on the sidewalls

Never ask anyone whether or not they think hybrid cars are a good idea. The response will go through 360 degrees of nonsense, settle on ‘well, if that’s what you’re into’, then spear off on a tangent about falafal and quinoa. Are they intelligent examples of eco-engineering? Cynical marketing wagons designed to earn a green brand halo? Common sense stop-gaps before internal combustion goes the way of the steam engine?

To avoid this quagmire and judge whether or not the new Honda Insight makes sense, you need to sidestep all the technology. It doesn’t matter how well designed the insulating tape is, how impressively it manages to avoid catching fire, or even how many engines it’s got – invisible technology isn’t enough to make people open their purse.

The new Honda Insight just needs to be cheap, frugal, comfy and stylish – a bit like a diesel hatchback, but better. Also, because Toyota’s rival Prius is seen as the hybrid pioneer (despite the Insight mk1 actually going on sale a year earlier), it needs to be better than one of those too.

Let’s get down to the green that really matters; money. When the Insight goes on sale it will cost around £15,000, making it at least £2,000 cheaper than the boggiest Prius. It’s also within 2mpg of the Prius’ combined cycle and 5mpg better than the Toyota on the urban cycle, at 61.4 – that’s what economists call less expensive to buy and run, so it wins.

But when you start comparing the Insight to proper diesel hatchbacks, even the super-economy BrownMotion derivatives, plain old money doesn’t seem persuasive enough. The Honda’s main problem is that it feels exactly like a cheap Japanese hatchback that’s been built down to a price.

It starts with that crappy staple of all cars not made in Europe – plastic. It’s not a bad colour, doesn’t smell, creak or look like it was made in Tandy, but the scratchy and brittle surfaces fail to live up to the sparklingly modern skin on the outside.

If you hit the dashboard of a Golf with a rubber mallet, you’d expect a muted thud before it bounced off – do the same in an Insight and you’d smash a hole through it. Although, smashing a hole through the over-buttoned and fiddly stereo/sat nav/Amstrad computer thing wouldn’t be the end of the world, as you’d then have good reason to buy a new one that wasn’t stupid.

On the road, the unforgiving Japanese tactility continues – although here there are payoffs. The ride is less refined than a Prius or Golf, but instead of it feeling brittle, you get the impression that it’s been deliberately engineered. The upside is taut handling with steering that’s communicative enough to stop you from loathing being at the helm of such a green wagon – it can’t match the agility of a Ford Focus but still eggs you on to drive enthusiastically. Which is when you’ll encounter the Insight’s most persuasive piece of new technology…

An eco-psycologist lives inside the dashboard, coaching you on the best way to protect the climatic well-being of your children. If you drive like a bank-robber, 5 little trees on the display start to lose their leaves – they’ve each got two in total, and once they’re gone you have to drive super carefully to earn them back. I was genuinely too scared to see what happened if all the leaves fell off. And if that wasn’t enough, the speedo will glow a dark moody blue if you’re burning too much petrol, fading to friendly green if you’re careful.

With features like that, it’d be fairly easy to nurture a very severe hatred for such a patronising car – but in reality, such gimmicks tie the Insight together as enjoyably interactive. And, while the 1.3 litre 87bhp petrol engine and 14bhp electric motor are never going to tear your scalp off (especially with the moaning CVT box), Honda have ensured the motor’s low-rev flexibility and throttle response are subtle enough to allow pleasantly nuanced control.

With such subtlety and the natty computer game trees, the Insight is actually more fun to drive slowly than it is quickly – which, unlike a Prius, gives the Insight a purpose. Talking about driver involvement will usually involve cars like the Lotus Elise and Porsche Cayman – but to normal humans, the Insight is actually more involving than either of them.

You don’t care about the 12.5 second 0-62mph run, or 113mph top speed – the only benchmark you want to achieve is a beautiful example of topiary from your five computer trees and 60mpg after some equally detailed trimming of your throttle inputs.

Ultimately, the Insight doesn’t do that well at being an economical family car – it’s not classy, refined or fast enough to give a diesel Focus or Golf anything to worry about. By those rules, it fails Honda’s mission to bring hybrids into the aspirations of normal families. Basically, if your mum sat in it she wouldn’t like it and, therefore, wouldn’t let your dad buy it.

