on the sidewalls

A few months ago, the Paris Motorshow sounded like it was going to be feeble. An Audi A7 (pictured), a BMW X3, a front wheel drive Freelander and a fictional KIA that sounded like a fizzy drink. Dull, tedious, anodyne. Then news broke that Chevrolet were planning to exhibit a five door Cruze. Bloody hell. Watching a nun play solitaire in the dark sounded more exciting.

But then… KERPOW!! Some exciting things were announced. Paris 2010 is going to be a belter. So here are five good reasons to face the French capital’s traffic between the 2nd and 17th of October. Five door Cruze not included.

A Mystery Lamborghini

The Murcielago is dead. Long live whatever Lambo give us at Paris. It’s likely to be called the Jota, will no doubt come with a hulking great V12 engine that’s more powerful than the Merci’s but 20% MORE ECONOMICAL…and, according to internet fiction-mongers, it might even have scissor doors. Leading up to the show, Lamborghini are going to release six teaser pictures of the car, of which this is the first…

Lotus Going Mental

UK Lotus PR bossman, who we’ll call Flo-Rida, has got himself into such a tizz about the countless new Lotus products that he’s forgotten to actually tell anyone what they are… so we’ll mainly have to guess. The only thing we know for sure is that Flo-Rida is taking a 1970s Esprit to the show, so we can safely expect Lotus to reveal the long awaited 21st Century Esprit – complete wth mid mounted, turbocharged V8 engine.

We also know that the Evora has been given a supercharger, hiking power to around 400bhp (that’s no real secret. Might have seen one driving around Millbrook…). They’ll also show off an Evora with an auto-box, made especially for Americans that suffer from muscle wastage in their fat left leg.

On top of that, there’s likely to be a 21^st Century re-imagination of the iconic Lotus Seven sports car, as well as two brand new cars with hybrid powertrains – one a GT, the other closer to the Lotus philosophy of performance through lightweight, but possibly front wheel drive. Details are thin on the ground (and possibly non-existent), but with two new Evoras, an Esprit, a new Seven and two hybrids, expect Lotus to be the centre of attention.

Some French Cars

Being as the show’s in Paris, Citroen, Peugeot and Renault want to get lots of attention. Citroen and Renault might actually get some. New cars with a double chevron badge will include the handsome DS4 (pictured), the ‘well proportioned’ new C4 as well as their nutty electric concept cars the RevoltE and Survolte.

Renault will be distracting people away from the tedium of a facelifted Laguna with their swoopy work of fiction, the DeZir. As a funky platform for new designer Laurens van den Acker to show off his craft, the DeZir suggests that the next generation of Renaults will ditch daintiness in favour of more muscular lines and…blah. Just use your eyes. Your imagination is as good as anyone else’s.

Finally, Peugeot will have the new 508 saloon, which replaces the 407 and 607. Good for them

Ugly Mercedes CLS

When designing the brand new CLS, Mercedes must have frequently asked ‘how on earth do we replace the world’s first four door coupe?’. No matter what they did, the new car would no longer be a world first and therefore lack impact and seem unimaginative.

After countless board meetings where design executives aggressively debated how to follow up such a handsome, groundbreaking car they settled on a tag for the brand new CLS. One they felt would get as much coverage as the original. One with talkability. Impact. They produced The World’s Ugliest Four Door Coupe. You can’t miss seeing this in the flesh.

Jaguar Coupe and Estate

Now that the bread and butter of the XF and the XJ are out and about, Jag can get a jiggle on with expanding their range. At Paris, they’re likely to show off a new XF based coupe and roadster, possibly called the C-Type or XC, as well as an XF estate. It’s unlikely that any new engines will be released, but a small XF based coupe with an angry face and XF-R engine is a lip smacking prospect. Also, let’s not forget that estates are cooler than saloons – so an XF Wagon will be ice cold. Especially with that new 3.0 turbodiesel engine.

So, there you have it. Go to the Paris motorshow… loads of fast, stylish cars and hardly a whiff of a hybrid. Makes a change.

But not if you’re in America. And especially not if you’re on the grass. Approaching a bridge.

Otherwise this might happen…

Apparently the guy has survived… and could be answering some difficult questions from the Police.

