the 37th best motoring website in the world
Alfa Romeo announced they’re changing the name of their upcoming Milano to Giulietta, after sacked Milan workers moaned about how inappropriate the original name was. Audi announced their Mini rivalling A1 will cost between £13k and £20k when it goes on sale at the end of 2010. And Jaguar Land Rover made £41.3m of actual profit in the last quarter.
To make Toyota feel slightly better about missing out on the Car of the Year paperweight, we’ve put together a man-friendly list of the worst ever winning cars – because it’s not like the judges haven’t got it wrong before. See this as a best of the worst – a thoroughly British way of celebrating mediocre shitness. So, in reverse order…
3. Vauxhall Insignia - 2009
The wound is still fresh on this one. The Insignia isn’t a bad car, but come on… it’s not even the best in its class, never mind the best car released all year. It may have only pipped the thoroughly excellent Ford Fiesta into second place by a single point, but there’s rarely been a more misleading point in COTY history.
The Car of the Year 2010 gong has been handed to the VW Polo, sparking a raging debate over what’s less imaginative – the car, or the decision to give it victory. The little Volkswagen pipped the thoroughly interesting Toyota iQ into second place by 10 points, with many pundits claiming Toyota ‘was robbed’, and that the whole scenario is almost as unfair as Ireland not qualifying for the World Cup because of Thierry Henry’s hand ball. Obviously VW didn’t cheat (corruption and bribes have definitely never played a part in the judgement process), but they have got bloody lucky.
Closer inspection of the results shows that the Polo was voted the best car by 25 of the 59 judges, and received a total score of 347 against the iQ’s 24 win votes and 337 points. Here’s a run down of the total scores:
Readers with unusual memories, or the ability to click here, will no doubt be keen to point out that the Citroen C3 Picasso which we expected to be fighting the iQ for the top spot actually came last. We’d still have voted iQ first and C3 Picasso first. So there.
Volkswagen were reported to be thinking about supplying Formula One engines from 2012. The Phoenix Four Rover ruiners returned £3,000,000 to MG, after an out of court discussion about how treacherous they are. And the Russian government announced they’d pump £1billion into Lada’s parent company Avtovaz, in exchange for Renault (who own 25% of the company) providing some new technology.
More details emerged about GM’s European job cuts, with news that around 4,200 jobs will be lost between two plants in Germany while 354 are lost from Luton and none at all from Ellesmere Port. Michael Schumacher’s manager said he is fit enough to race in F1 next year. And MG’s Chinese owners pledged to build the MG6 in Birmingham
GM announced 9,000 jobs cuts across Europe – 60% will come from Germany, with the rest spread between the UK, Belgium, Spain and Poland. Mercedes and Renault announced that they’re working together to produce a rear-engined city car platform, ready by 2013. Renault also revealed the Gordini Twingo Renaultsport, the first of a range of specials reviving the historic Gordini name.
It’s been destruction derby day at EuroNCAP, with the release of their latest crash test ratings – we see it as our duty to bring you what we learnt from today’s findings.
Well… we learnt that there need to be more stars.
Out of the 12 cars tested, only two didn’t receive the top 5 stars overall. The Mazda3, Infiniti FX, Citroen DS3, Mercedes GLK, Vauxhall Astra, Peugeot 5008, Mercedes E-Class, VW Scirocco, Chevrolet Cruze and BMW X1 all got the full quota.
The dunces were the Toyota Urban Cruiser with 3 stars and Chevrolet Spark with 4. In fairness, Toyota are having a stern word with EuroNCAP as they think there might be some discrepancies. The dropped marks come from a poor performance in the ‘pole side impact’ test.
Anyway, we know that what you really want is to see some crashes – so here’s the 5 star Mercedes E-Class and the 3 star Urban Cruiser… it’s like a morbid spot-the-difference.
If you’d like to see the full test results in a more thorough manner, then get clicking on these yellow words.
Koenigsegg pulled out of buying Saab from GM, explaining that the process had taken much longer than they thought – code for ‘yeah, actually…Saab are past saving now’. Richard Noble’s marvellous Bloodhound SSC mob announced they’ll be making their 1,000mph attempt on the Hakskeen Pan, South Africa in 2011. And Graham Goode Racing revealed a hilariously tuned Focus RS with 368bhp.
