on the sidewalls

Ask SEAT the time and they’ll have just one infectiously harmonised answer – it’s Eco time! And that’s because they’ve fitted their Altea XL family car with a new super-green 1.6 TDI engine, a stop/start system, energy recuperation technology and called it the Ecomotive! Go eco go eco go!

With a combined fuel economy figure of 62.8mpg, this is the most economical Altea XL ever! And with CO2 emissions of only 119g/km it’s also the least polluting! But does downsizing the engine mean you’ll always arrive late? Is Eco time always five minutes later than planned?

No! While the little 1.6 TDI engine can only punch out 104bhp and a 0-62mph eco-time of 11.5 seconds, it doesn’t feel crippled by greenness! You will need a careful eye on the revs during motorway hills, but as long as you’re not over-eager, the little diesel’s 184lb ft thrump of torque keeps eco-time on time!

And of course, shrinking the engine hasn’t shrunk the interior! Space and eco-time – it’s like a physicists fantasy! A 532 litre boot! Plenty of leg room! Cubby holes in the roof! A hidden boot floor! Hide and seek would take a long time in here! But, what about the Peugeot 3008? We’re glad you asked!

The cunning Puglet is our favourite family car and is the Altea XL’s feircest rival!  So, is eco-time up for the greeny SEAT? Yes and no! Costing between £16k and £19k, the Spaniard is similarly equipped, more economical and a little quicker than a same price Frenchie – but it’s not as clever inside! The Peugeot has chrome flourishes, even more trinket pockets, bigger cubbies and a more flexible boot! The Altea doesn’t have a good time when you compare its insides to the best!

But, as Chico himself said, you can get delirious if you take life too serious! So let’s put the practicalities and frugalities aside! It’s where the SEAT surprises! The small engine makes the front feel light, the steering is accurate, grip is high, body roll is kept in check – and all without making the ride grate and irritate like a perma-tanned pop song! Good times!

So while the interior packaging might not be the best in these competitive times, the green-skills and driving fun make eco-time something to look forward to!

Kia have already proved they can strum a strong Cee’d with their Focus worrying family hatch – but can they bash out the same success in the super competitive mini-MPV genre? Their new Venga, Spanish for ‘come’, is finally splashing onto the scene to try just that! So, can it fly in the faces of established rivals like the Citroen C3 Picasso, or is it just a horrible lonely mess? Auto Exclamation puts its latex gloves on and finds out!

There’s only one place to start – and that’s with a fumble in the back! The Venga needs frolic friendly fold flat seats, with slidey, spacious flexibility to compete with the Picasso! So has it?

Yes! The rear seats slide back and forth to fit legs, luggage or a mix of both, they fold flat for big loads or long umbrellas, split 60/40 and even recline for laid back karma sutra practising! The 1253 litres of maximum space might be a couple of hundred down on the C3 Picasso, but you’ll never notice! You can come or go as you please in the boot… but clean up afterwards please!

She’s not as easy going and encouraging when you move on to the next level though! There’s inconsistency in her responses – and we blame the electric power steering! Turn in is quick but imprecise, and while feedback towards third base is reasonable, she sometimes tightens up for no reason! It’s like playing a Sega Rally arcade game! Even slowing things down leads to reluctancy – a firm kick is required to make her stop! And she’s not an overly forgiving ride either!

At least there’s no danger of a romp being zipped up prematurely! Our 89bhp, 101lb ft 1.4 petrol felt even slower than its 12.4 second 0-60mph time! Lie back and think of England! MPG is quoted as 45.6 combined, but keeping up a decent rhythm dropped ours to 32! Too much drink? Venga’s got Brewer’s droop! Sorry Mike! The 89bhp, 162lb ft diesel promises 62.8mpg but takes a tantric 14 seconds to get to 60mph – that’s automotive celibacy! To the convent you go Venga!

But, surely we’re being harsh! It’s a Kia supermini-MPV, so it’s cheap enough to forgive the driving problems right? It’s marginal! You’ll need £13k to get a 1.4 petrol engine, air con, electric windows, alloys and metallic paint… that’s only £1k less than the more spacious, quicker, sexier, comfier C3 Picasso with the same spec! Although the Kia does have ESP so at least you’ll arrive safely!

