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Tesla were shocked to receive positive press about their car’s battery life – 313 miles on one charge (set by some bloke in Australia), is a new electric production car record. ‘How much?!’ echoed loudly around the globe when VW admitted their Golf R will cost £29,000. And Mitsubishi clutched at straws, saying their 2010 SUV will have Evo X undergarments.
This little incident arrived in our inbox today – and while it’s easy to berate the driver for making off after such a spacky accident, think about this: how the funk would you draw THAT series of events in the little box on the insurance claim form? Exactly. Much easier to pretend it never happened.
Tra la la… oh gosh, I don’t know when I did that dear… I must have hit a bird. Will it T-Cut out?
Andy Warhol’s motorsport brother confirmed that Donington couldn’t scramble together enough cash to host the British Grand Prix next year. Volkswagen sympathised with money problems of their own – a £3.1bn drop in profits thanks to poor performance from Seat and Bentley. And an American in a BMW X5 was the star of the third essential YouTube video of the week.
Give 50p to the man in the hut! Pick a crooked putter! Aim under the windmill! Over the cobbled bridge… mind the camber! That’s right, Auto Exclamation is striking a birdie in the brand new Veedub Polo! It’s Miniature Golf! One point FOUR!
VW remembered that people forget what the Polo looks like and have done something to help! Can’t recall the Polo’s face? Fine! Just think of a Golf that’s slightly further away! From the wide Tiger Woods smile to the austere Faldo personality, it’s what geneticists would call closely related! Steve Ryder will recite your life in this little thud box!
If interior quality was measured on a bar graph, the Polo would have a massive bar! From ticking relays to nobbing knurlers, the Polo has the rubbery smoothability of writing on a banana with a biro! You’ll be fiddling with nobs like you’ve just caught puberty! But it’s not all about sitting in it without driving it! Playing a game of miniature golf isn’t as much fun as having a Fiesta? Is it?
No! The Polo plays miniature golf with freezing numb hands! I can’t feel my legs Muriel! Muted dampings and smoothed vibrationals will earn happy chatter at the 19th hole, but don’t tell the men in funny trousers about the steering or brakes! They’re deader than a slept on arm… but at least you’ll never get pins and needles!
So, it’s a thoughtful putt instead of a spirited drive – but after the little bits of paper have been handed in, is it a birdie or a bogey? We’ll find out at the final hole! What do you get for the supermini mid-price of £12,500? It’s Fiesta versus Polo! Let’s hit the theme park fairway!
Off the tee with the engine! Fiesta plays an 81 horse yard drive with a 1.25 iron, while Polo hits 84 yards thanks to a bigger 1.4 thwacker! Polo nudges it! Next, it’s an economical chip under that windmill! Mind the blades! Despite being heavier, the Fiesta strikes back with 49.5 mpg and 133 g/CO2 against the Polo’s 47.9 and 139!
It’s neck and neck as they hit the sloping concrete green – just a final putt that relies on kit! Tension is rising! ESP, alloys and leccy back windows all need extra cash on the Fiesta… but they’re free with the Polo! Seve Ballesteros golfers! Who would’ve thunk it? The Polo sinks it first with an excellent value putt!
Let’s hit the clubhouse and talk conclusionals! OK, you’re not going to play miniature golf if you holiday in Ibiza… but don’t forget – not everybody wants to! While the rest of the supermini crew are fizzing around on poppers, the Polo plays its game of sense with more stubbornness and thoughtfulness than ever! And it’s not even an expensive hobby! Sports car ambitionists with no interest in ruining a good walk can get a Fiesta for sure, but for the normalists out there, the Polo is a swooping great albatross of wellbeing! Happy Gilmore everybody!
The ‘diversification’ of Porsche shows no signs of slowing, with the unveiling of its models for the next 5 years… with a worrying amount of SUVs and hybrids. Ferrari announced a drop in profits in the last quarter of 2009, despite a new range of plastic carriage clocks. And Ford bosses announced they might offload Volvo to Chinese company Geely.
We’ll be honest – we only saw this after Pistonheads posted it first, so top marks to them (even though 85,000 views and a posting date of two weeks ago shows it’s not exactly brand new news). Nonetheless, we thought it was worth re-posting the tremendous drifting video mentioned in The Daily 0-60 below:
Lucky save, or a paranormal sense of the tipping point… we’re not sure. But, the main question is this: is it better than Jason Plato’s now infamous BTCC catch in a Chevrolet Lacetti?
Perhaps Kawabata was under the threat of a sex ban too.
Fans of speeding paused for a second, as it was announced a new breed of flashless, mutli-lane, smart-arse speed cameras will soon be introduced on UK roads. Bluntly named UK company Axon Automotive revealed their 50g/km multi-fuel hybrid car, which should go on sale in three years. And a Japanese drifter flew round the internet with some tremendously accidental heroism.