If you’re like us, you’ll have a habit of equating hot hatches with various genres of dance. The art of choreographed leaping shares a lot with the art of making shopping cars go quickly: an appreciation of rhythm; the visceral sense of power; the demand for agility… and, if you’re really doing it right, an emotional twinge. So, lets find out what the Ibiza Cupra Bocanegra is dancing to.
Could it be ballet? The daintiest and most technically nuanced discipline, mastered by the Seat’s Renaultsport Clio 200 rival. Warming up in pink tights, the Ibiza looks good – at £16,695 it’s a few hundred quid cheaper than the Clio, even after the £700 face-job of this Bocanegra edition. It looks meaner as it enters the dance floor too… but a flat-footed plie reveals an early unwillingness to ping around on Clio tippy toes. It looks nervous.
After some perseverance, the Ibiza livens up – but never quite matches the Renault’s dainty flair. The chassis has fallen victim to its own uptight stiffness; there’s so much rigidity that it can’t show off with the fluid rhythm of the quick Clio. Despite an electronic diff controlling the footwork, it ain’t no ballerina. Far too hard for all that flouncing about.
So, seeing as it’s too rigid for ballet, does it prefer a more regimented line dance? Thankfully not – it’s got too much energy. With a super- and turbo-charger strapped onto the little 1.4, the 178bhp Ibiza is an addictively meaty dance partner, with 184lb ft of torque twisting your hips from just 2,000rpm. It’s muscly, grunty and keen – a 7.2 second 0-62mph time is too quick for line dancing, so let’s move on before a biddy has a heart attack and spoils it for everyone.
Flamenco? A bit of gregarious hand-clapping and shouting seems right up the Ibiza’s street, and not just for lazy Spanish metaphors. While a Clio 200 would sneer at the castanets and nylon strung guitars for not being highbrow enough, the Ibiza is happy to get stuck in, grabbing you by the shirt frills and plying you with sangria. Tune into the dance and you’ll note the tactile steering and grinning enthusiasm as it sticks to the floor with grippy dancing shoes.
But still, even flamenco’s not quite right… there’s too much precision from the DSG gearbox – it wants to dance to something tighter. The double clutch system perfectly choreographs the Ibiza’s routine – whether in flappy paddle manual or subtle auto, there’s a chunky momentum to progress as everything works together and draws you in. The meaty sound, torquey pull and tactile steering make it feel like a mini-Scirocco. A proper grown-up.
And it’s the visceral, grunty nod to the Scirocco school of dance that reveals what the Cupra has been thumping along to all night. It might not be the most refined or dainty discipline – but balls to the bloody ballet. The Ibiza is having a laugh on a West End stage, banging bin lids and smacking broomsticks in shouty unison – the Cupra Bocanegra is dancing to the hard, visceral and addictive… Stomp the Musical.
Cadillac announced a coupe version of their geometric CTS saloon, which will go on sale in America next year – UK availability is unconfirmed. Volkswagen said they’ll open a new factory in 2011, which bodes well for the future production of their BlueSport roadster. And the Phoenix Four angered Birmingham by receiving £2.5 million each from the ruins of MG. Swines.
The first official pictures of the brand new F10 BMW 5 Series are still warm from the printer, and we’re looking at them.
Out goes Chris Bangle’s trademark funky rump, to be replaced with a slicker, smoother and smarter back end inspired by the 7 Series. Round the front is more slick smoothness, with a nose that’s half 3 Series and half Z4 – which is good. As much as we might miss the angry angles of the outgoing E90, and as much as it still looks amazingly modern, we think the new F10 is exactly what a 5 Series should look like… and perhaps the softer lines means a softer ride. Fingers crossed.
There will be seven engines at launch – three diesel and four petrol. The new bottom feeder is a 1995cc 520d which manages 0-62 in 8.1 secs, rising to the twin turbo V8 petrol 550i which sprints the benchmark in five seconds dead. Most impressive sounding though is the 242bhp 530d which yumps the 0-62mph jog in just 6.3sec, but will also do 44mpg. That’s very clever. We’ll have that one.
Attaching the wheels to the road is a double-wishbone coil-sprung front supension in place of the old car’s MacPherson struts, and multi-link rear suspenson. BMW say it’ll have a more composed ride than the current car, but be as lightfooted as a 3 Series… great. Although it’s a little bit worrying that they’ve fitted a less feelsome electric power steering system, instead of hydraulic.
