on the sidewalls

We can confidently report that the brand new BMW X3 is rather excellent. Not just excellent for a ‘pointless crossover’ either – it’s an excellent car full stop. In fact, it’s got an answer for every single knee-jerk crossover criticism known to man. Look, we’ll prove it…

Knee-jerk crossover criticism no.1: ‘Yeah but these gas guzzling SUVs are making Eskimos homeless’.

Nope. Not this one. Thanks to CO2 emissions of 149g/km and a combined mpg of 50.4, it’s cleaner than any Audi Q5 or Volvo XC60 – even the green leaved DRIVe version. It actually uses less fuel and emits less CO2 than a Fiat Panda 4×4… and nobody has ever called a Panda a planet killer.

Knee-jerk crossover criticism no.2: ‘Yeah, but it’ll topple over as soon as you go round a corner’

We drove for over 400 miles in our BMW X3 and not once did any of its wheels lift the ground – and the same can’t be said about the mk2 Golf GTi we used to drive on a daily basis.

Its vigilance around corners is actually just one facet of a generally rather suave and confident chassis. The X3 doesn’t iron out road roughness entirely, but instead smothers it in rubber-backed velvet… you can enjoy the texture of tarmac without being distracted by it.

Knee-jerk crossover criticism no.3: ‘Yeah but I bet despite it being massive outside it’s got no space inside’

Its boot is bigger than a Q5 or XC60’s and just 5 bottles of coke smaller than a 5 Series Touring. And even Angela Rippon’s leggy sister would enjoy folding herself into the maturely tailored cabin.

It’s also worth noting that those of Angela Rippon’s advanced years will appreciate that both the boot and seats are higher up and therefore more easily accessed than a 5 Series Touring.

Knee-jerk crossover criticism no.4: ‘Yeah but, Angela Rippon aside, you may as well get a normal estate car’

Guess what? Some people live in the countryside. Or go to car boot sales in boggy fields. Or live at the top of a hill where it snows. Or like seeing over hedges and traffic. Sometimes having twice the amount of driven wheels and a higher ride height compared to a normal estate car comes in handy. Also, at £31,135, the X3 is actually cheaper than a 5 Series Touring with an identical engine… and, like the 5, comes with leather seats and climate control as standard

If you actually want to go off-roading then a Land Rover Freelander 2 would be better… but the X3 is infinitely better on road. And, because you’re probably thinking it, a Discovery 4 is at least £5,000 more expensive so doesn’t really count.

So there you go – the BMW X3 is the best mid-sized crossover thing by far. So good that it’s actually just a bloody good car that should quite rightly tempt a few country dwelling 5 Series buyers.

Rhythm method fans rejoice! Volkswagen have birthed a new version of their 7 seat Sharan – and it’s better than ever! Auto Exclamation are the first in the world to drive it to a specific car park in Birmingham, and we’ve got exclusive renderings of exactly what it looks like there! It’s like this!

The headline about this car-creche is that it now comes with sliding doors! Compared to the last model’s old-fashioned apertures, these openings are super simple – they slide back and forth with all the ease of a fertile father’s clammy arse! And the greasy weasel door-holes aren’t the only reason the Sharan scores!

Fancy moving the rear-most seats about but don’t want to slip a disc? In some MPVs that’s a tall order… but the Sharan’s got your back! Its new EasyFold seating system is the best around, with the rear two seats shrinking down and rising up again like they’ve been spiked with tiny blue pills! These seat erections are the most impressive around!

And there’s more good news! If you expected the Sharan to have the noisy finesse of Mothercare on a Saturday, you’ll be pleasantly surprised – Volkswagen’s boffins have made it posh as well as practical!

The Sharan’s ride is soft, noise from the frugal 2.0 turbodiesel engine is low and even the best baby monitors would struggle to pick up any gurgles from the wind or tyres! The sprats’ll have no trouble sleeping in the back! Shame they won’t bloody sleep at bedtime because of it, isn’t that right mums!

So, any reasons not to fall in love with Sharan? Well, just one! She’s got a cut-price Spanish twin who isn’t named after a woman from Essex! It’s the SEAT Alhambra! With identical engines and gearboxes – inlcuding an excellent double-clutch system – as well as the same seats and sliding doors, the saucy Spaniard has all the VW’s best bits… for a smaller price tag! While our mid-spec Sharan costs £26,965, the same Alhambra costs £25,805!

But the badge on the pram is worth a lot – McLaren even make a supercar to prove the point! And that’s why we recommend the Volkswagen Sharan without hesitation! If you want your babies to understand life, you need to show them that grown-ups are silly enough to spend £1,000 on a posh badge! After all, what would you want to be seen in – Matalan or Mamas & Papas?! Exactly!

The McStats have been released, the McEmbargo on McDriving-Opinions lifted (not that The Sunday Times or Mail on Sunday gave a rat’s hat about that) and the McFirst-Impressions published on the McInterweb. The McLaren MP4-12C, the McMostImportantSupercarThisCenturySoFar, is here. And? Well? AAAAANDD? COME ON??!! IS IT BETTER THAN THE FERRARI 458 ITALIA OR McBLOODY WHAT?

Well… dunno. There’s a misty fug of reservation hanging over the vast majority of first impression articles, and it’s quite frustrating.