Having had a sweet tea, a bracing walk and a glimpse at a picture of an Aston Martin Cygnet to help us get perspective, we can now force our minds to dwell on the Abarth 695 Tributo Ferrari. Just. This scintillatingly named creation is basically a Fiat 500 Abarth that, because of some Ferrari decals and a power hike from 135bhp to 180bhp, costs £29,600. Which is twice the price of a normal one. One car for the price of two. OMflippingG.

‘But ha’, you keenly quip, ‘that’s surely the most sensible way to get a Ferrari badged car for £30k’. Well possibly not, we retort. What if we could prove that a £30k Ferrari is a more practical car to own than a £30k Fiat? Using the brilliant F355 and our newly invented ‘Three P’ car buying criteria, we can do just that.

Practicality

The Ferrari F355 has a 220 litre boot, which is 35 litres bigger than the Abarth’s – this means it can hold more shopping, so you’re less likely to starve to death. With a time of 4.6 seconds, the Ferrari will accelerate to 60mph 2.4 seconds quicker than the Abarth, which makes it safer when pulling into small gaps at a junction. It’s also got much wider tyres, helping it grip harder and letting you drive faster… meaning you get to work quicker to earn more money.

The Ferrari’s 310mm front brake discs will stop the car more abruptly than the Abarth’s 284mm units, allowing you to leave braking until the very last millisecond – again saving time. And, should you be chased by a gunman, the Ferrari will leave your life in less peril than the Abarth, as its 184mph top speed is much faster than the Abarth’s 140mph escape velocity. The Ferrari is, on many levels, a more practical car.

Pleasure

Some aspects of car ownership aren’t objective. The beauty of the styling, the smell of the interior, the noise of the engine… there are attributes that transcend the mechanical and appeal on an emotional level. This is where the Ferrari really excels.

Its 375bhp, 3.5 litre V8 engine is not only 195bhp more powerful than the Abarth’s turbocharged 1.4 litre 4 pot wheezer, but much kinkier. Being mounted directly behind your head, and with less damping between it and the chassis, the Ferrari’s engine rasps and resonates not only through the air, but also through your body.

The Pininfarina styling of the Ferrari is cleaner and sharper than the Fiat penned 500… and, even in the words of a tedious cretin, the interior ‘is a much nicer place to be’. The Ferrari is, on many levels, a more pleasurable car.

Pennies

Now for the real surprise. We already know that the Abarth 695 Tributo Ferrari costs a ‘are you sure that’s not in Zimbabwean dollars’ sum of £29,600. For a supermini, that’s financial rape – a well looked after Ferrari F355, for example, can actually be had for less.

And before you bleat on about how the Ferrari will cost more to run, consider how quickly a Abarth 695 Tributo Ferrari will depreciate. Normal versions of the pudgy Fiat are worth about 46% of their value after three years. We’ll be kind and say the special edition will hold 50%… that still means you’ll take a £15k hit over three years.

Even having to spend £10k replacing the F355’s weak points of catalytic converter, manifolds and cam-belt, you’ll be £5k better off after three years than in the Abarth… which you can spend on petrol and insurance. With no depreciation to speak of, the Ferrari is, on many levels, a more affordable car.

A bigger boot, better performance and a smaller fiscal punch – if you want a £30k Ferrari, buy an F355. Don’t buy a Fiat.

It’s a £50k car with the interior of a £15k car. It looks ridiculous. It’ll struggle to do 20mpg… the Mitsubishi Evo X FQ400 is a very easy car to mock. But having been lucky enough to  spend a couple of nights bonding with one, we’ve found some redeeming features that sprinkle some little shards of brilliance onto the stupidity.

It’ll do 0-62 in less than 4 seconds

Even the cheapest Evo X, the £30k FQ300, hits 62mph in 4.7 seconds – over a second quicker than a Focus RS. But you’ve got to crack it in less than 4 seconds to join the supercar club and REALLY have something to boast about. The Evo X FQ400 is the cheapest car with a roof and proper boot to do just that. To a lot of people, that matters.

It’s got more than just a turbo under the bonnet

Japanese motorsport alchemists HKS have been at the FQ400’s 2.0 litre engine – and they haven’t just strapped a big metal snail to it. Over lesser Evo’s this has a turbo that works better at high temperatures, as well as new injectors, a new ECU with over 500 hours of development time and a new intercooler. Because of those improvements, the FQ400 will not only turn your eyelids inside out as its 403bhp squirms onto the road at 6,500rpm, but also pull from 2,000rpm without being left behind by a 2CV.