And the standard ESP helps to highlight who the Venga’s been made for! Safety conscious Vicar types in BHS coats! They can arrive without harm! And let’s not forget Kia’s 7 year warranty! People with stout shoes will love that! Extra safe! For these folk with teasmaids who kiss on the cheeks and go straight to sleep, the warranty alone is enough to overlook the fumbling dynamics and occasionally lumpy comfort! And we’re happy for them! You might have a better ride in a C3 Picasso… but you’ll come anyway in the Venga!

Boom Boom Pow! Peugeot have finally come up with a 7 seater MPV to take on the likes of Zafira! 5008? It’s so 5,000 and late! The question on every contraceptionally-challenged person’s lips is this; is it better late than never or bettered by Picasso? Auto Exclamation finds out!

First things first – even the third row of seats are usable by humans with limbs! It’s an achievement! And they easily fold flat into the boot floor when your limb-heavy human friends are at home! Double achievement! Immediately there’s more space than the S-Max, Picasso or Zafira brethren! 5,000 and great!

And the rest of the cabin doesn’t inspire any 5,000 and hate either! In between the front seats is a cubby so big you could hide a baby in it! The chrome trinkets and neat clickability of the buttons are also something to 5,000 and rate – it’s got the quality of an interior that isn’t French! The only irritation that could 5,000 and grate is how the rakishly sloped dash can make some switches tricky to reach – it’s not a car for the short of arm!

On the black-top it’s smooth, light, accurate and bright – especially with the optional panoramic roof! Hurl it about with a lackadaisical regard for the kids and you’ll feel its 5,000 and weight, but it’s a nicer steer than a Picasso or Zafira, and not far off the S-Max! Engine power comes from 1.6 or 2.0 sizes of petrol or diesel; the diesel motors are £1,500 dearer than the petrols, but you’ll be glad about buying the extra torque with a van full of sprogs! We’d have the 150bhp HDi; 250lb ft, 0-62mph in 10 secs and 48.7mpg sounds good for a bus!

It’s time to talk readies! How much is on the 5,000 and slate? The cheapest needs just £16,895 to coax from the Pug man’s hands – but you’ll have plastic wheel trims and no panoramic roof! Don’t fret though! The roof is a £350 option for Sport spec and comes for free in top Exclusive trim – £21k will get you the best engine, Sport spec and big glass! It’s no more expensive than the rivals!

What to say to the original question then – is it better late than never or bettered by Picasso? We say it’s better late than never! The 5008 might not be the most punctual of the MPV class, but it’s certainly a fast learner with an interior that gets a gold star! If you’re a daddy in need of a baby caddy, you should canter down the Pug shop Boom Boom Now!

Remove your off-road hate veils readers – here’s an SUV that’s trying to be nice! Meet the Volvo XC60 DRIVe – a cheaper version of Volvo’s 4×4 that’s turned environ-mental! A green-leaning SUV? It’s even more deceptive than Derren Brown’s monthly murder mystery night!

So let’s play the murder mystery! What’s the crime and who’s the killer? Here’s the crime! Compared to a standard XC60 with the same diesel engine, it does 6mpg more and produces 24g CO2 less! Yes! From the same engine! So who’s the emission murderer?

The culprits are easy to find! A green-tinged ECU, longer legged gears and a torque-twiddled turbo all look guilty on a spec sheet! And there’s 30bhp less than the standard car! They’re certainly accessories to murder! But 47.1mpg and 159g CO2? Emission killers like that are used elsewhere and never have such a massive effect! We need to look deeper!

Is it whooshy aerodynamics? No! Is it slippy gearbox oil? No! Is it a rear diffuser on the edge of regulations? No! Think it’s getting hard to find the murderer? Don’t!

Sorry Derren, but we’ve got it! The Volvo XC60 DRIVe isn’t actually a 4×4! You’re no better at hiding emission murderers than you are at tricking casinos! Pulling out of a greasy junction will betray the criminal! Slippy, trampy, juddery cack wheelspin! That’s our emission killer! The 2WD transmission – it’s going straight to Derren’s imaginary mind trick goatie jail!

So, has the emission killing 2WD criminal made the XC60 DRIVe a worse car? The answer is the same as the answer to ‘is Derren Brown’s murder mystery night actually fun?’! It’s a no! The DRIVe is the best XC60 on sale! It still lollops with a blandly decent gait – but Derren’s DRIVe is £2k cheaper than the rest! £25,395! It might slip its front wheels more, but just like Derren, nobody really cares!

Give 50p to the man in the hut! Pick a crooked putter! Aim under the windmill! Over the cobbled bridge… mind the camber! That’s right, Auto Exclamation is striking a birdie in the brand new Veedub Polo! It’s Miniature Golf! One point FOUR!

