoon elephant quotes you, then the price of the actual car will be no problem – a tidy 20v Turbo can be had from just £2k.

Before getting anywhere near a test drive, make sure the car comes with the red key. Sounds daft, but a new set of locks and keys can be £1000 without it. Other than that, the biggest potential life-ruiners are the cambelt, exhaust manifold and, in the case of the 20V Turbo… the turbo.

The cam belt ideally needs doing every 36k miles, and is massively fiddly and expensive. While it doesn’t have to be an engine-out job it’ll still cost around £750 so look for proof of it being done. The exhaust manifold can crack, which is very hard to spot; any rattling or blowing are sure signs, but they’re the worst case scenario – if you don’t think you could spot a problem, get someone cleverer to have a look. Finally, the turbo oil seals can perish, giving off blue smoke at idle… so make sure it’s running clean or you’ll need a new one.

Find a bright red one with a full history file, a recent cambelt change and tidy bodywork and you’ll have an excellent value Italian sports car that makes the MR-2 and Celica look cold and soulless. This Coupe love you long time.