It can corner and stop as ferociously as it accelerates

Like the engine, the chassis has much more to it than just brute force. The suspension is 30mm lower on Eibach springs and Bilstein shocks, the brakes are uprated and the track’s wider at the front and back. Bloody works too – not too crashy or so darty that it’s undriveable on narrow roads, but absorbent, adjustable, flattering and staggeringly grippy. The Alcon brakes deserve special mention too… only rubbing a big toe over a still warm disc would reveal more about what’s going on at the wheels.

It doesn’t blind you with technology

The obvious engineering improvements over less well endowed Evos aren’t smothered by a nasty bout of driver aids. You tell the ‘Super All Wheel Drive Control’ the surface you’re driving on and let the Active Centre Differential and Yaw Control discreetly do the rest – sometimes you can sense them scurrying power to different wheels, but they’re generally discreet. Without any sport modes, power dials or adjustable dampers the Evo X feels purer and more mechanical than you think possible from a 4wd 400bhp rude boy.

It makes you feel like a child

Your eyes tell you that the spoiler, diffuser, splitter and carbon fins are in dubious taste… but your inner kid has a naughty grin. Then you hoon it through second gear with your inner kid giggling like he’s being pushed on the world’s biggest swing.  Then you stop, peering through the heat haze that’s started to shimmy up out of the bonnet. And then you hoof it again until you hit the rev limiter in fourth… and go absolutely silent.  Like your inner kid was about to swing right over the top and die. Addictive, naughty, ridiculous… and brilliant.

British Superfans

Extreme G-Forces

Behind the Scenes Glamour

Inconsistent Schumacher

High Class Parties

Immaculately Presented Celebs

Early Starts and Pounding Sun

Rocket Red

Button Nearly Getting a Podium

Hamilton Pleasing the Fans

This Man Being a Turd

In the UK, today is the longest day of the year – so, purely because today is the only day long enough to enjoy them all, we’ve compiled a list of the most protracted, long winded car names ever. Take a deep breath and prey the sun’s still up when you’re done…

5. Toyota Estima Lucida G Luxury Joyful Canopy

An example from the country that gave the world such gems as the Mazda Bongo Friendee, the Mitsubishi ‘MUM 500 Shall We Join Us?’ and the Suzuki Every Joy Pop Turbo. In the UK and America, this Toyota MPV is called the Previa – but in its domestic market of Japan that’s obviously not descriptive enough. Although, seeing as the Estima Lucida G Luxury Joyful Canopy isn’t particularly luxurious or joyful, we’re not sure quite what the name is describing. At least the Canopy bit is vaguely accurate – it refers to the big glass roof.

4. Land Rover Range Rover Sport Limited Autobiography Supercharged

Ah, yes – the Range Rover. It’s made by Land Rover. And this is the lower, tighter Sport model. In top spec Autobiography trim. With a supercharger. Despite the vast array of badges weighing it down, the LR RR SLAS can crack 62mph in 5.9 seconds thanks to the V8 motor’s 503bhp and 461lb ft of torque. It’ll cost you though – the £70,540 starting price works out at £1,259 per letter.

3. Lamborghini Murcielago LP670-4 Super Veloce China Limited Edition

The self explanatory name was obviously chosen by a primary school teacher who’s really good at teaching children to spell phonetically. Just like the teacher will say Lam Bor Gee Nee, Lambo themselves simply spelt out the name by listing its constituent elements. So it’s a Murcielago, it’s got 670PS, it’s got 4 wheel drive, it’s the 100kg lighter super fast model, and it’s a Limited Edition model for China. Only 10 were made, all in the same colour scheme, and all sold to Chinese customers.

2. Rolls-Royce Silver Spur II Touring Limousine by Mulliner Park-Ward

The standard Silver Spur II, released in 1989, was 5.4 metres long – but for some customers even that didn’t allow them to be far enough away from the peasant-class driver. So specialist Rolls Royce coachbuilder Mulliner Park-Ward stepped in and lengthened the car by 60cm, allowing the cigar chomping passenger to sit a further 2 feet away from the chap in the hat up front. It’s so long that there’s enough room for a 10” CRT TV to be mounted in its own walnut cabinet in the middle of the passenger compartment. And the name’s long too. Obviously.