Perhaps it’s because the lucky journos who attended the 12C’s launch event at Portimao didn’t have much time with the car. Perhaps it’s because they’re unwilling to deliver a conclusive opinion before performing some head-to-head tom-hoonery with the big red Fez. Quite right too. Perhaps, and we’ll whisper this quietly, perhaps the car’s befuddling scale of talent has actually caused even the most hyperbolic journos to be… how do I put this… lost for words.

From the cold stats, it’s quite clear that the 12C is an engineering masterpiece. A new, ruthlessly capable, mutli-talented breed of supercar. And a re-invention of the supercar deserves a re-invention of the language used to describe them. A new vocabulary. A new way of telling a story. Fresh syntax. Conventions chucked away. The very best car-explainers will no doubt rise to the challenge and make the 12C leap off a page with the ferocity the car itself leaps off a start-line.

Truth be told, I’m almost as excited about the prospect of reading superbly crafted MP4-12C  reviews as I am about the car itself. So come on car journos, don’t let us down… do like McLaren have done and burn the rulebook. And don’t you dare resort to putting the word ‘clinical’ in every paragraph.

MP4-12C Geek Table

Price: £168,500
Power: 592bhp @ 7,000rpm
Torque: 443lb ft @ 3.000 – 7,000rpm
0-62mph: 3.3 secs (3.1 secs with optional ‘Corsa’ tyres)
Max Speed: 205mph
Kerb Weight: 1434kg
Emissions: 279g/km of CO2
MPG: 24.2mpg combined

Spent some time in the brand new ‘global’ Micra recently – a car Nissan will sell in 160 countries across the world. In place of a traditional road test, may we introduce the second in our fledgling series of ‘Review… in a Limerick’.

The global Micra won’t make you giddy

And its styling won’t please the kiddies

But with soft springs, space and kit

It’s not completely shit

Suppose it’ll do for old biddies

Don’t quite understand why ‘global’ means ‘bland’, especially when the excellent Fiesta is equally global but incredibly enjoyable. You do get a thorough splat of equipment, but the nobs and blueteeth are just distractions that keep the price frighteningly close to the Ford’s – we reckon it’d make more sense with fewer gadgets and a cheap as chips, Lidl-spec price tag.

Geek Table

Price: £9,250 – £12,350
Engine: 1.2l 3-cylinder
Power: 79bhp @ 6,000rpm
Torque: 81lb ft @ 4,000rpm
Combined mpg (claimed): 56.5
CO2 emissions (claimed): 115
0-62mph: 13.7 secs
Top speed: 106mph

It’s a well documented fact that rockstars are just caricatures of children. Bad tempered, impatient and feisty little bastards with a love of noisy parties, fizzy drinks and eye-watering sherbet. Sometimes they even shit themselves.

So to find out if the Mazda5 MPV is any good, we’ll judge it by the criteria a rockstar would use when buying a tour bus. If it’s good enough for them, it’ll certainly be OK for kids.

Is it cheap enough to avoid denting the prostitute fund?

Yes. Even the most expensive Mazda5 costs just £21,950 and offers such privileges as electrically operated doors (to minimise erosion to the guitarist’s hands), leather furniture (which can be wiped clean of incriminating substances) and a 6CD changer (to accommodate every volume of that not-at-all-indulgent live album).

Running costs are kept to a minimum with the option of a diesel-powered version that should travel for over 50 miles on each gallon of fuel.

Will it function as an impromptu party venue?

Almost certainly. There are drinks holders for even large beverages, trays for preparing pharmaceutical extravagances, cubby holes for storing herbal remedies and armrests for those who prefer to sit back and pass out. A DJ can even plug his decks directly into the Mazda5’s sound system using the handy audio input.

Is there room for a pair of midgets in tuxedos?

Of course. The Mazda5 has two pop-up rear seats that are perfect for humans of more modest proportions. These seats could be used by two midgets, or perhaps by Prince and his guitar. Behind the seats, Mazda have provided ample room for storing tuxedos and other formal wear, with spare space for any mirrors, razor blades or rolled up banknotes that the midgets might be carrying.

Is it discreet enough to sneak out the stage door unnoticed?

Possibly not. The Mazda5 was styled by Mazda’s recently departed pencil wielder Laurens van den Acker, who seemed to be a massive fan of wavy lines. The front is plain and the rear as unwieldy as any 7-seat van, but the sides are a panel beater’s nightmare that might inspire a few unwanted glares. Happily, privacy glass is available for rear-seat passengers.

If the shit hits the fan, will it outrun the cops?

It depends on the road. Around corners, the Mazda5 grips well and demonstrates all the agility of a well greased groupy, but it is not a machine designed for straight line speed. The fastest model takes 11 seconds to reach the national speed limit, while the slowest takes 13.7. No models in the range can travel faster than 120mph – a speed that’s easily matched by a cop in a Mondeo.

So, should the band buy one?

Unless the swoopy styling knocks the drummer’s mind out of time, it’s hard to argue against it. The Mazda5 demands little from the band’s account and provides all the space and wipe-clean practicality that even the most debauched rockstar parties could need. It’s just a shame the engines can’t be turned up to 11.