Ever since a colour blind VW executive invented the Polo Bluemotion, green-leaning economy cars have been swanning around with the fresh air of superiority. They’re made to a simple formula; energy saving tyres are combined with longer gears, before being mixed with slippier aerodynamics and garnished with a badge that’s either green or has a leaf on it. The result is a few less grams of CO2 and a handful of extra mpgs – commendable stuff, but such eco-friendliness costs extra. Like organic food.
The Kia Cee’d EcoDynamics is the latest of the breed, but it’s a bit cheaper – still organic, but from Lidl. At £14,195, it’s four grand less than a Focus EcoNetic or new Golf Bluemotion – and even though you have to fork out for ESP and electric back windows, you can’t find it in you to moan. Organic food for poor people; it’ll probably extend the nation’s life expectancy. But is it actually good value?
Like the rest of the facelifted Cee’ds, the EcoDynamics has an anodyne face that won’t scare the kids, enough space to sit in and an interior that rarely inspires you to moan about scratchy plastics like they do in magazines. The main quibble maker is an over-firm ride that makes it feel a bit hollow as it bonks across sunken manholes.
Annoyingly, the hard ride is highlighted when you try to make the most of the Cee’d’s USP. The EcoDynamic is the first ever Kia to have a stop/start system, which they’ve called ISG (Intelligent Stop & Go). Do less than 3mph, knock it into neutral, release the clutch and the engine will switch off – clutch down to select a gear and it’ll switch on again. It works perfectly, and you’ll only select first gear before it starts if you’re trying to prove point. All this deliberate stalling makes the EcoDynamics an excellent city car, with the quoted urban mpg figure of 60.1 smashing the Focus EcoNetic’s 51.3 into the nearest coal mine. But its do-good nature is hampered by the fact that the ride is at its worst in town. What you gain in eco-friendliness you lose in pothole lumpiness – not ideal.
Happily, out on proper roads the Cee’d settles down. Extracting just 89bhp through tall gears does require some pre-emptive pedalling, but 173lb ft is enough grunt to punt it around with a decent rhythm. The steering is direct too, although it avoids any chitter-chatter in favour of just doing its job. It’s all entirely acceptable, although without any aerodynamic tweaks, frisbee hubcabs or slippy gearbox oil it’s not as green out of town as it is in it.
Overall then, it’s a car that feels at odds with itself. An engine made for the city, with suspension that prefers life in the sticks. As if that wasn’t already a tedious enough quandary to be in, bear this in mind: for the exact same price, you could buy the 113bhp Cee’d – it lacks the ISG, but still manages a combined mpg in the 60s. Unless you spend all your time struggling for breath in heavy traffic, that’s the better car. So, while the Cee’d EcoDynamics is still a good buy for those looking to mend the world on a shoestring, it highlights one thing – buying cheap organic food can give you a sore arse.
Lewis Hamilton pretended not to look threatened when he heard rumours of Jenson Button being his McLaren team-mate next year. The GM bosses who make more money than the company they run accepted pay cuts of up to 85%. And French motorbiking mentalists Lazareth bolted a Rover V8 into the middle of a Renault Twingo… and still haven’t stopped laughing.
If you’re a massive fan of geeky one-upmanship, desperate PR stunts and excellent examples of how not to use captions when making a viral video, have a look at Utlima’s bwarp-fest below. It appears to show the Ultima GTR720 breaking the lap time set by the Ferrari FXX around the Top Gear test track. Beyond all the spiel, it’s a decent watch of a decent driver thraping a decent car. So, enjoy it:
Note pioneering use of the phrase ‘dump off the speed’ when referring to brakes – Ferrari wouldn’t say that, so Ultima win.
Ex-Ferrari F1 boss Jean Todt was voted in as the President of the FIA, delighting everyone who enjoys moaning about F1’s bias towards red cars. Classic car fans cried 4 star tears as the extended scrappage scheme kicked off. And Ultima quietly blew their own trumpet by claiming their GTR has set a new record round Top Gear’s test track.
Assuming the world was still recoiling from the LF-A’s price, Mugen announced the price of their spat on Civic Type-R – £39k, or two Sciroccos. Mercedes persuaded 30 more horses into the C63 AMG’s barn for a mere £7k. And the swarm of future-gazing micro-electric cars released at the Tokyo motor show was increasing in size and becoming bloody tedious.
The world endured the rigmarole of heading to Tokyo and discovered many things: Godzilla is becoming even more of a God; the Lexus LF-A is priced to ensure nobody buys one, Infiniti are pinching some Nissan technology to make a posh electric car; only three European manufacturers went to the show and the rest only wanted to talk about electricity.