1. Chevrolet Corvette Silver Anniversary Indianapolis 500 Pace Car Replica

In 1978, Chevrolet released a special edition Corvette called the Silver Anniversary to celebrate the model’s 25^th birthday. Pretty smart. The ‘Chevrolet Corvette Silver Anniversary’ is a bit of a mouthful, but it’s an important occasion so easily forgiven. However, that wasn’t the end of it. Because at the 1978 Indy 500, the pace car was a Corvette Silver Anniversary… and what respectable car company wouldn’t make a special edition to acknowledge that? Well, none – not even GM.

So, they slapped on some more silver paint, garnished it with a red pin stripe, bolted on a couple of spoilers and called it the Chevrolet Corvette Silver Anniversary Indianapolis 500 Race Car Replica. Which, as far as we know, is the longest car name ever – with a staggering 63 characters. Perhaps if GM hadn’t spent so much money on name badges 30 years ago, they’d be in less trouble now.

Thanks to various people who we stole pictures off without asking. If you want them back, just ask.

Car manufacturers make a big deal about their heritage. VW stitch chequered patterns into the seats of brand new Golf GTIs to invoke the ‘spirit of the original’, Peugeot have the nerve to badge a gawpy faced shopping trolley as an S16, and BMW even hi-jacked someone else’s heritage when they celebrated the original Mini’s 50th birthday as their own. But why bother? What does such Tony Robinson history gazing actually prove?

Two things. First, that car companies were more innovative and interesting in the past than they are now. And second, that they think people don’t like change. So when the mk5 Golf GTi came around with a radical new double clutch gearbox, proper handling and 200hp, VW didn’t say ‘it’s completely different’ they said it was ‘the original, updated’. Despite the fact it was totally new. Apart from the pattern on the seats, obviously.

The point of such comforting, stylised references is to encourage brand loyalty; ‘don’t worry, your new car will have all the things you like about your old car… but it’ll be better’. We don’t ever really feel the past seeping through a car’s controls and dynamics – we’re just told it’s there. In the DNA. Invisible, intangible… but there. Outside of seat fabric semiotics though, it’s largely bollocks. Marketing, not engineering.

Which makes the Mazda CX-7 a massive surprise, because it’s the exact opposite: a car without heritage, that somehow manages to feel like its busting at the seems with DNA. Not just any old gene strings either, but straight from their most iconic, heritage packed car – the mk1 MX5. It’s because of something we’re going to call mechanical continuity – the tiny but tangible feats of engineering that give a car its character, and that can make different machines genuinely feel related. A sense of mechanical continuity is exactly what the badge engineered new Minis and Peugeot S16s lack. There’s no tangible relationship to the cars which apparently inspired them.

Drive the CX-7 and MX-5 back-to-back and, despite the enormous differences in their purposes, the similarities are more striking than the differences. Not because of some flaky reference to the spirit of open-topped motoring either, but because of an impression of genuine ancestry. The gearchanges, for instance, could have been made on identical factory lines. Snicky, short, mechanical, deliberate and satisfying – each car’s box rewards a precise left hand.

The steering too, has a closely related manner. Over-assisted around the dead-ahead, quick to react, detailed under load and linear… both systems feel like they’ve come from the same engineer’s workshop. Light, sharp clutches which punish lapses in concentration. Brakes which bite with little effort but can be modulated easily. Interiors with circular vents, clear dials and stubby gear levers. Bodywork that doesn’t feel as if it’s got class leading torsional rigidity. The cars are separated by 15 years, 750kg, drivetrain layouts, transmissions, purposes and even number of seats… but there’s a clear ancestry pinning them together.

So why don’t Mazda say call it ‘the MX-5… but off-road’ or something? Why don’t they peddle the past to sell the future? They’d got reasonable grounds to do so after all – the CX-7 feels more closely related to an MX-5 than a 207 S16 does to a 205 S16 after all. They could have given it pop-up lights and everything.

