Our hearts have been melted, our cynicisms transformed into fuzzy-brained admiration and our TV screens burnt with the unforgettable shape of Pippa Middleton’s arse. But, couldn’t the wedding cars have been a bit cheaper? Yes. They could have been.

So, partly to help the Royal family save a few pennies during their next Big Day and partly to help you dear readers recreate your own bargain basement Royal Wedding, here’s our list of cut price wedding cars. The criteria for selection is simple – British badge, some regal swank and a surprisingly low price tag… so here we go, in ascending price order.

£500 – Rover 800

Don’t let Partridge put you off. The Rover 800, especially high class versions like the Stirling or Vitesse, carry some serious patriotic clout… yet cost just half a grand. For full wedding day impact, try to find one in British Racing green, add a chrome AA badge and chrome spotlights and finish off with the Bride and Groom’s names spelt out in shaving foam on the back window.

£1000 – Jaguar XJ8

For £1000, you will have to settle for the tarnished patriotism of a Ford era Jag, but the 1997-2003 XJ8s come with a regal V8 engine and were at least built in Coventry – the heart of the Queen’s automotive industry. Warn your bride to steer clear of overly puffy dresses though, as leg room is limited in the back of these Union Jack-on-wheels.

£5000 – Rolls Royce Silver Shadow

Costing a heady £6,700 on its release in 1965, the Silver Shadow has all the ingredients of a great wedding car – grace, hertiage and leg room. With a monocoque chassis, extensive use of aluminium plus a hulking great 6.2 V8 this gracious Grandma of motoring also has technology to back up its class – respect from petrolheads to ‘commoners’ is guaranteed.

£10,000 – Bentley Mulsanne

The type of car that will only accept passengers after a blue blood test – those lacking aristocratic DNA are simply not allowed. With a 6.75 litre V8 mated to an automatic gearbox with just 3 speeds, the Mulsanne has legs so long it could be a Middleton. And don’t think it’s an old relic – the chassis architecture was underneath the 21st Century Azure and the basics of the engine are still being used today.

£20,000 – Aston Martin DB7

Yes, OK. It doesn’t have proper back seats and the interior’s a bit grotty… but any self-respecting 4-star blooded Groom would want his bride to drive herself to the wedding. A girl, driving an Aston designed by Ian Callum? The ultimate aphrodisiac. With a supercharged straight-6 engine producing 335bhp, the glowing bride is easily capable of performing a few pre-ceremony donuts. Ideally to the sound of Billy Idol. Perfect

And the award for ‘Most Gut-Wrenching Depreciation Suffered By An Early 2000s Sports Car’ goes to… the Mazda RX-8! Speech! Speech! Speeeeeech!

Oh, he’s gone to the bar for a top-up. The crazy bastard drinks like he’s at Shane McGowan’s wake.

Alcoholism aside (and partly thanks to the drink habit), the RX-8 thoroughly deserves its depreciation award. Because while £5,000 Honda S2000s and £6,000 Nissan 350Zs are wallet-twitchingly tempting, the Mazda RX-8’s value has dropped quicker than a D-lister’s knickers. You can now buy an RX-8 for LESS THAN £3,000. Why on earth wouldn’t you?

Well, inevitably, we’re back at fuel consumption. The RX-8’s fizzy Wankel engine might rev to the moon and give you the other-worldly thrill of not having pistons, but even driving sensibly on a middle-lane motorway run, you won’t break 30mpg – around town, you won’t even do 20. Even in Mazda’s own pictures, the RX-8 is barely a quarter full…

Its reputation for oil use is similarly deserved, although perhaps not as petrifying. As the oily bits of the engine aren’t separated from the exploding bits by piston rings or such rubber-sealy goodness, the oil gets burnt. It was all part of Mr Wankel’s design – and other than being annoying, is nothing to worry about. Check the level every-other time you fill up (so, quite often), and expect consumption of no more than 1 litre per 1,500 miles.

Anything else to be aware of? Well, yes. Mr Wankel’s rotary engine doesn’t like cold starts – the RX-8’s instruction manual even tells you to not switch off the engine unless it’s had time to reach temperature. While you’re all intelligent enough to follow this advice, previous owners may not have been – so cars with incredibly low mileage that never reached temperature aren’t necessarily good news. Make sure you ask the owner if they do lots of short trips.

At the other end of the spectrum, make sure the car starts when it’s warm – if it struggles, the problem could be anything from coil packs to spark plugs to a dodgy starter motor or low compression. Hot starting problem = not a good one.

But other than avoiding short journeys, tolerating the fuel consumption, checking the oil and making sure it starts when hot, the RX-8 handles and thrusts well enough to be a pleasure to own. If you can ignore the handbrake, which always looks like it needs adjusting and gets in the way when changing gear. Bloody RHD conversions.

Now you know the basics, you can choose between the 192 and 231bhp versions – and it’s not as simple as just going for the gruntier one. The 192bhp version actually has a smidge more torque (162lb ft versus 156) and a 5-speed gearbox to the pokier version’s 6-speed, giving it a slightly longer legged gait. It’s best to ignore the power and just buy on condition, history and the geeky enthusiasm of the owner.

So. The RX-8 does demand more of you than a barrel chested 350Z or ballet loving S2000, but handles just as well and costs over £2,000 less. It’s got to be the sportscar bargain of the year – and just think how many Nectar points you’ll get from your local BP.

Frankie & Benny’s

Versus Predator

Yes. We know. It’s mechanically indistinguishable from a SEAT Ibiza Cupra or Skoda Fabia vRS. Do you know quite how BORED the world is of that fact? Jaysus.

What The Most Repeated Car Fact of the 21st Century So Far neglects to mention is that the minutiae of a car’s execution is just as critical as its gearbox, engine and chassis. Which is why the Polo GTI is better than two cars that are the same as it.

The extra sheen of the Polo’s interior is just the start – the biggest difference between the three cars is on the road. Seriously.

A Fabia vRS feels like a cheap car with a very expensive engine – fast, but also a bit tall and imprecise. The Ibiza Cupra by comparison gives the impression that it’s trying too hard… all shouty, darty and hard without much charm or feel. Blame it on the height of their bodies, sound proofing and weight distribution.

In comparison, the Polo feels like a perfectly judged hot hatch marvel. It’s the last of the three to go on sale, but the GTI gives the impression that it was designed first – the ideal calibration of a shared platform that Skoda and SEAT had to cheapen and differentiate themselves from.

The ride is fractionally less busy… the induction noise slightly richer… the steering infinitesimally meatier… you’ve got to be a real hot-hatch loser hell-bent on finding tiny traces of tweaked tactility to feel the difference, but that’s what we are. Give us a good hot hatch in Wales over anything else on the road. And the Polo GTI is a very good hot hatch.

Blame it on witchcraft, blame it on mysterious mechanical alchemy… but we honestly think the difference is big enough to avoid blaming our own exaggerated memories of the other two cars.

And yes. We also know that the fizzy brilliance of a Renaultsport Clio makes praising the tactility of a Polo GTI sound a bit overwrought. The best of the three is still second best to the Renault.