on the sidewalls

A granite etched jaw line. Rabbit legged agility. Warbling rally success. Just three things that the brand new Audi Coupe didn’t have when it was released in 1988. And as they were the best bits of the previous model, it was a bit of a shame. ‘Booooo’ said men in bobble hats. And they were right.

The 1988 – 1996 Audi 80 Coupe was forever being seen next to the word ‘disappointing’, or the phrase ‘lacks the spirit of the original’. Whatever that means.

But now, away from comparisons with 20^th Century rally icons, it looks brill. Stocky, classy, clean… the proportions of an 80s hero, without the stupid quiff and face paint.

Yes, the engine is mounted in the ‘traditional’ Audi location of ‘slightly in front of the radiator’, and yes that means Walter Rohrl will look a bit sad if you offer him a go – but he’s a mentalist anyway. The 80 Coupe is now one of the smoothest, cheapest, most stylish Grand Tourers around. And because they now cost less than £1,000, you should go and buy one.

You certainly won’t have to worry about rust. All Audi Coupes have fully galvanised bodies, so unless a partially sighted cretin has driven into a bollard and repaired the damage with a piece of sheet steel from B&Q, the metallic tree bark should stay away.

The biggest problem is actually choosing which engine you want. There’s a 2.0 8v if you like going slowly, a 2.8 V6 Quattro if you like visiting Texaco, a couple of five cylinder jobbies to keep the bobble hats happy as well as an excellent 137bhp 2.0 16v if you like a smart mixture of everything. And, if you’re still feeling down in the mouth about it not being a ‘proper’ turbocharged Quattro, just save up the £5k you need to get a post-1990 S2.

Really, it’s best not to get your knickers in a twist about what’s under the bonnet and concentrate on history and condition. Things to look out for are seized rear brakes (mk2 Golf anyone?), corroded brake lines, noisy fuel pumps and blue oil smoke from the exhaust when under load or on over-run.

If you’ve ever owned a Volkswagen or Audi from the 80s or early 90s, it’ll feel warmly familiar – if you’re a VAG virgin, so to speak, you just need common sense and some reassuring receipts.

The icing on the cake is that prices are at rock bottom right now. So find yourself a late car with a 2.0 16v engine, make sure it’s got tidy bodywork and a wedge of history, pay about a grand and you might be able to sell it on for profit in a couple of years.

If you look stupid in a bobble hat, a £1,000 Audi Coupe could be the best car you ever own.

Ever wondered what the exact opposite of a Lotus looks like? Well, meet the new Elite…

For a starter, it’s heavy. 1680kg.  And also massively complicated thanks to a hybrid powertrain. The piston beating part is a front mounted, tuned version of the Lexus ISF’s V8… and we’re not really sure what the hybrid part is yet. Nobody is. But Lotus mention KERS so expect it to be ‘F1 inspired’ and put a a focus on brake energy regeneration.

It’s also expensive. The price is likely to be a smidge over £100k – hurling the Elite straight at the Porsche 911 Turbo and Aston Martin DB9. With a 2+2 seating layout, 0-62mph time of three and a half seconds plus a sub 215g/km CO2 figure, it seems to have the space and pace of the Aston and Porsche, but with less emissions.

So while the concept of a 1.7 tonne hybrid Lotus is a tricky one to get your head around, it at least sounds relevant, fast and competitive. It’s due for release in 2014, and will hopefully provide loads of profit that Lotus can plough back into pure, simple, lightweight sports cars like the new Seven…

Their first Paris Motorshow teaser pic was a pretty obscure looking thing that seemed to be bonnet with a brake light on it… but the two latest images of the Jota are less obtuse.

Teaser number two looks like an engine cover. Do the ten holes hint that the Murcielago’s replacement will be a V10?

Teaser number three is clearly a dashboard… made of carbon fibre. With some extreme air vents.

Ginger hair, NHS specs and buck teeth. That’s what the Renault Wind would be blessed with on its first day at school. Such an easy car to bully.

Mocked for having a hunched back. Teased for its ridiculously flatulent name. Giggled at for its piddly 1.2 or 1.6 petrol engines. But, much like the best victims of bullying, the Wind has a few tricks that help fend off the cussing and let it start pulling punches of its own.

For a start, the roof is brilliant. Like the Ferrari Superamerica, it’s a one-piece flip top that hinges at the back window – in 12 seconds it emerges from under its cover on top of the boot, swings over the seats and attaches to the windscreen. You’ve got to close the final latch yourself, but unlike every other folding hard top, the roof doesn’t bulge into the boot when it’s down. Smart, quick and practical… easily outsmarts the bullies.

It’s even better when you drive it. The Wind uses RenaultSport Twingo running gear, which in turn means it shares a lot of bushes, bolts and funlinks with the goosebumpingly lovely Clio 182. Roof up, there’s no noticeable body shimmy – just massive clumps of grip, a tweakable rear end and a snuffly front. It’s the most chuckable front wheel drive convertible I’ve ever driven.

There’s some scuttle wobble with the roof down, and the steering’s not the most granular, but it wazzes in the eyes of Tigras, 207CCs and other such drivel wagons. A ninja’s roundhouse kick to the teasing fatties.