It’s probably because they think the car buying public aren’t stupid. They don’t expect us to fall for the marketing spiel… they know that seat fabrics don’t give a new car the spirit of an old one. It’s a commendable, respectable way of dealing with car buyers. Treating them respect, and an assumption that we’re not all susceptible to pretty pictures and break dancers with Gene Kelly’s head. And when was the last time you saw a CX-7? Exactly. Never. We’re too stupid to give it a chance. If it was called the MX-4×4 they’d be all over the place.

A few months ago, mad-cap Yank tuning shop Hennessey mentioned something about dropping a 1,000bhp, twin-turbo V8 into the back of an Elise and calling it the Venom GT. Sounded daft. Then they released some shadowy pics, then a shonky road test video, then they were featured in Top Gear mag and then… they’d comfortably proved they weren’t daft at all. They were insane. Just in case we needed more reasons to question their mental health, they’ve just released a new video of the car on a dyno. Sounds amazing.

In a couple of weeks, the Range Rover will be forty years old. Through four decades of technological progress, it’s not only become the best off-roader in the muck, but the best off-roader on the road. It had coil springs, on and off-road ABS, driver and passenger air bags, self levelling suspension and electronic air suspension before any other SUV.

But the Rangie’s muddy-time tech innovations aren’t the only factors in its success. There’s also the bling… and nothing says bling like over-guilded, diamante encrusted headlight jewellery. So to celebrate the fact that Range Rover can make cars for crystal fingered footballers without annoying the hard-working farmers, here’s a chronology of Range Rover headlights – from the soft Halogen of a 1970 Classic to the LED and Xenon pierce of a facelifted L322. You can click it to make it bigger.

Now shut your eyes, blow out the twinkling LED candles, and wish for another 40 years of Range Rovers that satisfy tarty taste without sacrificing mud-munching prowess. Happy Birthday Range Rover – and never forget that farmers are more important than footballers.

We can only apologise. While we were being distracted by pictures of their RS5, Audi released the third and fourth videos in their A1 promotional campaign. In these two, Justin Timberlake (who’s now called Jon), zips about in the little red Mini-hater, sharing raunchy glances with the woman who he doesn’t really know. Seeing as the first video saw the woman being shot at, we can only assume she’s obviously a horrible, horrible lady that he’s better off avoiding. Find out below if he sticks with her, or tells her to naff off and steals her car. Or just keeps running away from the men with guns…

In pt.1, Justin, who’s now called John, was cajoled into helping an abrupt lady escape from men with guns. In pt.2 , the escape continues as he finds himself driving the abrupt lady’s Audi A1 in a car chase. Just as he loses them his phone rings. Bugger. But no! He’s got a handsfree kit, that unlike any other car in the world, has paired to his phone without him jabbing in 0000 four times while swearing. And after that, it gets even more interesting…

Ever seen those Orange cinema trailers where a spurious plot is invented purely to justify the presence of a phone? Yup, us too. Nothing like as awkward as justifying an Audi…

Nonetheless, pt.2 throws up some important questions. Will Jus… sorry, John, deliver the package? Will the necklace explode? Will he say ‘shit’ again? Will we ever find out what bunny means? Will the cupholder come in handy as a gun cubby? Find out at some point in the near future, right here.

The General Election’s closed, Cowell’s done the judging, Brooker’s called them all cunts, and the result is a draw. Great.

So, more pertinently… what are the best cars to have ever been used for ferrying our Prime Ministers about?

5. Humber Pullman Limousine

As used in the late 1940s by Clement Atlee, the British built Humber Pullman had the presence and patriotism required by a post-War PM. Getting 100bhp from a massive 4.0 litre straight six sounds like a criminal waste of capacity now, but at the time its 100mph top speed was staggering… easily more than the 70mph speed limit that didn’t exist yet. Some versions also came with 7 seats, which were no doubt handy for cramming together quick meetings about how to fix the various bomb holes dotted around London.

4. Jaguar XJ X350

It’s rare to see a TV news story at No.10 without one of these in the background. Usually with a 4.2 V8 up front, the XJ is a Government favourite… but probably just because its British built more than anything else. With an aluminium chassis and air suspension, the XJ is actually a very modern PM wagon but always gave the impression of stoic traditionalism. Nonetheless, with 300bhp from the V8 it could outrun a terrorist’s Jeep while sounding decently fruity.