Veritas, a 50 year old German car company you’ve never heard of, wedged a BMW M5 engine into a £300k gurning bathtub and called it the RSIII. VW ate more Porsche biscuits, after announcing they’re going to buy 49.9%, not 42%, of the 911 mongers in 2011. And the Lada joke trade was revitalised, as their parent company nears bankruptcy.
We got lucky today. Double 7, four leaf clover, pair of magpies lucky. By trying our best to feign the appearance of a genuinely important automotive resource, we were accepted into the womb of Jenson Button’s whirling PR machine and spent the day with the Formula One World Champion.
It was a gig obviously booked a long time before anyone dared expect him to be world champion; go to the Bluewater shopping centre in Kent, perform some brand-tastic PR guff and take some ‘very important lucky winners’ for a joy-ride in something fast. A world champion doesn’t do donuts in car parks. But he did. And it was quite revealing.
Despite raising shrieks from Kent’s ladyfolk every time his slender frame breached the safety of a modest Winnebago, he actually looked very relaxed. Really lucky, slightly baffled and shocked by the response – but relaxed. Like a man who’d just realised he had two willies.
When asked about his drive for next year, the cards were played close to his chest: he wants to stay with Brawn GP, and doesn’t expect to be paid the earth, but he thinks he’s ‘already cheap enough’ and clearly wouldn’t mind a bigger cheque now he’s the champ. Sounds fair enough, especially if the rumours of a 50% pay cut during the transition from Honda to Brawn are to be believed.
He was also keen to shimmy away from the last remnants of his playboy reputation. To be honest, excellent racing skills and the odd knee-trembler go hand-in-hand – nothing to be ashamed of at all, but Button wants us to see him as more gentlemanly now. He told us how he left the team’s Sao Paolo championship party after just half an hour to go and ‘sit on my hotel bed and let it all sink in.’ No women, no trembling knees.
Quickly though, Jenson ploughed through the ‘how does it feel?’ ‘are you proud?’, ‘what’s next’ type questions (‘awesome’, ‘of course’ ‘some more’) to the more fun part. Driving. Handily, there was a brand new E63 AMG skulking in the car park – the wagon in which a lucky few would ride shotgun during some ‘hot laps’ of a track around the car park. And by the lucky few, we mean us. No shit. It was a bit of a rush mind you…
Into the car went Jodi Kidd, that bloke off ITN news and some bod with a camera. Engine grumbled on, tyres chirped off and Jenson could finally stop being polite. The ‘track’ was tiny – the tyres and engine never left earshot as the AMG thundered along the road, echoing off the surrounding chalk cliffs. The commentator spewed hyperbolic nonsense, but the motor and crowd drowned him out.
A race suit, helmet and gloves were thrust upon us along with the command ‘get these on, you’re next’. It wasn’t a joke. Jodi, ITN man and camera-bod were back and we were being ushered to the car along with a couple of lucky journos. ‘Strap yourselves in’ said a shouty PR face, as Jenson turned round and grinned ‘you ready?’. Like we had a choice. Smack. Into drive, fishtail onto the road and hit 80mph on the crest of the previously invisible hill before the roundabout.
‘We’re gonna go round it the wrong way’. ‘OK’ and ‘fine’ were the only words we could squeeze out before he’d gone round twice, in perfectly concentric donuts. With arms waving for frantic effect, we were pounding back up the hill, Jenson flirting with the photographers that lined the route like a Mexican rally stage.
Hitting 80mph before braking off-camber and controlling a cloth-toucher, we squealed into an undercover car park – an auditorium for the barking V8 and hot abused tires. Pushing the AMG broadside towards the spectators, they started to recoil, guarding their cameras from contact… before Jenson adjusted the angle and coaxed the car out unscathed.
Rounding the course again, the Merc felt heavy against Button’s racing reactions – lurching under brakes, with the ABS grabbing at the wheels and rear end swinging like an old clock’s pendulum. But it didn’t matter. The time in the car was Button time, a rare chance to have some fun away from screaming fans and braying photographers. After one more lap, complete with flashing the lights for the cameras, squealing the tires for the kids and bouncing the rev limiter just for a laugh, one thing became clear. Although the F1 World Champion looked natural and calm before, he only really relaxed when he was driving like a man posessed.
Jenson Button, Brawn GP and most of Brackley woke up with cotton-fluff mouths and a bit of sick on their shoes, after winning the driver’s and constructor’s F1 championships. Kia showed more ambition than an asthmatic midget fire-fighter, by revealing their Cadenza BMW 5 Series rival. And Lotus covered a lightened Exige with blackboard paint and called it the Scura.