But, because it’s started a little rule-book all of its own about green motoring, driver involvement and the cost of hybrid technology, it’s become the first hybrid to actually have a point. It’s not just a piece of technology to argue over, it’s a technology to interact, play and have clean green fun with. OK, so adding some LCD trees to a diesel Focus would ultimately create a higher quality car with just as much sense – but the Insight is an effective enough eco-bully to mark it out as something interesting and worthwhile. If that’s what you’re into.

If you thought the Hyundai i30 hatchback was loaded with comfy Korean competence, then you’re in for a fat load of shock – it’s now got more loadspace for even more spacey competency! Enter the i30 Estate! Auto Exclamation dumps its load and gives you the load-down!

While the recent crop of Korean Hyundai puppies are loaded with sense and good-will, you still only buy them if you’re short of cashloads! Luckily, the Hyundai till doesn’t ask much for an i30 Estate – it’s a load off your financial mind! The cheapest i30 Estate can be coaxed out of the Hyundai man’s hands for just £13,120 – £2,000 cheaper than the least loaded Ford Focus Estate!

Because of its inexpensiveness, Auto Exclamation would wackily recommend blowing your load on the priciest 1.6CRDi Premium model… top spec loady madness! In the big bucks super model, you get alloyed wahoos, a diesel to cruise and heated seats that made moos! When you’re only asked to unload £16,345 it’s not hard to feel like Mr Lucky to Choose! Think of a Focus with similar loading and the nearly £20k ticket will feel like necks in a noose!

If you think that steering the dog-munching cheapie would make sad-times, you’re a Jim Davidson faced racist! While the i30 Estate can’t load you up with funability like a blue oval hearse, it makes you think in different tongues! You go in expecting rubbery, woolly, inaccurate blandness… but then come out with well weighted, comfy riding, posh-toff plushness! Trueness will say that dampings and cornerings miss the last load of cheekability – but it’s for loads of kit, not loads of laughs! Happy times carrying sappy pines!

113 horses unload themselves gaily from the 1.6 litre stable – that might look pony on paper, but on tarmac you never want the horses to suck ‘roids! Torquing comes through loud and clear with 173lb being loads enough to pull you, without making you need to shout loads to hear! And, we all know that the fewer the horses, the more civilised the drinking… 57.6mpg is quoted for a day of combined horsing!

But, what about the rear end loading? Well, you’ve got nothing to be embarrassed about but nothing to shout about! Filling the i30 estate with water would involve wasting 415 litres – that’s only 67 less than a same-rear Focus, but a big loady loader 119 less than the Korean faced samer Kia Cee’d SW! If carrying loose water is your job, get the sister Kia!

And it’s the Korean faced samer that’s the stickiest load of shite to the Hyundai’s face – it just can’t get the bitch off! The Hyundai may feel like a nicer load to lug around, with a better box of gear and touchy feel of steer – but if you’re not buying a Focus, you just want peace of mind and loads of space!

The Hyundai may have a tastier load of talent than its Kia sister, but it’s lacking in the final load of warranty – the i30 Estate has 5 years of mind peace, while the Kia bumps it over with a lucky 7! The Hyundai i30 is a plusher wagon to drive, but the Cee’d SW will carry more loose water and be free to fix for longer! If the head has to rule the heart, we’d get the grammatical nonsense over the thirty eyed monster!

If you like spizzy quick tiddly hatches, this tiny tearaway will tease tears from your eyes! And we’re not talking sad weeping; we’re shouting thrilled shreaking! Enter the Mitsubishi Colt Ralliart!

Since the past, the RenaultSport Twingo has been holding the crayons in the tiny hatch nursery – the hardcore happy handler marked the bench with tiny sharp fists! But that’s not the only kid the Colt has to out-bully! There’s the newness packed 500 Abarth that’s so naughty you’re not even allowed to call it Fiat! You will need a bath after that Italian filth!

So how does the Colt bang out it’s assertion in this shouty pre-school squeal off?! Let’s start with the screamer’s lungs!

We know Mitsubishi can make a turbo spun four pot bang box – and this Colt doesn’t let us know anything else! Ask loudly for all the toys and you’ll soon be riding along with 147 hard rocking horses, all helping you hit the 62nd fence in 74 tenths; that’s 13 quicker than the Frenchy Twingo! Don’t think it’s a highly strung stallion fusser either – you can surge around on 155lbs of pony talk with only tiny lag bads! If there was a shouting competition between the Colt and its European bullies, the Colt would win!