3. Austin 10hp

Bafflingly, the little Austin was Winston Churchill’s vehicle of choice during World War II – and somehow, he never got bombed in it. Despite only having the power of 10 medium sized horses, the Austin deserves credit for being not just tough enough for the PM, but also the Army. Top speed from the 1.1 litre engine was just 60mph, but with fuel economy of 30mpg it is, in some ways at least, better than a Ford Focus RS. Churchill’s actual car sold for £66k at auction back in 1997.

2. Rover P5B

The car that drove Magaret Thatcher to Number 10 in 1979. Say what you like about that, but the choice of car is a telling one – despite being out of production forsix years, the P5B was still considered the most fitting form of transport for the new PM. Previously used by at least two Guvnas before her, Maggie’s Rover was something of an institution – breath in with your eyes closed and you can probably smell it. With a 3.5 litre V8 giving 160bhp and a 0-60mph time of 11 secs, it was quick and brutal.

1. Jaguar XJ

The high-tech, 21st Century, plushly upholstered new XJ almost seems too good for ferrying about penny pinching PMs – but there’s no doubt that it’ll have to do just that. With a £200k version complete with all the bomb-proofing a Prime Minister needs ready for work, the new XJ will soon be as recongnisable on Downing St. as that chap with a gun who stands next to Number 10. While the 510bhp supercharged V8 will be tempting, expect the new PM to actually use the 275bhp V6 turbodiesel. Because 40mpg impresses voters more than a Supercharger. A proper good modern car.

Ageing N*Sync star and famous ex-fondler of Britney’s Spears, Justin Timberlake, has long been known as the main ambassador of Audi’s A1, and now it’s getting serious – he’s going to star in six short films to promote the car ahead of its UK launch in October.

The first episode shows Justin (who in the film is actually called John), enjoying a coffee while chatting to a bossy sounding fellow on the phone. Rather annoyingly for Justin, sorry… John, the conversation with the bossy man is interrupted by an abrupt woman who happens to be under fire. He helps the abrupt woman escape from the cafe before being told to drive her away in her Audi A1. The moral? The Audi A1 will be bought by abrupt woman who can’t drive the thing with heels on.

Who knows what the next episode will bring. Does abrupt woman accidentally call John Justin? Will abrupt woman calm down? Will we find out who bossy man is? Will Justin do some acting? Will he get his computer back from the cafe? Will the abrupt lady learn to drive her own car? Well, all those questions and possibly more will be answered when the next episode is released in a week’s time – check back here to find out. Can’t wait.

Seriously. They make more videos than cars. Bentley have released what must be the final video in the series that has shown the world how their new Mulsanne makes it into the world.

Well known TV production company, Bentley Motors of Crewe, have just released another video showing how they make their new Mulsanne super saloon. In this video, the cleanly shaved men of the North show how the cars make their way down the final assembly line.

Yup, it’s another one of these Bentley videos featuring regional accents, men who live near Crewe and interesting details about their forthcoming super-saloon monster. In this one, they get all kinky talking about wood, leather and stitching. Phwoar.

Honda commissioned some London types to make a promo video for the CR-Z, so off they went with a box of Wilco lasers and a Handycam. This is what they made. Looks cool, shame about the soft-core music.

Apparently, 1 in 5 Panda cars are Vauxhall Astras – they’re more popular amongst British cops than big hats and a slightly condescending tone. So get used to keeping an eye out for this:

Vauxhall’s sixth Astra is making its way onto British Police fleets and it’s better suited than ever for the hard graft of duty. Not just because it’s got loads of cubby holes for storing Greggs pasties either. The interior doesn’t need any modification to accomodate all the exciting data panels, radios or control panels, and there even appears to be a special place to store a tiny little hammer that can be used to donk baddies on the head with. How much do you want to find out what all the buttons do? Very much indeed, that’s right.

So while cop cars like the Evo X, Focus ST and the Italian’s recently crashed Gallardo get all the press, spare a thought for the humble, hard working Vauxhall Astra – it catches more crims in a week than Gene Hunt does in an entire series. Respect.

In this video, the deftly fingered men of Bentley talk through the build process of their new Mulsanne’s twin turbo V8 engine. If you’re a fan of meccano, animated combustion and charming regional accents, you’re going to bloody love it.