VW remembered that people forget what the Polo looks like and have done something to help! Can’t recall the Polo’s face? Fine! Just think of a Golf that’s slightly further away! From the wide Tiger Woods smile to the austere Faldo personality, it’s what geneticists would call closely related! Steve Ryder will recite your life in this little thud box!

If interior quality was measured on a bar graph, the Polo would have a massive bar! From ticking relays to nobbing knurlers, the Polo has the rubbery smoothability of writing on a banana with a biro! You’ll be fiddling with nobs like you’ve just caught puberty! But it’s not all about sitting in it without driving it! Playing a game of miniature golf isn’t as much fun as having a Fiesta? Is it?

No! The Polo plays miniature golf with freezing numb hands! I can’t feel my legs Muriel! Muted dampings and smoothed vibrationals will earn happy chatter at the 19^th hole, but don’t tell the men in funny trousers about the steering or brakes! They’re deader than a slept on arm… but at least you’ll never get pins and needles!

So, it’s a thoughtful putt instead of a spirited drive – but after the little bits of paper have been handed in, is it a birdie or a bogey? We’ll find out at the final hole! What do you get for the supermini mid-price of £12,500? It’s Fiesta versus Polo! Let’s hit the theme park fairway!

Off the tee with the engine! Fiesta plays an 81 horse yard drive with a 1.25 iron, while Polo hits 84 yards thanks to a bigger 1.4 thwacker! Polo nudges it! Next, it’s an economical chip under that windmill! Mind the blades! Despite being heavier, the Fiesta strikes back with 49.5 mpg and 133 g/CO2 against the Polo’s 47.9 and 139!

It’s neck and neck as they hit the sloping concrete green – just a final putt that relies on kit! Tension is rising! ESP, alloys and leccy back windows all need extra cash on the Fiesta… but they’re free with the Polo! Seve Ballesteros golfers! Who would’ve thunk it? The Polo sinks it first with an excellent value putt!

Let’s hit the clubhouse and talk conclusionals! OK, you’re not going to play miniature golf if you holiday in Ibiza… but don’t forget – not everybody wants to! While the rest of the supermini crew are fizzing around on poppers, the Polo plays its game of sense with more stubbornness and thoughtfulness than ever! And it’s not even an expensive hobby! Sports car ambitionists with no interest in ruining a good walk can get a Fiesta for sure, but for the normalists out there, the Polo is a swooping great albatross of wellbeing! Happy Gilmore everybody!

If you don’t want to buy an old Audi A4 Avant because you don’t want people to think you can’t afford a new Audi A4 Avant, then Seat have whittled a wagon that shares your illogicalness! It’s an old Audi A4 Avant that’s brand new! Meet the Seat Exeo ST – a chunky flamenco abacus-buster! Audi do that then?

Like a slurpy bucket of poisoned paella, the Audi from Aldi is glued together with misfits! But instead of fish guts and poison plonk, the ingredients smell like German VAG! Freshly dropped into this seafood cauldron are the innards of an old A4 cabrio, the skeleton of a nearly new A4 Avant and the lungs of the VAG fish!

If you think all the aging VAG makes it feel old then you’re not that wrong! The Exeo ST dances the rumba with wooden legs! Darting round towns with pointy toes offers all the relaxation of a pilled up Balearic cheek chewer! Leave urbanity and the Spaniard’s more sultry voice can be heard above the diesel’s castanets – but only on motorways do the wooden legs turn into snake hips!

And talking of legs, there’s no room for a big pair in the back! While pint sized continental shouting bastards might be able to sit behind a standard human, a normal six-foot person will need flat pack limbs to fit! And the boot of this old new Audi A4 Avant is 50 litres smaller than the boot of a new new Audi A4 Avant!

It might have the room and zoom of a Spanish static caravan, but at least the interior isn’t made of straw donkeys! Slap rape tape on the S-shaped badges and it will trick you into being Bavarian! It’s got more sophisticated nobs than Eaton! Four rings here!

So, how much to pay for old technology dressed up new? The plainest of Spain requires a fiscal unloading of £19k to dance with – that’s only £2k more cheap than the most cheap of Audi Audis! If you’re thinking about teasing your purse out for that, then you’re too easy! Put your purse away or it will get chafed!

Seat must have been distracted by nylon strung guitars and ladies with loose bras! Think about this now please! You can buy an Audi badged Audi with the Exeo’s metal gubbins for £7K! The Seat is a £2k saving on a new car, but in realness it’s a £12k overspend on an identical used one! And the old Audi wagon won’t drop pounds like Fern Britton!