Starting at £15,500, the Wind is cheaper than its comparatively terrible rivals too. It’s worth paying a grand extra to upgrade from a 100bhp 1.2 to the ferociously revvy 133bhp 1.6 from the Twingo Cup, but matching its performance in a 207CC would cost another two grand on top. And the Peugeot drives like a soggy tissue in comparison.

So… any reasons to tease the Wind at all? Well yes. The interior is made of melted down Smartie lids. You can’t see anything over your shoulder. And no matter how hard you press the clutch, the gearbox occasionally snags its cogs. But that’s it.

If tedious twazbags hadn’t started referring to everything from eating a Wispa to watching Wheeler Dealers as a guilty pleasure, then that’s what I’d call the Wind. But I won’t. It might be an unusual car to like, but it’s not going to make you feel as guilty or happy as snorting cocaine off a French prostitute’s left breast. Although it could probably go topless in about the same time as her.

The moral of the story? Don’t be a bully. Or you’ll be attacked by a ferocious little fart.

A few months ago, the Paris Motorshow sounded like it was going to be feeble. An Audi A7 (pictured), a BMW X3, a front wheel drive Freelander and a fictional KIA that sounded like a fizzy drink. Dull, tedious, anodyne. Then news broke that Chevrolet were planning to exhibit a five door Cruze. Bloody hell. Watching a nun play solitaire in the dark sounded more exciting.

But then… KERPOW!! Some exciting things were announced. Paris 2010 is going to be a belter. So here are five good reasons to face the French capital’s traffic between the 2nd and 17th of October. Five door Cruze not included.

A Mystery Lamborghini

The Murcielago is dead. Long live whatever Lambo give us at Paris. It’s likely to be called the Jota, will no doubt come with a hulking great V12 engine that’s more powerful than the Merci’s but 20% MORE ECONOMICAL…and, according to internet fiction-mongers, it might even have scissor doors. Leading up to the show, Lamborghini are going to release six teaser pictures of the car, of which this is the first…

Lotus Going Mental

UK Lotus PR bossman, who we’ll call Flo-Rida, has got himself into such a tizz about the countless new Lotus products that he’s forgotten to actually tell anyone what they are… so we’ll mainly have to guess. The only thing we know for sure is that Flo-Rida is taking a 1970s Esprit to the show, so we can safely expect Lotus to reveal the long awaited 21st Century Esprit – complete wth mid mounted, turbocharged V8 engine.

We also know that the Evora has been given a supercharger, hiking power to around 400bhp (that’s no real secret. Might have seen one driving around Millbrook…). They’ll also show off an Evora with an auto-box, made especially for Americans that suffer from muscle wastage in their fat left leg.

On top of that, there’s likely to be a 21^st Century re-imagination of the iconic Lotus Seven sports car, as well as two brand new cars with hybrid powertrains – one a GT, the other closer to the Lotus philosophy of performance through lightweight, but possibly front wheel drive. Details are thin on the ground (and possibly non-existent), but with two new Evoras, an Esprit, a new Seven and two hybrids, expect Lotus to be the centre of attention.

Some French Cars

Being as the show’s in Paris, Citroen, Peugeot and Renault want to get lots of attention. Citroen and Renault might actually get some. New cars with a double chevron badge will include the handsome DS4 (pictured), the ‘well proportioned’ new C4 as well as their nutty electric concept cars the RevoltE and Survolte.

Renault will be distracting people away from the tedium of a facelifted Laguna with their swoopy work of fiction, the DeZir. As a funky platform for new designer Laurens van den Acker to show off his craft, the DeZir suggests that the next generation of Renaults will ditch daintiness in favour of more muscular lines and…blah. Just use your eyes. Your imagination is as good as anyone else’s.

Finally, Peugeot will have the new 508 saloon, which replaces the 407 and 607. Good for them

Ugly Mercedes CLS

When designing the brand new CLS, Mercedes must have frequently asked ‘how on earth do we replace the world’s first four door coupe?’. No matter what they did, the new car would no longer be a world first and therefore lack impact and seem unimaginative.

After countless board meetings where design executives aggressively debated how to follow up such a handsome, groundbreaking car they settled on a tag for the brand new CLS. One they felt would get as much coverage as the original. One with talkability. Impact. They produced The World’s Ugliest Four Door Coupe. You can’t miss seeing this in the flesh.

Jaguar Coupe and Estate

Now that the bread and butter of the XF and the XJ are out and about, Jag can get a jiggle on with expanding their range. At Paris, they’re likely to show off a new XF based coupe and roadster, possibly called the C-Type or XC, as well as an XF estate. It’s unlikely that any new engines will be released, but a small XF based coupe with an angry face and XF-R engine is a lip smacking prospect. Also, let’s not forget that estates are cooler than saloons – so an XF Wagon will be ice cold. Especially with that new 3.0 turbodiesel engine.

So, there you have it. Go to the Paris motorshow… loads of fast, stylish cars and hardly a whiff of a hybrid. Makes a change.