It’ll go on sale in March 2010, with the cheapest 520d SE costing £28,615 with leather seats for free. The cheapest petrol, the 523i SE, pokes its nose above the £30k barrier which is a shame, costing £30,560. A 550i with all the spec will still cost as much as a row of terraced houses in Macclesfield, and will only appeal to bank robbers who need to get rid of their stash using the subtle landslide of crushing depreciation.
Overall, it looks smart, clean and modern with an interior that’s exactly as you’d imagine. Less garishly vulgar than a new E-Class and more athletic looking than an Audi A6 – there might be a niggling twinge of disappointment over the fact that it will never inspire love/hate pub bust ups like the old E90, but perhaps that’s the point. Instead of being an excellent car with looks you have to justify, it should be an excellent car with looks you barely notice.
In a slow news day, there was a small furore around Autocar’s discovery of some Ferrari patent drawings showing a new door design – hinged at the wing, opening diagonally upwards. Crazy Dutch car-maker Spyker will move their manufacturing to crazy… Coventry. And Bernie Ecclestone gave Silverstone until the 11th December to finalise the deal on hosting the 2010 British GP.
BMW announced that they’ll be sending some Minis to Goodwood next year, where they’ll be re-trimmed and embellished by Rolls Royce, then sold on for lots more money. Lee Noble’s new non-Noble supercar company was Christened Fenix – presumably to avoid Phoenix/Pheonix debates. And Vauxhall announced some evolutionary tweaks to the Corsa, trying in vein keep up with the Fiesta.
Remove your off-road hate veils readers – here’s an SUV that’s trying to be nice! Meet the Volvo XC60 DRIVe – a cheaper version of Volvo’s 4×4 that’s turned environ-mental! A green-leaning SUV? It’s even more deceptive than Derren Brown’s monthly murder mystery night!
So let’s play the murder mystery! What’s the crime and who’s the killer? Here’s the crime! Compared to a standard XC60 with the same diesel engine, it does 6mpg more and produces 24g CO2 less! Yes! From the same engine! So who’s the emission murderer?
The culprits are easy to find! A green-tinged ECU, longer legged gears and a torque-twiddled turbo all look guilty on a spec sheet! And there’s 30bhp less than the standard car! They’re certainly accessories to murder! But 47.1mpg and 159g CO2? Emission killers like that are used elsewhere and never have such a massive effect! We need to look deeper!
Is it whooshy aerodynamics? No! Is it slippy gearbox oil? No! Is it a rear diffuser on the edge of regulations? No! Think it’s getting hard to find the murderer? Don’t!
Sorry Derren, but we’ve got it! The Volvo XC60 DRIVe isn’t actually a 4×4! You’re no better at hiding emission murderers than you are at tricking casinos! Pulling out of a greasy junction will betray the criminal! Slippy, trampy, juddery cack wheelspin! That’s our emission killer! The 2WD transmission – it’s going straight to Derren’s imaginary mind trick goatie jail!
So, has the emission killing 2WD criminal made the XC60 DRIVe a worse car? The answer is the same as the answer to ‘is Derren Brown’s murder mystery night actually fun?’! It’s a no! The DRIVe is the best XC60 on sale! It still lollops with a blandly decent gait – but Derren’s DRIVe is £2k cheaper than the rest! £25,395! It might slip its front wheels more, but just like Derren, nobody really cares!
Button was confirmed as Hamilton’s chief visor-wiper/team mate at McLaren, Raikkonen mumbled about having next year off and the world rumoured about Schumacher driving for Mercedes GP. Also, new GM Europe boss, British Nick Reilly, spoke some rare positive words about keeping Ellesmere Port and Luton plants open, as well as potentially producing the Vauxhall Ampera in one of them.
Noting the international coverage Bugatti gained from their Texan lake videos, Ferrari president Luca Montezemolo performed his own incident in a Ferrari California.
Unfortunately, despite having his 2010 F1 drivers Alonso and Massa in the back, it looked rubbish compared to driving a Veyron into a lake. The moral of the story? Always carry a low flying pelican.
Hyundai unveiled a facelifted Santa Fe SUV with a better engine, less enviro-poison and a lower price – starting at £21,495. Peugeot confirmed that they’ll join Citroen in releasing an electric Mitsubishi i-MiEV clone next year, which they’ll call the iOn. And a Spanish newspaper said that Schumacher won’t be advising Ferrari F1 next year. It was a slow news day.