But, it’s not all about shouting at nursery… sometimes you need to play chase, and that’s where the Colt can feel a bit spazzy! On parents evening, the Colt would be happy during talk of sharpness, directness and even tidy rideness, but there would still need to be a sit down finger wag when it got home! Its problem is honesty!

Steer quick into corners and it tries to bend the truth about grip and texture – little nippers should chat away through the wheel and seat, but this one likes to keep quiet! Instead of happy grainy tactility you’re given slightly syrupy hostility! If you’d stepped into it after dancing with an Abarth or Twingo, you’d worry why your hands had gone numb! Fun times can be had with an easy wagging rear, but sometimes even that feels a bit like playing see-saw under anaesthetic!

If you’re a fan of scratching your fingers over plastics surfaces and complaining with the words brittle or cheap, you’ll enjoy a busy day out in the Colt! Plasti-refino-dampingness is no better than the boggo Colt with its three cylinder wheeze-box and £8k money ticket! Some metal pedals and fatty hating seats aren’t enough to make it feel a worthy inside for a top-spec model boss! At least it’s not a financial extortion!

The Mitsubishi purse needs lining with £12,049 for a little Ralliart Colt – that’s £1,500 cheaper than a 500 Abarth but £300 more than the slower but pervier Twingo! What to do?! If you’re vein faced trendy kid it could come down to looks! Mitsubishi must have watched the Cage/Travolta skin swapping Face/Off film before drawing this… it’s got the same face as an Evo X! That might be a swinger for some angry Jap fans that don’t mind looking like skanks!

In the summaries, it’s business as usual for a Japanese hotbox – power and angriness make you Jappy Happy but plastics and tactility make you Jappy Sad! What the point is though might be this… if you want the fastest infant hatchling, get the Colt and you’ll smile like a man with two willies! If you want the most satisfying get one of the Europeans – but don’t shed tears when you get spanked from the lights!

Renault have coaxed a size 8 Megane R26 hot hatch into Gok Wan’s naked booth of mirrors – then made it strip to its surrender flag panties with red teary eyes! Auto Exclamation hits the road and tells you how to feel!

First things first – when you feed the Megane beans, it screams like Lulu in a fire! In a normal R26 you just get a turbo whistle, but thanks to a skimmed exhaust, placcy back windows, binned stereo and skimpy sound isolation, this R26.R sounds like an agoraphobic hyena in an electric storm! All that and 125kg lighter than the fatty R26… screamedelica kittens! And don’t think its all whistle and no thistle!

It’s got spikey turbo thistle! Power is equal to a normal R26, with 230 horses bolting from a two litre stable… but because Gok Wan’s mirrored booby cube forced it to diet, this R26.R marks the 62nd bench in a flattened six seconds! That type of speed is exactly three tenths quicker than the car with a radio!

And, if you’re worried this anorexic Madame can only run in straight lines, then don’t! This skinny cat likes to flaunt it in the twisters! The R26.R is stiff enough to make you happier than Larry’s wife on date night! With kinky optional Toyo rubber-wear it has grip and poise in the dry to make you squeal too! And don’t think that the front is a bigger bender than the back – they’re as stiff as each other! There’ll be no wiggly bush trouble for this horny French maid!

But buyer beware; she won’t like you if you take her out for some watersports! This sexy froglet has boundaries! Semi-slicks and a wet mattress get her too excited and she starts squirming and fighting like she needs tying up! Just a peck on the cheek in dampness please!

What of the other hatch-backs on the squirmy stripper block? Well, this lady likes to play alone! You can take a Golf for your babies, or an Astra VXR for social scabies but the Megane is out there in a speedy league on its tod! Would you like to pay £24k for a car without the stereo sounds, friendly rear seats and a vacuumed hyena? Maybe you would, maybe you wouldn’t – it’s up to you! But, if you would… you shouldn’t be protecting your hairy head with a metal sheet!

A flaming hatch-back is made for compromising circumstances! In practical worlds, you take the shopping, the babies, the doggies and ladies… then burn holes in the roads with biddies on holiday! The Megane does all the howly-time things tidier than granny’s cupboard, but doesn’t do the hatchback things at all! That puts it in a completely different field full of Caterhams covered in exciting rear wheel drive mud… where the R26.R looks like it’s being pulled along backwards!

The toastiest Megane may be the best bender of the hatchbacks… but it’s not the best bender of the lidless squealy boys!