Let’s get back to the quandary! If you don’t want to buy an old Audi A4 Avant because you don’t want people to think you can’t afford a new Audi A4 Avant, then the Seat is not the answer! You’ll look like you shop in Lidl even though you’ve paid a near-Waitrose price! The answer is simple! Buy an old Audi and spend the change on a private plate to mask your shame!

If you thought the Hyundai i30 hatchback was loaded with comfy Korean competence, then you’re in for a fat load of shock – it’s now got more loadspace for even more spacey competency! Enter the i30 Estate! Auto Exclamation dumps its load and gives you the load-down!

While the recent crop of Korean Hyundai puppies are loaded with sense and good-will, you still only buy them if you’re short of cashloads! Luckily, the Hyundai till doesn’t ask much for an i30 Estate – it’s a load off your financial mind! The cheapest i30 Estate can be coaxed out of the Hyundai man’s hands for just £13,120 – £2,000 cheaper than the least loaded Ford Focus Estate!

Because of its inexpensiveness, Auto Exclamation would wackily recommend blowing your load on the priciest 1.6CRDi Premium model… top spec loady madness! In the big bucks super model, you get alloyed wahoos, a diesel to cruise and heated seats that made moos! When you’re only asked to unload £16,345 it’s not hard to feel like Mr Lucky to Choose! Think of a Focus with similar loading and the nearly £20k ticket will feel like necks in a noose!

If you think that steering the dog-munching cheapie would make sad-times, you’re a Jim Davidson faced racist! While the i30 Estate can’t load you up with funability like a blue oval hearse, it makes you think in different tongues! You go in expecting rubbery, woolly, inaccurate blandness… but then come out with well weighted, comfy riding, posh-toff plushness! Trueness will say that dampings and cornerings miss the last load of cheekability – but it’s for loads of kit, not loads of laughs! Happy times carrying sappy pines!

113 horses unload themselves gaily from the 1.6 litre stable – that might look pony on paper, but on tarmac you never want the horses to suck ‘roids! Torquing comes through loud and clear with 173lb being loads enough to pull you, without making you need to shout loads to hear! And, we all know that the fewer the horses, the more civilised the drinking… 57.6mpg is quoted for a day of combined horsing!

But, what about the rear end loading? Well, you’ve got nothing to be embarrassed about but nothing to shout about! Filling the i30 estate with water would involve wasting 415 litres – that’s only 67 less than a same-rear Focus, but a big loady loader 119 less than the Korean faced samer Kia Cee’d SW! If carrying loose water is your job, get the sister Kia!

And it’s the Korean faced samer that’s the stickiest load of shite to the Hyundai’s face – it just can’t get the bitch off! The Hyundai may feel like a nicer load to lug around, with a better box of gear and touchy feel of steer – but if you’re not buying a Focus, you just want peace of mind and loads of space!

The Hyundai may have a tastier load of talent than its Kia sister, but it’s lacking in the final load of warranty – the i30 Estate has 5 years of mind peace, while the Kia bumps it over with a lucky 7! The Hyundai i30 is a plusher wagon to drive, but the Cee’d SW will carry more loose water and be free to fix for longer! If the head has to rule the heart, we’d get the grammatical nonsense over the thirty eyed monster!

If you like spizzy quick tiddly hatches, this tiny tearaway will tease tears from your eyes! And we’re not talking sad weeping; we’re shouting thrilled shreaking! Enter the Mitsubishi Colt Ralliart!

Since the past, the RenaultSport Twingo has been holding the crayons in the tiny hatch nursery – the hardcore happy handler marked the bench with tiny sharp fists! But that’s not the only kid the Colt has to out-bully! There’s the newness packed 500 Abarth that’s so naughty you’re not even allowed to call it Fiat! You will need a bath after that Italian filth!

So how does the Colt bang out it’s assertion in this shouty pre-school squeal off?! Let’s start with the screamer’s lungs!

We know Mitsubishi can make a turbo spun four pot bang box – and this Colt doesn’t let us know anything else! Ask loudly for all the toys and you’ll soon be riding along with 147 hard rocking horses, all helping you hit the 62nd fence in 74 tenths; that’s 13 quicker than the Frenchy Twingo! Don’t think it’s a highly strung stallion fusser either – you can surge around on 155lbs of pony talk with only tiny lag bads! If there was a shouting competition between the Colt and its European bullies, the Colt would win!

