on the sidewalls

Can you imagine having nearly £40,000 to spend on a brand new car? It’d be like waking up with two willies. Some of the finest cars on sale vying for your attention, luring you in with their glowing reviews. Porsche Boxster, BMW 525d Touring, Land Rover Discovery 4… the list of class leading stunners could coax up a chubby.

And for the same price, you could buy the updated Nissan Murano.

So, what does it do to tempt that £40,000 from your lucky-git fingers? Well, erm… I was always told that if I haven’t got anything nice to say I shouldn’t say anything at all. So here’s a picture.

As I haven’t got anything nice to say about the ride, handling, styling or performance, I won’t talk about them. Certainly won’t mention the steering. And I can’t really discuss the qualities of the new 2.5 turbodiesel engine either – because struggling to do 30mpg is only a nice thing when compared to the V6 petrol Murano… which struggled to do 20.

I can, however, comment on the high equipment levels, including side and rear parking cameras, a good sat nav, Bluetooth and heated seats. Probably shouldn’t go into how the driver’s seat looks and feels like a dentist’s chair though.  Can’t mention the rest of the interior either. Especially not the plastic around the lever of the standard 6-speed auto-box. Or the brightness controls for the dials. Or the electric mirror switches.

In fact, the nicest thing I can say about the Murano is how it should make us feel very lucky. The big Nissan isn’t dangerous or even anything worse than mediocre in every way – yet it’s about as wide of the mark as brand new cars get. So thanks, Murano. Thanks for reminding us just how excellent every other car on sale is.

Spent some time thrumming about in Hyundai’s facelifted i10, complete with new 3-cylinder petrol engine. It’s a cracking little machine that dips below the magic VED/C-Charge CO2 barrier of 100g/km without resorting to diesel fuel or laptop batteries. Wrote a limerick about it, obviously…

With emissions that won’t hurt a flea

The Blue’s yearly tax disc is free

Add a chassis that’s quick

To a gearshift that’s slick

And city kicks you can guarantee

Hyundai i10 Blue Geek Table

Price: £9,195
Engine: 998cc 3-cylinder petrol
Power: 68bhp
Torque: 70lb ft
MPG: 67.3 combined (claimed)
CO2: 99g/km (claimed)
0-62mph: 14.8 seconds
Max speed: 93mph

HIT – Lamborghini Aventador

A V12, 700hp supercar with a shape and details that can only have come from the mind of a hyperactive child on an Ribena drip. 0-62 in 2.9 seconds. A fantastic lunatic.

MISS – Skoda Vision D

Hmmm. Don’t get cocky, Skoda. Don’t blow your chance to run with your ‘People’s Champion’ baton. As well as revealing their new rather stern looking logo, Skoda showed off this equally stern, cold and featureless Octavia sized thing. Doesn’t look like as friendly or happy as the Skodas we’ve grown to love.

HIT – Alfa Romeo 4c

A horny looking coupe, which seemed to be painted in crushed red velvet. Likely to cost £40k and do a sub-5 second 0-62 bolt, it sounds like a TT and Cayman rival – but can Alfa really put together a tight enough drivetrain and chassis to even get near to the mark? Nah. Looks nice though.

MISS – Jaguar XKR-S

Yes, with 542bhp it does have more power than an Aston Martin V12 Vantage… but there’s no disguising the fact that the XK is ancient. A186mph top speed is enormously fast, but give the old girl some dignity. And by dignity we don’t mean a stupid paint job and fussy splitters.

HIT – Ford B-Max

A Fiesta sized mini-MPV with sliding doors and a range of turbocharged tiny engines? Without the overly fussy face of the Focus and the still slightly too Nursing Home friendly vibe of the C-Max? Yes please and thank you. On sale from next year… just don’t mention the word ‘Fusion’

MISS – Subaru Impreza Concept

Oh. Most people didn’t notice this appear at the LA show in November last year. Even less people will have noticed it at Geneva. How long can Subaru keep going?

HIT – Renault Captur

You’d never guess that Nissan and Renault are the best of friends. One has the Juke and the Qashqai, and the other has a Koleos. This ballsy, Juke sized Captur shows that Renault at least have ambitions of closing the style/desirability gap to their Nissan chums.

MISS – Aston Martin Virage

Evolution is a good thing. Part-sharing also fine. But Aston’s ‘new’ Virage, which features the same V12 and same chassis as the rest of their cars is a step too far. As a facelifted DB9, the Virage would be awesome – as a brand new car, it’s a disappointment.

HIT – Ferrari FF

Yes, we’ve seen the pictures already… but look how big the boot is! And it’s not some achingly clever hybrid, it’s just a hulking great 4WD chest wig with a V12 up front. Just so Ferrari’s customers can go skiing. Awesome.

MISS – Toyota FT-86 II

The thought of a rear wheel drive Scirocco rival is exciting. But Toyota have teased us with that thought for so long now that it’s now become boring. And it looks messier than a branch of WHSmith. After a robbery.

STILL NOT SURE – Pagani Huayra

The Huayra should leave us in awe. Reeling at its other-worldly face. But it still hasn’t… does that make it underwhelming? Does that suggest it’s going to be timeless? Nobody knows. But next to an Aventador, it looks like a miserable fish. Judgement is being reserved until we see it for real.