But, it’s not all about shouting at nursery… sometimes you need to play chase, and that’s where the Colt can feel a bit spazzy! On parents evening, the Colt would be happy during talk of sharpness, directness and even tidy rideness, but there would still need to be a sit down finger wag when it got home! Its problem is honesty!

Steer quick into corners and it tries to bend the truth about grip and texture – little nippers should chat away through the wheel and seat, but this one likes to keep quiet! Instead of happy grainy tactility you’re given slightly syrupy hostility! If you’d stepped into it after dancing with an Abarth or Twingo, you’d worry why your hands had gone numb! Fun times can be had with an easy wagging rear, but sometimes even that feels a bit like playing see-saw under anaesthetic!

If you’re a fan of scratching your fingers over plastics surfaces and complaining with the words brittle or cheap, you’ll enjoy a busy day out in the Colt! Plasti-refino-dampingness is no better than the boggo Colt with its three cylinder wheeze-box and £8k money ticket! Some metal pedals and fatty hating seats aren’t enough to make it feel a worthy inside for a top-spec model boss! At least it’s not a financial extortion!

The Mitsubishi purse needs lining with £12,049 for a little Ralliart Colt – that’s £1,500 cheaper than a 500 Abarth but £300 more than the slower but pervier Twingo! What to do?! If you’re vein faced trendy kid it could come down to looks! Mitsubishi must have watched the Cage/Travolta skin swapping Face/Off film before drawing this… it’s got the same face as an Evo X! That might be a swinger for some angry Jap fans that don’t mind looking like skanks!

In the summaries, it’s business as usual for a Japanese hotbox – power and angriness make you Jappy Happy but plastics and tactility make you Jappy Sad! What the point is though might be this… if you want the fastest infant hatchling, get the Colt and you’ll smile like a man with two willies! If you want the most satisfying get one of the Europeans – but don’t shed tears when you get spanked from the lights!

Renault have coaxed a size 8 Megane R26 hot hatch into Gok Wan’s naked booth of mirrors – then made it strip to its surrender flag panties with red teary eyes! Auto Exclamation hits the road and tells you how to feel!

First things first – when you feed the Megane beans, it screams like Lulu in a fire! In a normal R26 you just get a turbo whistle, but thanks to a skimmed exhaust, placcy back windows, binned stereo and skimpy sound isolation, this R26.R sounds like an agoraphobic hyena in an electric storm! All that and 125kg lighter than the fatty R26… screamedelica kittens! And don’t think its all whistle and no thistle!

It’s got spikey turbo thistle! Power is equal to a normal R26, with 230 horses bolting from a two litre stable… but because Gok Wan’s mirrored booby cube forced it to diet, this R26.R marks the 62nd bench in a flattened six seconds! That type of speed is exactly three tenths quicker than the car with a radio!

And, if you’re worried this anorexic Madame can only run in straight lines, then don’t! This skinny cat likes to flaunt it in the twisters! The R26.R is stiff enough to make you happier than Larry’s wife on date night! With kinky optional Toyo rubber-wear it has grip and poise in the dry to make you squeal too! And don’t think that the front is a bigger bender than the back – they’re as stiff as each other! There’ll be no wiggly bush trouble for this horny French maid!

But buyer beware; she won’t like you if you take her out for some watersports! This sexy froglet has boundaries! Semi-slicks and a wet mattress get her too excited and she starts squirming and fighting like she needs tying up! Just a peck on the cheek in dampness please!

What of the other hatch-backs on the squirmy stripper block? Well, this lady likes to play alone! You can take a Golf for your babies, or an Astra VXR for social scabies but the Megane is out there in a speedy league on its tod! Would you like to pay £24k for a car without the stereo sounds, friendly rear seats and a vacuumed hyena? Maybe you would, maybe you wouldn’t – it’s up to you! But, if you would… you shouldn’t be protecting your hairy head with a metal sheet!

A flaming hatch-back is made for compromising circumstances! In practical worlds, you take the shopping, the babies, the doggies and ladies… then burn holes in the roads with biddies on holiday! The Megane does all the howly-time things tidier than granny’s cupboard, but doesn’t do the hatchback things at all! That puts it in a completely different field full of Caterhams covered in exciting rear wheel drive mud… where the R26.R looks like it’s being pulled along backwards!

The toastiest Megane may be the best bender of the hatchbacks… but it’s not the best bender of the lidless squealy boys!